Black Relationships : advice?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by MissPoetik, Aug 1, 2003.

  1. MissPoetik

    MissPoetik Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    where do i start with this one...? :confused: this is going to be a long story...

    i have been with someone for awhile now (this has been my longest relationship) and when he got caught up and had to go to san quentin prison for six months... i kept in contact with him. i never sent money and he didn't want me to come and visit, we just wrote to eachother.

    they weren't neccesarily love letters. instead, we wrote about our relationship and tried to establish what level we were on, we wrote about the future, and i kept him informed on what was going on out here in the real world. it was my understanding that we had a relationship: not exactly boyfriend and girlfriend because of the fact that he was locked up. our bond is hard to describe. we were like intimate friends. he told me that his first priority when he got home was to get back on his feet and i agreed that that was a good idea.

    well... the last letter that i got, he basically thanked me for being there for him. he told me not to write back because he wouldn't be there to get it. he came home on tuesday of this week but he hasn't called me yet. that is what i am upset about. it's not like i smother him or call him 24-7. i call once, and if he isn't available, he knows how to get a hold of me. that's exactly what i did. i left my new cell phone number with his brother but he has not called me yet. we live about an hour apart and i'm not even asking him to come and see me. i understand that he might be taking care of business right now. regardless, he can at least call me to say hello. i just wanted to hear his voice again.

    my mom tells me to move on. "you're a pretty girl and you're a good student, why waste your time?" she says. i can understand where she's coming from. but, he is a good man and i don't want to go through all of the drama that i have been through before. i guess i'm just starting to think that maybe i'm putting more into this than he is... i don't know. so here's the dilemma... do i drop this and just continue with my life? or do i wait until i can talk to him about the situation? i really do care for him and i know that good relationships take time and effort to develop. i feel that if i "cut him off" then that makes me weak because i didn't have the strength to work on this and make things better. that's one of the reasons why i think that some relationships don't last. but on the other hand, i realize that enough is enough.

    usually when a woman says that her man is in prison, people start thinking negative things. despite the fact that i am angry with him right now... he is a good person. i would have never waited for six months if i felt that it wasn't worth it. he had two legal jobs before he got locked up, he had goals and inspirations just like me. in my eyes, we had a perfect relationship building for the future and we have never had any problems before. so... he's not a bad man, i just don't know what to think at this point.
     
  2. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First of all I don't think it makes you weak by "cutting him off" I would say it sort of looks like he cut you off, not to sound cold or anything. I try to go by what people do, not so much as what they say. The fact that he has not contacted you since being out of prison speaks volumes. Maybe there was more to it when he said not to write him back, because he wouldn't be there to get it. Aside from the fact that he was released from jail. It is hard to imagine why after exerting the time and effort while incarcerated the brotha can not call you. This is the heart of the matter. I think it comes down to a matter of courtesy. Does he think enough of you to pay you a simple phone call to say hello. Think with you head not with your head. And ask yourself, do I deserve this, and would the two of us be evenly yoked.

    You will find a way sistah

    hotep
     
  3. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    my mistake, I meant to say think with your head not with your heart
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    MissPoetik ... hello Sister ... you say so much here, but it's as though you've only written the words, not reading them, not feeling them, not absorbing them fully. You say everything that is key, mentioning all that needs to be focused and acted on, yet you end it all with, "i don't know what to think." Of course you know what to think, you've not only thought it, but you wrote it. I guess you must have to accept it, and for some reason you're having trouble doing that.

    Let me show you ...

    You say, "it was my understanding that we had a relationship: not exactly boyfriend and girlfriend ... we were like intimate friends."

    So Sister, please don't take this wrong, but are you suggesting that you were giving him your very precious and sacred self with no commitment or evidence that he loved you in a way that made him worthy of such a gift? Is this what you're saying? Please be careful Sister, letting someone inside of us is no small matter.

    After investing so much, with little or no return, you are wondering why he's treating you the way he is? You say yourself, "i'm not even asking him to come and see me," yet you want him to value you, while you continually devalue yourself. In essence, you are giving him permission to not count you, then you are disappointed when he doesn't count you!?

    You say you're beginning to think you're putting in more than he is, and he's putting in nothing Sister. He's not calling you. He's not responding to the messages you've sent. He's been out of prison for some number of hours and he's made no attempt whatsoever to reach you.

    Instead of focusing on the fact that he's bringing absolutely nothing to the table, you choose to tell yourself, "He really is a good man, he wants to give me more but he's busy, he has more important things to do, so i'm going to wait until he has time for me ... i'd hate to have given up on this relationship and miss out on the crumbs he might give me." You say he's a good man?!! A good man to who??

    You say you don't want to continue the drama that you've lived before, but this whole situation is nothing but drama for you Sweetie. It can't be anything else. Even if he calls today and says, "Oh Baby, i love you and miss you and i'm so sorry that i didn't get in touch with you sooner. May i come over and be intimate? Can we make up? Can i borrow a dollar or two?!" You should very politely tell him, that you are glad he's out of prison and wish him well (hanging up the phone immediately).

    Focus on you, your life, your dreams, your aspirations, and promise yourself that you will not give your mind, soul, heart, body and strength to any man that has not FIRST proven that he is worthy of such. Not only initially prove it, but continue to show you these things throughout the duration of the relationship.

    No one does anything to us, that we do not allow. While we might be able to place some fault at the feet of the other person, the overwhelming majority of our pain is our own fault.

    I hope i've not been to harsh. I've shared everything with much love and hope for you and your life and your happiness. I'm probably old enough to be your Mother and am talking to you as though you are my own daughter. (I'd be much more harsh and intense with her, than i am being with you.) Take your Mother's advice and free your thoughts of him, focus on your own beautiful self, your education, your goals, your future. She is absolutely correct, as most Mothers are. :wink:

    Join us in Sister Chat on Tuesdays @ 8 pm ET ... www.************/chat ... we talk about all kinds of things ... but mostly how to love ourselves.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. suddenpassion

    suddenpassion Banned MEMBER

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    Miss Poetik, I can relate to that story, although it was under different circumstances. I had to realize, that I couldnt keep on asking questions, or wanting answers. I decided to just RELEASE myself, from any thoughts, feelings, or actions that would make me ponder on the same ole things. People come into our lives for different reasons, sometimes it is to reflect positive or negative characteristics about oneself. Once you have reached that, you two seem to part. They are meant to teach you somethings about yourself. And if you are still questioning the same things about your relationship, that means you havent learnt, what it was, that you were suppose to gain. If you dont recognize it now, you will continue to make the same mistakes with the next person. I read something that was really interesting, and definitely on point. Relationship (love) is a journey, not a destination.
     
  6. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Very good advice again Destee, and eloquent as well. God will bless you. Keep your head up Misspoetik
     
  7. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sekhemu ... you are so encouraging, thank you. we really need you on the front lines of this community sharing that encouraging Spirit moe betta ... don't you wanna host a voice chat? we could call it "Encouragement 101," or anything you'd like ... whatcha think ??? ... :)

    Truly, it's obvious that you have much wisdom (not just because you've agreed with me, though that is a clue ... sorry, i couldn't resist) and all of us here could only become richer as a result of you sharing in a voice chat with us. You could speak / teach on anything you'd like. I'd be honored if you'd seriously consider this. You're more than welcome to email your response, [email protected].

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  8. MissPoetik

    MissPoetik Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanks...

    thanks everyone for your response. i have had a chance to talk to him and it's all under control. i haven't made any decisions yet, i'm taking my time. like i said before, i am a student and that is what i am focusing on right now (i graduate in 2 months). i still have a friendship with him but, as far as a relationship goes... i can't do it right now. time will only tell how things will turn out for us in the future... if it wasn't meant to be, then it will be revealed to me in a matter of time.
     
  9. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Destee I am honored, thank you so much. I would love host a voice chat. gotta get a mic first though lol. Give me a few and I'll get the ball rolling.
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Brother Sekhemu ... the honor is mine! :) Thank you so much for accepting the invitation! I can hardly wait to find out what your topic will be, i know it's going to be good! You know you can come on into voice chat without a mic, kinda get the feel for things. You don't really need anything to come in. The microphone is only if you want to speak and the speakers are only if you want to hear. Without these things it is just like any old text chat room, which works, just missing the bells and whistles. But, in the meantime, until you get that mic ... c'mon in and hang out with us. Okay? I'm there almost always. If you come in and i don't speak, it's because i'm not paying attention to the screen and have not seen you walk in, because i will surely speak when i see you! :)

    Okay, now did you say you have the mic or you're going to get the mic?! Oh, okay ... you've got to get the mic ... okay ... hmmmm ... uuhhhh ... got it yet?!! ... :)

    So looking forward to this, thank you Brother Sekhemu!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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