Another Front Line Sister Tells It Like It TIS!

Discussion in 'Black Men - Fathers - Brothers - Sons' started by Mike Ramey, Nov 1, 2002.

  1. Mike Ramey

    Mike Ramey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Had to bring this one to the boards in response to a few of the columns I have been blessed to write and post here. Regina Nicholson has a lot to say about how brothers are being treated in the courts on Child Support and Visitation down in Atlanta...

    **********************************************

    I think having a close relationship with my Dad and
    Granddad helped me to understand people are people,
    regardless of gender. I think of all the times my Dad
    had tea parties with me. He attended my pageants and
    my "girlie" activities. He was my first softball
    coach. He helped me grow into a self-reliant woman
    and was my football buddy along with my Granddad. My
    Granddad was my heart. His words of wisdom and
    support were insurmountable. He also supported my
    activities. That's why I am a strong advocate for
    Dads being a part of their child's life.

    I am a resident of Marietta, Georgia which is a part
    of Metro Atlanta.

    The Georgia Child Support guidelines are horrible and
    take into account the gross pay instead of net pay.
    The guidelines also do not take into account the
    income of the custodial parent which is usually the
    mother. Custody of the children most often goes to the
    mother without considering the father might be the
    better parent.

    I am an advocate for children. I work diligently in my
    volunteer work with churches and other organizations
    assisting children. I see an abuse of the court system
    from both women and men, now especially women. Being
    female doesn't automatically make one a better parent.
    Judges should view a person as an individual, not as a
    race, gender or culture. I believe in justice for all
    people and each person should be held to the same
    standards as everyone else. My family often told me I
    had to go the extra mile because of my race. I know
    life isn't fair, but the law should be fair and
    equitable to all people.


    For example, there are many cases in metro Atlanta
    where the incomes of both parents are the same or the
    woman is making significantly more than her husband.
    This is often the case in marriages where both are
    degreed professionals and this is often the case in a
    lot of African-American marriages. The number of
    African-American women with college degrees
    significantly differs with those of men with college
    degrees.


    I have seen several family members and friends live on
    the poverty level trying to pay the unrealistic child
    support payments when their ex-wife should be equally
    responsible for the financial care of the child. These
    men, more often than not, do not have access to their
    children due to manipulative games played by the
    mother.


    Why do women strive so hard to have equal rights, but
    yet want to have special privileges too? The court
    system makes it easy for a woman to falsely accuse a
    man of the crime of "domestic violence" with no
    retribution for perjury. This is often a ploy used in
    divorce and child custody battles.


    Why is a woman automatically believed and a man is not
    believed? Many innocent people have been made to
    suffer because a "restraining order" was issued with
    no investigation by the police or no evidence of
    wrongdoing. There are many women who are victims of
    domestic violence, but each case should be
    investigated before a person is assumed guilty.


    I have personal reasons for wanting gender
    discrimination out of the courts. I have four uncles
    who have suffered from the women they chose. I also
    have a number of friends who are excellent fathers who
    have struggled with the court system. One of my
    friends actually won custody of his daughter, but it
    was a long, intense, expensive struggle!


    One uncle, my mom's baby brother, was a victim of
    domestic violence and is now deceased. We miss him
    greatly and can't understand how she could be so
    vicious. She was upset because he was going out with
    his friends. His live-in girlfriend received
    manslaughter for her crime in California, although the
    DA was going for first degree murder. One juror felt
    sorry for her since she was a young mother (not my
    uncle's child, although he was more a father to him
    than his biological father) and would not relent
    unless she was given manslaughter.


    The rest of the jurors were so upset, some came to her
    sentencing and those who couldn't wrote letters. They
    felt she didn't get the sentence she deserved. Even
    the judge said he wished he had met my uncle for he
    seemed like a wonderful young man. Her defense, it was
    an accident! She is now out of prison!


    I have contacted several organizations and there are
    no support groups for men who suffer from domestic
    violence. Needless to say, I gave them an earful,
    respectfully of course, about gender discrimination.


    Another uncle married the same woman twice who tried
    to kill him twice. He is smaller than her and she
    would beat him up all the time. The first time, she
    cut up his abdominal area and damaged his intestines.
    When he was released from the hospital, he divorced
    her and dropped the assault charges.


    He remarried her because the children wanted their
    parents back together. We excommunicated her from the
    family and told her she was no longer welcome at our
    homes. So, at family gatherings, he would attend with
    his two children. We told him he was crazy for taking
    her back and asked him how does he sleep at night
    lying next to a person who tried to kill him? He
    needed help also for wanting to be in a dysfunctional
    relationship.


    When he left for Desert Storm, she didn't pay the
    bills. He came home only to find the bank had
    foreclosed on his house. Two years ago, he came home
    from work and caught her having intimate relations
    with a man she met on the internet. He and the man
    started fighting. She ran to get a gun and shot him
    four times. He was in intensive care fighting for his
    life. He still has two bullets left in him. They are
    too close to the spine to remove. He had to retire
    because of the pain and recovery from the shooting.
    She filed a restraining order on him and stated she
    shot him in self defense.


    The courts believed her even with her violent history.
    He was put on probation. He is now serving time in
    prison for violating probation, because with all of
    the pain, he turned to alcohol and drugs. She is
    walking the streets free as a bird! He has wasted his
    whole life on this woman who was his high school
    sweetheart.


    Another uncle is going through a divorce which started
    two years ago and it is still not final! The good
    news, he does get to see his daughter on a regular
    basis. The bad news, he is broke and tired from the
    court fights!


    The last uncle story...He is paying child support to
    two ex-wives. One uses his child support to pay her
    car payment. She has remarried and moved away from the
    area. He only gets his son in the summer. His other
    child, a twelve year old daughter, is not in his life
    even though she only lives 8 miles away. Her mother
    will not allow him to see her because she is still
    upset over him ending the relationship. She has also
    remarried. He pays her around $700 a month. He works
    overtime and has a lawn service to make ends meet. He
    barely has time to eat and sleep.

    I know it is because they chose the wrong women, but
    the courts are so biased in the woman's favor. If I
    was a man, I don't think I would get married! Not all
    women are vicious, but I'm beginning to think at least
    80% of them are spiteful and I'm a woman! Women need
    to realize, "Okay, the relationship ended. I might not
    like him anymore but the children have nothing to do
    with our relationship."


    Some women think they had a "Virgin" birth without
    help from the father!

    Why are feminists so eager to come to the aid of of
    bad mothers who maim and kill their children but fail
    to rally around a good father? Children need contact
    with both of their parents. It is so important for
    their well-being!

    People's rights are being taken away from them, slowly
    but surely.

    It reminds me of the poem by Pastor Martin Niemöller.
    They came for the communists, and I did not speak up
    because I wasn't a communist;
    They came for the socialists, and I did not speak up
    because I wasn't a socialist;
    They came for the union leaders, and I did not speak
    up because I wasn't a union leader;
    They came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because
    I wasn't a Jew.
    Then they came for me, and there was no one left to
    speak up for me.


    I just don't want to be guilty of not assisting those
    who rights have been disregarded. My paternal
    grandmother always told me to remember where your
    rights end, another's begin.

    Regina R. Nicholson

    You can easily judge the character of others by how
    they treat those who they think can do nothing for
    them or to them. ~ Malcolm Forbes

    Mike Ramey
     
  2. Solo

    Solo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    She gets a BIG amen from me. This type of stuff does make me not want 2 get married honestly. I don't feel like I could ever completely trust a woman. I keep thinking I'll just wait til I'm older (like in my 40's-50's) when kids R no longer a factor; especially since I refuse 2 date women with kids, and am horrified of having some with a woman who turns out 2 be crazy.
     
  3. Mike Ramey

    Mike Ramey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Solo--Marriage AIN'T For Everybody...

    Some of us are called to be single, and some of us are called to be married. IF we would remember to enjoy the state that we are in and be content, we would find ourselves a LOT happier and a LOT healthier.

    If you have to hurry after something, or someone, it may not be worth it if you are not secure in yourself.

    Mike Ramey
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    WoW! :eeek:

    I can't say that I agree wholeheartedly with everything that was said. I can say that I appreciate wholeheartedly that Mike Ramey shared this with us. :love:

    Where do I begin ...

    I am a firm believer that very little is more important than a father being in their child's life. I never had a father in mine and realize the true cost of this can never be measured. I don't think any child should be denied what God has given them, BOTH of their parents.

    Having said that, I think you are coming down very hard on the Sisters. Unnecessarily So. I do agree that it is more difficult for a man to gain custody of his children. I'm encouraged though that so many are willing to fight that fight for their children ... and many have won it. There are still many more fathers going above and beyond to make their children know that they are there for them. It is a beautiful thing to witness.

    But when a man does not do this ... you cannot blame it on the woman.

    You mentioned several examples from your own family, of men CHOOSING the wrong woman ... then wanting to blame the woman for everything ... when it all began with THEIR choice. It's called accepting responsibility for ALL consequences that come, as a direct result of one's OWN CHOICE. Not only must they accept this ... but you must also, if you're going to be all up in their business.

    Your family is correct, going the extra mile because of our race is necessary. Going the extra mile also includes not tearing down one whole half of the equation, to lift the other half up. Black men are worthy of their accolades, but not at the expense of black women. Your effort is canceling itself out. Both black men and black women have gone through, suffered, been mistreated, need encouragement and uplifting words. You can't tear down one side of the family, the mother or the father, and expect for the children in that family to thrive. Throughout history nothing has been fair for black folk, even less has been fair for black men, and perhaps ... thanks to us, this current generation ... even less has been fair for our children. If you are truly an advocate of the child ... then you must also be an advocate for BOTH mother and father ... because the child needs and deserves positive messages, interactions and encouragement from and about BOTH.

    You cannot tear down any one of a child's parents, without tearing down the child.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Mike Ramey

    Mike Ramey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's Cool and It's about Communication...

    A few years back, I did an interview with a noted Black Sociologist who was catching some heat because of the way he conducted his research. His line of thought, yes, the negative does exist...but the MAJORITY of Black folk DID manage to stay married and keep their homes together. He defined it as the 70/30 mix...and we are so used to hearing about the 30 percent that did hit hard times that we forget those souls in the 70 percent that hit hard times and manage to keep it together.

    Ms. Nicholson is not 'downing' anyone. However, she wrote this to me just to remind myself and others that we get so used to hearing and seeing the bad news, we forget there is some good news out there. There are those who did have fathers, and those who had mothers, and those who had both, who managed to make it alright and are using their upbringing to help others.

    Its just another point of view that we don't see or hear enough of on a regular basis.

    The media conditions us with a steady stream of bad news everyday. We don't get to see the regular black men and black women because the media has 'deluded' itself into thinking that we only want to see the bad.

    Not everything is 'bad' out there. There are those who are doing well. We need to hear from them, every once in a while.

    Mike Ramey
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hmmmmm ... okay Mike :wink:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If you look at most of the black marriages that are successful these days, it is because the woman in the marriage is not trying to control every aspect of it.

    With women who need to control everything in a marriage, if there is a divorce, there is often a thirst for revenge. These women are so bent on destroying the father that they destroy their children.

    I am not downing mothers. I am trying to show how important fathers are in a child's life.
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I agree, fathers are very important in a child's life.

    I don't believe it requires saying negative things about mothers to prove that.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Mike Ramey

    Mike Ramey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    No Negatives Here!

    Since when is stating a different P. O. V. a negative?

    Let's look at marriage for what it is. God intended it to be perfect, and HIS mark is still the goal! Men AND women messed the equation up.

    However, one cannot 'blame' the men for the problem. There are some women who have done their share of 'dirt' to destroy the home as well.

    The matter as I see it, and mind you it is based upon this letter, is there are views surfacing that paint a fuller picture. For too long, the 'assumption' was that the failure of the marriage relationship rests ONLY upon the man.

    Now you have a woman coming forward saying: "Wait a minute, here is what I have found by living my life and my background..."

    And, some folk just cain't (and I did say cain't) take the fact that this view exists.

    I know a LOT of men and women who are giving Miss Nicholson's letter a wide degree of circulation. Ms. Sears is one of them. And, we are familiar with her work as well, as the CEO of her own Publication and Literary Company.

    No one is 'downing' anyone. Just brininging more paint and brushes to the canvas. Hopefully HELPING some one's relationship that may be in trouble.

    And helping them to turn it around.

    Isn't that what WE as a people are supposed to be about?

    Mike Ramey
     
  10. ASHANTA

    ASHANTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A house divided shall not stand. Violence is a cry out for help. One must be very careful in the surroundings of there children, if not the child will become a part of this curse. Children learn from there surroundings. There is no pleading with rage. One must remove themselves if not it will destroy all that lives within the same house.
     
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