Black Relationships : Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by DreamGyrl360, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. DreamGyrl360

    DreamGyrl360 Active Member MEMBER

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    Okay.

    I have a delimma.
    I have a friend. Let's call her A. A is Married to B.
    I have another friend. Let's call her C.

    I have known A since I was in second grade. A is pretty and dark skinned.
    I have known C a few years. C is pretty and light skinned.

    They are some of my best friends.

    Okay -- so. B has a thing for light skinned women. He told A that before they got married. He also told her that they probably shouldn't get married because of that. But then again, he didn't want nobody else to have her, right?
    So he married her.
    Then they met C at my house. A caught B staring at C's behind. They had an argument and he said it would never happen again.

    Due to a business deal that happened between them as a couple and C (who is her own business), they all contact each other via email and telephone.

    B started sending C inappropriate emails -- not really flirting or saying "I wanna lay with you" or whatever. But just telling her too much about he and A's relationship. C told me; I told her to tell him she wasn't comfortable with that. He got scared and stopped emailing.
    I called A and told her. Lucky for HIM, he'd told her just before I did.

    Now, because we were out at a function together this past weekend, the inappropriate emails have begun again.
    He wants to know why she didn't speak to him at the function. He tells her that was a nice blouse she had on (she has large bosooms). She doesn't reply, but she tells me.

    My problem is this -- I feel VERY torn. C tells me all of this! Am I supposed to keep it from A this time? Since it did NOTHING the first time (She said real cocky like "I know about it. He just told me." I said "...And you're okay with this?" She said "...No..." but you know, they still together so nothing came of it)?

    Should I keep my mouth shut? I love them both but if push comes to shove A will stomp a mud hole in C.
    I don't want that. I don't feel that this is 100% C's fault. She's young, low self esteem, she likes the attention. I BELIEVE (I don't KNOW) she won't sleep with him or something.

    Help me out. What should I, as a friend to either or both girls do?

    Appreciate your honest opinion...
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    why don't she block the emails and keep steppin? or forward them to A?:em0200:
     
  3. BallOfConfusion

    BallOfConfusion Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Friend A isn't very bright! You said C was "young, low self esteem, she likes the attention." But A probably has some major insecurity issues also, If a man tells you shouldn't get married, you defiantly shouldn't get married to them. You also said she had an attitude when you let her know the first time, she probably has a hint at whats going on, just doesn't want to admit it to yourself. I know it's probably hard for you, cause your friends have put awkwardly in the middle, but sit her down tell her again, if you guys have been friends for so long, in the end she'll love you for. I wouldn't suggest throwing any advise at her lol like leave him, just let her know whats going on and let her make her own decisions, she's the one that has to live with them. I just think by telling her you would take a lot of the stress off yourself.
     
  4. DreamGyrl360

    DreamGyrl360 Active Member MEMBER

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    Because, James, no matter how she's not into him, she likes the attention.
    She's got a man herself, but he's not giving her any attention. He constantly cheats on her and disappears for days at a time. They have a young child together and she gets lonely... so when B emails her, she keeps reading them.
     
  5. DreamGyrl360

    DreamGyrl360 Active Member MEMBER

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    A DOES have some insecurity issues. And, my lovely sweet friend is also not too bright(I love her but truth is truth).
    She wanted to get married because MOST of us are married now. A is 28; C is 22. So A sees everyone she knows hooking up and settling down. She's wanted it for very long and has tried to settle down with the last 4 or 5 guys (after about 2 or 3 months with each of them... she wanted this fairytale thing and it wasn't happening). He told her he didn't find dark skin attractive and that he preferred mixed-looking girls. She sometimes feels very unattractive -- specially when he's running out to strip clubs or looking at certain porn online.

    But she got so irritated when I told her. So I'm like, I don't want her to be mad at ME, the messenger.
    I would never tell her to leave him. But I hate it that she does not know.
    I called my mother last night and she told me to stay out of it because I don't know him like that; B could kill me, and here I am most of the time alone with my kids, and pregnant to boot.

    So I don't know... I still listen to my mother, but I'm still torn as well.

    Thanks for listening.
     
  6. Edward Williams

    Edward Williams Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    OK...so you've got "A", "B" and "C". This makes you "D" and me "E". Where will it end?

    Here's my suggestion, for what its worth. Call a meeting at your house with everyone involved with the purpose of solving whatever problem you think may exist. It should be stated that YOU have a problem. If YOU don't have a problem and no one has stated to YOU that they have a problem and need YOUR help solving that problem, YOU are wasting YOUR time attempting to help someone else solve a problem that they don't think exists.

    The way help works is if someone asks for your help they are ready to at least listen to suggestions you may have for helping them solve whatever problems they have. If you strike out to help someone solve a problem that you think exists but they say doesn't exist your speech and/or action becomes more of a hindrance than it does help. We all know there are some people who need help but have a problem asking for help. What should you do when you suspect someone is in need of help but it appears that person has a problem asking for help? You ask them a very simple and straightforward question when they come to you "venting" as we call it;

    What problem are we trying to solve?

    Straight and to the point. If they don’t come to you "venting", you can always ask people on a daily basis;

    Is there any problems I can help you solve today?

    ...or...

    What problems can I help you solve today?

    ...or something to that effect. In fact you can make that part of your everyday language. I have made it part of mine. When I answer my cell phone I say "Mr. Williams, how can I help you?" and people have gotten used to hearing it and it ensures the conversation has focus. Now...here's the thing...non-white people are not used to that language so we'll be taken aback initially because we have not been trained to communicate with each other constructively so that we attempt to help each other solve problems without producing more problems. We usually just throw words around so that they will have one of three effects;

    1) Make ourselves feel good
    2) Make other people feel good
    3) Make other people feel worse

    Some of your "friends" may even ask "why are you saying that?" or "why are you asking me that?". And you can just tell them "Because you are my friend girl and I care about you. Is there anything I can help you with today? I ain't tryin' to brush you off I really want to help." or something to that effect.

    That is the way to get on the road to helping people. You ask them if they need help and if they say they need help you let them know what help you're able to provide and if they agree with it you proceed to help them. Or, if someone comes right out and asks for your help without you having to ask them you let them know what help you're able to provide and if they agree with it you proceed to help them.

    Now, getting back to the scenario you raised. If they agree to the help you are able to provide then you proceed to call a meeting with everyone and focus the meeting on problem solving without attempting to tell people how to run their business...meaning the people who are attempting marriage. but make sure everything is out in the open.

    I even have the same question to you since you raised the scenario;

    What problem are we trying to solve?

    We ain't gonna get nowhere with this unless the problem is identified. We gonna end up throwing words around, like non-white people have been trained to do, to either;

    1) Make ourselves feel good
    2) Make other people feel good
    3) Make other people feel worse

    ...but the problem is still gonna be there tomorrow.
     
  7. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    you need some new friends.....
     
  8. DreamGyrl360

    DreamGyrl360 Active Member MEMBER

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    New friends would be lovely, lol.

    No, I'm kidding. I love my friends. But, B, I dont' know him. He's not my friend, never was. I only just BARELY know him.

    So hey, he MIGHT be one of those... dudes been killing ladies alot, lately. He could kill any one of us, pissed off because I **** blocked his married behind.

    I don't like him; he's making one friend look stupid and the other he's tryna turn into a whore.
     
  9. PLATINUMILLITY1

    PLATINUMILLITY1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Being in the Middle makes no resolve.....
    But which will you follow?
    What she don't Know won't hurt Her......
    or
    Knowledge is truth
    or
    The Truth wil set you free...
    (2 is fine:))
    You have to do what is best forall of you...because he OBVIOUSLY is not stupid...You said yourself he told his wife FIRST!
    He is a WONDERFUL MAINIPULATOR!!!
    He know he has been hurting YOU TOO
    and as far as that is concerned, you have been letting him just as much as C
    Beacause you are sitting on it..
    If Home girl A can not accept that her Very Good Friend is telling her truth she needs to hear....then it is Obvious that this friendship can not continue...

    :hearts2:
     
  10. Zulile

    Zulile Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hello Dreamgyrl360 :wave: Welcome to Destee :heart:

    You are missing the boat on this one.

    B is the donkeys butt.

    C is not your friend - she has proven to be untrustworthy by going back for seconds in a game she knows causes you and A pain. C could step out of this triangle with ease, but chose not to - that says much. A woman who intentionally hurts another woman for the eye of an untrustworthy man, is of no value to you.

    A has issues - hurting herself above all others - you can serve this friendship best by being firm in your own beliefs.

    This isnt about A, B or C - it's about D (you) the morals and values you carry for yourself and the people you choose to be your friends and close to you. B & C you should not be thinking twice about. Dump them. They will continue to be issues all on their own - without A, B or C. Their characters demonstrate this already.

    If A is being made to look like a fool - she likely needs support to get out of it, rather than just another preaching player in the game - which you currently are.
     
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