Black Relationships : Black Mothers help a brother out

[cherryblossom]

Ok I'm going to need some help from the ladies on this one but first let me paint the picture so that I can get the best answer possible from the mothers out there. As you all know we are in the midst of a recession. However, thanks to God and hard work my family has been relatively untouched by it. I work everyday and come home to my family after work. I am currently working towards a Masters degree, don’t drink smoke love God and in general I am a pretty good guy. My wife is also in school and is a fantastic mother and a real cool lady in general. We take our classes all online as we opted not to go to a local campus because of the fact that my wife is also a stay at home mother. I am also working toward purchasing our first home. I’m constantly making phone calls setting up inspections, calling this person, calling that person and coordinating the entire process in general 95% on my own. My wife doesn’t work and hasn’t for probably 15 months so the financial burden is on me to make this happen as well as every other financial responsibility that comes up ( and this is ok with me for now). So now that you have enough background info let me tell you what the problem is.

I come home everyday tripping over various items in the floor. The kitchen is always messy. No dinner ready and other areas lacking as well that I don’t really care to get into. I love my wife but I don’t know if I’m not pushing her hard enough or pushing her too hard sometimes. I just know that if I was at home all day, and she was out making the home purchase of a nice new home (bamboo floors, stainless steal appliances, 3 bedrooms, full finished basement, extravagant master bathroom, home gym complete with about 10,000 dollars in equipment and rubber floors, not much yard but everything else is NICE!!!) then I would at least like to think that I would have her son taken care of, dinner ready, and a halfway clean house. Am I asking too much!!!!!!! There are no hidden factors like “well maybe he beats her up” or “maybe he doesn’t talk to her right”. She says I’m GREAT!!! But I think to myself we I must not be if this is all that I’m owed for my services. I’m sooooo bogged down. Today was like the last straw (well not really I love my family and I’m not going anywhere but to work everyday to take care of them), I switched phone companies to the service we are going to use at the new house and I’m too embarrassed to even let the guy into the apartment because it’s so junky. Now let me add this because it’s only fair. I’m not like the neatest person lots of times. I might leave my shoes in the wrong place, or finish a cup and forget to put it up or any other number of little junky habits but if I were home I would pick these things up. Anyway I’ll stop here to keep from rambling too much. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

I agree w/the other ladies that you should calmly talk with her telling her how you're feeling and what you're needing.

And, to be fair, you should also help out some by picking up after yourself or the child as possible.

 

[PurpleMoons]

Greetings Brother CreaBlacktively

While i agree with the Sisters here, may i ask, did you two live together before the baby was born and when she was employed? Was she more attentive to house keeping then, or did she just lose interest once she became a stay at home mom?

I ask these things not for an answer, but just something you may want to consider. Also, i want to say, no, you're not asking for too much. But you may want to ask her if she misses working outside the home. And whether it's hard for her adjusting to the new addition to the family.

While children are a joy to experience, it comes with many challenges and changes. We all respond differently to different circumstances, and she could be having a hard time adjusting to the change. Where she once could jump up and go, she now has to make extra preparation before hand. Often times, this takes a toll on new moms. Sometimes it doesn't bother new moms at all. Just keep this in mind and see if its playing a factor in it as well.

You sound like a wonderful conscientious partner. If you can explain your concerns to her, just like you've explained them to us, it may be exactly what yawl need to work it out. Be very delicate and open to her responses. She's in a transition, and can be very sensitive and emotional. Let her know you don't want to start a fight about it, but you do want her to understand how you're feeling as well.

Good Luck Brother! I wish the best for you both!

 

[creaBlacktively]

1. Get a babysitter, go to dinner and tell her exactly what you said here. Or 2. If you can afford it, get her some help. Or 3. Pick the stuff up yourself.

I think you might have missed the part about her not working right now, but I know I was rambling quite a bit more than I normally do. If you missed that part of it then the rest makes no sense.

 

[creaBlacktively]

Greetings Brother CreaBlacktively

While i agree with the Sisters here, may i ask, did you two live together before the baby was born and when she was employed? Was she more attentive to house keeping then, or did she just lose interest once she became a stay at home mom?

I ask these things not for an answer, but just something you may want to consider. Also, i want to say, no, you're not asking for too much. But you may want to ask her if she misses working outside the home. And whether it's hard for her adjusting to the new addition to the family.

While children are a joy to experience, it comes with many challenges and changes. We all respond differently to different circumstances, and she could be having a hard time adjusting to the change. Where she once could jump up and go, she now has to make extra preparation before hand. Often times, this takes a toll on new moms. Sometimes it doesn't bother new moms at all. Just keep this in mind and see if its playing a factor in it as well.

You sound like a wonderful conscientious partner. If you can explain your concerns to her, just like you've explained them to us, it may be exactly what yawl need to work it out. Be very delicate and open to her responses. She's in a transition, and can be very sensitive and emotional. Let her know you don't want to start a fight about it, but you do want her to understand how you're feeling as well.

Good Luck Brother! I wish the best for you both!

To answer your question about her habits before our son was born she was not particularly handy around the house but I think thats because I did much more than I do now. Let me also say this. I'm getting a little older now (28) so I felt like it was really time to kick things into high gear from a financial standpoint so I spend lots of time trying to invest (which is actually where I got the extra money for the house) and do things like continue to build my credit score, ect. I guess the point I'm making is that I'm not keeping score but you just want to feel appreciated by having someone who says you look left and I'll look right, and know I don't have to worry about looking right. Again we are in the midst of a recession and my wife doesn't really "worry about finances".

Let me stop right here and say I appreciate all the feedback on the matter. Furthermore, I forgive my rambling earlier I was pushed for time and a bit excited about the whole thing.

Thanks again

 

[MRS. LADY]

I think you might have missed the part about her not working right now, but I know I was rambling quite a bit more than I normally do. If you missed that part of it then the rest makes no sense.

Hi Brother creaBlacktively,

Many blessings to you and your wonderful family...

Perhaps you could take a different approach... although she is not working at this time.... raising a young baby... and being a full time mother is a full time duty where u never punch out... and grad school...

compliment her as you've done here for being a wonderful mother... and talk to her about what you need...

at the same time please realize that u are very busy providing... maybe she misses you....

i agree with the ladies get a baby sitter... rendevous.... and communicate...

focus more on what she does do.... and be gentle and not critical about what she doesn't...

if it made u feel embarrassed that the house was in disarray and u had visitors coming u should tell her... that is the only way u will find out how she is feeling...