Black Parenting : can absent fathers be shamed into taking care of their children?

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by panafrica, May 1, 2004.

  1. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The National Fatherhood Initiative has started a bus advertisement campaign to promote fatherhood in black communities. Featured on many buses & benches are pictures of black children giving messages of their disappointment over not having a father in their lives. While I appreciate the overall point, I am not sure how effective this will be. I think the breakdown of the black family (of which the decrease of the black father is a major part), is one of our most important issues. However I wonder if these ads are over-simplifying an extremely complex issue, much like the "just say no" ads over-simplified drug abuse during the 1980s. What does the rest of my Destee family think? Can an absent father be shamed into becoming a part of their children's life?
     
  2. SensualReality

    SensualReality Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am a child with an absent biological father and I do not believe he would be shamed into becoming what I call a father.He is simply the man who helped make me I believe.I love him,but he does not deserve that title as a father.I don't think a bunch of pictures of children wanting their fathers should make him want to be in my life.He should do it on his own and maybe I would appreciate it. :deal:
    thanx for sharing this :wink:
     
  3. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A sad face of some black child, alone at a bus stop will, not phase the mindset of man who is removed emotionally, physically and psychologically from his own seed. I also wonder how many of these fathers are absent because they are imprisoned, dead or otherwise, taking into consideration the state of the black male population today. Also, I personally know many black fathers who are very involved in their child or children’s lives. Unfortunately, it is my belief that they are often overlooked and do not have a voice in the efforts made to re-build fatherhood in the black community.

    I’m wondering what studies were conducted and what the data revealed to implement the strategy of which the campaign was based. Logically, there should have been surveys conducted with absent fathers, I don’t know this but the campaign should be designed around the mindset of an absent father, whatever that may be. I personally, would rather see compelling statistics regarding the futures of these children as well as two-fold campaign that also speak to mothers regarding decision-making and behavioral patterns that may also be contributing to this vicious cycle.

    This subject has some many layers and so many directions to which it could be handled; it’s hard to wrap your arms around it. I think that we should be looking at more solution based campaigns to help the children who have immediate needs such as our black children who are wards of the state, roughly making up 40 to 45 % of adoptable children in the US and numbers that double in large cities.

    I don’t think we can wait for absent fathers to step up; our energies should be invested into programs that have proven to offer effective mentorship, self-esteem building and social/academic/life planning direction to our fatherless or orphan children.

    Just a few thoughts, I’ll stop here because this subject is so comprehensive but in short, I agree, I don’t think the campaign will be effective. Shame is not the answer.
     
  4. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Maybe this campaign should have started when the first white man raped our women on the plantation and refused to recognize the child as his own.

    I don't know if you can shame a male-child into being a man and father to his children. That has a lot to do with the character or lack of. I think if a male does not want to grow up and take responsibilty, shaming might have the opposite effect. It's either in them to do it or it's not in them.
     
  5. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sekhemu

    Peace Sekuma

    I’m not sure what your saying or what your statement has to do with my previous remarks…

    But your reply seems contradictory and somewhat vague…

    You say


    And then you say…


    Could you elaborate? Help me to understand your point.
    Do you feel a campaign premised on the strategy of “Shame” will work or not?
     
  6. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First of all my name is Sekhemu, not sekuma, please be careful with the name!
    There no contradictions in my reply to this thread. Once again. if a male does not have it in his character to be a father, then it's just not in him. How much simpler can I make this. In addition. By shaming him you may cause an opposite effect. In other words he could lash out at the mother or the child, or if he does decide to take time to spend with the child, he would be doing so under duress and I doubt his actions would be from the heart.

    With respect to the actions of white males during slavery. Think about it... white males are privilaged. after 250 years of Miscegeny, how many white plantation owners will admit to having a child by a black woman, much less raising him like a norman human being.

    So if you wanna go around sounding the alarm about the absentee black father, let's start with white males first.

    So I say, not every male makes a good father. some may indeed make a good husband, but a poor father. To be quite honest. Too many sistahs are not taking the time to find out the difference of the two, before they open their legs to these fellahs This is part of the problem
     
  7. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I do not think that men can be shamed into being fathers. Some of the place themselves in or are in insurmountable circumstances which prohibit that or they just plain out do not care.

    As for me my father tried to be in place however, he was a victim of the prison game. And he languished in prison and when he came home when I was about one or two (Paraphrasing from mama), he was hanging out with too many dope dealers and hoods and thus my mama raised up.

    My Father was not able to be a father because he had too much to deal with in his own life as a man. An Attempt at fatherhood by him would have been futile because he had his own demons which would have inhibited him from doing so.

    However, he did try sometimes to come into my life and my bitterness and anger rejected his pleads to try to be a dad. Thus I think in some situations it is a two way street. People hold onto to bitterness and anger too much and they push their fathers away; moreover, I understand that the person has a right to be angry and bitter because of their father being transparent and not a parent; but still, their must be some comprise. Angerness and bitterness will only make the situation more dilapidated than it already is.

    Last year I decided to write my father a letter and apologize for my bitterness and anger towards him:

    http://www.manasia.net/dad.htm

    In doing so I released a lot of bitterness towards him but I also created a path for change in his life. It seems that after that letter he is finally on the right track, he is doing pretty good for himself right now, he has a few things to work on, but he is doing better than his usual which is prison.

    I truly believe that programs must be created in order for others to fill in the role of missing fathers, blaming the white man does nothing. For 24 years I blamed the white man and guess what, My Daddy was still absent. It was not until I took the first step forward that he actually was able to rest easy within in his soul; thus, creating an environment perfect for catharsis which now has made this boy finally become a man.

    In conclusion, I believe that shaming is not going to help anything, there is a mode of shaming right now within the court system (I.E. Locking you up for not paying child-support, taking away your license, garnish wages and etc.) but these methods are usually ineffective. Deadbeat dads are released usually within in a 6 month period and are back to their same old ways, or they just pay support and never show up. Another alternative to solving this problem with education; I think that people should be educated about childbirth and the consequences of it, I think that people should practice safe sex and to be honest with you, I think people should try to abstain until they are married; however, I know that is difficult so with that said safe sex should be practiced. I think boys and girls should have more classes in school which deal with raising families and the consequences of having them when you are not ready. And the last key ingredient is love. We ought to love that missing father, we should not hate because hate suppresses our divinity; but with love comes peace and understanding and a sound mind; however, this does not mean just take your missing father back with full exoneration, it simply means love and forget not because when you hate and always remind, you only get more angry, bitter and frustrated.

    Thank you for reading my post and if it was convoluted I will be happy to clear up the confusion and chaos.
     
  8. Joyce

    Joyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I didn't think it was possible, but for the first time, I agree with you...100% :spinn: It definitely has to be in him. Shucks, you can't even shame a man into pulling up his pants so that the bottom of his butt cheeks will not show. Instead he appears to have this shameless pride that leads him to believe that women love to see this type of material...not realizing gays really love it. So if you can't shame them into improving their appearance, you certainly can shame them into taking care of their children...as you said, that's something that's either in them or not.

    Joyce
     
  9. SensualReality

    SensualReality Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sekhemu

    It seems like you are on another subject.......but I get what you are saying
     
  10. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Everything I said is inter-related :)
     
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