Goddess Phynxofkmt- thank you for your honesty, now that I've taken the time to read your thoughts I can present some honest solutions that both Mothers like yourself and Men/Fathers can benefit from.
There are many different circumstances that have to be addressed as far as "child support" is concerned. And yes there are in fact Women who have children for survival, it is a fact unfortunately. There are some Mothers who say - I would be homeless without my children because welfare, section 8 housing, food stamps etc., came to their aide.
First we must understand the Government's implication of so-called "child support" has nothing to do with the child, instead it is for the reduction of the Governments welfare burden- to relieve the state's financial responsibility. Now, get behind closed doors with most Government officials this is what they will tell us. Of course there is more to that picture, but that's the skinny of it.
This is an important idea to focus on, because the state's "welfare burden" has nothing to do with children, however this facet is often used as the "poster child" for such matters. Let's keep in mind also that most Black Families in America have been depending on Government mandated welfare programs since slavery. This has not changed. Meanwhile in NO STATE IN AMERICA is social-welfare services a top priority. Thus, the Black Family is not a top priority. How ironic that we've come to believe a Black Family now runs it.
So here's the true reality, because I glance at "real world" Black family budgets just about every month. I know what the Lawyers earn and I know what the Mechanics earn. Child support is not a financial issue it is a social issue.
The illusion is that most of us believe the term "broken family" is only for poor Black folks. The richest of the rich from the poorest of the poor have broken family issues to which "child support" has been designated as a source of reparations. The difference however for rich is that they are happy to pay child support (in most cases) while the poor complain about it.
There's a reason why the "rich" or I would even say "the financially educated" celebrate Child Support in some cases because first of all, unknown to some of the wisest people in business- child support can be a tax-write off so long as your Ex is declared as an Employee or even Business partner. 2nd, time is literally money for the rich so paying child support only gives them more time to make money and they don't even see it as breaking even in some cases, they see it as a profit!
So you see this why we don't hear about complaints about child support from the rich. Russell Simmons and P. Diddy both pay thousands of dollars a month in child support. What we fail to realize is that the rich are plugged into systems of wealth building. Russell "agreed" to pay his Ex-Wife $40,000 a month in child support. Do we know what that is for Russell? That's one 30 minute speaking engagement for him. Big deal, he has to run his mouth for 12 times a year for 30 minutes each- he satisfies his child support obligation without even touching his $500 million net worth.
And by hearing such stories the poor and working poor have the incorrect notion about what child support really is. Because we hear about the rich paying out $40,000- $20,000 a month- Women are say- Ooooh I can live on that. That's not what child support is. Government mandated child-support is meant to paydown a percentage of the interest on the state's welfare burden, a welfare system created not for the poor to begin with, but for the middle class.
Back in the real world- across the board in America the average child support payment is somewhere in the neighborhood of $125-$350 per month per child. Those paying around $125 are below the poverty line while those paying about $350 are way above it. And while Black folks look good off pennies- the average living wage in America is $25-35,000 a year.
The reason why these calculations are important is because again, we are looking at the state's welfare burden- not the child. The child has nothing to do with this- the child is only used as an excuse. This is why all states have different calculations for child support. It's not about what the Father and Mother is earning, it's about what the totality of Mothers and Fathers are earning collectively.
When we look at how the child support system is designed, bear in mind we are dealing with social engineers not the average Joe on the street. We are talking about wealth and power here. Those who are in power maintain the wealth. Snatch up any so-called "dead-beat" Father, and yes even the athletes making millions of dollars- and put them all in a line-up- I guarantee- 99.9% of these Men are the products of poor social structures. That's just about everywhere in America isn't it? And my native African Brothas and Sisters would correct me by saying- everywhere the European has landed his foot. There are "child maintenance laws" forming all over Africa.
And we will ask the question now. shouldn't the Father/Mother pay child support? Yes of course. But is Government child support really child support? No it is not. And it is definitely not Ex-Wife or Ex-Girlfriend support either.
First of all, even if a Man pays over $1,000 a month for his child, that is not support. And if we live in a society that renders such materialism as forms of support it's no wonder we are in trouble. And I'm not saying the Father shouldn't share the financial responsibility for the child. I am saying don't call it child support because it is not.
Children need more than money for support, last I checked they needed Fathers also. What is happening within society is that too much emphasis is placed on monetary support and there are indeed millions of Fathers that pay their support with no problem, yet- they do not care about the child. See my point? What effects the child more over the long run? My Father didn't pay my mother child support? or My Father doesn't love or care about me?
The person left to raise the child either way is the Mother in most cases. But we don't see this as a collective because the poor- those without money think that money fixes everything. A Millionaire once told me personally that money is not the solution to every problem but it's a damm good deterrent. And for those of us that work very hard for ours, we know that having enough money is never enough. The reality for the Black Family is difficult period, even without the bearing of children. Perhaps we should work towards having a low fertility rate like Japan but this is not what Africans have been about culturally.
Our ability to create wealth and health should always supersede our ability to create children. And I would say without real health there is no real wealth, its just madness.
I offer this as a solution for working Mothers who are supporting children on their own- your fight in not with the Father, because that is a fight you will never win. Even if you do get in him jail, or even if you do get him for 20-23% of his income, what you inherit as a replacement is more burden. I've never met a so-called "Baby Momma" who was happy even with child support unless she stopped the negativity and went on with her life.
We have to start seeing children as investments and not burdens. Real child support is love and making arrangements to allow the Father to fall in love in the child will be more beneficial to you than any court. It's easy for you to love a child that was part of you for 9 months, he must fall in love just as you did. Sometimes Mothers claim babies too quickly as possessions and this allows to Fathers to implement an escape plan. Try "Our child" instead of "My child."
Most Mothers won't even get the empowerment of what was just said. A real Man and Father- I don't care who he is- will always protect what he loves. Don't think because a Man acknowledges a child as his that he loves that child. If the Father does not love the child, every dollar you get from him will be laced in the poison of regret. And this is energy you do not need.
Next- you must understand the Father can only do for the child what he able to do for himself. He is not required to do what you expect of him because you were not his educator, take up those complaints with his Mother if you need too. So when a Father loves his child, he will love that child in the same way he loves himself and that may not always be in the way you expect him too. But this the Man you chose. You already made that choice.
When it comes down to actual financial ends and money, I would recommend a 3rd party that is not the Government. A healthy relationship with the Father's family is very useful. If the family wants nothing to do with you or you don't want nothing to do with them- then close mutual friends can help. If there are no mutual friends- then employ other Mothers to assist you in the mediation for the financial aid on your child's behalf. These issues should be ironed out before the child is over a year old because the older the child gets the more difficult it will be for you to establish a loving role for the Father as well as a financial commitment.
When I said treat you child as an investment, I meant that literally. There are many ways that Fathers have come to enjoy paying child support especially when they are in love with their child and see the future they are headed towards. The love and creativity you feed your child the more most real Fathers are willing to invest. The Father will want to be part of a life that is special. Why is it that way? Why are we Human? It's all part of the package we call life.
The catch to all of this? A Man will chew off his arm to get away from a Woman that keeps bringing up broken promises. IE- you promised to love me. Your promised to take care of me. This method is one of the reasons the majority of Men stay away, and if he is staying away from you he is also staying away from the child. A creative technique that I learned from a female friend- a very mature and strong Mother Goddess I will add, is that she wants nothing to do with her Ex- but she doesn't use that attitude to keep their daugther away from him either. He doesn't want anything to do with her either, and most likely to keep from seeing her he wouldn't see the child either. So what did she do? She uses an Elder Mother in the family to communicate with him, they make arrangements for him to spend them with his daugther, buy her clothes etc. They never have to talk to each other. So there are ways around the pain and regret, don't let it get in the way of building a relationship with the Father.
Let's go create a better way to maintain children, and give the Euros back their system- PS- it isn't working anyway.