I am tired of it. Generalizing all men or all women into a tiny crudely wrapped box. It's counterproductive in every way when each side attacks the other and points the finger. And yet, people within these debates often lack accountability for their part.
I find that a lot of these debates have one main underlying factor, deep unresolved hurt.
Grown men and women in these hot headed banters decide that there are no good men/women left in the world based on a their few or many experiences dating and/or marriages.
In conversations with my girlfriends and guy friends, I have to remind them that nobody forced them to choose the people they dated or be involved in a long-term relationship with. Maybe you're unconsciously attracted to toxic people. Maybe you lack the ability to see a red flag early in. Maybe you lack self-awareness. Maybe you are the problem. And maybe, just maybe, you are insane because you keep involving yourself with the same "type" of people hoping for a different result.
There ARE good men and women out there that are seeking and wanting to reciprocate loyalty, respect, honor, and give their love to the right person. But they get caught up in the mix of generalization.
No good original post should go without a personal story...So I'll share mine.
On September 5th, my husband and I will share our 10th year anniversary. Prior to meeting him, I dated all kinds of miserable men, but I was pretty miserable myself. And I was raped by a black man in the military. I was "with" a guy who groomed me from age 14 to 24 years old and it was physically, emotionally and mentally toxic - and he even pulled out a gun on me while he had me kidnapped states away from my home and he sexually assaulted me multiple times.
Many of the guys I dated were drug dealers and gangsters. I was attracted to the lifestyle even though I wasn't raised that way. And for years in my younger adulthood up until my mom passed in 2013, was all I ever dated.
Right after my mother passed, I got messaged on a dating site that I was on from a guy. He said I was the most beautiful woman he ever saw. I went to his page and saw this good looking black guy, but he was not my "type". He was clean cut and looked like a square (and in the military). But something inside of me told me to give him a chance - try something different on for size.
On our first date, I was still freshly grieving my mother's recent passing. He opened up and told me of how he had witnessed his own mother passing in a house fire at a young age. At the end of our date, he gave me the biggest most genuine hug that reminded me of how my mom used to hug. Since then, we have been inseparable and now share a beautiful 6 year old daughter. Moreover, he was married to two white women prior to me.
Him and I have gone through so much together. From losing a child, buying a beautiful home, medical scares,both my parents passing and then some...but that man has never left my side not once. But I had to change my "type". I had to recognize I was the problem because I was choosing these people and allowing their energy into MY life. There have been times where I wanted a divorce, but to be single again. Just being selfish and trying to run from a person who has given me more than any guy I ever dated before would ever do for me.
I could blame this that and the third, but in order to make a change, I needed to fix the problem. And blaming anyone wasn't going to fix the problem.
Look at your dating patterns, it can tell you a lot about yourself. There is a theme.
As a community, we have to see that sometimes we can really be our own worst enemy, collectively and personally. Put the division to bed and choose accountability.
