Black Relationships : Allow Me to Ask it Differetly - For those who have cheated ...

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by legit-writer, Oct 9, 2011.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    For those who have cheated, what drove you to do it, and do you feel justified, as if you had a good reason to do it?
     
  2. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    people--men and women--will cheat whenever something is missing in the relationship. people will cheat when the relationship is out of whack, in some way, and they no longer feel it is worth saving--even if they're still there. and people will cheat when they feel some insecurities surrounding their mate.

    in my first marriage, i cheated. although i feel that my reasons were justified, my wife didn't...and she couldn't get beyond my infidelity. later--we've remained very good friends and often talk about what happened to us--she willingly accepted her role in the downfall of our relationship...including why i cheated. but in the heat of the moment, she couldn't see it. NO...I WILL NOT LIST THOSE REASONS HERE.

    women should realize something: when they try to use sex as a weapon...a means of controlling, or punishing, their husbands...they are only opening the door for someone else. yes, he's married and should be able to control himself...but even God recognized that the flesh is weak. God said that neither a husband, nor a wife, should be denying your spouse his/her marital due (sex)...because it opens him up to temptation. when you deny a man sex, then send him out into the lion's den--that unrighteous world, where hundreds of women are saying, "come on, baby, you can have some of this."--is like sending a starving man to a restaurant, with a million dollars in his pocket, but tell him that he cannot eat anything. HE'S GOING TO PARTAKE OF THE THINGS HE'S BEING DENIED. you--as his wife--may claim that he's the one who was wrong, because he cheated, but you were just as wrong because you put him in that position by making him succeptible to the weaknesses of the flesh.

    YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND HE MAY NOT STRAY.
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Ive yet to do so , but the one's i know who have gave reasons likes of relationship has gone sour
    he or she nolonger seem intrested and some say they are so insecured and blame me for it
    anyway why not !
    then you have some who will say i was pushed into it by the lack of love given
    when people cheat you will hear many many reasons and then you have some
    who just can't help it out of lust and curiosity and bad judgement.
    but brother Baller much said it best....
     
  4. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I've always learned that you can never control the outcome of anything and that includes a relationship, and that a person may be doing everything they are supposed to do and their partner still cheats on them.No offense but no matter what the reason is, cheating isn't justified. If you are unhappy or aren't getting what you want, just leave, not cheat on someone. Its an adult thing to do. And I see not many people are adult enough to take this approach. It's amazing how folks refer to biblical references to further justify their actions and wrongdoings. To me that's a lame excuse because one is responsible for their own actions. Stand on your own two feet and own what you did and stop pointing the finger at what someone "did" to "cause" you to cheat. No one can make you do anything. While many folks probably want to say "oh you don't understand", "it's more complicated than that" or the most common one of all "you won't understand until you're in the situation yourself", all excuses. Cheating is cheating and it's a cowardly way to exit a relationship.
     
  5. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    it's so easy to say that something is cowardly...especially if you haven't been in certain situations. it's easy to say what's lame...if you haven't experienced hardships in a relationship. it's easy to say what you wouldn't do, when you haven't been in that situation--i.e. it's easy to condemn a person for stealing...if you've never been hungry enough, and didn't have money enough, and didn't have any other way to fill your stomach. and, yes, it's easy to say that you could just leave.

    BUT IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY.

    as a man, if you have three or four kids at home, barely making ends meet, with a wife who doesn't want to have sex with you, for whatever reason--and you know a twenty or thirty-something man will have his sex--you will cheat. you will cheat because you cannot afford to just leave. you cannot afford to support two households and survive. (USUALLY, the woman will end up with the kids...we all know that). like Johnny Taylor said, "it's cheaper to keep her."

    i'm not discussing the right or wrong of it...although i could argue both sides. i'm just answering your question. are you trying to condemn me for those actions, instead of trying to understanding why things happen? as in relationships, we're more interesting in crucifying someone than trying to understand how we got in our current dilemma...thinking that "as long as i'm not doing wrong then i can blame him."

    but GOD said that it's WRONG to deny your husband his marriage due...just as HE said that sex outside the marriage is WRONG.

    THEY'RE BOTH WRONG.

    so, in that situation, although the woman might claim that she's not doing anything wrong. in essence, she is. OF DENYING HER HUSBAND HIS MARRIAGE DUE...and of potentially stumbling her husband--subjecting him to the temptations of the flesh. YES...that's wrong.
     
  6. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    not condemning you at all, but you talk as if to this day, you still justify what you did. I understand you feeling it was justifiable at the time, but do you still feel you was right to cheat today? It's obvious you felt it was justified at the time, with no question because when a person is in the midst of a situation, they feel entitled and justified most of the time, but I asked "do" you, with the operative word being do, meaning, looking back on that, do you still feel like it's justifiable what you did. Also, I've been in hardships relationshipwise myself, but I didn't cheat on him. I still let him go, even if that meant me losing certain things or things coming at me at a huge price in some form or fashion and because of it, I'm strong, and have a great head on my shoulders and possess a great amount of resilience. You only live once, so it's however you choose to spend your life.
     
  7. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    do i still feel justified in my actions, thirty years later? YES. under the same circumstances, would i do the same thing today? YES.

    i'm not you. i'm not trying to be you. why you did what you did--hardships you went through--is for you. i did what was good for me. I'M OKAY WITH THAT. and BTW, i was justified in what i did...in my view. i'm not asking for your blessings, or for you to agree with me. i'm not trying to persuade you to believe in my reasoning for what i did. i answered your question.

    now, the above quote has nothing to do with me or my actions--as i said, i will not list the reasoning for my cheating here. you don't know what my reasons for cheating were...yet you want to judge me for cheating. I'M OKAY WITH THAT. but does that change anything i've said about what women should not do in a relationship? or, that there are situations that men find themselves in that you--because you're not a man--cannot appreciate, fully.

    IF A WOMAN IS UNWILLING TO FULFILL HER DUTIES IN A RELATIONSHIP, IT'S JUST AS EASY FOR HER TO LEAVE...AS IT IS FOR THE MAN. YET, SHE STAYS, WHILE NOT FULFILLING THOSE DUTIES, HOPING THAT THE MAN WILL DO SOMETHING FOR HER TO POUNCE ON...TO BLAME HIM FOR...INSTEAD OF LEAVING, AS YOU SUGGEST.

    isn't a better question, WHY DIDN'T SHE LEAVE, IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH THE MAN SHE WAS WITH?

    hmmm.
     
  8. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    im not judging. i'm saying no matter what the reason is, cheating is cheating. and true, what may work for you won't work for me and vice versa. and as far as an answer to your question (if it isn't rhetorical), of why didn't she leave, you can only focus on what you do and you are only accountable for what you do as is she. my focal point was on what drove a person to cheat on their partner, and whether or not they justified it at the time, and if they still justify it to this day and for me personally, a true sign of growth would have been that today looking back, it isn't justified really, but to each it's own.
     
  9. largo

    largo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Life is a series of choices. However justified one may feel or whatever reason one may give for their choice, they have made a choice none the less. One can always choose to make a different choice instead.

    Choices speak to one's character, wisdom, experience, or lack there of, one's selflessness or selfishness, strength, or weakness, whether one is grounded in reality or delusion, and others to numerous to list.
     
  10. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    See.. That's why I didn't answer.. That wasnt really a question.. Just a trap door.
     
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