Are people in IRs welcome here?

Discussion in 'Violators and Violations (Possible Ones)' started by Mayn, May 2, 2006.

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  1. Mayn

    Mayn Banned MEMBER

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    Dear Sister Destee,

    I'm interracially married (my husband is white). In view of your response to a recent poster who posted on the topic of interracial relationships in which you pointed out that IRs are not promoted here, I would like to know whether people like me are welcome here? If so, how you would suggest I handle my IR situation here because it's bound to come up. I would not want anyone to think I'm promoting anything, but neither is my relationship a secret. If not, I will promptly leave.

    I do understand the sentiments of many posters to the site about IRs. I understand how they feel because for many years, I felt the same way. I have since come to realize that my marriage is neither a sin, shame, nor a crime.

    Your site is wonderful, has awesome potential, and I have ideas to share (I am an activist), however, if you can foresee that my presence would be disruptive here, I will promptly leave. Please let me know.
     
  2. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Of course IRs are welcolm here. Your IR is not the issue at all on this site. However, at the same time, there may be post or threads that speak to or address the issues of white men, women or people in regard to our reality in terms of how we may see it, or what we are going through. The question becomes in light of this, "what is your level of sensitivity" when someone is speaking on the devilish deeds of white men and women individually or collectively?

    Obviously no one here would want to or would try to speak on issues regarding IRs or some of the realities concerning them in terms of trying to make them work because that is not what we are about. Having said that, please allow me to welcome you to the site and I look forward to reading some of your post.
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Mayn ... hello and welcome ... :wave:

    Knowing that you are at a site that promotes Black People loving each other, and not much else, and you're still interested in being here ... even after telling us you have a white husband ... then you are most certainly welcome.

    I'm not able to tell you how to handle your IR, in the context of these discussions, or any other way. I have absolutely no experience in such. Perhaps doing what you always do, will work here too? Just know what kind of site we are, and don't be surprised (or hurt) when you read posts promoting and supporting Black Love ... and some even discouraging IR.

    If you can deal with us, we can deal with you ... :love:

    If in the course of being here, you find it too challenging, you may want to visit a site that promotes and embraces IR. I believe there are quite a few on the Internet, and you may be more comfortable there, as you will be surrounded by like-minded individuals.

    I'm glad you like the site, and i look forward to all you have to share with us.

    I hope i've answered your questions. If not, let me know.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. Tantrum

    Tantrum Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Will see how nice everyone is once you see an IR thread and state your husband is white I know the real outcome...
     
  5. Mayn

    Mayn Banned MEMBER

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    Sister Destee, thank you for your warm welcome!! I've really enjoyed my brief time here because y'all are talking about the issues that impact my life and the lives of my children and our folks. Whether a Black person is married to a white person or any other non-Black person, we are still Black. The same issues that hit you in the face every day hit me too.

    I don't feel uncomfortable or hurt at all re talk about issues of white supremacy. It is a reality. My husband and I talk about it quite frequently.

    So once again--Thank you.:luvv:
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Mayn ... you're very welcome.

    Please continue to make yourself at home.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. Mayn

    Mayn Banned MEMBER

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    I thank you for your welcome!! I've read some of your views and agree with much of what I read.

    White people have committed unspeakable crimes against Black people and continue to do so. Those are facts. I'm not sensitive about discussions about that at all. My husband however is an individual who did none of those things. He does reap some of the benefits of white privilege because he is white, however, there is nothing he can do to change that because he can't help who he is genetically.

    I hope you can understand that I am much more than my interracial relationship. I'm a woman, a person in my own right and hope I can be treated as such here. My husband just happens to be my mate.
     
  8. Mayn

    Mayn Banned MEMBER

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    Wll, thank you for the "heads up."

    The only reason I stated upfront my husband is white is because I wanted to find out whether it's against the rules here or might it cause disruptions. Sister Destee obviously doesn't feel that either is the case.

    I think IRs get a bad reputation because "some" people in them are in them for the wrong reasons. That means also that some people are not. The reality is that a Black woman in a marriage with a white man are just a married couple--nothing more or less--and I hope that others will regard my marriage as they would any other one.
     
  9. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Mayn ... you stated it upfront because you wanted to find out basically, how it would be received ... but i remember Sister Karmashines saying she invited you here, and had given you some jist of how you'd be received prior to coming. I can respect if you wanted to hear it from me, that's fine, but didn't you already have some insight regarding these things?

    I didn't say it might not cause a disruption. Such has happened before. If it does, we'll deal with it accordingly.


    Sister Mayn ... is there a way to recognize, without asking a person, if they're in an IR for the wrong reason or not? I mean, can't everyone say they're in it for the right reason, and we'd be obligated to take their word for it? I've never heard anyone in an IR, say they were in it for any other reason, than love.

    I must say, i do not regard IR the same as i do Black / Black relationships. I just don't want you to set your expectations too high, though i'm sure some will agree with your assessment.

    Sister Mayn ... tell me if you don't mind, why would you prefer a community such as ours, over one that embraces and promotes IR dating and marriage? I think if i were in such a union, i would want to be around people that thought fondly of my choices. I mean, you know, kinda gravitating naturally toward those that are most like you. Any insight on this would be much appreciated.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  10. Mayn

    Mayn Banned MEMBER

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    Yes, Sis Karmashines spoke to me about the possibility of some people not understanding my relationship, but you're the head here and in my experience, people tend to follow the head. Therefore, I believe in going directly to the head, though I've observed you're not an authoritarian.

    There is no defintive way of determining whether people in IRs are in them for the right reason, but I make it a rule to not pay attention to what people say, but to watch what they do. For ex, if a Black man or woman proclaims they make it a practice to only date white or other non-Black, then to me that's obviously a red flag. Or I've met many Black people who make disparaging comments about Black people, cut whites a lot of slack and then make it a point to surround themselves with whites. Or I've been around Black men who love playing with their white girlfriend's hair or Black men who admit they love long straight hair or Black women who outright say they want to have a child by a non-Black man so that the child will have light skin. These are all obvious red flags to anyone, I would think.

    Re your not seeing my BF-WM relationship the same as a BF-BM, relationship, I can understand that because I felt the same way. Having been in both types of relationships, 99% of the time, it's the same. I was looking for differences because I was raised down in the deep South (Alabama) and I experienced JIM CROW. I never learned to hate, but I've always been and still am very wary of white people, in general.

    As to why I'm in this community vs one where there are many IRs, it's because I'm a Black woman. I go to a Black church. All of my friends and family members are Black. My children are Black. I look Black. I sound Black. I have a Black aesthetic. My culture is Black. Black people are MY people. I go through the same things other Black people go through on a day to day basis. I think Black about survival issues the way I think Black folks ought to be thinking. My destiny is intertwined with Black people. I know it may be difficult to understand that my interracial marriage is not the sum total of me, far from it. I'm not sure if that's what you're asking.

    I don't know what Black people or others talk about on an IR board. Do they constantly talk about their IR relationship? That's not for me because as I said, I am much more than my IR relationship. I am multi-dimensional. I do many things. I don't define myself by my mate. If you were to ask me who I am, I could talk for days and not mention him.

    So as far as I'm concerned, I am just like you. We are two Black women who care deeply for our people. I don't consider any other Black person any "Blacker" than I am in terms of our mindset on Black issues. As a matter of fact, my friends call me "Miss Black" because I'm always the one who moves Black issues to the forefront in any discussion. This is who I am and this is how I see myself.

    Hope this helps you to see me more clearly.
     
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