Black Relationships : Can two people marry without dating first?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Radical Faith, Mar 14, 2006.

  1. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    In my travels I have noticed that dating as a ritual of courtship is purely a western cultural thing. Infact in most non western cultures men and women don't really socialize nor do they have any prolonged interaction unless marriage is involved.

    In these cultures there are no night clubs or no public movie theatres and some of these places there are not even any amusement parks. Infact public displays of affection between the opposite sex is not customary either.

    So my question is would you be able to find a mate suitable for marriage without dating them?
     
  2. Tantrum

    Tantrum Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I dont think so
    There has to be time
    To get to know each other
    Then there has to be that build up of trust
    I think there is too much involved
    To just marry a woman and not get to know
    I think a date is necessary
     
  3. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes because there is still personal time.
    Dinner,watching movies,deep personal discussions,board games in each others homes,walks in the park,travel,excercising together,love letters.
     
  4. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes, I think that this is entirely possible and may be preferable to some. The physical contact allowed by dating is not good in many instances because it produces sexual heat that many people cannot or don't try hard enough to control. After sex enters the picture, it clouds their judgment and the couple usually can't focus on getting to know each others' minds and hearts.

    As long as there are opportunities, as there are, in other cultures for each party to know the background, values, personality/disposition etc. of a potential mate, it is possible to have a successful future relationship.

    Since some of us want to know more about our African roots, let me say that some of the Nigerian couples I have met initially married without the dating we do in this country and they've been successfully married for many years. Their family members did most of the legwork. The man and woman did spend time to get to know each other before marriage, but they were usually in a group of people, very rarely alone.

    As a matter of fact, it is still discouraged in parts of Nigeria for any young woman to date multiple men because she will get the reputation of being "used goods" or not a virgin and at that point, no man will marry her.

    I've read that most cultures were like this hundreds of years ago. IMO, it would actually be a good thing to practice in the AA community.
     
  5. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    How long would it actually take to marry?
    What did they do to interact with one another?
     
  6. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well, you have to keep in mind that in Nigerian culture, a man still has to prove he can support a woman and children before any sensible, decent woman will marry him or even date him. This affects the courtship period.

    If he is trying to finish his trade school diploma, college degree, trying to get a job, or establish a business, that will have a lot to do with how long they “date” each other before marriage. Women there and their family, mainly, “investigate” to make sure that a man has strong prospects of making sufficient money and is of good character before she even starts dating him because if she dates a loser and quits him, she is still damaged goods. So the family is very involved in making sure that the man is a good prospect before they will even allow the woman to focus on the man.

    Also, many men there still have to pay a dowry. It can take him a while to get the dowry because it involves quite a bit of money. So the man and woman will mingle with each other a lot at family gatherings and with friends, but they are both careful not to be alone with each other much unless the courtship period goes on for a while. At that point, they are considered married anyway by everyone around them. These days, they are most likely having sex because they are already “married” in the eyes of their family, friends, and surrounding society. Even until this day, any Nigerian man who is seen with a woman for a while is expected to marry her and will be penalized by the society if he doesn’t. Otherwise, she is considered “used”. So since they are “married” in the eyes of others, they can have sex and do.

    Sometimes, the woman must prove she can get pregnant before marriage. If she can’t, he can break off the relationship. For ex. in my case, I would probably have to prove I can get pregnant before I marry my partner. If I marry him and I can’t get pregnant, I know there will be strong pressure on him to divorce me. If I were to get pregnant now, he would definitely marry me pretty fast.

    This may all sound like something ancient, but actually it’s still serves as the guidelines for relating between the genders among all of the Africans I know and I know Africans from several countries. Among the educated Africans in the West, it is not practiced quite as strictly, but it is still practiced.

    Some continental African men in the West “use” AA women for cheap (sex, financial and other assistance, etc.) because they know most Black women here don’t know the culture. They also know many AA women are kinda sorta desperate. Many of these relationships don't end in marriage because there is no pressure from the surrounding society and they know AA women don't know what she is due.
     
  7. MoorNegusNegast

    MoorNegusNegast Active Member MEMBER

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    i think other cultures can do it b/c they hve the key element that most of is 'black' folks dont have in this hemisphere and thats - CULTURE...an east indian couple can get together on an arranged marriage b/c they see and perceive life the same...they share the same PARADIGM...but we on the other hand see life totally different from each other....even us in the 'conscious' community have a lot of different views and idologies (sp?)...most of our paradigms are different
     
  8. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I liked every part until if a woman can get pregnant!
    So if she cannot reproduce she is not a women fit to marry?
     
  9. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A "barren" woman who is married to an African man from any African country I know of, is up ****s creek as my mother says. Even if he's the one who's sterile, she is usually blamed until it is proven beyond any doubt that it's his fault. Even when it's proven, it's the couple's secret, so people still think it's her fault.

    If a typical Nigerian woman doesn't have at least one boy child, this, too is grounds for divorce among certain segments of them, especially the less educated but even among some of the well-educated ones. Even if they don't get a divorce, the husband can take another wife who can give him at least one son.

    There are variations on this depending on whether they live in the village, in the city, in the West, etc., but these are still the guidelines.
     
  10. oldiesman

    oldiesman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    can two people...

    they do it in hollywood all the time,hehe..but i think that before spending what you hope is the rest of your life with someone,you might wanna take some time to know as much as possible[and remember folks you're never gonna know a person until you live under the same roof]so go on afew dates first.
     
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