Black Poetry : BLAM!

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by skuderjaymes, Dec 7, 2009.

  1. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    BLAM!
    He ran for cover behind the car across the street,
    Running from the fate of his father before him,
    From the reality of what he'd done--from what he'd
    become.

    BLAM!
    Shaken to the core,
    Determination, "no more" she says,
    Blood running from her face,
    "hit me for the last time" in her mind,

    BLAM!
    A shot hits the neighbors house,
    Right at the peak of the attic,

    BLAM!
    Children react as if in a dream,
    Not sure of what to make of what they're seeing.

    BLAM! BLAM!
    As shots ricochet off the pavement and hit a nearby car,
    Flattening the left front tire.

    CLICK! CLICK!
    “You son of a b****!”,
    she screams
    rage boiling over
    uncontrollably

    CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!,
    Arm still extended
    With intent to complete
    The murderous act as
    Approaching sirens
    Blare in the background.
     
  2. cocobutterskyn

    cocobutterskyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You truly penned an incredible scene of a heartrending reality for many people.
    The “BLAMs” and “CLICKs” vastly serve to the soul-deep impact of this piece.

    Great presentation! Thanks for sharing it with us.

    feelin’itsouldeep!
    Coco
     
  3. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    Thank you.. that is a real scene.. as best as I can remember. I have
    a feeling that It is one line or thought away from being complete though.. but
    I'm sure it will announce itself to me when the time is right.
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this was a worthy read for me...
     
  5. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    thanks Rich.. I see a lot of dramatic potential in this piece.. I think its a two
    person performance piece.. I just have to figure out how to extend it.. I'm
    going to work on it this weekend.. see what happens.. Thanks again.
     
  6. TotalView

    TotalView Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    James,

    Nice use of audible imagery. You put me there...dodging the bullets...feeling the rage...pulling the trigger. This piece nicely highlights the dangers of the learned behavior of domestic violence. Very vivid. Very believable. Thanks for sharing.
     
  7. Nahshon

    Nahshon Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This left me wanting more...I like how you vividly described the scene of her shooting at him...he hit her and she finally retaliated...I was hoping she actually hit him...I was feeling for her but...I wanted to feel more...
     
  8. Randee

    Randee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Felt the drama and speed and intensity. Felt like I was there watching the trigger pulled. Loved this
     
  9. HODEE

    HODEE going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Brother skuderjaymes
    This is a tight flow,
    This part had me gripped...

    They came to life there, and I was standing on the street witnessing them in awe.
     
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