Black Relationships : Bad Circumstances for good people.

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by ru2religious, Jun 22, 2013.

  1. ru2religious

    ru2religious Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Okay I usually don't put my business out there because I'm really private but I do have a question for the brothas and the sistas if they choose to get involved.

    Am a devil or an angel?

    So I started talking to this sista a minute ago - we were vibing at first but then all of the sudden I lost interest and I can't see her the way that I saw her at first. Now with this being said, in my opinion she's not the best looking sista, but she's kind and doesn't go out of her way to cause funk with anyone. To sum her up she's extremely quite but more importantly she simply kind.

    Now I'm a black power brotha, sista sista sista I'm about my sista, yet I'm ready to move on but at the same time I feel horribly bad if I do. The problem is I have the hardest time leaving her because of her kindness - yet I'm not vibing with her which makes it a bad situation for me. Its like I have to sacrifice my happiness to maintain hers. Let me get to the point and I hope this doesn't sound arrogant - I'm just explaining my situation.

    So when I got with her I was making 5 figures and now I'm in the 6 figures yearly and hope to be making 7 within the next few years. She was with me during the struggle and the transition - mind you she's as kind as she wants to be. During this process - she started out as this ambitious woman who had goals but now she spends spends and spend. She doesn't have my children, she doesn't want to have children, her son is the same age as my oldest - which I can understand but - I like to know that having kids can still be an option.

    She settled in her job. She was going to school to finish her law degree but then it came to an immediate holt. Now she's abandon that vision and she sits and spend my money. I mean I gave her a CC .. thinking that she would be modest but that flew out the window months ago. So now I'm checking my accounts 3 to 4 times a day to make sure she's not blowing me up.

    I mean - I don't want to leave her for some white women or any other color woman outside of my race - I'm black and my woman will DEFINITELY BE THE SAME IF NOT DARKER THEN ME!!! AND I'M BLACK! The thing is - I'm worried about hearing the:

    1.) I was there when you were getting it going and now your going to leave?
    2.)Why don't you love me anymore - which love is a hella of a word.
    3 and most importantly) What did I do to you that you would want to leave me?

    That's a hard shot because her kindness is gold yet I'm just not vibing like that - so I'm asking am I the Devil or an Angel if I leave this woman. I know I should know especially with all of the conversations I've gotten into over the years but when your in it your in it and because I'm so faithful which is something I picked up from being married for 14 years - I'm seriously stuck.
     
  2. ru2religious

    ru2religious Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    P.S. - Feel crazy for even creating this thread - but I've been going through this for some weeks now and I have not come up with a solution so I figured why not ask the Destee family.
     
  3. MS234

    MS234 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If you feel like this it will never be right or feel right IMO

    You have to do what you have to do. It doesn't make sense to stay and be "unhappy". Maybe you can be GREAT friends, and maybe take a look a relationship at a later time.

    You're an angel. A devil wouldn't care.

    Talk it out they where you talked it out here. Both parties know if it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, let's part as real friendly friends.
     
  4. ru2religious

    ru2religious Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I kind of know how she's going to take it being that I've been with her for a minute - and man - I don't like breaking hearts because ultimately that's what I'm going to do. The part that gets me as well - is the thought of her even saying that I was with you when you wasn't doing what your doing now - which is what that 90's movie was about when she burnt up dudes car. Difference is he got with a white woman which is nothing I have in mind or will ever be coo with - but at the same token - it almost feels the same.
     
  5. MS234

    MS234 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Communication is key here with a level of understanding. I think you're half way there. Nothing lasts forever. If you're not satisfied with the way things are, why do you have to hang on, when it's killing you inside?

    Relationships revolve around 3 things IMO

    Communication, sex and expectation. Hopefully she realizes that.
     
  6. spiritual eyes46

    spiritual eyes46 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'M just going to put it out there how can you keep it real if you're not being real with yourself, in a relationship things happen sometimes for the better sometimes not the longer you prolong how you really feel the more resentment will be felt on both parts,you must look out for your happiness and yes she is not going to be happy but this is how people get hurt by being mislead to thinking it's more of a relationsip than what it really is, I'M a woman and i'd rather you tell me things are not working and you no longer feel the same then to make me believe otherwise and futher more we both can move on maybe not keep in contact but I would respect you more for being honest after my anger of course and thinking in the long run it was best for both of us,not knowing how you really feel will make one bitter and hateful you both need to communicate and that's the bottom line thank goodness no children were born of this union that would have been worse 18 yrs and a child caught in the middle......
     
  7. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Dogs are faithful.
    *shrug*

    'Loyalty' don't mean a hill of beans if you lack 'commitment'.
    If you're in it, then BE 'in it'. Be present AND engaged.
    - Does she understand how you feel about her spending?
    - Does she understand how directionless she’s become (I suppose) in your eyes?
    - Does she know that you want children?
    - Does she know how you feel about her?

    If you don't want to talk it out or work it out, then you're just spinning your wheels.
    If you've tried to discuss things with her and she's not willing to change her behavior, maybe you should move on.

    *shrug*

    You wanna end it?
    End it. *shrug* You don't even want her.

    ******************

    We have money that we save and money that we invest and money that we play with.
    ‘Credit card money’ is not for recreational use.

    I have a credit card linked to my mate’s account as well. Here’s the difference:
    1. I’m a W I F E.
    2. I have a job? Might work half-a..sed but -- I’m a recovering workaholic (cut me some slack)! – I’ve still got a job. *laugh*
    3. My husband didn’t 'upgrade' me. I had a career, a degree, a title and assets before he met me. I don't need his 'money'.

    ... and here you are establishing a tab on your credit line for your girlfriend?
    No, ‘bew-bew’. *laugh*
    You don’t give a woman that kind of access unless she has ‘Life Partner’ status.

    I make jokes about my husband and what I’ll do with his money but...*laugh* I don’t bother his money. I don’t charge his card for anything beyond gas.
    Hell, I don’t even use my credit cards .... *smirk*
    Even if I used my linked card, I surely wouldn’t be plunging it in the red every month.
    That right there - would get me kicked clean out the bedroom. *laugh*
    Anyway, I don't care if you're running around here with a 'black' card, OP.
    You should never use more than 10-15% of your available credit at a time.
    ... and you’re checking your statement every THREE months?
    No.
    You need to pull up your FICO and take that card away from her.

    *******************

    If you weren’t physically attracted to her from the beginning -- how the hell’d you two end up in a relationship? *laugh*

    Might make sense to others but ... I confess: I’m shallow (and fairly materialistic). *laugh*

    It’s an attitude borne of 'practicality'. I’m a realist. A humanist. I see human nature for what it is. I adapt to the world. Some things just...are. So, you’d never hear me, for instance, wondering about whether looks or status or money mattered to people.
    ... because when you have a personal relationship with reality? You understand that some questions are stupid ones to ask.

    Anyway --
    while it’s possible to care – and, yes, ‘love’ -- someone that you’ve (basically) settled for your connection will always be less than it could’ve been had you paired off with a more suitable mate. Your other half. Your TRUE match.
    Your eyes will always be peeled for ‘the better deal’ whether you act on impulse or not.
    *shrug*
    Concerning my dating criteria, I never settled on hardcore ‘wants’ when I was single.
    ... no matter how ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ they were.
    ... no matter the reason.
    Either someone’s your type or they aren’t. Either you want them or you don’t. Either you're committed to what you have or you aren't.
    Married or single? It's just a different set of circumstances...and if you choose poorly (like MOST people) 'togetherness' can be so overrated.
    *shrug*
     
  8. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Who cares? You aren't married to her...not in a committed relationship...you're just "talking" (your words not mine)...you owe her nothing except the reason why you're moving on...If you're not into her move on...she'll get over it.

    You aren't the devil...you're a human-being. GEEZ.
     
  9. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    And you should feel crazy.
     
  10. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Get over yourself...ain't nobody got time to burn folks cars up.
     
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