Black People : Advice

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by MsFoxy1989, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. MsFoxy1989

    MsFoxy1989 New Member MEMBER

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    Hello, everyone. I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. I am 26 years old and have never been in a relationship. I have a very difficult time attracting men. I constantly compare myself to other women and I absolutely hate the way I look. I'm so desperate for affection that I've considered using Craigslist to find an escort. I don't understand exactly what it is. I know I'm not a gorgeous person and I am taller than average. Could that be a reason why I'm always ignored? I really would like to have a child someday. However, I'm struggling to find a suitable mate because of things I can not change. What's wrong with me? Someone once told me that I should try loving myself, but how can I love myself when I hate everything about myself.
     
  2. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    The main problem seems to be a self esteem one currently. Confidence attracts people. If you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else?





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  3. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Oh and,
    :welcome1: :welcome:





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  4. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    so change what you don't like......
     
  5. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    FWIW : this is not a good place to get advice. see a decent therapist.
     
  6. MsFoxy1989

    MsFoxy1989 New Member MEMBER

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    Thank you, but therapists are very expensive. The cheapest one in my area is approximately $200 per visit.
     
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  7. MissH

    MissH Member MEMBER

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    I agree it does sound like a low esteem / self confidence problem. There's a huge amount of self help material on the web, a simple Google search will bring up lots of starting places + there might well be hypnosis CDs available on Amazon - I mention those as I found one for vertigo worked really well for me back in my early 20s.
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello MsFoxy1989 ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave:

    Thanks for joining us and sharing. I think it's good that you joined us and asked for advice. You are old enough to take the pieces that you find helpful and leave the rest. So I'll share my opinion regarding the above and you use what you want and throw away the rest.

    1st - You're still considerably young. I know it might seem like you're running out of time to get the relationship you want, but there is plenty of time. So try not to put too much pressure on yourself because it hasn't happened yet and you see no evidence of it for tomorrow. Just relax about it a little and enjoy all the many other wonderful things that life has to offer that you do currently have right now - like your health, strength, wisdom, kindness, etc.

    2nd - You do sort of sound a bit desperate, and you even said the same yourself. Being desperate is not a good place to be. You don't want to live in that space or act from that space if you can avoid it. When we act out of desperation we're more likely to make mistakes, get ourselves into situations that may not be as easy to get out of. I suggest that you do what you must to move your entire being out of this desperate space. People are more vulnerable to being taken advantage of if they are desperate. Your desperation may ooze through the words you type in a personal ad, and a predator waiting for prey keys in on you instantly. They will tell you EXACTLY what you want to hear in an effort to drain you dry - emotionally, financially, physically, in every way. You will then be able to say you have been in a relationship, but the price you pay for it will make you wish for the days when you never had a relationship. I suggest you totally get a relationship out of your mind, focus on you, and the desperation will die down on its own. It may take a minute to kick in, but it will happen. Once out of desperation mode you'll be able to see more clearly.

    3rd - My Momma always told me, pretty is as pretty does. If you act pretty you are pretty. Don't let this world's standard of beauty define you and have you feeling bad about your own self. It's the way the Creator made you. You have no control over it and you should not be spending your life hating the beauty of you! I must admit that I understand where you are, been there myself, where I didn't think much of my own self. It's weird how we will spend so much time hating our own self or attributes of self - only to learn later in life that we have been beautiful the whole time! Don't you waste another minute doing this MsFoxy. Those that said you must first love yourself are right. Loving yourself must come first no matter what you look like, as it makes no difference at all. You must love your own self with your whole heart. Be glad for you. Spend your time focusing on how you can do this with every breath you take and you will not have time to think of anything you do not have, including a relationship. A way to begin doing this is imagining if you had a little girl that looked just like you, and she felt just as you do now. What would you tell your baby? Would you encourage her to love herself and know that she is pretty? I think you would. I think you should treat yourself to that same treatment now, so when you have the relationship and the little girl - you'll know how to help her - because you were able to help yourself.

    Yes - quit being so hard on yourself if you can. Love yourself. Force yourself to love yourself. Like if you hated broccoli but had to eat it every day. You'd cook it 900 different ways, trying to make yourself love it. Do that for you. List all the things you do like about yourself - I'm sure there are some - and focus only on them if you must. Don't let your mind go down that road that says "I am ugly" "I hate myself" ... you must stop your thinking from going there ... and it's gonna be a struggle because you've been doing it so long ... but if you give this as much time, thought, and energy as you do getting a relationship ... you'll be back here soon telling us all how beautiful you are.

    Be careful out here. Folk are trolling Internet sites looking for that weak, beaten down, desperate, sad, lonely person to take advantage of - and maybe even kill - don't let it be you.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    :bowdown:
     
  10. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    i understand.

    don't give up. keep looking for some kind of program that can get you help.
    people on the internet act like they know but they don't know.
     
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