Black Short Stories : bottom ***** forever

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by tUFFY, Mar 17, 2004.

  1. tUFFY

    tUFFY Active Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2004
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    I am retired
    Location:
    Rocklin California (HIgh Sierras)
    Ratings:
    +0
    Hi I am a new member. I had to do a writing exercise earlier and I liked the way that it came out so I decided to let it be my poremier on Destee. Please critique me and let me know how I am doing :thanks: tUFFY


    It was the first time she'd seen him in years, and even

    now she hadn't forgiven him nor herself. As she looked at him all slumped over in his wheelchair she realized that it was all her fault that he was where he was. And that she was in the position that she was in. It is important for you to understand that although I am telling you this story I was not there when it happened. It was so horrible, however, that everybody that was there agreed on every detail of the story. Now that in itself is an oddity.

    T-Baby had been with McLemore Redd for over a year. Redd was one of the toughest pimps on the circuit and she was so proud of being his woman. He was a Memphis pimp born in the McLemore Projects in Memphis Tennessee. Redd had started out with one white ho' named Honda who had been with him for 8 years since she was 15. T-baby was one of his new turn-outs but she was strong worker and a good thief. She could peel a tricks pocket leaning in his car while he was stopped at a light. Redd could not figure out how she did it. Really he did not care as long as she brought her trap home to Daddy When Honda was sentenced to prison for 2 years which meant she would do at the least 13 m onths it was T-Baby who took over her job as "Bottom *****". the most coveted position in the stable.

    The day that Honda came home T-Baby had a sinking feeling in her stomach all ight the night before. It really hit home when Redd sent Lightenin' to tell her that they would be sharing a room now and to move her things out of the master suite. It felt to her as though someone had taken a sledge hammer and wrecked her whole life. Never had she felt the pain that she was experiencing now. Her throat was so constricted that it felt as though a boa constrictor was around her neck, her stomach hurt and her bowels were loose.

    She looked out the window at the Candy apple red Caddy Coupe that was in the carport. She had bought most of that car with a ten grand clip from some Hasaidic Jew from New York that she had dated. Now that was one of her great clips one of the ones that would keep her name ringing in the penintentiarys and shooting galleries of the underworld. Yeah T-Baby was a bad ***** but next to the honey blond Honda she was nothing. At least that was how she saw it. She looked around the room once more to make sure that she had not left anything except for the new slinky satin peignoir that she had purchased, She left that on purpose so she would have a reason to knock on the door later. You know how we do it ladies.

    As the night rolled in, life took on a meaning all of its own. As she sat in Redds anteroom she listened to the cacophony of sounds that emanted from his bedroom. Hondas clear chime pealing laughter, the deep gruff laugh of Redds. Each sound a dagger in T-Baby's heart of hearts. Just as she had decided that she vould take no more the double door swung open, and Redd in all of his beauty and splendor stood in the door. To T-Baby it was like a last chance to drink in the ethereal aura of her man's essence. Redd was 5'10 with that beautiful red indian skin that Tenessee Blacks seem to hold a license over. His cheekbones high, and his hair permed to the tee better than any Hollywood actress. His skin smooth as the colloquial babies *** and that included his face and chest. She could see the light streak of skin that snaked down the center of his chest down to the nether regions where his manhood probably sat fat soft and warm. Money made his dick get hard, not a woman. She thought about the night she took the money from the Jew his Dick stood up like the proverbial oak tree reaching for the sun and she had impaled herself upon it until she could take no more. What she would have given at that moment to put her lips against the little cleft where his stomach went into his groin. His secret spot that only she knew about it. Well Honda probably knew too. It was with that thought that Honda chose to come out of the bedroom rocking her black peignoir. A girl can only take so much.

    T-baby grabbed the iron that sat on the ironing board that projected from the wall. When people tell the tale of what happened that night they say that she was whaling that iron like she was roping cattle. The first swing caught red dead center in his forehead a chunk of his well chisled forehead landing behind the silver painted radiator. The second took out Handa and the best description they can give for the damage she sustained was that the funeral was closed casket.

    Honda died that night. her life blood to dwell under the floorboards for the rest of time. Redd well he did not die but he never constructed a complete sentence or thought again in his life. As for T-Baby the judge ag reed that she had to have lost her mind but he had to give her something so 10 years was the sentence.

    When T-Baby left the penintentiary her first stop was at Redd's. She knew that Redd's Mama had invested his money before she died and that a woman was taking care of him for pay. It had been a hard ten years for T-Baby but not as hard as the self imposed sentence that she was about to begin. You see she had decided that she would at last have her spot backa s Bottom ***** and taking care of Redd would be her final task. Her life ended the day she hit her man accidentally trying to kill a white *****. Her sentence bottom ***** forever. The End


    Cain't died the day my Grandmother was born.

    Do not let the pain of yesterday cheat you out of the glory of today.

    Love starts within. You cannot love me if you do not love you.

    Read my blog @ www.xanga.com/tuffy47
     
  2. Alkebulan

    Alkebulan Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2002
    Messages:
    833
    Likes Received:
    8
    Occupation:
    slacker
    Location:
    boringham, alabama
    Ratings:
    +8
    welcome

    hi tuffy & welcome 2 destee

    i'm not really qualified 2 critique ur work, but i did want 2 tell u i enjoyed it.

    ur short story has interesting characters & some vivid descriptions. i confess 2 wishing 4 a little more plot development & a bit of lengthening might not hurt either. i wuz getting warmed up w it & then it wuz ova :cry:

    lookin 4ward 2 reading some more of ur short stories. thanks.
     
  3. tUFFY

    tUFFY Active Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2004
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    I am retired
    Location:
    Rocklin California (HIgh Sierras)
    Ratings:
    +0
    thanx

    thank you my Brotha tUFFY

    QUOTE=Alkebulan]hi tuffy & welcome 2 destee

    i'm not really qualified 2 critique ur work, but i did want 2 tell u i enjoyed it.

    ur short story has interesting characters & some vivid descriptions. i confess 2 wishing 4 a little more plot development & a bit of lengthening might not hurt either. i wuz getting warmed up w it & then it wuz ova :cry:

    lookin 4ward 2 reading some more of ur short stories. thanks.[/QUOTE]
     
  4. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,904
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Technical Analyst
    Location:
    ATL SHAWTY! Mr. Coli Park
    Ratings:
    +38
    THAT WAS TIGHT WERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL THIS STORY LIKE A BASSA FEEL CRACK WHEN THE STEM IS ON FIRE
     
  5. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,904
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Technical Analyst
    Location:
    ATL SHAWTY! Mr. Coli Park
    Ratings:
    +38
    I also thought the characters developed nicely. The story was straight and too the point. Tight Werk Once mo.
     
  6. tUFFY

    tUFFY Active Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2004
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    I am retired
    Location:
    Rocklin California (HIgh Sierras)
    Ratings:
    +0
    Your compliments were worth waiting for. Thank you for taking the time to read my werk. tUFFY :eek:hmy: :laugh:


     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    tyte story drop u got it going on flow head more of dis
     
Loading...