Black Women : A Wounded Soul

Discussion in 'Black Women - Mothers - Sisters - Daughters' started by Jaya Makara, Jun 7, 2013.

  1. Jaya Makara

    Jaya Makara Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have a situation Destee family and I need help with this one

    A young lady is in a relationship with a man who blames her for their issues.
    He was married when they met and she was unaware.
    He lied to her about who he was and what he did.
    She is heart broken because she loves him.
    Here is where the story gets crazy
    She was dating him but was dealing with other guys because he constantly broke up with her
    While she was pregnant he busted her ear drum and bruised her rib cage.
    She has been dealing with his lies and games for about 4yrs
    She herself too is becoming like him and now he has "changed"
    He puts her down but tells her he loves her
    The moment they fight she is a hoe, whore and he brings up her past
    She asked me what she can do to fix her relationship with this man and I am baffled.
    I am brutally honest but do not want to hurt this girl.
    What can I tell her?
     
  2. Alarm Clock

    Alarm Clock Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Tell her what the Het Heru in you tells you to tell her and you will never go wrong! No one has ever given her anything on that level,and maybe subconsciously that may retrigger and restore her self esteem [​IMG]
     
  3. Alarm Clock

    Alarm Clock Well-Known Member MEMBER

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  4. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    My experience has taught me that most women in this situation already know the answer to the question they pose for someone else to respond to.

    I had a dear friend who was involved in an abusive relationship, very similar to the one that you described, Sis. Jaya. She was beautiful, intelligent and, knowing her as well as I did, she also had a keen sense of positive behavior and negative behavior.

    Unfortunately she loved a man who was a liar, a cheat and a user. At first, she suffered the abuse in silence. There was verbal and physical abuse. As things escalated and she could no longer hide the bruises, she would come to me and we would talk for hours about her feelings and her situation. I asked her what she wanted to do. She loved him and didn't want to leave him.

    He was a person that had anger issues and when he put her in the hospital after causing her to miscarry their child, I begged her to leave him because I feared for her life. But even after that, she still wasn't ready to end the relationship.

    The typical makeup sex...more "baby I won't do that anymore--please forgive me" and they'd be back together. At some point when I realized she wasn't going to save herself, I decided I needed to preserve my own sanity.

    I began to think that maybe the best that I could do for her was to be there for her, to be a support network for her as she struggled to find her way through this darkness. Instead of talking and trying to persuade her to do what I thought was best for her, I became a listener. I can't tell you the number of times she would ask..."What do you think I should do?" It was hard, but I would not utter a word in the form of a reply. I would simply reach for her hand and hold it in mine and look deeply into her eyes with as much compassion as I could muster. At first, she would fidget in her chair and quickly look away and stare into space, but she wouldn't leave him. It took a few times for this ritual to occur when would come to me and want me to be her sounding board. One day though, when I stared at her she didn't look away. As tears welled up in both of our eyes, we hugged and that was the day she decided to leave him. She did soon after that and never looked back. Today, she is a much happier person and I think it's because she reached the point when she had had enough and it was her decision in the end to leave him and not mine.

    I've known other women similarly and what I've learned is that it's not always easy to do what you know is best for you. Some of us lose ourselves in our relationships and suffer as a result.

    Bro. AC's suggestion is a sound one, in my opinion. The answer is always within us but sometimes we need help in finding it and allowing it to surface without fear to do what is necessary to get us out of harm's way.
     
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  5. Jaya Makara

    Jaya Makara Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Women can be so resistant especially if they think that they are in love. She is head over heels for him and i can't understand why. There were lies on both parts and just so much drama. I don't see why she won't run for the hills. She has been in the hospital twice.
     
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