Black Short Stories : Babe Crotch-(fun on the beach with the Babe Crotch team)

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by raymondobe, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. raymondobe

    raymondobe Member MEMBER

    Jul 30, 2009
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    Episode 1

    Exterior. Sandy beach somewhere in California. Tuesday 7.30 or there abouts:

    Fitch Bullanan, hunky, thirty to forty-year old blonde lifeguard, wearing tight red shorts and a red lifeguards jacket, hugs twenty-something bleach blonde babe with scarily large breasts. She will play a character known as: Most Beautiful White-Women In The World.
    Most Beautiful White Women In The World is wearing a red swim suite and gazing longingly into an awesome sunset. A background audio of Fleet Wood Mac, playing, ‘Welcome Home California’. Shot of couple embracing, getting randy and preparing to kiss. Close up of Fitch fondling bleach blonde’s cellulite-free arse. Close up of MBWWW stroking Fitches hairy chest and cupping his balls.

    Moby, a skinny, creepy adolescent kid with spots and long hair, wearing lurid Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, sprints down the beach towards the couple.

    Hey kid, what’s wrong? Who’s drowning?

    Moby (Ignoring Fitch, and cutting to the chase)
    Hi guys, guess what I just found lying on the beach?
    Waving little black notebook.

    Gee, I don’t believe it.

    Fitch looks on, close to tears.

    Back Story:

    The notebook in Moby’s hand is the very same notebook that Fitch kept during his three years of tour overseas in Nam. It is the very same notebook, he lost/mislaid/threw away, during the evacuation of Kehsan. During that hectic air strike of ‘68, when Fitch single-handedly kept the enemy at bay for six hours, saved the lives of two grunts by carrying one on each of his shoulders; and administered mouth to mouth to a Vietnamese child moments before the Huey chopper arrived; which ‘of course’ he flew home, because the pilot who was by now addicted to Sherm was too stoned to navigate the craft. But by a stroke of luck, (an amazing coincidence)...Moby has discovered the notebook washed up on Babe Crotch Beach, wrapped in polythene and perfectly preserved.
    Ext. Babe Crotch Beach. Tuesday 7.32pm, in the evening.

    Def electric guitar solo. Wheeeeeeeeeowne. Played by Merrick Hapton who will later appear on in the show dressed as a New-Age hippy down on his luck, who sits under the board-walk playing ‘Layla’ for dimes. After a chance meeting with Fitch he will confess that twenty-some years ago, he dreamed of becoming a rock star, but fell pray to Crystal Meth. Encouraged by Fitch he will perform a free concert on the beach, (which will start innocently as an impromptu busking session and somehow magically transform into a concert with an audience of 5,000 spectators). Bob Gandoff and David Lowie will play extras, standing in the crowd, wearing dorky T- shirts and Bermuda shorts, alla Jules and Vincent, Pulp Fiction.

    Merrick will be confronted by a passing A and R man vacationing with his third wife, played by the lovely Jacqueline Fissett, and become the most well known blues guitarist since Rohn Lee Booker stared in a Budweiser commercial and Buddy Matlers was used by Levis Jean. All this is down to Fitch, who will graciously accept an invitation to sing his version of ‘Under The Boardwalk’, just before Merrick Hapton leaves for the bright lights.

    An alternative plot line is also being considered using famous guitarist, Rohn Lee Booker. Rohn Lee Booker will dressed in a large beige rain mac(possibly Prada) and play an alcoholic down-and-out on the brink of suicide, who is given a bed for the night by Fitch. Rohn Lee Booker will later become seriously distressed, when his shopping cart is stolen by an unscrupulous gang (wearing designer street wear courtesy of Timmy Hillfinger) responding to a rumour that Rohn Lee has in his position, quote unquote: ‘the greatest possession any man can have’. The thieves will ransack Rohn Lee’s possessions convinced that they are looking for a briefcase, alla Pulp Fiction, a key to a locker containing thousands of dollars, alla Get Shorty, or a trunk of gold, diamonds and pearl necklaces, alla Ali Baba and the Forty thieves.

    Fitch will later recover the shopping cart, only to find an electric guitar beneath a mountain of trash, (which the Babe Crotch thieves, will have (a) overlooked (b). not understood that it has monetary value (c) guiltily decided to return). It will turn out to be the guitar that Rohn Lee Booker has not played for twenty-five years. Not since being cheated out of a publishing deal by an unscrupulous music business executive, who used his lyrics and music to further the career of a blonde blue eyed ex-marine who could not play blues, but was loved by his generation anyway.

    It will later transpire that the music executive was not unscrupulous after all; but was merely doing what comes natural. The model will be used as to structure future musical talent contests.

    In return for taking him in, Rohn Lee Booker will play his guitar. Fitch will called up an old buddy A and R man, (Who’s life he saved in Nam) and unbeknownst to Rohn Lee, will ask the A and R man to listen to his extraordinary performance over the phone. The next day Rohn Lee Booker will be signed by a major record label and in the final scene, just before he is due to leave for New York, Fitch will sit around the camp fire, with his collar turned up alla Elvis Presley and provide vocal accompaniment to the maestro’s guitar; singing his own catchy version of ‘Manish boy’. In Fitches epilogue speech, it will transpire that ‘the greatest possessions any man can have’ is his talent. In this case RLB’s talent.

    Fitches fiancé looking confused.

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    What’s that?
    (Fitch looking coy)
    I don’t believe it.
    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Isn’t that a journal?

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World stating the obvious for any retards watching the show. Since the producers believe that only retards watch the show, or that they out number the smart people, ten to one, this statement is far less obvious than it at first appears. The numbers of retards watching the shows are thought to be only out numbered by the number of perverts.

    It’s the journal I kept during my Nam days. (Fitch trying to stuff said journal down his shorts.)

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Fitch what are you doing?

    Fitch shrugging his shoulders; attempting to look innocent and ignore the obvious bulge, in the front of his shorts.

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Fitch do you love me?

    What kind of questions that?

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Well do you?

    Audio intro of ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’, by Percy Sledge. Fitch reaches out to hold Most Beautiful White Women In The World’s hand.

    Off course I do.

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Then hand it over.

    Fitch fishing the black book out of his shorts. Fitches POV of the Most beautiful white women in the world reading his little black book accompanied by Fitch doing atmospheric voice over:

    Fitch (voice over)
    May 5th. Zonked out on Owlsley acid. Gooks surround the parameter. Everyone retreats to their foxholes, leaving yours truly to fight the whole f**king war alone.

    Flashback of Fitch: raising his rifle, and shooting off a deafening volley of firepower. Fitch taking off his helmet, and pushing four fingers through his hair. Fitch will replace his helmet and resume firing in the direction of the enemy at will. At no point will we be able to see the actual enemy. In the background we will hear a hellish rendition of ‘All Along The Watch Tower.’ played by either Merrick Hapton or Rohn Lee Booker depending on which plot version the producers decide to green light. Also Teddy Von Hulin a rock artist in his own right, will play Walker, a folk singer who has been conscripted, but who is not required to fight. Instead the captain (played by Robert Duvall look-alike, Al Perky, mimic and iconic movie moment by insisting he play his electric guitar in the centre of the battle field whilst performing River Dance and using a carefully compile play-list, which will include such all time favourites as ‘Stair Way To Heaven’, ‘Free Bird’ and Hendrix’s, Voodoo Child. (The captain being an old rocker himself). In this case ‘rocker’ having the dual meaning of: a lover of a particular music genre and…a total lunatic.

    At one point during battle, Walker who is concerned about getting his head blown off during his guitar solo will argue, that firstly some of the songs he is being asked to play were not actually written until after the war (Sultans of Swing by Dire Straits featuring no 5 on the play list) and secondly getting a guy to River Dance and play electric guitar anthems during a bloody battle is almost as insane as being there in the first place. The captain will tell him in no uncertain terms that he either plays guitar or picks up a rifle and fights. Charlie don’t play axe, he will say, alla Apocalypse Now. Teddy Von Hulin will scramble into a foxhole, but only after dropping his guitar in order to pick up a MI6 Assault rifle, since in his mind its better to be a live solider than a dead rocker.
    Fitch voice over accompanied by horrendous Vietnam footage. Claymores exploding. Flame throwers. Someone shouting: ‘Fire in the whole,’ and tossing a grenade at an unsuspecting group of NVA soldiers. More NVA soldiers arriving, who will keep getting shot. (reminiscent of old westerns where the Indians get shot, die, jump back on their horses only to get plugged again). A man with his head blow off. An America soldier with half his body missing. Lots of dead bodies, mostly Vietnamese. Horror, fear and madness in the eyes of all the American Soldiers. Silhouettes of the faceless enemy.

    Voice Over
    The LT later described my reckless abandon and stylish use of M16 as being reminiscent of a Doors concert he once saw at Madison Square Garden. It was truly a sight. The whole sky lit up with different coloured flares and the enemy fled in sheer terror.

    Silhouettes of the faceless enemy fleeing back into the Jungle. Fitch leaping from his foxhole yelling: ‘Ho Chi Minh sucks dead dick ...alla, Charlie sheen, Platoon.
    Voice Over.
    Errol an army-photographer claims to have got some fairly dramatic pictures. This is a crazy ******* war and the best place to hang your hide out. Last night we hit the local bars and celebrated. It was awesome. Every one kept buying me women and beers. Gunny says I am a hero and will surely be in the movies when I rotate back to the world...Aaaarrrgh. Fitch.

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World gob-smacked. Standing with her month opened wide, displaying 32 sparkling capped-white teeth.
    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Oh my god Fitch. I had no idea you were so brave. And you took LSD. But my god, what about and all those innocent Vietnamese people you killed?

    Hey, you have to see it in context. You don’t sit down and play gin rummy during a firefight. It was a tough war. My platoon and me did what we had to do. And I hope you love me enough to put all that behind us. Now while were at it, how about you? And don’t spare me any of the gory details. I’m a grown man and I can take it.

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    OK, I guess you’re right. If our relationship is to go survive we have to be honest to one-an-other. I worked with children in Africa. I worked in Japan as a teacher. I prayed with the monks in Tibet and lived with the Aborigines in Australia. Then off course there’s the year I spent working in a *****-bar in San Francisco.

    You’re kidding. San Francisco. I once saved ten people from a collapsing building in San Francisco. You see there was this earthquake...

    Most beautiful white women in the world
    So you don’t mind that I was once an exotic dancer?

    You mean you, expose yourself to the general public?

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Yes, but it was very artistic. I don’t consider there’s anything wrong with being a dancer, and at least I will have something to tell our grandchildren.

    What pole aerobics and shaking your fanny for cash?

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    It wasn’t like that Fitch. It was just dancing pure and simple. If you men spent more time in *****-bars you wouldn’t go round shooting at each other. Not to mention the money I would have made.

    You actually mean it was business? (looking confused)

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    Off course it was. You think I’d expose myself in a bar full of cheap drunken middle-aged men for the sake of my health?

    I guess you’ve got a point there. Though I think we can spare our grandchildren the gory details.

    Most Beautiful White Women In The World
    What about the war? Wasn’t that gory?

    Yes. But every one knows that war is hell. Though I guess the phrase has a little more resonance when you’re knee deep in **** on the battlefield. Anyway, let’s just say that I respect your honesty and hope that we can now go on and live ours lives as responsible adults and enjoy a long and fruitful loving marriage.

    Can I be best man?

    Sure. But promise me you won’t wear that Hawaiian shirt?

    It’s a deal.

    Fitch laughs. Moby laughs. Most Beautiful White Women In The World laughs.

    Later that night. Interior shot of Most Beautiful White Women In The World’s
    apartment. Clothes strewn about the place. The bed unmade. Lip stick and toiletries on ledge in bathroom. Tape recorder playing. No sign of the Most Beautiful White Women In The World

    Caption reads. To be continued…
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    United States
    Mar 21, 2001
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    BUSINESS owner
    Nice ................