Black Poetry : Break Through

Randee

Well-Known Member
REGISTERED MEMBER
Jul 31, 2003
607
41
Albany, NY
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what she says makes me catch my breath
she ran into him, he has nothing and she wondered how I must feel
i looked at her, disgusted, and for the first time the whole situation finally felt real
Break D
..........O
..........W
..........NO
BREAK THROUGH
I looked around and realized how far i've come
and how much I have right here and now
and how many new possibilities there will become
and then I ask her to take a solemn vow
that unless he told her he was going to kick my ***
After tonight I didn't want to ever again discuss my past
And, then I continued, I wanted her to understand
How and what I overcame in leaving that man
She kept interrupting, telling me her story
and while I emphathized, I wanted to take inventory
of my life, think about what I have and stop wallowing
for what I left there is no need to cry
So I got off the phone and thought of the following:
When things were at their worst and I thought I would die
nothing I coulda, woulda, shoulda done would ever reverse
that relationship, for it always was and always will be my biggest curse
I remember driving home daily from work
wondering if he would go berserk
looking at the digital clock
driving around and around the block
just so I didn't have to go home.
Remembering how my hand was broken by the phone
He tripped thinking i was talking about leaving him
when I was trying to plan with my sister a trip to the gym
I started taking sleeping pills at 5:15 at night
so I was fast asleep nightmaring and there would be no fight
when he got home from doing whatever it was he do
Fourteen months later I knew it was completely through
smoked my bank account in 36 hours
then tried to make it all right by picking flowers
and singing the same song and dance
how can i leave him when he needs me, same old stance
I packed my things and went to leave
it was at that point I knew I would have to deceive . . .
he slapped me, punched me, threw a chair at me
then told me he loved me and he knew this I could see
I told him what he wanted to hear
smiled as I told him I would always be near
he took me with force right then and there
he raped me next to that overturned chair
while I didn't say no, I was so afraid to not
so I opened my legs and did what he want
Three days later I began my search for an apartment
this was going to be my biggest adjustment
scraping money together from here and there
I told three people what I was going through their answer: unfair
the sh*t that he put you through
It's besides the point I have to get out
I can't stay there no more, without a doubt
When I told him I found a place to live
he wondered when we were moving and I had to give
answers to questions he responded to with fists
I am leaving alone and don't try to find me
its been over for so long how can't you see
that if we stay together I'm going to be dead and you'll be in jail
so for once in two years can't you just let my words prevail
let me walk out the door and you'll be in my prayers
He opened the door, took my purse and threw me down the stairs
I ran to the car and cried in front of the police station for an hour
went back to work and tried to regain my power
On the way home I stopped there again
came out with the police escort I went in to obtain
My heart was beating fast and I was nearly choking on tears
I walked into the house that for two years I feared
I knocked on my own door and opened it up
and he sat their looking at me like I was f*cked up
I told him I was leaving and I took two weeks worth of things
i left on the table his i'm sorry, i promise, it won't happen again necklace, bracelet and rings
I began a countdown (from my friends couch) to when I got my own place
and the days (47 in all) fell off the calendar at an extraordinary pace
Moving day came and thanks to two friends
I got my *** out of a place that lead only to dead ends
And now, only three months later as I look around
I realized how far I have come and the old me that I found
Life is calming down and I went back in school for a fourth degree
never going back to him, thats a unVOIDable guarantee
Tears of relief and exasperation begin to come and they flow
The Bible is right, you reap what you sow.
 
It all seemed to come together last night that I lost this and that and I was feeling sorry for myself and blah blah blah, but looking around taking inventory of what I had still and could get and all that I hurdled over to get where I am is extraordinary. And, this man I loved (and love still) has nothing. I don't feel guilty, I made every attempt and he lost it all on his own.
 

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