Black Relationships : Black Women and Relationships

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Israfil, Apr 23, 2007.

  1. Israfil

    Israfil Member MEMBER

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    Let me say this is my first post (and actually first time being on this forum) and I thought since I'm coming out of a relationship with a black woman the subject would be appropriate here to get other impressions from other women. I can think back to several dating experience I have with black women and I can say all of them had ended up negatively. Of course, I'm one who believes in the philosophy in never allowing one (or several experiences) determine the masses of people. But, I'm starting to think that there may be a pattern forming. Just recently I was involved in a one year relationship with a sister and just recently she broke off the relationship due to some "issues." I use quotation marks for issues because it seems that she had some personal issues she needed to deal with (that and school issues) and eventually broke it off with me. It hurted then and still hurts now but what I've come to reflect upon is the resounding opinion that I constantly hear from other black women.

    The usual opinion of black men is negative at least, from where I live which is in California and it seems that a lot of Black women nowadays think brothers are not in their right mind. I've heard so many opinions on brothers from not having money (which is a ridiculous reason since generally speaking, since some sisters who make this comment are broke themselves) to not treating a sister. Because it is a subjevtive issue I cannot help but add myself in the equation because for the last few situations I've involved myself with sisters I've been nothing but a gentleman and intellectual. of course I have much more character traits besides what I've listed but, it seems that my personality is not meshing with the sisters i'm involving myself with. In my last relationship my ex-girlfriend liked the fact that I wear jewelry and nice shirts and pants, obviously from this she is into guys who dress flashy. but because I'm a student I didn't always look or dress the best and it seems that she wasn't the only that thought this way.

    I guess where i'm getting at is I'm very diverse in who i choose to date and for the most part I've dated many Latinas, White, Asian, Hawaiian and others of the rainbow and it seems that from my own experiences I have the most trouble with black women. Not because of strength issues (since not all black women I've encountered were raised in a strong foundation) but because of personality issues. I'm smart, articulate and educated and actually on my way into graduate school for my Ph.D. in Psychology at California University at Berkeley and it seems that I cannot find the sister I need to be that foundation I so long for.

    I've always thought that in the end despite my curiousity with other cultures I want to be with and marry a black woman. I love my culture and I love what black women offer but the problem is, is that not enough sisters like the nice guy or the intellectual guy. Maybe it has something to do with the age group but it seems from my experiences that the black women I've enocountred all care about looks and money. I know looks and money are important to a certain extent but at the expense of my feelings I think women need to be careful in how they judge a good man. So far, I'm 0-10 with relationshiops with Black women. It's not just women but myself. I've continuously re-evaluated myself and how I could maintain my relationships but its not just me from what others say, it is people I choose. But it just brings me back to the phenonmenon of black women and so my question is, is the nice intelligent black man not appealing to you sisters or what?
     
  2. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Welcome,

    Are you placing emphasis on matter over mind?
     
  3. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    um, with all due respect

    if you're so smart and educated then what's the problem?

    i say it's more than that

    if you're weak a sista will challenge that, white and latinas won't so they

    make you feel comfortable

    step up to the plate Dr.

    you need to be on a certain level to even be on a level with a "sista"

    being with a good "sista" can't be harder then gettin' a Ph.D

    can it?

    you can't possibly be a psych major and not understand your women

    or maybe all the schooling and programming has you


    PSYCHED OUT

    peace

    P.S. - i might sound harsh but that's just the love i have for my SISTERS
     
  4. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Hello and Welcome!:hi:

    From my own experience and observing my Brothers choices in women, (not that he had a problem with successful relationship) I've noticed that our selection had a pattern. Although each person had their own unique character, something about our choices was consistant. For me, the men I chose always seem to be possesive, jealous, and protective. For my brother, the women always seem to have this church girl quality with a seductive nature, and a very sharp wit.

    What youll need to do is find your pattern. What commonality you can relate to each attraction, then go for the opposite of that pattern. Alot of times we place blame on others without even realizing the common factors in ourselves.

    If every Black Women you choose to date is unsuccessful, try letting a close relative choose a women whom they think would be perfect for you. The positives are they may be right. The negatives are they may have the same attractions as you. However, it can still be a valueable learning experience.
     
  5. Israfil

    Israfil Member MEMBER

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    This comment is laughable and I cannot possibly get sound advice from someone who makes inconsistent remarks about what they truly don't understand. This sounds more like a rap song rather than advice-No offense. If you plan on giving me advice try being more sensitive to guests rather than trying to be realistic by giving unrealistic comments as a man. Academic education has nothing to do with having a successful relationship as there are many academically successful people who are/were divorced. I'm talking about black women I've experienced

    Purplemoon you're absolutely right in regards to the patterns of people we involve ourselves with. I noticed, for myself the black women I involved with for starters were younger than me (I'm 25 so they ranged between 19-22) and although I don't discriminate with age I know their mentality and mine are quite different. Trust me, this is not an attempt to generalize all black women however, there seems to be a mentality and I'm not sure whether it has something to do with age group, experience, or culture.

    Purplemoon there is a problem with family members (or close relatives) setting up dates in themselves. There is actually this obligation that I've always felt that if a family member set something up for me I am obligated to make this situation work. At least this is how I felt. I seriously think as a culture within my age group at least 19-25 we as both black men and women do not value each other enough. I believe that on an intellectual level we are taught by things other than our family such as society, media and even other cultures. would you agree/disagree?
     
  6. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    don't try and diss man you won't be able to stay with me trust me on that

    :explode:
    and you brought up Academics not me

    and you tried to refer to my sound advice to you as a rap song, no pardon me

    you are the funny one if you want to talk about laughs

    you are the laugh because you have all the education but no idea how to

    relate with the black women that you have experienced

    and your are programmed not educated because anyone that can "SEE"

    can see the message irregardless on how that "message" is delivered

    so what i was saying in essence Mr. fil is that you might want to look at

    YOURSELF before you make comments like that

    MAYBE you're the problem way you can relate to the BLACK WOMEN

    peace

    and i'm not mad at you
     
  7. ShemsiEnTehuti

    ShemsiEnTehuti Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's called Mis-Education of the Negro, as espoused by the Carter G. Woodson. The more "educated" some of our people get, especially in the social sciences only meant to sustain their system, we become more and more detached from the realities of our own people.
     
  8. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    It doesn't neccessarily have to be a family member. It can be anyone who knows you well that you trust.

    Yes, I agree media, society, and european cultures plays a vital part in our values and decisions making. It dictates to us what to eat, how we should think, what is beautiful, what is normal, and so on. Our younger people minds are so impressionable. It has the greatest effect there. This in turns instills alot of the values we carry on into adulthood.

    Some young women think aggression in a man is a form of strength. While this may be true to some extent, they tend to by pass all the other necessary qualities associated with finding the ideal partner. Like some men value physical attraction moreso than internal complements. They will pass by a woman media has labeled as average, to get to that women who looks like shes been on the cover of vogue. So when faced with both of these outlooks, a possibly successful relationship will fail because of the emphasis placed on the wrong values.
     
  9. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    yea


    i did catch that

    didn't you see lol

    THANK YOU FOR HOLDING IT DOWN ShemsiEnTehuti

    i'm not mad at him

    i'm not the one with the problem

    lol

    but i wish him all the best - i don't wish ANYONE ill will

    we have a place for that down the block from me

    there's nothing more beautiful than a real BLACK PRINCESS and/or QUEEN

    peace
     
  10. IfUComeSoftly

    IfUComeSoftly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    taking race out of this...


    i think sister purplemoons hit the nail on the head when she said that there is sometihng in YOU that causes YOU to CHOOSE these women... whether they be inappropriate, conceited, so on and so forth.

    Now I've had my fair share of pendejos; however, i chose those men. I never once blamed black men collectively or as a whole. those were just ignorant dudes. or things that i did or did not do to facilitate such sorry behavior in those men.

    Regardless life is a learning experience. Each man that was not right led me down the path to find my King. Each man that wronged me and that I had wronged taught me how to treat and love my King. Each man was a life lesson that I would relive because they led me to my children and to my King...

    Find what's in you and then you can find what you need and not what you want
     
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