Black Relationships : Black Mothers help a brother out

[PurpleMoons]

To answer your question about her habits before our son was born she was not particularly handy around the house but I think thats because I did much more than I do now. Let me also say this. I'm getting a little older now (28) so I felt like it was really time to kick things into high gear from a financial standpoint so I spend lots of time trying to invest (which is actually where I got the extra money for the house) and do things like continue to build my credit score, ect. I guess the point I'm making is that I'm not keeping score but you just want to feel appreciated by having someone who says you look left and I'll look right, and know I don't have to worry about looking right. Again we are in the midst of a recession and my wife doesn't really "worry about finances".

Let me stop right here and say I appreciate all the feedback on the matter. Furthermore, I forgive my rambling earlier I was pushed for time and a bit excited about the whole thing.

Thanks again

Whew boy! You really got some communicating to do!

I say this because 1) she wasn't into the home keeping thing from start. Plus you took care of all that before, so she didn't worry about it. 2) You're even more dedicated to the financial stability of the family now. This leaves you with very little energy to help around the house like you use to do. 3) She's a new mom on top of everything. She has to learn to manage her time more better to meet all needs of the family as well as her own.

When you decide to open up to her Brother, you may have to temporarily sacrifice some luxury items for some outside home assistance twice a week. Sit down with her, let her know your fears, propose your plan, and ask her for her suggestions too. She has to feel and know how important her participation is. Let her know how comfortable you want the home to be for the family, and you are willing (if you are willing) to sacrifice some things so she can get some temporary help in organizing the home. You both will need to be on the same page with an understanding of each others needs and visions.

If you have a hard time jump starting the discussion, you may want to direct her to this thread, get her input, then let her know the poster is you. I don't know. I know yall can work it out. It may require a lot of patience, understanding, and team work, but yall can do it. No doubt!

Everyone should feel appreciated sometimes. And it's a great incentive when it's coming from your loved ones too.

Ramble on as much as you need to Brother! Sometimes our best ideas form from pure rambling.

 

[Keita Kenyatta]

I am so shocked at some of the answers on this thread. As a brother who has been in your shoes a few times at that, I can tell you for a fact that at the rate things are moving, you are in trouble if the "record isn't set straight right now". I'm saying this because I remember all too well when I was mother, father, cook, house cleaner, economic provider and lover who in my mind and heart did not "really mind my position because I loved the woman and there was nothing I wouldn't do and didn't mind doing to prove it."

Every woman who read your post already knows that "your woman got a good thing" in you...and your woman knows it too...too well. If you continue this by "spoiling her" as you are doing, there's no reason for her to do anything differently...cause you're doing it all. There's no reason for her to try and work with you because you're doing it all. She may not mean to consciously take advantage of you but it is happening and will continue until you change it. If she doesn't have to work she won't until you change it.

Let me give you the best advice that I can and I want you to understand this from my heart. "When a child is born, you and your mate have about 7 years to really get yourself stabilized. Why? Because technically your child doesn't have any real needs outside of the food the clothing and general shelter. After that your child has serious needs and the "I want" needs also, not counting the school needs. So right now the both of you need to buckle down, work your jobs together, get financially stable and set yourself up for the coming future if you're going to have one together.

The flip side to this is that if you don't do this, it will only be a matter of time before you yourself start feeling like you're being used or taken advantage of. You don't want to allow your relationship to get to this stage because then you'll start feeling bitter and feeling as if you made a mistake. The mistake you're making is being made by you right now....straighten it out now before there is no later in your relationship or you start feeling like you're trapped.

 

[Destee]

I am so shocked at some of the answers on this thread. As a brother who has been in your shoes a few times at that, I can tell you for a fact that at the rate things are moving, you are in trouble if the "record isn't set straight right now". I'm saying this because I remember all too well when I was mother, father, cook, house cleaner, economic provider and lover who in my mind and heart did not "really mind my position because I loved the woman and there was nothing I wouldn't do and didn't mind doing to prove it."

Every woman who read your post already knows that "your woman got a good thing" in you...and your woman knows it too...too well. If you continue this by "spoiling her" as you are doing, there's no reason for her to do anything differently...cause you're doing it all. There's no reason for her to try and work with you because you're doing it all. She may not mean to consciously take advantage of you but it is happening and will continue until you change it. If she doesn't have to work she won't until you change it.

Let me give you the best advice that I can and I want you to understand this from my heart. "When a child is born, you and your mate have about 7 years to really get yourself stabilized. Why? Because technically your child doesn't have any real needs outside of the food the clothing and general shelter. After that your child has serious needs and the "I want" needs also, not counting the school needs. So right now the both of you need to buckle down, work your jobs together, get financially stable and set yourself up for the coming future if you're going to have one together.

The flip side to this is that if you don't do this, it will only be a matter of time before you yourself start feeling like you're being used or taken advantage of. You don't want to allow your relationship to get to this stage because then you'll start feeling bitter and feeling as if you made a mistake. The mistake you're making is being made by you right now....straighten it out now before there is no later in your relationship or you start feeling like you're trapped.

To not call it programming or mental conditioning is to say that all the African and white psychologist are wrong. Why would the pope say; "give me your child from birth to 7 years of age and you can have them back?" How could psychologist determine that a child learns more from birth to 7 years of age than they do for the rest of their lives?

In the 2nd quote above, you suggest the first 7 years of a child's life are critical.

Then you go on to suggest, in the first post, that the child has no real needs outside of clothing and shelter during the first 7 years.

Which is it ... or is it both ... ?????

And yeah ... you've made me change my mind ... yep ... he should just go home and beat her ... get her in line quick, fast, and in a hurry! Show her who's running thangz! She sitt'n around doin' nuth'n all day long, cause the baby don't need a thang, he got food and shelter (Father is providing that), aint nuth'n at all for her to do! She could just get on out in them fields and pick some cotton, leave the baby in the house, he'll be alright! Plus, she's obviously the only one with a good thing. He aint got no good thing, shoooo ... Sisters like her come a dime a dozen, he could pick up ten of 'em anywhere. Don't make no sense for that man to put up with a messy house for even one more minute! Put that female in her place! Beat her!

smh



Destee

 

[Keita Kenyatta]

In the 2nd quote above, you suggest the first 7 years of a child's life are critical.

Then you go on to suggest, in the first post, that the child has no real needs outside of clothing and shelter during the first 7 years.

Which is it ... or is it both ... ?????

And yeah ... you've made me change my mind ... yep ... he should just go home and beat her ... get her in line quick, fast, and in a hurry! Show her who's running thangz! She sitt'n around doin' nuth'n all day long, cause the baby don't need a thang, he got food and shelter (Father is providing that), aint nuth'n at all for her to do! She could just get on out in them fields and pick some cotton, leave the baby in the house, he'll be alright! Plus, she's obviously the only one with a good thing. He aint got no good thing, shoooo ... Sisters like her come a dime a dozen, he could pick up ten of 'em anywhere. Don't make no sense for that man to put up with a messy house for even one more minute! Put that female in her place! Beat her!

smh



Destee

Well I guess I won't be touching this one since my words were reinterpreted to say something I did not allude to. Why must his setting the record straight have to be one where he is abusing her? She has a degree just like he has...and yes, he can get any woman to do exactly what she is doing. Also, since I did not allude to him "putting her in her place" that too is a misrepresentation of what I have said. They are a couple...a couple that are supposed to be working together and supporting each other for, with and in each other in all areas. The responsibility and accountability should not be so lopsided where the brother has to even consider reaching out for advice at all. The idea that he is reaching out for advice means that he's feeling some kind of way already about what's going on that he clearly sees for himself. He has a choice. Either allow it to continue or they have to sit down and resolve what it's going to be or not be so as to maintain the love and the balance that obviously is not happening right now.

Oh, and as for the first 7 years? He ain't controlling that as long as there is media, radio, papers, relatives, visitors, etc that do not reflect what we need anyway. I posted that to simply reveal and show the type of support system that we need for ourselves just as they (white people) use to do the programming with.

 

[Destee]

Well I guess I won't be touching this one since my words were reinterpreted to say something I did not allude to. Why must his setting the record straight have to be one where he is abusing her? She has a degree just like he has...and yes, he can get any woman to do exactly what she is doing. Also, since I did not allude to him "putting her in her place" that too is a misrepresentation of what I have said. They are a couple...a couple that are supposed to be working together and supporting each other for, with and in each other in all areas. The responsibility and accountability should not be so lopsided where the brother has to even consider reaching out for advice at all. The idea that he is reaching out for advice means that he's feeling some kind of way already about what's going on that he clearly sees for himself. He has a choice. Either allow it to continue or they have to sit down and resolve what it's going to be or not be so as to maintain the love and the balance that obviously is not happening right now.

Oh, and as for the first 7 years? He ain't controlling that as long as there is media, radio, papers, relatives, visitors, etc that do not reflect what we need anyway. I posted that to simply reveal and show the type of support system that we need for ourselves just as they (white people) use to do the programming with.

I said that i changed my mind ... i never said you said those things.

So ... are the first 7 years important or not? Should parents strive to maintain control of their child's life during that time, or is shelter and clothing all the baby needs?

I guess ... since he aint controlling nuth'n (cause the media, radio, papers, etc., are all very real and present) ... he could just go to work, send his wife to work, and leave the baby on the porch or sump'n ... aint no save'n the baby anyway ... since he aint controll'n nuth'n ... rite?

What should one do in such a situation ... try to control their child's life or give them up to the powers that be?



Destee