Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by buttaflisw, Jan 29, 2008.
No Longer Available to the public
I'm sorry that happened to you sista. It is a common happening in the dating arena. For us men it is a matter of sticking to the original agreement, even if our actions (which his clearly did) say that the relationship is evolving. The most important thing in any relationship is open and honest communication. I know sometimes that is hard because it could jeapordize the harmony of the relationship. But, it is better to know now than later. You had become emotionally involved and he was just doing his thing until something else came along. I hate that we are like that. He should have said something when the frequency of the visits changed. But, let's face it, we are not going to do anything to mess up a good thing until it is absolutely necessary. I know it is not right, but it is what we do. So, you all have to be strong enough to call attention to the changing dynamics and make us choose to commit or not. Again I am sorry that you are alone, but it sounds like he will do the same to her and you will move on to a better guy once you have healed.
Sista, just because you're having sex does not mean you are in a relationship. I noticed you said "Hell if that ***** went to the club he would call me to come over to climb in his bed." I may be jumping to conclusions by attaching significance to the fact you didn't say "Every time WE went to the club."
I do think there is some significance to the fact you guys never argued. Perhaps that's why you just allowed yourself to ooze through a series of assumptions without asking him what direction his heart was going in since he had said he didn't want a girlfriend. Not arguing doesn't always mean you are getting along. Many times it means you feel the connection is too fragile to survive the slightest disagreement.
Just remember this, sista, losing a man is not the worst thing in the world, especially when you didn't really have him in the first place. So if he's not giving you what you want why give him what he wants without even a question? And when the next guy says he's not looking for a girlfriend then wants you to join him in bed, don't walk--run!
Sweetie, you must remember one thing, never under value your need for love; both physical and emotional, in any relationship.
If a man or woman approaches you and just wants sex, let them keep it moving. You are worth far more than an orgasm and you are a complex individual with feelings that change at the drop of a dime, and there is nothing wrong with that. That is your right as a woman...or man.
The minute you throw the physical piece in any relationship, and if it's really good, you're going to start getting those warm and fuzzy feelings. You can't do the do and hope that he'll come around and understand how you're feeling as time progresses...be vocal in what you want. And get to know the person before undressing. You may not even want him when you get to know how he really is and you would have spared your feelings by not injecting the physical.
So save yourself. Don't even come out the gate accepting a half a pair of pants, knowing that winter is just around the corner and you will need full artic gear!
There is no blame being placed here, we've all been there at some point in time. Score it as a lesson learned and carry yourself in the manner that when someone approaches you, they can tell by the look on your face and how you handle yourself that they need to come correct or keep moving on down the line until they find that booty call girl/boy that is willing to accept less.
And more importantly, stop calling the other woman names. You have no right to get upset with the fact that she demanded to be treated as a lady and he was up for the challenge. He could very well have been up to the challenge for you had you verbalized your intentions on your connection.
When you see them, wish them well and chalk this up to a lesson learned. Wipe your eyes, dust yourself off and get back on the horse. Life is all about learning, loving and living and if you don't think you're going to get hurt in that equation, then you're setting yourself up for a world of pain.
Visit the library, bookstore, etc. Pick up books and read articles on self-esteem and learniing how to express yourself. These painful life lessons are taught to us to help us grow into beautiful, well rounded, emotionally intelligent human beings as we get older who know how to enjoy life and love to the fullest!
All I can say is that it just gets better!
Separate names with a comma.