Black Women : Are We Responsible

Hi NNQueen -

Faith, courage & discipline are sometimes very hard for me to practice consistently. I know that it would have been very easy for me to accept behaviors from men (and platonic friends) I knew were not good for me because I want to be loved, liked, etc. But these people would have strained my spirit with their toxic behaviors.

Do I get involve with a man because I know he will pay my bills even though he has shown me his mean side? Do I accept broken dates time after time, and accept that 'at least he showed up'? Do I continue in a relationship with a blatant womanizer to show my family that 'I have a man'? Am I going to be with someone to keep my family from asking 'does she like men'? I had to struggle with pressures from family and friends.

I am one of those sistahs that love hard. And I too spoil. I spend time during the day thinking...'now what can I do to make him smile today'. And because I love to cook, I'm thinking 'now what can I fix him good to eat.'

So when I am loving, I give the best of me. For me, a certain type of man will either make it easy for me or difficult. And I don't want it to be a chore nor someone I have to put up with.

My sister once said that, 'you're so hard on the men. You expect so much'. But God expects the best of me, I expect a lot from myself and so, I have to expect a lot from any man who expresses interest in sharing my life.

Some realized that I wasn't playing nor stuttering & moved on. Others tried to 'bring me down a peg or two' to show me. Still others tried to 'handle me'. While others just said that 'I don't have to work that hard for 'no woman'. Did I modify my values? No. Did it hurt? My feelings were very much hurt. But I was never afraid.

Why be afraid? Yes, a man may leave. So what? You'll still have you, and a better/stronger/healthier you. Even if you have to continue this life's journey without a 'him' in your life, the trip will still be good because you are equipped to do good for yourself and others. But if 'he' shows up, doesn't leave, and gives you his best, then you will have your best to give right back and not junk left over from what someone else you allowed to dump on your spirit.

So we are responsible for what we allow to be placed on our spirit. Will people generate energy to allow and help you to become a better you, or take so much energy as to leave you depleted?


Much Luv To Ya
 
I mentioned the word 'spoil' because a man told me once that he was spoiled. I tried to get him to be specific and tell me what the woman (women) did to spoil him, but no success. He was complaining about me and making a comparison.

I first got upset with him assuming that I would do what those other women did or were still doing (for all I knew), and for not paying attention to anything I said. But my attention left him and I began to think/focus on what these sistahs (who he referred to) were doing. Whatever if is/was, to him, they spoiled/are spoiling him.

When I specifically and clearly say what I am looking for, etc., and to assume that I was a potential 'booty call' kind of upset me a bit. I wasn't taken seriously, maybe thought that I would change my mind, maybe thought that he could pretend long enough to 'get some', etc. I realize, however, later that this is how he operates. But if you've already established your ground rules, it doesn't matter how anyone approaches you, what their MO is, or what their agenda is.

Then we can say what we mean (with clarity & firmness) and mean what we say. Even when somelse will do what you won't.

If we both want the same thing, no problem. But when I am not getting my needs met after we have discussed our life's goals, intentions, etc. I have a problem and have no desire, motivation to think of ways to keep a smile on his face or to fix him delicious and healthy food to eat.

To stand in a long line at the farmers market to buy fresh vegetables & fruit, and stand over a stove to fix him a good meal because it's something I can do to show my love, and tolerate unacceptable behavior would be spoiling him. My spirit would be bleeding, but he'll be happy.
 
Great message Anana!!!

Every person who visits this forum should read your messages here my sister!! Every man and every woman. You expressed some deep insight into what is really important in a relationship between a man and a woman. You painted a picture of how beautiful love can be between two people who care about and respect each other. What a blessing such a union would be if we would just hold out and wait for 'him/her' to arrive at the right place and in the right time. You could definitely teach a lesson to us all. Some of us might know what you speak of from personal experience; some of us may be hopeful that this kind of love is possible to have, but so few, including myself, have put it so eloquently. I could relate to everything you wrote. It made me pause several times to reflect on its meaning and each time I had to smile. Your message is filled with hope and not gloom and doom. It's a message about REAL love and not the kind where people just go through the motions. Wow, I don't mean to go on and on about this, but you really touched me. Thanks for the powerful message...:heart:



If it is to be, then it's up to me!
 
Anana, I agree with NNQueen, your message is straight to the point. I enjoyed reading this thread and I'm loving the way the sisters are expressing themselves.

What I find interesting is the way we have turned something good into something that is now frowned upon. "Spoiling" was once something that everyone (men and women) tried to do to their mates and it was good because it was received in the spirit that it was given. "Spoiling" is nothing more than loving someone. The difference now is how it is being received. "Spoiling" today has a stigma attached to it now. We no longer see it as love and receive it in the spirit that it is given, we now take advantage of that affection and characterize it as a sign of weakness. If someone is good to us today... we get suspicious! They're up to something. We have changed the perception of a "good" man or woman to a person that is boring. We have changed the perception of a person that is dependable to a person that is too predictable.

Someone will always be "spoiled" in a relationship. A good relationship is one where BOTH parties are "spoiled". The term "spoiled" in this sense means "loved"

I enjoyed the dialogue.
 
Hi Friends -

First I want to thank you all for letting me talk. I just lost my mother and she & my father were married for 55 years. 55 years!! Wow, I find myself saying. I've been thinking what it could possibly be like to be married to someone for so long, what it takes, how to keep it. I was there in the house, was it something 'special' they did.

Now -

My mother was one to crave attention. She had to have it, and my father gave it to her. So, I guess he spoiled her. She was a wonderful cook and put together a meal in no time flat. Even when we had the wooden stove. At the dinner table, well we had to have a picnic bench in the kitchen for all their 13 'chilren', he would go on & on about how good the food was. I was maybe 12/13 and during one of my moods, I would sit there thinking 'would he just shut up already, we know the food is good'. Yes I thought it, would never say it aloud because I wanted to keep my teeth. But each time we had macaroni & cheese he would say 'this is the best I've ever tasted'. I would think 'you said last week was the best you had'. But he knew she soaked it up and so gave her what he knew soothed her.

And -

My father was a good provider to her. He farmed and we had good food all the time. People would come from the neighborhood for corn, peas, tomatoes, etc. My mother would get on the phone telling people, 'yes, this may be his best crop of corn, or he brought me a 'mess' of peas to cook and they turned out to be real good'. Each spring she would say the same thing. She gave the praise right back to him.

Now I know for sure. It was something special they did.

Thanks, NNQueen for your insight. Like you say, 'if it is to be, then, it's up to me'. Can I tell my girls that? I'll make it our theme. It has been my attempt to encourage, and I am pleased to see that it has been received as such. And not tryin to lay blame on anybody. We are in this together and some are stronger than others.

And yes, Kemetstry. That's enough. And if I may take a bold step and make the following announcement on behalf of the sistahs: 'that's what we want'. (Now, sistahs don't get mad at me for 'speaking for you').

For, Kemetstry, when you recognize that all the things she does to cater to your needs, making you feel like a king, is because she cares so much for you and to inspire you to do and be a better man. And if you recognize that, you will love her for it, appreciate and be thankful for her and she will get the best of you. And so, your actions will/should mirror those feelings toward her. That's sweet. You will warm her spirit and she will try to think of more things to make you feel more kingly. And you will try to do more to show her how you feel. And...wow... I just can't imagine what may happen between the two of you! That's sweet. Yep, that's alright.

To grab on to what ZeroGravity said- not reciprocating, though and taking the 'special treatment' given as a green light to act any ole kind of way, would make for a strained & unhappy relationship.

Both my mother & father were spoiled, I guess. They spoiled each other, as they both got what they needed. Plus 13 children hahahahaha.

Thanks for indulging me in my reflection on the relationship my father & mother shared. Y'all been sweet.

Yep, when I was younger, I would say that I would never do certain things like my mother did.

But...I've been told that I want a replica of my father (the kind of man she had). And I too crave attention and find myself asking, 'how's your steak?' You know...like...fishing for compliments.

Bye
 

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