Black Relationships : Can two people marry without dating first?

[Kemetstry]

In my travels I have noticed that dating as a ritual of courtship is purely a western cultural thing. Infact in most non western cultures men and women don't really socialize nor do they have any prolonged interaction unless marriage is involved.

In these cultures there are no night clubs or no public movie theatres and some of these places there are not even any amusement parks. Infact public displays of affection between the opposite sex is not customary either.

So my question is would you be able to find a mate suitable for marriage without dating them?

Arranged marriages are still in vogue in many cultures

 

[panafrica]

Arranged marriages are still in vogue in many cultures

Indeed they are! In fact, I believe in light of the difficulty so many people (male and female) in our community have in connecting with each other, arraigned marriages would not a bad idea for African Americans. Personally I like the modern Asian-Indian system of arraigned marriages. In that culture people are given a set amount of time (age 35 for example) to find a spouse on their own; however, if they can not find a spouse by that time, they are required to marry the person who their parents arraigned for them to marry. This system ensures that the community will continue to exist, and it significantly reduces the impact that consistent exposure to foreign cultures and values have on the social behavorial expectations of people in their community. Of courses this system would need to be adapted to fit the specific needs of the AA community before it could realistically be followed. However I see the same benefits to Asian-Indians society, being very important for our community as well.

 

[karmashines]

Hmm. Interesting cultural tidbits.

I think it is possible to get married without dating if the 'couple' were friends for a long time.

 

[SAMURAI36]

Yes, I think that this is entirely possible and may be preferable to some. The physical contact allowed by dating is not good in many instances because it produces sexual heat that many people cannot or don't try hard enough to control. After sex enters the picture, it clouds their judgment and the couple usually can't focus on getting to know each others' minds and hearts.

As long as there are opportunities, as there are, in other cultures for each party to know the background, values, personality/disposition etc. of a potential mate, it is possible to have a successful future relationship.

Since some of us want to know more about our African roots, let me say that some of the Nigerian couples I have met initially married without the dating we do in this country and they've been successfully married for many years. Their family members did most of the legwork. The man and woman did spend time to get to know each other before marriage, but they were usually in a group of people, very rarely alone.

As a matter of fact, it is still discouraged in parts of Nigeria for any young woman to date multiple men because she will get the reputation of being "used goods" or not a virgin and at that point, no man will marry her.

I've read that most cultures were like this hundreds of years ago. IMO, it would actually be a good thing to practice in the AA community.

I agree with all of this.

PEACE

 

[Riada]

Indeed they are! In fact, I believe in light of the difficulty so many people (male and female) in our community have in connecting with each other, arraigned marriages would not a bad idea for African Americans. Personally I like the modern Asian-Indian system of arraigned marriages. In that culture people are given a set amount of time (age 35 for example) to find a spouse on their own; however, if they can not find a spouse by that time, they are required to marry the person who their parents arraigned for them to marry. This system ensures that the community will continue to exist, and it significantly reduces the impact that consistent exposure to foreign cultures and values have on the social behavorial expectations of people in their community. Of courses this system would need to be adapted to fit the specific needs of the AA community before it could realistically be followed. However I see the same benefits to Asian-Indians society, being very important for our community as well.

I agree that arranged marriages would be a GREAT idea for many AA's, but I think many here would have to grow up under that system. There is also the issue of "love." We're used to the idea of being "in love" here. Many traditional Africans have a totally different concept about that aspect of a relationship.

Maybe "living in harmony" could replace "being in love."

As you know, the African extended family as well as the extended family in these other societies help to keep the marriages harmonious because many times "older heads" or other "wiser" heads get involved to help the married couple to smoothen things out all the way throughout the marriage. Without the extended families, there would be many more divorces among continental Africans too. Their family system, rooted in their culture, is very valuable and is the one thing that's holding those societies together when all else has failed them. If they ever lose their family system, then heaven help them!!

That's why I agree with you wholeheartedly when you say, AAs aren't going to make much progress, no matter what, until the family system here is fixed.