- May 16, 2004
- 921
- 38
I find it hard to put into words the emotions that had blasted my heart these last months. Even more difficult to confess such to him. With knowing that my words change little. And mean everything to me. But nothing more than a constant reminder of what was, what isn’t. And what won’t ever be. And it’s weird. So much easier to write out of the situation then in the scope of things. But even such is a task. A force of cosmic energy mixed with emotional elevations that met highs, dipped lows, and now are being documented. And all in all the love still remains. The pain is fiery. And I need closure. But don’t really know what consist of yet. And whether it’s even possible now.
And so what now. Faced with tragic events that created the space for long life time decisions are in the background of every picture I see of u. the images of the path I walked alone because ur inabilities as a man.. held u back from being one. When I needed. But yet with that said. The love I laid was real. It was built. It was not wanted. But acquired. It was not asked for but yet it came. And with it coming. its leaving. And I need a conclusion. My poems are written in pieces. My thoughts over worked on the end to the tale that was never fairy but went bad. In a hurry . some could say. And yet each step took its course, as we are now. Of reconcile. Converse. Debate. Discuss. Depart. Forgive. Move past. Pass.. each other. Or simply the hope that things could have turned out different. And the idea that the love created wasn’t just in my dreams. In my word. In my writings that led to a better place then the joy of my day… but yet held faith. And what now. I ask with some confirmation that good bye is soon. And good bye is necessary. And still. It hurts to cut pieces of myself.. that meant so much once before. But aint best no more. And so the love came. The time pasted. And what now.Life is departing. Emotions buckle up. Road trip time.
With the new year brings even more pain of the what ifs, the could be’s, and all the maybes... and how to continue. How to continue despite the love created. The love lost. And the love missed. How to keep going on with the pain under everything... and pretend I am healing. That I have moved forward. And don’t need him. How do I cut my losses without cutting a piece of me? Impossible. And thus where the pain remains. The silence in my cries. My wants. My passion. And the way I love him. And did love him. With everything. And that everything... Stopped... And but who is to blame but all the external forces of life’s journey. And all the internal needs of the human heart. And I write that we are needy people. Needing each other to continue. And yet I stutter the words to myself. Do I really need you. Is it really you.? Or jus the façade.
And time. Time has always been the factor. Whether the solution, the issue, the problem. The catalyst. Or the constant. It’s always been here, or missing. And I wonder if that simple four letter word that sometime means more than love.. will and would have made things work. Would it??? Cuz even now.. we have been faced with … the building of the foundation of a standard that didn’t last long. A relationship shaped by us but bent by everything else. And the interjection of possibility making something bad worst. And now time. With all that has occurred. I found salvation in kindness. And freedom in faith that to forgive is apart of my healing. But time . we still don’t have time. And my words can never be the same via messages or calls. I need physical impressionist portraits of ur face.. and my emotions plastered on the windows that listen to our conversation. And the ears that listen past the yelling. But the sight that is able to find the beauty in my sadness. In my strength. In my courage. To right the wrongs of our past. To a straight line we both can walk. A balance beam I wont fall from any more. With the slightest touch. The slightest call. With any thought of something associated with you. And yet.. I jus have been begging.. if not to say its extreme. For seconds. For eye contact. For ur heart to pour into my breathing space. And we absorb each others silence and pain. Because I need to see if my first paragraph was truly worth the mention. And know my love wasn’t in vein. And our departure is not in theory. But was really necessary. A Reality. And for the best.
And so what now. Faced with tragic events that created the space for long life time decisions are in the background of every picture I see of u. the images of the path I walked alone because ur inabilities as a man.. held u back from being one. When I needed. But yet with that said. The love I laid was real. It was built. It was not wanted. But acquired. It was not asked for but yet it came. And with it coming. its leaving. And I need a conclusion. My poems are written in pieces. My thoughts over worked on the end to the tale that was never fairy but went bad. In a hurry . some could say. And yet each step took its course, as we are now. Of reconcile. Converse. Debate. Discuss. Depart. Forgive. Move past. Pass.. each other. Or simply the hope that things could have turned out different. And the idea that the love created wasn’t just in my dreams. In my word. In my writings that led to a better place then the joy of my day… but yet held faith. And what now. I ask with some confirmation that good bye is soon. And good bye is necessary. And still. It hurts to cut pieces of myself.. that meant so much once before. But aint best no more. And so the love came. The time pasted. And what now.Life is departing. Emotions buckle up. Road trip time.
