Black Relationships : An honest question for my sisters - what things about a man says that he can be used

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by NyneElementz, Jan 6, 2013.

  1. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I want to know what things about a man says that he can be used.

    This isn't about a generalization about sisters at all. Some year and a half ago, I was told the reason I was chosen was because I was a prime target to be used. I have tried for a year to understand that so I can stop being a target for those who want to use me. I don't want to become bitter and still have hopes of finding a better marriage than my first. Any honest insights would be helpful.
     
  2. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    *sigh* Stop dating the women you date...You get used cause you choose the wrong women to date...
    Normally when you always seem to get used it's because you keep choosing to date the wrong people. It's sounds like you unknowingly put yourself in front of the firing squad.
    Usually we tend to want to point the finger at others for our poor relationships...but most of the time we constantly find ourselves in the wrong relationship is because we are attracted to wrong people.
    This isn't to say you are going out and intentionally looking for people to use you, but you date women who have similar traits...and you aren't fully aware of what those traits are because you are blinded by something else...what I don't know...that's for you to figure out on your own, because you know yourself better then anyone else...but the similar traits seem to be the type who like to take advantage and use.
    Anyone can be used by anyone at any given time.
     
  3. Thelma Jackson-Smith

    Thelma Jackson-Smith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    What are you focused on the MOST when dating a woman?
     
  4. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I seek out her character to see if there is anything to build a strong friendship or relationship with.
     
  5. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Obviously you have poor choice in character...Thus the reason for you being used.
     
  6. spiritual eyes46

    spiritual eyes46 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ok i'M GOING TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION ON WHY YOU ARE BEING USED AND PICKING WRONG MATE,,i've met a few brothers such as yourself and had asked me the same thing,some women are just out to get what they can from a man not caring how they go about getting and truely can care less about how you feel because once they have have you caught up emotional it;s a done deal and you will do anything for them ...now to break this cycle of emotional abuse of yourself you must tell yourself and believe you deserve better,you must learn to love yourself and to not wear your heart on your sleeve,i'VE HEARD SOME WOMEN SAY they do not want a sensitive man they want a man a little ruff around the edges,,,(meaning disrespectful)and not a gentleman you sound like a great guy and if you just take your time and STOP looking for love in all the wrong places you will one day find MISS.RIGHT she is out their far and few and you may have to look a little farther if the picking are few....don't give up being whom you are and labeling all women it's still some decent ones left.....maybe you may want to do a makeover of yourself,right down a list and look at it and then just like a application for a job make one up for women with several choice questions and don't be ashamed give them out and say i'm only looking at the the moment and the ones that you are interested in that are more compatiable with yourself that's whom you show some interest in...sounds like you"re single so take your time no rush,the library,book store,church,school is where you may find some wimen whom still want a gentleman instead of a thug....good luck
     
  7. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    1. Just because they look good, smell good and smile good, doesnt mean they are good

    2. The word has been passed out, just like guys do. For a good time, call you.

    3. Being popular with skanks obviously is not a great acheivement.

    4. Your job now is to identify all the sisters that dont fit in that mode, even if you have to go outide your normal haunts

    5. Now you know that there are many that do think, nice guys finish last





    ..
     
  8. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Why r u responding to a question directed to the sisters?
     
  9. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Spiritual Eyes, I think you answered my question. I got caught up in emotion and did something I should not have done and that is what got me in the situation I was referring to.

    And you're right, some women are just after what they can get, not caring about what a man feels. And honestly, I probably should have known she was the wrong one to choose. If something looks and sounds too good to be true, it is.

    I will take your suggestion for writing down that list and initiate my own 'job application' process.

    I will definitely have to learn to not be as transparent as I have been. I cannot expect that sincerity and honesty means something to every woman.

    I will disagree with you on one point. The place you find them doesn't seem to matter anymore. I've always looked in places where I thought women of purpose would be. And I met this one at a technical college while I was taking an insurance training class. She worked in the college bookstore as the manager. And while she was churchgoing, I suppose that was her cloak, because the character I expected her to have wasn't there.

    Kemestry, I sure hope point #2 isn't true, because this situation turned into a miserable marriage. Don't want that drama again.

    Also, point taken on the normal haunts. I'll just shut them all down and leave room for the right one to be revealed to me, rather than to look. It seems wherever I look, the wrong is all I find. And I have known point 1 for a long time. I think i'd have to add "speak good" to that list, though.
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Brother NyneElementz ... bless your heart ... you seem like a wonderful Brother, and i'm sure you'll make a wonderful partner for some Sister. Don't be too hard on yourself because you're loving, kind, and no doubt all the things that you hope to find in another. I've been moved to respond to your post, because what you're experiencing, Sisters experience too ... it's a people thing i think ... not exclusive to either gender. If you can look at this dynamic in a more general, big picture way, i think it will help.

    First of all, you use the word "use" as if it is the plague, some terrible event that should be avoided ... but it is the very essence of relationships / interactions. Generally, there has to be some mutual benefit (use) for all involved, to continue keeping oneself available to the other. It could be said that we, you and i, "use" each other in the context of our (albeit minimal) relationship. There is something here that you can use, the interaction, camaraderie, exchange of information, etc., and there is something that i can use as well, the joy it brings seeing my people interacting respectfully, providing an example on how it can be done, etc. We are in essence, right now, using each other. It's not a bad thing. It's not even bad if one of us determines that the use no longer provides any value, choosing to stop engaging, or re-evaluating the level of contribution in the exchange. It's only bad if we realize it's no longer good, has no beneficial use, and make no adjustments / changes.

    The bitterness begins to set in when you feel you're being used, are not getting anything of equal or substantive value in return, and remain. No one can "do this" to you, without you absolutely knowing that it is taking place. Therefore, it's not on the other person to manage, it's on you. It's on you to protect your own self ... man or woman ... and when you fail to do so, you can't blame it on the other person ... suggesting that they are "users" or no good people, or some such carrying on ... because you continued in an exchange you did not like.

    When it comes to intimate relationships, it's gonna be hard for me or anyone to tell you that you're being treated unfairly, abused ... used in a wrong manner ... for it's so very personal ... each individual determines for themselves when this line is crossed, and it's different for all of us. What one man will willingly put up with, take, happily endure, another cannot ... and likewise ... it's the same with women.

    Remember the song ... Use Me - Bill Withers ... the Brother was absolutely getting what he wanted out of the relationship, while his own Brother and friends thot he was being used ... he was all the way kewl with it ... exemplifying the fact that it's oh so very personal.

    Bill Withers - Use Me

    The key here is to manage and protect your own self, your own feelings, your own space, etc. When the engagement, exchange, relationship, what have you, grows to the point that you're feeling some kind of way negative inside yourself ... no longer happy with the return on investment ... re-evaluate and adjust accordingly.

    You're in complete control of this. Don't let one situation that you might have stayed in too long, went too far, have you looking at every other person as suspect, for it's not on them, it's on you ... to protect you. No man or woman, can "use you" any more than you let them.

    Wishing you much success in your quest and Happy New Year!

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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