Poetry Critiques : Betrayed

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by ebonygoddess, Feb 17, 2005.

  1. ebonygoddess

    ebonygoddess Active Member MEMBER

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    We did what we did,
    and I hold no regrets,
    It was an exchange of love,
    where our hearts finally met,
    Well, that's what I believed.
    You told me that you love me,
    And you'll stay by my side,
    You whispered words with sincerity,
    As you plunged deep inside,
    And now our seed is growing,
    And I don't know what to do,
    I told you I'm with child,
    and you said it's not for you.
    At first I was confused,
    At shock at what you said,
    You uttered words of betrayel,
    that left my heart dead.
    I tried my hardest not to cry
    Cause I see now,
    your not worth my tears,
    But in my heart I was sobbing,
    As the word echoed through my ears.
    I yelled " I thought we was meant to be,
    and our love is really true".
    He replied " the devil comes to man
    In the shape of a woman
    But i didn't think it'd be you".
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ebony, I like the conciseness inherent in your thought, however, feel that you could express more emotion, thus, making an even stronger case of betrayal. You want the reader to identify rather than sympathize... Yeah, you got what it takes.
     
  3. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    awesome piece ebony...these are the lines that caught me

    At shock at what you said,
    You uttered words of betrayel,
    that left my heart dead.
    I tried my hardest not to cry
    Cause I see now,
    your not worth my tears,
    But in my heart I was sobbing,
    As the word echoed through my ears


    this sincere piece caught me off guard...it's a shame that some catz can't step up and face their responcibilities...heartfelt piece...it's joint's like this...joints from the heart...that are impossible to make changes too...you can't tell someone how they are feeling...

    one love
    khasm
     
  4. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Very heartfelt piece and i enjoyed this read...I cant say change anything for it was poured from the heart and I can only image the hurt in this piece

    Angel
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    the message this send to minds who bare child
    and the betrayal of hearts was well written every line
    cascaded with the next awesome write very talented
     
  6. ebonygoddess

    ebonygoddess Active Member MEMBER

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    :wave: :thanks: Thank you all!!
     
  7. Intrepid

    Intrepid Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Betrayal hurts
    no matter how delivered
    Nice piece
     
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