CAN YOU OFFER SOME ADVICE PLEASE

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by sweettee29, Oct 24, 2006.

  1. sweettee29

    sweettee29 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    HELLO FAMILY!
    I NEED HELP
    My son is 8 yrs old and he has been acting out lately and his behavior is going from bad to worse.
    Ya'll I am a single parent of three
    I have two girls and one son
    Thomas (my son) seems that the older he gets the more hard headed he gets and thats not the problem because I know that is apart of parenthood but what is the problem is that he is borderline aggresive with me and anyone of authority
    his lips get tight and his eyes get beady and anger is all over his face.
    Trust me I am by no means scared of my son
    but I find myself getting outraged that he would even think to play with me that way.
    I have talked to him and chastised him, punished him and taken things away.
    I love my son and I spend time with my children and have a very open relationship with them.
    But right now I am truly lost as to what I can do to help him my son.
    Thomas is still my sweet son who tells me he loves me everyday, but I want to stop this rebellion against authority before it gets worse and before he makes the fatal mistake of lashing out at me, then I will be writing Destee letters from a jail cell for real.
    Do you family have any suggestions that can help me with my son?

    Thank you

    Sweettee
     
  2. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    :hi: Hi Sister Sweettee:heart:

    Try to get him a male role model. Somebody you trust and know who will be a positive influence. Being a single mom is very hard on our sons moreso than our daughters. Although they all need that balance. Usually there are programs in the community that can help with such, but we rarely know about them. My sister did this for my nephew. I have to ask her the name of the organization she used. Anywho, a man would come twice a week and take him out with two other boys. We watched his school work excel and saw the positive change it had on him. There are so many outreach programs in our community, but rarely we hear about them until its to late. You can even call juvenile probation to get information about some of the programs available for him. They also have volunteer programs to get him involved in. They would take the children out and allowed them to experience working within the community. Your son is so young, and this is the best time to show him new and positive things.

    Let me ask my Sister about the name of the organization she used and I'll get back to you. Until then, look to the community and see what they have to offer. You can even do an online search for your community.

    :luvv:
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    wow......where do i start , well one reason can be he's getting this way
    is he miss the male model in his life sometime children test authority
    become upset because they feel lack of and expresses it out

    I knew this young girl who always mad full of anger who had one parent
    let's not focus on that because there are many single parents who have done
    very well in the upbringing of there children

    but when it was rooted down it was lack of a father and she wondered why he
    didn't want her or love her never come see her so she took it out on everyone
    that come near her until she had to face anger itself at her which change her
    way of feelings about it sometime you have to use reverse synopic kids will
    try u to see how far they can go , yes the older he gets the more he will try
    stop him now by using your authority as moma not in a harmful way but in
    a gentle meaningful way


    could it be that u allow him this room to brace back ?
    there is nothing wrong with a little spanking to show who's moma !

    show him some programs that will let him see what happen to children
    who disobey / act out in anger / fightful this might change his behavior
    also with that time let him know u love him / show him with caring and
    warmth feels but let him know there is a change of command when it come
    to adults and parents

    Good luck sis.
     
  4. sweettee29

    sweettee29 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Purplemoons Thank you for that advice, I had not thought about a program but that sounds like a great idea. I will check in my area and see what we have here in old Beaumont Tx, and I will be looking for your reply so I can get that name.

    $$Rich$$ I thank you as well, and to be honest I really think that you hit the nail on the head. I ask him all the time whats bothering him and I truly think it has something to do with his daddy. The last time he saw his dad was during evacuation for the hurricane last year and he spent some time with him, but after a while he stopped calling and coming. Recently I tried to contact his family in Dallas so him and his sister can speak with him because they ask me about him all the time and all of the numbers I had for them were disconnected. He did not say anything but I could tell he was dissappointed both of them were.

    As for spanking him I have done this and to me it is not getting me anywhere but tired for chasing him down. It is not working.

    One thing for sure I will never give up on him and I definatly want to correct it now before it gets any further.

    sweettee
     
  5. carlhurd

    carlhurd Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I really do not have any more advice to give I think that the advice that you received from purplemoon and rich were well written and great advice. What I wanted to say is that this is what it is all about, helping each other get through difficult times and situations. If only we can keep up the good work in supporting each other there is hope for us as a people.
    There is a saying that I heard and it says “each one, reach one, teach one and save one” I am almost sure that this community is behind you Sister and will support you in what ever way is needed we can not afford to allow any of our children to fall into the cracks of the negativity that can grip our people like a vice. This is what it is all about. Keep it up strong black people. We are going to turn this thing around yet.:darts:
     
  6. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sweettee29,

    It's great that you are reaching out for advice:) I, too have an 8 year old, so I understand your concerns. Seems like some type of "outcry" for attention. Also, 'jealousy' of younger siblings coupled with him being the only boy may be the cause of some of the aggression. Your son is now a pre-teen, so, in dealing with unruly behavior; you have to remain CONSISTENT with your mode of correction. I know it seems scary at first, since they are not as impressionable as they were at say... 4 or 5. I don't know if you believe in corporal punishment; but, he is NOT too old for a time-out. Some of the unruly behaviors may be the influence from peers... so also keep your eyes open for that. Getting your son involved in physical extra-curricular activities may also be therapeutic; this way he can release some of that pent-up energy. Every child is unique, and should be chastised accordingly. Trust and communication play a huge role in how he may be 'acting out'. Some more shy children tend to have difficulty in expressing their emotions.


    Although parenting is a worthwhile challenge; we must also let our children now that we deserve a peace of mind and respect as they expect it; I'm sure your beloved son understands that virtue.

    Believe it or not, I have a behavioral chart for my daughter..equipped with gold; green; red; blue; and silver stars! It works for me. I also put my daughter on a small allowance of $.50 for every 1 extra help or good deed she gives/does. This way she can learn responsibility and the value of work... along with the fruits thereof.

    Every morning I make sure my C-U-P has not runneth over, nor empty.

    C- caring
    U- understanding
    P- patience

    Blessings to you & your beloved Son

    Peace
     
  7. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Here's a link to some of the services available. You can call and check them out.
    http://search.live.com/results.aspx?FORM=IE7&q=family+services+in+Beaumont+TX

    And the service my sister used was Berkshire Farms. They had and outreach program for youths.

    I found out there is limited resources in TX for youth services, but keep on lookin sis. There is help out there. Ask around too. Ask teachers, other parents, and church organization.

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
     
  8. sweettee29

    sweettee29 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Better than blood!

    All I can say is Thank you Family for all of your advice,
    You all have helped me in a great way
    carlhurd, SpiceB, and Purplemoons
    Man!

    Thank you so ,so, so, so much from the bottom of my heart
    Thank you! This advice is like gold!

    Sweettee, love:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
     
  9. ShemsiEnTehuti

    ShemsiEnTehuti Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Beat him.

    I remember if my face even looked like I wanted to do something, my mother, grandmother, aunt, or who ever said, "come over here". You might start crying then, because you were going to get popped in the mouth and told to "fix yo' face".

    Are you an old school momma? We don't have enough of them, which is one of the reasons why our children our getting worse. We don't know how to discipline them anymore, instead listening to everything Whites have to say while their children are calling in bomb threats (sometimes real) to their middle schools and high schools.

    Talk to an old school momma. If that ain't your mother or you aint an old school mother, then go find one and talk to her.
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister SweetTee ... you've already received some excellent suggestions! I remember when Sister Purple was sharing her concern for her nephew with us, some years back, and it is such a blessing to my heart to read that he's doing well now! :)

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY Sister Purple !!! :toast:

    Okay ... now ... back to my thoughts on your situation Sister SweetTee ...

    I wanna share my experience with my son. He's a grown man now, and i too was / am a single Mother. I remember when he was about that age, 2nd or 3rd grade, and i had the hardest time with him. I just didn't understand why he wouldn't do what he needed to do. He wasn't aggressive toward me. Never that. And i'll speak on your son being slightly aggressive toward you later, but my son acted out other ways. He would get in trouble at school. I would make sure he did his homework every day, and he just wouldn't turn it in. He was completely turned off by something, and it seemed that i couldn't turn it around. I begged, bribed, beat, punished, prayed, everything. Nothing was working. I would talk to my Mother about it, as we lived hundreds of miles apart, searching for an answer. I was distressed over it, and just didn't know what to do. Angry with him for making me go through this, as it looked like he was doing it all on purpose, to make me more krazee in an already krazee and trying situation. I was taking it all very personal! I thought how i never put my Mother through such, and just couldn't understand why he was doing me this way. Well, anyway, at one point i was again talking to my Mother ... crying to my Mother ... about how disappointed in him i was. My Mother said, "You act like you never disappointed me." Gurl ... i was looking all bewildered at the telephone, thinking ... when Momma??!! ... i really believed that i had never disappointed my Mother! I mean, i really believed that! :) Of course that was not true, and as i looked over some of the things i did as a child, it just made me love my Mother more ... because in the midst of her heartbreak and disappoint with me ... she never let me see that pain. She stood with and by me, no matter what. That's why i thought i had never disappointed her ... because of the way she dealt with the disappoint. Can you believe that?! It took me being a grown woman, with children of my own, making me krazee, to realize that i too, had disappointed my Mother along the way. Anyway ... during this same conversation ... Momma said what's the worst thing that can happen, if he continues the way he's going? He can fail the 3rd grade. That's it. But if you keep riding him, and beating him, and making him feel how disappointed you are in him ... not only will he fail the third grade, but he will also lose his best friend. She told me to get off him. Quit beating him up. Love him. Hug him. Let him know how proud of him you are, no matter what. Let him know that, no matter what happens, you will be with him. Gurl ... my Mother has passed on now, and this took place so many years ago ... just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I had such a wonderfully loving and wise Mother! :)

    I thought about how awesome she had to be, a single Mother herself, and when i disappointed her ... and i surely did ... there was never any sign of her heart being broken. Not any at all. That is awesome! That's some Momma'ing for your ... well ... you know! :) She loved me right through all of my errors, giving me space and time to correct myself (of course using the knowledge and wisdom that she constantly shared with me).

    As i think on your baby, and all young children these days, i know it's harder now. I know you and he have many more challenges than i faced raising my babies. There are so many things out there, waiting to steal him from you. Take his life. So many traps and snares laid for our children. You have to be ever vigilant, especially for our sons, because they are the future warriors, and even more attacked than our young girls ... evidenced by prisons and graveyards being filled with them. I would suggest that you come to Brother OldSoul's Consciousness Online Class tonight, and every chance you get, as he always has great information that we can put into effect immediately, to help us with the challenges we face. You can ask him specifically, to speak on this during class, i'm sure he'll be happy too.

    As a result of sharing my trials and tribulations with my Family, my Sister in DC heard about this school ... Piney Woods Country Life School ... which is located right outside of Jackson, MS ... and we ultimately ended up there. It's a historically Black boarding school for our babies! It's simply beautiful! Teaches them so many wonderful things, and they have scholarship programs available too! Prepares them for life, in so many different ways, with positive role models all around. This was our escape. Though my son didn't attend until he was middle school age.

    Sister SweetTee ... the challenges facing you and your baby aren't probably going to get easier, before they get harder. If he's just in grade school now, middle school is going to bring even more fear for his life. He'll be introduced to gangs, they'll be asking him to join one, or beating him up if he doesn't. My son is a big guy, so they weren't beating him up every day, just asking him to be in their gang. He would tell me this when he came home. He would say, Momma, they want me to join their gang. I knew it was just a matter of time before they started jumping him, since his response to their invitation was negative. This was the point where we took him out of the system, and went to Piney Woods.

    Sister SweetTee ... even after you get him out of high school, the danger doesn't stop for our young men. I believe Brother OldSoul said that the warrior age extends until the early or mid thirties. So he is a great threat to white supremacy, during the majority of his young life. They want to kill him or stop him, at the age he is now, as it is easier ... but they never give up.

    In regard to his aggressiveness toward you. You have to stop that right now. Nip it completely in the bud. He can never raise his hand to you, or be rough with you. Never. You must sit him down and talk to him about this. Let him know how much you need his help. How the 4 of you are a Team, and he's the only man on the Team. How you and your daughters are depending on him. Make him know how important he is to the Family, for the Family's protection. He can't ever be physical with you or his Sisters. He must protect yall from anyone else being physical with you. Explain to him how if he is physical with you and his Sisters, then his Sisters will think that it's okay for a man to treat them that way. Let him know how important he is to the TEAM. Let him know how much you need him to be obedient to you. How it makes it easier for you, and the Family, when you can depend on him. Appeal to his heart. I noticed you mentioned that you get tired of chasing him when having to spank him. That too is foreign to me. I never chased my children, and my Mother never chased us. We and they, had to lay down and take a spanking, there was no running around. I can't imagine running, as it would probably have been so much worse. So this is something too, that you can begin to slowly implement, change.

    Sister SweetTee ... the thing about young Black Men, is that whooping them, is not an option you will have for long. I was totally shocked to find out that no matter how hard i beat that child of mine, he was not moved! Gurl, i clearly remember when this happened. He was about 12 years old, and i had him lay across the bed, beat him till my arm was tired ... and he got up and laughed ... chuckled to his self ... and i said ... skuze me! :eeek: ... Gurl ... i was so mad! I made him lay back down and i beat him some more! Not much though, cause my arm was already tired, but this was just for principle! :) Anyway, this realization panicked me, because i thought i'd have this as a tool to keep him in line for his whole life, but such was not the case. So i had to think quick! I was like, oh my gosh, how am i going to get him to be obedient, when whoop'n does no good??!!! So, it was at this point that i had to begin to appeal to his heart. I never let him know, that i knew, that whoop'n was not anything i would be able to use in the future. I kinda used it as a threat, but it was really over. He probably knew too, even though i never said anything. As i said, i began appealing to his heart, his love for me. I let him know how important it is that i can depend on him. I begged him to give me his life, until he was 18. I said, just give me until you're 18. Do what i say, trust me, and after 18, you don't ever have to listen to me again. He gave me that.

    Of course, that was just to get him to 18, but being a Mother never stops. My concern for him, has never ended. Even now, when i try to tell him what i think he should do, give my Motherly advice, he reminds me ... Momma, you said i only had to listen to you until i was 18! :)

    You can do it Sister! You can make sure your baby doesn't get caught up in any of the traps and snares laid for him, but you must be vigilant, as the odds are against him.

    Talking to others, asking for help, advice, suggestions ... knowing that you are not alone ... that every parent raising Black sons in this day and time, have the same challenge as you ... can make the journey feel less lonely and trying.

    A single Mother can raise a responsible Black Man, all by herself, but ... it's much harder. So as others have suggested, try to get him involved with some positive Black Men. Let him learn some new stuff. Give his great energy a way to flourish and blossom ... and you remain forever encouraged! :)

    As you can see, this is a topic close to my heart, for i've gone through it ... successfully ... and so can you!

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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