Poetry Critiques : ALPHABET MIND SOUP... *AN OLD ONE*

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by triniti424, Mar 17, 2005.

  1. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Okay famlee see this is one I had written quite a while ago...
    I wanted to know what tips yall had to make it more SPOKEN WORD FRIENDLY
    :read: something you think I should revise and why
    It seems okay on paper but reading is kina tricky
    whaddyall think?

    ********************************************

    As Always I Am…Afflicted Again…Armed with Automatic Aspirations that Are slowly
    Becoming Burdens of Blight Because, Believing in Bitter Blessings Begets Bodily Bacterial Bite
    Causing Catastrophic Character Concussions, I
    Demand and Defy Daring Duties in order to Detain this Debilitating Death, in order to
    Escape Electrifying Enigmatic Engagements, Eventually Evolving into Erogenous Expendable Entertainment,
    Fighting Freedom For False Featherweight Federations that are steadily Fueling Foolish Futile
    Generations, who are Giving up God for Guilt-laced Galvanizing Goods
    Hoping on Heavenly Help However
    Instead, Ignorance Insists and Immature Insistence Intrigues because,
    Justification” is Just Junction 99 off of a Journey called “this lifetime” and
    Keeping Kindred in Keen Knowledge is
    Learning to Live with Lacerations of Life’s Liberation Lessons and
    Making Mind of Mental Masquerades,
    Never Nullifying our Natural Name and accolades,
    Only to be Openly Oppressed by Obtrusive Opponents
    Pretending to be Purifying our Precious People but all the while
    Quietly Quelling souls, and holding Query Quarantine to
    Rip and Reform Rapidly Radiating
    Souls into, Silent Slaves Steady Sinking, Silent Slaves with hearts Steadily Shrinking
    Till, There is no Time To Tell the Tales of The Tired Tattered and Terminated
    Until…now…Unrestrained Understanding among the United…Upholding our Unyielding
    Victories, Vanquishing Villains and Vile Vagabonds, Vindicating the Venomous Void, and all the
    While, Willingly Winning the Weary, Wayward and Weak…creating the Worthy WE
    Xceeding Xtra Xpectations of the
    Yesteryears I Yield my Yearning till the next
    Zap of Zeal I feel
    but until then…
    The End
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Any way you spell it, Triniti, is one talented Sista!
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    the full structure how this piece was spelled out
    takes the reader in and hold them i see it as well
    pose'd and written
     
  4. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    dang, dang, danggggg!!
    I kept picking through this to find one little thing wrong, but I couldn't find nothing, darn it,...lol
    Okay for real,
    I don't know how I missed this one before but I'm glad you brought it back...
    its a "Awesome" piece, ...Not to be tampered with!
     
  5. Nisa

    Nisa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Woo that was nice... :welldone: :bingo: ...
     
  6. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    Xceeding Xtra Xpectations of the

    you cheated on these wordz....u big cheater...:lol: :lol: :lol:
    nah...i 'm just kiding...u've done something that most poets cannot do and still make sense...
    your use of illeteration did nothing but preach your personality...i really enjoyed that about this poem...
    u betta not change this piece...i'll take this as-is with no warranty...:wink:

    :hot: :hot: :hot:
    one love
    khasm
     
  7. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is a piece that just seems to educate the reader as they are drown into the flow. Good job!
     
  8. bigdrizzle

    bigdrizzle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Trin, you are the reason why I will neva (eva eva) call myself a poet...This piece is so incredible...

    Peace,
    Drizz
     
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