Poetry Critiques : Are You....(copy)

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by MzBlkAngel, Feb 9, 2005.

  1. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Are you that man?
    The one…are you
    The one that was sent from above
    One who wishes to share his love?
    ….with me
    Are you the one?
    Who will be my infinity?
    My light my gift from above
    Are you the man?
    That will wipe my tears
    And hold my fears?
    Rain or shine
    Are you the one?
    That will cherish me?
    Handle with tender care?
    Let me be a woman?
    Won’t stop me from growing?
    Are you the one?
    Am I want you looking for or
    …..Just time to spend?
    I may not be what you think you need
    See, I got needs I have desires
    I have dreams to reach
    Will you take that search
    ……….With me?
    Deal with my emotions?
    Complete me in my soul form?
    Hold me close at night?
    And during the day?
    Are you the one?
    Carry me when I can’t carry myself?
    Find me when I am lost?
    And love me for me?
    Are you the one?
    Will you say
    …………. I do?
    and hold that bond?

    See for me, I don’t want a chapter
    I want a book…
    Pages of us written
    Shaped from our love
    And copy written no duplications
    That one of a kind love thang
    A love that came out the blue
    Are you the one?

    (C) 2005
    untitled life
    new vision
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    mba...this was a lovely pondering piece right here...you set the mood of the piece with the first couple of lines....

    Are you that man?
    The one…are you
    The one that was sent from above
    One who wishes to share his love?


    and this main thought is carried out through the entire poem...the vibe was really felt because i believe we all have questions about a new person that steps into our lives...are they just a walk in the park or a partner for life...the only thing that i would change is the title...i would have it be entitled are you the one...it makes more sense to me...wonderful write sis...

    one love
    khasm
     
  3. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Outside of punctuation, I would change not a single word of this romatic slice of heaven.
     
  4. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Nice poem, unique..few grammar errors though.. but those were already pointed out. I don't really think there is much other to prove upon.
     
  5. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Khasm and 1Poet for the read and love glad you enjoyed it...1poet it was a fast thought...Khasm yeah i think your title is better then mine thanks :)



    Peace yall
    Angel
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    i really like how u did this
    and i must say the depth of it
    kicked right off ...nice work !
     
  7. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is actually really good sister... Of course I have been in hiatus lol life does that :read:

    There was something that did stick out to me though... the italicized portions, what are they meant to illustrate? Every piece has its own rhythm and this one takes its pauses @ your italicized parts but...

    This one italicized part kinda skips the rhythm just a little... because all your other italicized parts are small and read like pauses in between these flow of questions but other than that I echo brotha 1poet & khasm's sentiments aside from punctuation and a title change to better accentuate the poems voice... I say leave it be :)
     
  8. dymondtanae

    dymondtanae Member MEMBER

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    this peace flowed together and if aint the one ship i know he'll wish he was after reading this.