Black Women : Black Women Raising Black Boys--Alone

[Riada]

I continue to hear that black women must do a better job raising black boys, but this only puts more pressure on black women to harden themselves do something that most are unequipped and unable to do, generally speaking.

There are always exceptions. Also, in SOME cases, a black mother’s efforts to keep her son on the right track will pay off due to her individual makeup AND due to a peculiar set of circumstances that shape up in her particular situation to help her, but generally speaking young males are going to imitate the males in their environment.

This is simply the pattern of human socialization throughout the world. If a black mother is giving her son a set of messages that are contradicted, either in word or by the attitudes and behavior of the males in the environment, upon reaching adolescence, the typical boy—in most cases—will imitate the behavior of those males because MOST boys do not want to be thought less of or ostracized by other males. Boys seek approval primarily from other males. Girls do too, but in different ways. This is because the patriarchial system is the dominant system in the world. Females are still thought by most cultures in the world--including many in this society--to exist primarily to assist males, support them and keep them happy. So, the male ‘stamp of approval’ is very important to a boy because males rule the world, and it is evident why most males don’t want the “effeminate” label attached to them.

Presented with these limited options, some black boys make a decision at an early age to become a loner rather than be destroyed by a negative peer group or the negativity in the environment. This has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I often have to counsel these boys who have made this decision to pull away because many of them suffer from depression and some don't learn the social skills needed to succeed in other areas of life.

The main point I’m trying to make is that as long as so many black boys see so many older black males not achieving, being lesser participants in the home or in social settings, or engaging in destructive, anti-home and counter-societal behaviors, most of the boys are going to emulate those males.

SOLUTION: Unfortunately, too many black single women who are raising children live in predominantly large or urban areas or locales where anti-home and counter-societal attitudes and behaviors are the norm. The absolute one BEST thing that a black single mother can do if she’s determined to prevent her son from becoming a replica of the loser black males in such an environment is to physically move away from that environment because people are mostly a product of their environment. Surround your son with males who ARE doing what males are supposed to do. You may think that you can save him from a negative environment if you stay where you are and do this or that, but I would bet my house that the environment will win in most cases. However, you may not know that you have lost until your son is in his upper teens or grown.

 

[A007]

Partly True

It is more likely than not that a young male will imitate the males in his environment, but that is only as a result of the messeges he recieves. In most cases parents (fathers and mothers) are not proactive in shaping the thought patterns and beliefs of our children. I was a child of a single black mother, in an environment where the males were NOT doing anything positive. The single most profound message my mother gave me was to BE DIFFERENT. She hammered it home at least once a day every day that I can remember until she witnessed me being different. The allure of the drug dealer, gangster, hustler, womanizer, and the "cool" kid in the street was that they had a certain amount of respect because of the money (which I know now was chump change) and the freedom that they seemed to have. The lessons children learn from the T.V. and from the street are that the measure of a man is the clothes he has on, the things he can buy, and the people he can get to like him. My mother emphasized that these are not the TRUE measures of GREAT men. Then she proceeded to have me READ Malcolm X, the souls of black folks, up from slavery and other things that clearly gave different lessons than the ones taught in the street. While all of my friends were trying to be what they saw in the hood, I was working my hardest to be the opposite. Not because I saw great men on a daily basis and wanted to imitate them, but because I had poor examples of GOOD men and knew that both my mother and I wanted more for me.

We become the lessons that we learn, and many times the messages we recieve from the street are NEVER counter-acted by positive messages in the home (at least not as consistent or persistent as the one's outside the house). I was fortunate enough to have a mother that realized this and took an active role in changing my thoughts and behaviors even though she didn't have the means to change my environment.

 

[Khasm13]

i hear what u are saying riada and once again u've nailed down the problem pretty good...where things start to get a little hazy is in ur solution. if most black women with sons had the means to move out of these neighborhoods i believe they would. a prime example of this is the series 'good times'. florida evans tried her best to move them out of the ghetto, and in hollywood where most things are an illusion, unfortunately this fact is not. i agree with the point a007 made in regard to the positive reinforcements his mother gave him on the daily. this is something every black woman can do with their child...it's just not feasible to think that we can just change our enviroment like that...this is a problem that we are going to have to face one day(our dysfunctionality)...head on...

one love
khasm

 

[MenNefer]

I continue to hear that black women must do a better job raising black boys, but this only puts more pressure on black women to harden themselves do something that most are unequipped and unable to do, generally speaking.

There are always exceptions. Also, in SOME cases, a black mother’s efforts to keep her son on the right track will pay off due to her individual makeup AND due to a peculiar set of circumstances that shape up in her particular situation to help her, but generally speaking young males are going to imitate the males in their environment.

This is simply the pattern of human socialization throughout the world. If a black mother is giving her son a set of messages that are contradicted, either in word or by the attitudes and behavior of the males in the environment, upon reaching adolescence, the typical boy—in most cases—will imitate the behavior of those males because MOST boys do not want to be thought less of or ostracized by other males. Boys seek approval primarily from other males. Girls do too, but in different ways. This is because the patriarchial system is the dominant system in the world. Females are still thought by most cultures in the world--including many in this society--to exist primarily to assist males, support them and keep them happy. So, the male ‘stamp of approval’ is very important to a boy because males rule the world, and it is evident why most males don’t want the “effeminate” label attached to them.

Presented with these limited options, some black boys make a decision at an early age to become a loner rather than be destroyed by a negative peer group or the negativity in the environment. This has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I often have to counsel these boys who have made this decision to pull away because many of them suffer from depression and some don't learn the social skills needed to succeed in other areas of life.

The main point I’m trying to make is that as long as so many black boys see so many older black males not achieving, being lesser participants in the home or in social settings, or engaging in destructive, anti-home and counter-societal behaviors, most of the boys are going to emulate those males.

SOLUTION: Unfortunately, too many black single women who are raising children live in predominantly large or urban areas or locales where anti-home and counter-societal attitudes and behaviors are the norm. The absolute one BEST thing that a black single mother can do if she’s determined to prevent her son from becoming a replica of the loser black males in such an environment is to physically move away from that environment because people are mostly a product of their environment. Surround your son with males who ARE doing what males are supposed to do. You may think that you can save him from a negative environment if you stay where you are and do this or that, but I would bet my house that the environment will win in most cases. However, you may not know that you have lost until your son is in his upper teens or grown.

I was thinking along these lines as well regarding oprah's vision for the young girls in South Afrika. It seems lopsided to cultivate the women (although they have been preyed upon agressively) and leave the males to be informal examples within the community for the subsequent male offspring. In regards to your solution, I'm wondering where that hypothetical mom would move to where there is an abundance of Black male role models who are primarily operating as extensions of a communal psyche? Would that mother have the insight to seek a community that would serve as a psuedo "Rites of Passage" for her son or will she succumb to the prefabricated example of success given by the prototypical MALE (white male) and seek out an environment where those values are prevalent?

 

[Riada]

It is more likely than not that a young male will imitate the males in his environment, but that is only as a result of the messeges he recieves. In most cases parents (fathers and mothers) are not proactive in shaping the thought patterns and beliefs of our children. I was a child of a single black mother, in an environment where the males were NOT doing anything positive. The single most profound message my mother gave me was to BE DIFFERENT. She hammered it home at least once a day every day that I can remember until she witnessed me being different. The allure of the drug dealer, gangster, hustler, womanizer, and the "cool" kid in the street was that they had a certain amount of respect because of the money (which I know now was chump change) and the freedom that they seemed to have. The lessons children learn from the T.V. and from the street are that the measure of a man is the clothes he has on, the things he can buy, and the people he can get to like him. My mother emphasized that these are not the TRUE measures of GREAT men. Then she proceeded to have me READ Malcolm X, the souls of black folks, up from slavery and other things that clearly gave different lessons than the ones taught in the street. While all of my friends were trying to be what they saw in the hood, I was working my hardest to be the opposite. Not because I saw great men on a daily basis and wanted to imitate them, but because I had poor examples of GOOD men and knew that both my mother and I wanted more for me.

We become the lessons that we learn, and many times the messages we recieve from the street are NEVER counter-acted by positive messages in the home (at least not as consistent or persistent as the one's outside the house). I was fortunate enough to have a mother that realized this and took an active role in changing my thoughts and behaviors even though she didn't have the means to change my environment.

I'm certainly happy that your mother had this impact on you, but I would consider her an exception, just like Dr. Ben Carson's mother, and the mothers of a few other Black men who "survived" that type of environment and wrote books about the role their mother or a special teacher or the man who owned the corner store played in their survival. There are always exceptions to every rule. Your mother had a different vision than other people in the community. I hear what you're saying about the mothers dishing out that positive message, but if there were a body of people in the community with your mother's vision and her makeup, the community would not have been the type it was in the first place.

I would say that many of the young mothers in the community have never heard of books like those and many would not be interested in reading them if you gave them to them. So you were an "advantaged" child in that community because your mother was an exception.