Black Relationships : Brothers Keep It Real What Type Of Women Would You Look For To Be Your Wife

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by ASHANTA, Feb 8, 2004.

  1. ASHANTA

    ASHANTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    These are questions that many black women do not ask black men. Keeping it real my brothers what are your views on marriage and wife material? Keep it real and speak from your heart. Is it true that men are afraid to speak there true feelings? fairing that it gives women the impressions that a man is weak. Speaking from the heart and not the ego are men
    afraid of the negative images of marriage. Explain to sisters the positive effects that can make the bond between black men and women stronger. What can the black women contribute to relations and breaking the obstacles that stand in the way of unity for all black men and women.

    Examples: Men feel that women give the image of black men a bad portrayal .
    Women feel the same and both are right, this enhances the roles of destructions.

    It is call conservative racism judging a person by another persons actions, judging the image but not the man. Can we break this stereotypes because
    It is destroying the foundations of relationships among black women and men.
    There are many positives sisters as well as brothers. How can we look beyond
    the images of sterotypes and come together as one.
     
  2. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ok I gonna try and keep it real

    ASHANTA.. nothing wrong with your question. It is a fair one. In reading your comments I can't say I agree or disagree. I haven't felt or heard of some of the reasons you noted for a lack of bonding. ( ie: Men feel that women give the image of black men a bad portrayal .)

    As far as this question.

    " Is it true that men are afraid to speak there true feelings? " Now this doesn't apply 100% to all men. There are exceptions and I will try and touch on them as well.

    In a way it has a lot of truth in it. But men will speak the truth. In a sort of coded fashion, to women.. but to other men the often don't speak the truth either. Because they fear betrayal, ridicule, or being seen as weak. So we have it bad in all arena's. A man will feel out what he thinks he is looking for in a mate. He may want children.. and wil atch how you react to your sisters kids. How you take disappointment is of special interest to a guy.. cause he knows there will be those days. he mayhave to come home and tellyou he just got fired.. or laid off.
    The world is diffeent for men in general. Its a dog will eat dog challenge to keep his cards close to his chest. Lest he be taken for a fool. He doen't have a lot of trust built into things or people. As he ventures out.. lets say sharing with the lady in his life.. he approches it in a way that may seem closed and not open enogh to her. Don't attck.. encourage open dialog. Let him know you can be trusted.. and never use what you know about his weaknesses to get back at him.. you will find he will always remember this. You will always be special on his list as someone he knows didn't betray him. A man can't let it be known where his treasures and heart is buried. This fear needs to be worked on. Some men are betetr than others.. but overall all men have hang-ups of some kind. Plu's we only come in less than ten flavors. Where women are like Baskin Robbins.. more than 32 flavors.. so many flavors and such.. these traits, beauty and elegance all women have.. but only a few of them are able to exercise it in a way that will keep a man focused on her. Because another is doing it differently and better. Plu's a guy will tell you he can make love to 100 women and not find two the same.

    Most men feel if true feelings are spoken, it would be taken as weak, or that he is a lunatic.. wanting more than she ( a woman ) is willing to give. On the other hand. Women don't make bones about their intentions sometimes. They out right let it be known they want a man to marry and take care of them. The breakdown in such a statement is the words " take care of them " This holds funny pictures in the mind of some men. This could mean she wants to be a stay at home, women.. and he should work 40+ hours to bring in all the bread and butter ( cash ) needed to live. This to some men is a choking idea. A man is always afraid he would have to committ and loose his street contacts and old friends when he marries. This scares a guy. Whether he is a pool hustler or a corporate business guy. He needs his contacts.. they got him the insides to where and how he made his way so far in this life. So a man needs re-assuring that he won't loose those contacts and the abilty to spend time with those he feel can keep him abreast of the changes in the ( world ) game.

    The exceptional guy has the ability to be absent from the direct hanging of the streets and still keep up with what is happening during his general and indirect contacts with those he know. This may be the better choice of a man to marry. He has and understands no particular individual should take and monopolize his time, but he has a better grasp on dividing his time and family values so that a smoother blend exist. Now the wife / girlfriend plays a role in either of these two examples. If she disapproves of him, doing the light run, or even disapproves of the constant street runner. She may find his selfish nature can take over and he will seek what he feels is right for him to feel complete.

    To win either over. She should understand and let him know while she may not approve of him being in the streets as much as he does, she is willing to compromise, and work on understanding what he feels he needs.

    What may happen and could happen from this approach is he will spend less time in the streets in general. See a guy wants to feel he is in control. Saying something like this takes this edge off him deciding.. and he will change in order to make you wrong again. He will prove he doesn't need to be in the strets as much. He really don't to be honest. There is nothing in the streets.

    Not anymore. There used to be things to see, and take in.. But now crime and crazy is order of the day. You can't go to clubs like you used to. Because the twenty-one and twenty-two year olds who believe to have a good time you must pack heat.. and be ready for all the other fellows you ran over at a young age are coming to the clubs now.

    A man needs challenge. He is driven by it. To challenge a man. You have to convince and have him believe that something can't be obtained by him. If you want to be his only girl.. you have to challenge him. Tell him you understand. Then ask. Could you be with only me? Tell him he can't be with or commit to only you. What you will find is he will take that challenge and do all he can to prove you wrong. Some women believe they must fool their men. Well this one of those good times where fooling him is acceptable. He must think the idea came from him... be ready for a commitment like you have never seen.

    To help our culture in general.. I think we all need therapy. In groups of men and women. Talking. Honest and open dialect. We don't believe in psychoanalysis or doctors.. and in some cases its well founded. But we need to seek help if needed. When starting a new realtionship, don't carry the baggage into the new relationship. If asked keep it in perspective and move on. Give up the notion that you loose something because you have spent time and years with someone. Or gave your time and effections to them. You can't miss what you can't measure.

    You don't loose time. Because it will come and go wheather your with someone or not. Take the positive aspects from the past.. period. Relationships and all. If you learned that you need to have more patience then be willing to work on that. Never nag as they call it. Set your expectations and if anyone fails to live up to them. then you need to move on. If children are involved.. keep things civil.. even if you get stuck with a dead beat.. do what you can legally and let it go. I'm not sure this whole thing touched base enough.. but it should get some thoughts rolling.

    1. ) I want a lady I can trust. With my secrets, and money.
    2. ) I need a woman I can talk to and she open to new idea's. A man is always thinking and willing to do bigger and better things if he knows he has a partner that see's and have confidence in him.
    3. ) A lady with good pillow talk. Tell me the truth. What you like. Your fears. This may be the best times to cry. :heart:
    4. ) I need a lady thats has morals.. The last thing I need is her giving my friend thoughts that he has a chance or opportunity of getting with her. Tell me first time he trys.. I need to cut that fool short. Cause he no longer has my back.. he wants my throat, and happiness.
    5.) I need a lady that listens to her man, and takes her girl friends with a grain of salt.. they don't always have your interest and happiness in mind. Plu's I'll tell you when they try pushing up on me.
    6.) Good with children, and has a mellow outlook at things. Knowing it may be raining today.. but the sun has a chance to come out tomorrow.
    7.) Someone that shares my crazy ideas of standing in the rain.. walking the beach, looking at the moon and stars.. and is a hopelesss romantic like me.. cause it keeps the love flowing.. buy me some flowers.. cook me that meal.. I will do the same. Volunteer to bath me.. braid my hair. You want to get to a mans heart.. braid his hair.. you will have him in the best position to get into his heart and head.
     
  3. ASHANTA

    ASHANTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My brother as I read this script I can’t keep the tears from falling from my eyes
    the words that you have displayed oh God in my younger years
    I would have loved to hear understanding the true meaning an feelings of a black
    man let me keep it real. Women also hide behind the scars and pains, many of us
    feel that when we show our true feelings, for some reason we confuse the boy with
    the man. I am almost half the age of many in this forum. The tears that fall
    waiting to here the true feelings of a black man..


    Sometimes sisters that’s keeping it real are repeating the same script let me take
    It to a step of honor, the sanctuary of pure love. My king there are women, and there are chicken heads, there are boys and there are men.
    Many times women are not educated in the area of what a real black man is.
    Many men are the same insecurities and thrusting for power, ego that feeds on pain.
    When you young sometimes you are dumb. We have all fell in this arena.
    Let me take it another level my king we share the same fairs.
    Let me speak for women of my age, sometimes in life we have mastered
    the street ology then we reach a certain period in life where we
    grow forsaken the lustful demons we begin to appreciate
    the body an the temple it didn’t just happen, but through trials and
    error the truth shall surface.

    To be a women we don’t thing between the Niles we think with our heads.
    The body becomes the temple and the heart rejects everything if it Is not love.
    We then go into seclusions forsaken the negative intrusions the body
    then seeks for spiritual growth. Oh how I under stand these words we sing
    the same song.

    My son let me take you to another level of love.
    If you marry a women you become one. If you fair the unknown then leave
    It alone. If the love is right believe me it will be known. It will be know
    free ride if your goals in life are the same. There is nothing wrong with
    being selective. Make sure your women is your best friend even if you decide to wed
    . If it dose not appear
    then you leave without doubt your heart will know when it is right.

    Man must be equally yoke if not there will always be problems.
    It will be accepted by a real woman the man is the king of his castle
    if not don't even bother to enter into the relationship it will be problems.
    Equally yoke is when the spirit and the heart is one.
    The women must have the same dreams and ideas as one.
    I tell my daughter if you want to find a king than you must
    go where the kings ventures, if you want to find a Queen then you must find her temple.
    My son always keep it real I always say to my daughter if you listen
    to a new beginning humble and you will know where you are going
    the devil will always tell on him or her self.

    Women thurst for romance a king shall always be the leader
    if a women feel secure she thrust for his leadership.
    Understanding the women it is not always about material things
    a flower and all those old fashion things.
    Theres a difference between a women and a whore
    when you have to pay her for your services run fast
    believe me there will be someone there waiting after you leave.
    Many young women seek the life of a thug in her mind
    she feels this is strength in a man sometimes to them
    pain is pleasure many times leadership .

    To bring unity back to the black culture we must express how
    we feel, we must judge women by her own accord , if you judge
    her by all you will loose the true meaning of black love.
    Thank you my son for sharing this with me I hope
    every sister in this community will have the chance
    to know what a true black man is.
    Thank you my king. :luv:

    You can’t take a whore and make a house wife.
    You can’t take a thug and make a man.
    Only change must come within self.

    My son continue to teach there are many who seek the true feelings
    Of a black man this is every women treasures. Within this form
    my understandings have given me in sight what a black man thinks.
    Respect my son. Bless the sisters so they can understand the true
    Image of a man.
    Respect.
     
  4. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think that most men want someone they can talk to. I do think some men have a problem addressing some issues to women. I know that I have to be with someone who is very receptive to my problems and concerns. Someone who will listen, whether she wants to hear my complaints or not. Someone who will listen out of respect for what I have to say. I've never had someone who totally took in what I was sayng (especially when it was about her). I think that's a little discouraging to men. I have an idea of what type of woman I want. I want someone who is attractive to me, honest, sweet, considerate and loving. Someone who really cares how I'm doing and cares about my needs. I think a lot of men want to have that one woman, but in these days it's hard to find one (man or woman) that is worthy of taking that chance. I have been married and I know right now I don't think I'll ever do it again. It left such a bad taste in my mouth that I can't imagine doing it again. I know a few people who have that same view. So much time was wasted for nothing. Then again, I know that I'm the type to want one woman in my life that makes me happy. I also think a lot of brothas think that if they commit, the good times will be a thing of the past. All the adventure will be gone. Sex will dwindle down to once a week. Nagging will take the place of working together. People start taking eachother for granted when there is a sense of security. People make the mistake of thinking that the other person will be there forever no matter what wrong you are doing. People get too comfortable in marriage to where they don't see the others concerns and needs. That is a big concern for me. I just need someone who is with me because she loves me and wants to be the one to make me happy for the rest of my life. That's how I look at marriage, honestly. I want to make the person I marry happy all the time. We can work on the other stuff together and over a period of time, so that we get where we want to be in life. I don't know how many women or men actually look to marry for that reason.
     
  5. ASHANTA

    ASHANTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My brother I can understand where you are coming from ,
    and I have repeated these same words,
    in fact I am saying it each day I breathe.
    But let me give you the key to what love is really about,
    when God gave the commandments it was not
    words written for a script.

    The most precious love there is,
    when you can be with a women and don’t get
    physical with her until you make love to her mind.
    When you build up to that point in
    time when you can save your self for marriage.

    It might seem old fashion ,
    but the true love is when the mind
    and body is sacred. The love making will take place when
    you can make love to her by just touching her ,
    and the sensation becomes a strong bond.
    When you look for that special lady ,
    she will be every thing you ever wanted in life.

    There is a time when you will know,
    what she is thinking about and when ever
    you think of her she will be on the phone
    calling your name.

    Every time shes in your presence tears will fall.
    Oh my king the best kind of love
    that a man can have
    for a woman is sacred love.

    Gentle soft spoken and spontaneous,
    A spiritual sister is the best women you can marry
    Because she knows the sanctuaries of love
    . To love God is to love man.
    The heart is a piercing energy
    that only true love that can be shared.

    If you have to tell a women how to love you,
    and how to treat you move on.
    One must remember if you love so one,
    it will come natural.

    Don’t let
    pass relationships be the future of love to come.
    Take your time and respect
    the sister and she will make you the happiest man in life.
    Always remember without respect there will never be love.
    There are many sisters that are looking for the same things in life.
    When you meet a sister put your cards on the table but always be able
    to hold back in case it fail. Wisdom is power and knowledge follows.
    But understanding is the great key to keep love going.

    Never bring baggage to a relationship,
    it will always remind you of yesterday
    And your relationship will never work,
    thinking about how it was.
    Many times women get comfortable in marriage,
    but when you are one
    You become friends and you will love
    the person for the good and the bad.

    Nothing stays the same,
    but there is always a way a brother can spice up
    his relationship. It is not what you say but how you say it.
    To share your most interment thoughts and views,
    your lady who will become
    your best friend trust is the key to love,
    freedom to leave without
    worry are causes.

    Some times it is best to sustain and believe me my
    brother a women will want to supply your every needs.
    Always be the protector many women seek for a mans protection
    But never smother her, she will know who is the man.
    Old fashion love my king is the best love
    romance is the key to a women’s heart.
    Don’t be confuse with the material girls there are ladies out there
    Who would love to share a quiet night,
    candle lights and the sweet sound
    Of poetry written just for her.
    But my king know the queen when you see her.
    Don’t be fool by the out side of the picture
    always beware of the frame.

    A real women always listen if she loves the man she’s with.
    A strong bond with a women is a man who forsakes all those
    Who bring threat to her. Humble as a man and listen
    You will know what a women is all about.
    Don’t be fooled by beauty it may be your defeat if the beauty
    Is not inside. Think with the head not with the heart.
    Sometimes the heart will confuse you. But strong minds
    breeds positive thoughts.
     
  6. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Man ASHANTA, that was a lot to take in, but I respect and feel what you're saying. I'm gonna have to print that out because that was very beautiful and enlightening at the same time. I appreciate the words and advice. Thank you.
     
  7. ASHANTA

    ASHANTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Blessings my king always remeber these words in life.
     
  8. Alkebulan

    Alkebulan Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    what an interesting ?. thanks, ASHANTA, 4 posting it. what i look 4 has changed somewhat over the yrs, & hopefully become less fastidious.

    may sound superficial 2 some, but physical attractivness is still hi on my list. i'm not talking beauty queen gorgeous, but appealing 2 me on some level. it's important 2 me that she work out to maintain her shape & health, just b/c it's round doesen't make it sound. in fact, that's something we can do 2gether.

    honesty is vital, no relationship worth anything can survive long w/o it. this is the foundation upon which we can build. i encounter folk on a regular basis claiming they want the truth, but then they punish you when they get it. i realize there's a fine line b/t truth & tactlessness, and one's choice of words can make all the difference. but everything shouldn't hv 2 b sugarcoated.

    virtue is important. i need a principled woman. one who doesen't always seek the path of least resistance, or do something b/c there was little thinking beyond, 'i thought it would b fun'. she may entertain thoughts of infidelity at times, but that's the extent of it. she has more regard 4 herself & the sanctity of our home than 2 disrespect it like that.

    modesty would b welcome. f u dress like ur on fire, expect 2 get hosed! while u were single, f u made a habit of wearing outfits that put ur body on display, that was ur bidness. u can go ahead & donate those 'clubbin outfits' 2 the salvation army, or better yet, burn them. also, f she has that mentality, 'i'm the prize', please accept my congratulations! now keep steppin w ur bad trophy self.

    patience & understanding would b useful. i mess things up. it's usu not intentional or catastrophic, unless some1 makes it that way. when u learn something well n the south, they say u hv it 'down pat'. i don't get things down pat quickly, u'll probably hv 2 sho me more than a few times, but i will get it. f u can't wait or r hot tempered, we won't make it 4 long.

    teachableness & humility have a place also. f u already kno everything, or, almost everything, ur much 2 valuable 2 medical science 2 b hanging around w some1 as ignorant as me. i only kno a little bit about a few things, and i'm not sure how much of it is actually factual, but f u kno a little too, mayb we could xchange what little we kno with e/o & discover a little more 2gether.

    last but not least, fiscal responsibility. f all, or the overwhelming majority, of ur dreams center around material acquisition & the accumulation of $, i hope u find some1 w an equivilent consumer mentality to provide u w them. i'd prefer a woman who has learned that she can work 4 her $, and her $ can work 4 her, but not f she's n a hurry 2 put it n some1 else's pocket.

    i probably could hv summed these all up by saying a woman w an afrocentric global perspective, but that can mean so many different things 2 diff people.

    of course i understand my responsibility 2 reciprocate & display these same qualities to attract them. this list is by no means comprehensive, but it covers those attributes i consider the most important. i'm pretty flexible on the remainder.
     
  9. Sapphdia

    Sapphdia Active Member MEMBER

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    Sister Ashanta thank you for your post and for your beautiful responses. Every morning and every night I pray to God that I will be reminded that I am on the right path. I ask God to speak through others to me and let me know that even though this path that I have chosen has not been easy, it was the right choice and it iwon't be in vain. I ask God to renew my faith every day that I will have the life I want complete with achieved dreams, wonderful husband, strong sons, and a happy and peaceful existence. I ask God to prepare me for the life that I want, to prepare me to be a good wife and a good mother. Every day my mind starts working against me and I start thinking about how I made the wrong decision and how I'm going to be alone forever, and then just like magic I come across something like this topic and God is just coming right through the page and your words. I just thank God that my prayers are answered and when I'm starting to question and lose faith God speaks to me and lets me know that this spiritual journey for a closer relationship with God will never be a waste of time.

    Your words here have been encouraging and God has truly spoken through you to me reminding me that I am being prepared to be all that my husband and children need me to be and that I need to be patient and listen for God's instructions. Thank you so much! You are an :angel1: and please continue to share your wise words with us.
     
  10. ASHANTA

    ASHANTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Blessings my sister every day is an adventure God said ask and it shall be done. It may not be when we want it but it will always be own time. There are many men who seek the same things we do. Fear has its own place of darkness, nothing be a failure but a believer. I feel your pain, but through the trials and error. I have learn humality. Wisdom to no and wisdom to apply. Keep faith my sister because Gods word is law. We must go through the transformation and it builds our strength in the creator. Blessings be upon your house.
     
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