Black Relationships : Becoming Emotionally Independent

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by intolerant, Oct 9, 2012.

  1. intolerant

    intolerant Active Member MEMBER

    May 18, 2003
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    I'll set the stage for you: I am currently having a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who is 160 miles from me. I come to visit him every 2 weeks and he sends money to make sure I get there. We have an okay relationship.

    Lately I started noticing that I have had almost a constant craving for his attention while we are far apart.I am used to talking to my boyfriend on the phone everyday for hours even, but the one I am with says he is not used to talking to whoever he is with everyday. I'll give an example that shows the problem: If we are talking on the phone together andI he suddenly wants to do something else, I start feeling he is getting tired of me. I feel like this because when we first got together, he talked about all he could think about is me and how he enjoyed it and that he rather talk to me than anything else. Now it's "I can't think about you 24/7", not that i ever thought that he thought of me that much or expect that. Now he makes comments like "what do you want me to do? grovel at your feet?" and "you make all the decisions" when I don't. If we are together physically and he is not physically touching me, I perceive it as him being distant to me and I feel rejected because all I want to do is cuddle in order to feel close to him. And I figured out that I love cuddling so much because it satisfies my need to feel that love, connection and acceptance from him. It's reassuring in my mind... and I need that reassurance because when I feel that rejection I get anxious and doubtful all irrationally, of course. That was just one of the more clearer examples.

    But I do recognize how ridiculous that all is. And the last thing I want to be is this needy girlfriend who constantly needs his attention and reassurance, but it's a lil too late for that I see because he has dropped so any hints that i am. He has a lot on his plate, so I do my best to be supportive and help him whenever I can. I don't want to ask him for stuff.

    Today, after weeks of pondering and looking stuff up on line, I have realized that I am emotionally dependent - meaning that I have an emptiness inside that I expect someone else to fill, because I am not taking responsibility for my own feelings of self-worth. I am attaching my self worth to the love I get from my boyfriend. I am making him responsible for my feelings and needs because I am not able to myself for some reason. Supposedly, my neediness and emotional dependency comes from a deep fear of rejection, stemming from inner abandonment. From what I read, I will not feel loved and safe as long as I am "abandoning myself," and until I start to notice the thoughts that create my feelings of abandonment and develop my "loving inner adult self" who can take responsibility for my own feelings, I will be a bottomless pit.He also is frustrated at me and sayin he is tired of us arguing over the same stuff me having the fears i have simple because it has happend to me so many times, but his patience is wearing thin to where i almost feel like he is losin respect for me that he once had and it makes me feel even more insecure. i really need to stop this cycle but don't want this relationship to be stopped if it isnt too late.

    So now that I recognize my problem and totally understand... I want to fix this so it doesn't get bad enough to screw up my relationship. I would love nothing more than to marry him and have a family someday - and this has the potential to get in the way of that.

    is it too late to turn my emotional dependence around in this relationship? if not, How do I fix this? Are there any books I can read that will help me? any advice is welcome. just please don't be judgemental because it took a lot of guts to come here and say this. thanx
  2. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Dec 13, 2010
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    Texas...for now.
    Oh, I'm probably the wrong one to ask about these things.
    I tend to run 'hot and cold'...and before I became engaged, I was a commitment-phobe. So, this post may be a bit of me feeding into the dysfunction to match my own.


    I don't deal well with men like that.
    I'm really not a 'phone person'. I don't have to be on the phone with a man every single day. I don't hover around a man, but men like that tend to be very 'my way or the highway'.
    For my part, I just don't understand not speaking to a partner for days on end.

    My fiance for the longest wondered why I never seemed as attached as I should've been.
    My fiance's career is his mistress.

    Well - I'd notice that he wasn't forthcoming and so I'd pull protect myself and b/c I don't understand not WANTING to talk to your partner.
    I would call. I put it out there.
    'Call me back when you get a chance.' That's it. He doesn't return it within a decent hour?
    Well...I'm not the sort of woman to give chase. It demeans me.
    I shouldn't have to beg for what I should be automatically rec'ving.
    Much of my frustration centered around the fact that I was the only one doing the compromising, I felt.
    I'm NEVER too busy for him. Ever.
    If he wants to talk? We talk. I cut the burners off. I tell my friend that I'll call her back. I get off the computer. I mute the tv. I talk to him.
    When I want to talk? "We'll discuss it later..."
    He's 'too busy'. He's 'too tired'. He's 'on the phone'.
    He's putting me on hold in the middle of the discussion to 'to take a phone call'.
    Clearly, Sports Center and that Directv sports package can't wait.
    See what I mean? It's a power struggle with him.
    I'll admit that most women are overly-emotional and drama-filled...but I'll also say that a fair amt of men are exceedingly selfish in their interactions with women. A--s holes.
    ...which explains why a woman can wreck her body and be unable to pee straight for weeks because she ripped while birthing her husband's big blow-pop headed a..s child into this world...and he'll have the nerve to look disapprovingly because she's 'fat'.
    I've seen this more times than I care to count.
    I mean, the guy usually doesn't help her or work out with her, but he's always there to dish out criticism. It must kill some people to be so d*mned perfect....:rolleyes:

    I have a friend whose pelvis was shifted out of alignment from the birth of her baby boy. She's an itty-bitty thing and her husband is big/tall.
    Gave me a glimpse into the near future. *laugh* Technically, I'm 5'3.
    My a big/tall.

    But, anyway --

    I connect with people through talking. I like to be friends with my partner and when you have someone that you love and enjoy being want to talk to them. You want to relate to them. Frequently.
    I can't not see or speak to a man for days and...feel close to him.

    Hey...'women are from venus'. *laugh*

    I'll say that you never learn so much about yourself as you do when you're with another. Everyone has issues. It's all about how much you agree to take on from another.
    My fiance is moneyed, goodlooking, hardworking and an all-around 'good guy'. The drawback? He works often. I hardly see him...and he has an addictive personality. He drinks too much.
    It's ok, though. He's self-aware and willing to work on it. So, we'll work though it together.

    No one is perfect.
    No one who has ever been in a relationship walks about without some battle-scars.
    I'm not trying to put things in your head or push anything off on him, but it would help if you had a mate who had it within him to be understanding of these things.

    You'd know yourself better than some stranger on a message board, careful of dx'ing yourself via internet questionaires. This guy comes along and he's got you misdiagnosing yourself with all kinds of disorders....
    Are you even sure that you have 'attachment issues'? Maybe you have problems, but hell...maybe he has problems, too.

    If this is the first guy of his type that you've dated, there's no pattern. I don't see the problem.
    I'd call it natural that you have an issue adjusting to these changes.
    You're accustomed to things being a certain kind of way. You're used to a certain type of man... and you're not getting that.

    You'll keep revisiting the same argument until something changes.
    Seems like you're just mismatched where relationship goals are concerned.

    Meet each other half-way...or end it.
    I have no other advice.
    I simply believe that we've all more important things to concern ourselves with than exert the whole of our energy trying to force a round peg into a square-shaped hole.
  3. Enejoh

    Enejoh Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Aug 24, 2012
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    Our relationships suffer to me in many ways as a result of us not defining it for ourselves.
  4. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Apr 21, 2007
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    You need to get a hobby.
    You need to give him space and respect his space.
    You need to love you.
    You need to give yourself space from him when you feel you need it.
    I've been in long-distance relationships...they are very hard to have and to maintain...Both parties require an abundance of patience and communication I don't mean talking every day, throughout the day...I mean you have to listen and understand both needs.
    Even if he was close to you you have to understand men require space...they need time for themselves to feel like men...and you can make a man feel smothered from a distance.
    If he's with you, then he's with you...the relationship doesn't require you to talk every day...If you talk every day you run out of things to talk about and this can quickly kill a relationship...and you won't have time to miss one another.
    I know how you me..I felt that way when I was in an LDR...and even non-LDRs
    You can read all the books in the world on how to maintain this relationship...but the best advice that I feel anyone can give is to first know how to love yourself...Because if you don't you depend on the other person to show give you all of the love and that is selfish and damaging to any relationship.
    Good luck.
  5. Enejoh

    Enejoh Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Aug 24, 2012
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    Its never easy falling in and out of love.....Tasted it and really wont want to put myself in a situation where sweet nothings are exchanged for really nothing but heart breaks.
    Self love and respect first. Lets define or re-define Black relationship.