Black Relationships : Advice please...

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by elemlv, Apr 26, 2007.

  1. elemlv

    elemlv Member MEMBER

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    Hi new family...I just registered for the board and look forward to new and insightful conversations with all...My first pot though, is something that I need advice with...thank you in advance :)



    I was in a relationship for 6 years, last year I made it a point sit my SO down and let him know that its time to take it to the next level, get a little more serious (we were starting to have finances together, and much more), he told me that he did not want to do that and that he needed some space and that he didnt want a "serious" girlfriend..fine..I went on about my business, given him the space that he desired, well between this time I found out that he got a girlfriend after I found that out I decided to completely shut him out, well he has begged me for my friendship ( ive never heard of anyone begging for a friendship to this degree), wrote me several emails, letters, stating that he really wants our friendship to work...we were each others best friend..and I decided to let him back in just as a friend..we have endured too much and our time spent was still worth a friendship...

    A little background:At the current moment, No he is not together as fas as life wise, he has alot of issues that he needs to work on, job, money, and the list can go on...he isnt where he wants to be in life, I myself have a career, make good money, and looking into buying a home, and keep climbing the ladder. His "younger girlfriend"..is 22, no job, no car, no education, pretty 'simple', her idea of a relationship is basically time and someone to call a 'man', totally different from me and his relationship and what I require...

    This man has been nothing but real with me, and honest as he always has been, but to me he talks in riddles and bc of my complicated thinking, i run away with what he says...He told me that "its definately not me and this is where his life took us, and that right now he cant give me what I want, and that he does not want a serious relationship"...

    My questions for you all..

    Why is it that he chose this young woman with no substantial future? And when the going gets tough he choose something so "simple"? Is it because this yound 22 year old is on the same level as him "life wise"?

    Why is is that he says he does not want a serious relationship when in fact he is in a relationship?

    What is the point of this man holding on to my friendship? My uncle has told me because I am his best friend, he has that emotional, spiritual, and mental connection with me BUT he knows that he does not deserve you 'at this time' in his life while he is trying to manage and get in his life in order? So your friendship is wanted by him in the hopes that when he is ready IF he does grow up, that he still may have a chance. And that the emotions he has for me are real and what he feels for his girlfriend is manufactured and manipulated feelings,a physical outlet. Do you all think the same thing?

    Which also poses this question....is it really possible for men to feel that they dont deserve the person that they love?

    I know this is a long read but all answers are welcomed,and thank you so much!
     
  2. A007

    A007 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WELL...

    Elemlv, Welcome


    I think I have some insight into this the many will not. You see I WAS that guy when I was 22. I had a woman who was ALREADY rich, a gourmet cook, was my best friend, and in 3 years we had 1 fight...that was my fault. Soooooo, why was I not ready to take it to the next level? Because I WASN'T READY to commit FOREVER. So, I broke it off, it broke her heart because there was no apparent reason that we should not be together. And now that I look back on it...she was correct. But, at 22 some of us men believe that we still have running around to do. I certainly did. And you friend is probably just like me when he thinks that he would rather have you a a friend now and a chance later than to mess things up now and have no shot later.

    Have you heard that women mature faster than men? In some ways that is true (like desire to be committed) but in most ways it is not. See, it is in actuallity a very mature thing that he did by letting you go rather than being selfish and hold on to you WHILE he continue to run around and do his thing. Most men would have not been so unselfish.

    The reason for the other girlfriend could be a number of reasons. He doesn't like to be alone. He wanted steady "relations". He feels better about himself when he has a woman...etc. The fact of the matter is that he probably still loves you and PLANS to be with you at some point in his life. But let's get real, how many women would stay around if a man TOLD them that? So he held his tounge on the matter and just hopes that things turn out like he wants. Just my two cents from being in the same situation.
     
  3. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Hello and Welcome elemlv!:wave:

    I can't provide an answer to the questions you asked without knowing your friend personally.

    But I can tell you this, If there are things you want to build in your life, and at this time the person you want to experience these things with, want different, it's time to move on. Don't spend so much time trying to figure out why. You owe it to yourself to achieve everything you want in your life.

    If it's difficult for you separate the friendship from the past relationship, don't do the friendship until you are strong enough to stand on your own. Other wise, you may find yourself in a love triangle.

    Brush your shoulders off! Continue to go after your goals. Allow room to meet new people. Learn exactly what it is you want in a relationship and seek out people who want the same things. Don't forget to give yourself enough time to learn about them before you let them into your heart.

    Good Luck and Experience Life!

    :heart:
     
  4. elemlv

    elemlv Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for the welcome A007!

    Alot of things you said are the same things he was saying to me and I am in awe right now from your response...He is 28 but is growing SLOWER than others shall I say...This "he would rather have you a a friend now and a chance later than to mess things up now and have no shot later"..that is striking because he told me "If me and you were to be and I was to cheat or do anything of a sort, you would be gone forever right?" and I responded with "of course" and he said "exactly" also saying that "he values and thinks our friendship is worth much more than any relationship" ( I didnt understand any of this) if he would have worded it as you did, I wouldnt have thought about it so much and thought other things....

    I've came at him with all angles bc of the hurt I felt but he told me he was hurt as well and that I couldnt possibly understand how he feels and that in ways I dont know HE took the high road in all of this and that I am really NOT the victim, HE IS...I never really understood that until I just read your response...

    "He wanted steady "relations"." This is crazy that you said this, he told me "that right now he needed something "steady" because he is trying to get himself "right", I took that and went off on him AGAIN, and took as He though he couldnt get stable with ME....and he explained to me that that was not the case at all, but again I did not understand that until I read your post...

    "So he held his tounge on the matter and just hopes that things turn out like he wants"...After all was said and done he told me that he is remaining "optimistic about the future", and in one conversation told me to continue "doing what I am doing, climbing the ladder, living life, dating, but also being patient with him" and I just shrugged that comment off of my shoulder...

    Thank you so much for your insight! You have helped in more areas than you know! :) I am still in awe at your response bc you sound ALOT like him..Thank you!
     
  5. elemlv

    elemlv Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for the warm welcome!! :) Oddly enough your advice is the same as the person in question has given me (he is truly my best friend and completely honest with me in his own riddlish way) Thank you for your advice!!!! It is greatly appreciated!
     
  6. Jackeys

    Jackeys Member MEMBER

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    I just wanted to reply and say that I'm going through something similar, but mine was only 10 months, you gave him 6 years ouch. It seems as though he's a man that doesn't take well to responsiblities and to expectations. This younger lady may not expect him to be anything other than what he is. She probably isn't trying to encourage him to change his lifestyle but rather excepts him for he has because they're both on the same level.

    He probably does care about you but maybe he didn't feel like he could live up to your expectations and that's ok, because if he couldn't there's someone who will. At 22 she's still very young and is probably content with what she has or doesn't have but trust me eventually if she wants anything better for herself in life she will trade him in.

    He did you a favor and I don't think it wise to be his friend.
     
  7. elemlv

    elemlv Member MEMBER

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    Hello Jackeys!!

    You are right he is just NOW learning how to handle "responsibilities" at 28 years old, its a process for him...and I know Ive always excepted him for who he was and never asked for anything more, BUT he knows what type of woman I am, and I guess he just felt that he couldnt give me what I deserve, and thats fine! Like he said "he values my friendship more than he values any relationship right now" knowing that he is either going to "mess up" or hes not ready for that "type of relationship"..

    Youre right about the "same level" thing, they are definately on the same level her being 22 and him being 28, thats a problem in my eyes and its a problem in his eyes too, thats why he is striving to get himself together, but in the meantime, he needs someone on that level and not a notch more! Im think i am starting to see that, and that it was nothing that I did...he was actually being unselfish...in his mind he still sees things for us, but like I told him "who knows what the future may bring" I love him with all of my heart and I want everything to happen like he wants it to happen but in the meantime like he said "live life" and thats exactly what im doing...doing me! :)

    Thanks Jackeys!
     
  8. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Kudos for you elemlv!

    I'm excited for you. It's a big world with many stories to be made.
    I always thought, experiences is like collecting memories for retirement.
    When the body becomes to weak for anything else, you'll get to cash them in and live them over and over again in your mind..........

    Go live some beautiful memories!

    :jump::jump::jump::jump:

    :heart:
     
  9. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    smh

    :ref: 1. It is irrelevent what his motivations are. He has someone else. Cut him off.

    2. Sisters have made it very easy for guys to do what he's doing. Though somewhere he may know you are the better woman and in fact, better for him. He has a ready available supply of easy sex. So, that's what he goes with. The course of least resistance

    3. The real issue is why there are so many sisters out here that will be nothing more than a supply?
    :bullseye:

    4. SAY NO TO MOOKIE!!!! Cause that's what he is
     
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