Poetry Critiques : A Hearts soul ... intro 1

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by MzBlkAngel, Jan 30, 2005.

  1. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Khasm....QQn hmmm here ya go .. :)

    My love advanced to new heights
    Like the midnight star dancing
    In waves…body Prancing in tune
    Like a soft melody playing in the wind
    Riding streamers of grace as we
    ……………Interlace in
    Something special
    If loving you is wrong
    …………… I do not want to be right
    Not this time as we take this road
    The blind can lead the blind…and
    Still see the sun…and feel the moon
    The awakening of a love affair
    Undeniable touches and being untouched
    But yet touched under the river flow of love
    The science of our destiny
    The coming of anew
    As we bond….
    Baby, if loving you is wrong
    I don’t want to be right
    Not to night or any other night
    Kiss my soul take my love
    And moaning as we roam
    …………This dream
    Within the wind my soul cries of passion
    ……………… To release
    My spirit sings the lullaby of us
    Turning all my wrongs to rights
    Reaching in the depths
    ………………Of my being
    Caressing in the waves of a perfect waterfall
    Perfection of stimulation with mental nurturing
    Of a sensual conversation taking us to pleasure
    Like a love that came from
    A dream within
    A fairytale’s
    Lost story…..
    Loving you for me is right

    (c) 2005
    New vision
    chp 2
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    welcome to the deep waters side mba...where us poets will learn to hold our breath a bit longer ;)...thanks for droping one of your pieces over here...ok, let's go

    firstly let me express to you how this poem made me feel after reading it. i took this poem as a heart opening up to a new love. not only is this love physical in nature, it is also mental and spiritual. the poem had nice images of the night and water...these two concepts are very sensual and help portray the feelings you manifest inside. envoleped in water is how everyone on this earth comes into creation and most of the actual conceptions of these creations happen at night...that was the best parts of this piece to me....now, some pointers on things that i would change in this piece...

    If loving you is wrong
    …………… I do not want to be right


    this seems to be your central concept in this poem...later on you say..

    Baby, if loving you is wrong
    I don’t want to be right


    i think that it would flow alot better if you kept these two statements the same...either use do not on both parts or don't on both parts.

    this is a free verse piece...much like my own stuff, it does not have a select form...the pattern is crafted inside the poets head. for most of the poem you do not rhyme...and thas ok...all poems do not have to rhyme...it is not a requirement...in my eyes, the best poems that do not rhyme are highly descriptive pieces...maybe you can play a little more on the night and water theme you have going on. it might add a little more zest to this piece.

    last thing...could you explain this line to me...i got a lil confused at the end.

    Like a love that came from
    A dream within
    A fairytale’s
    Lost story…..
    Loving you for me is right


    a fairytale's lost story?...you had me going until i read this...hit me back and let a brotha know what you meant by this...otherwise, thas all i got on this piece...your one of the better writters on the board so there wasn't really too much bad in my eyes with this piece...keep writting and let's get our growth on...

    one love
    khasm





     
  3. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for the warm welcome and taking the time out to read and

    reply...got a sister blushing.....Happy you enjoyed and felt the vibe I was

    trying to deliver. This was great wow. I am gonna look forward to posting

    more you gave a great reply and besides your one of my favorite Poets on

    the site so this was way kewl!!!! That you was my first got me feeling like a

    virgin :lol: Ok here we go.....

    You was reading my mind. I like the Baby, if loving you is wrong I

    don’t want to be right
    I was not feeling do not part either

    but as a habit I rarely change my first thoughts just build around them. I

    agree on that part.


    Like a love that came from A dream within A fairytale’s Lost story…..

    Loving you for me is right


    I will try to explain the best I can,most of the time if it fits my feeling or

    mood at that time I twist and invent a meaning....to me the lines stands for

    something that is not impossible to make like the molding of a fairytale is not

    lost but perhaps a beginning of something. And that love finally feels right.


    I hope you understand.....

    :time: keep writing and get our growth on...

    Thank you for your input
    Peace
    Angel

    :climb:
     
  4. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Mz Angel

    To me, this peace was about expressing your love for your man...and how being in love made you feel. You described how it feels to be in love mentally, physically, and spiritually; and what you would do to keep it.

    I really enjoyed this peace. :D
     
  5. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you money I am happy you likes and yes it speaks of just that......Angel
     
  6. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Heart and Soul

    This piece is all Heart and Soul, expressing love, and the excitement of being in love. It succeeds in doing just that. This extremely talented poetess also has charisma, and with time should master the discipline of structure. Her heart is certainly in the right place. ~ :luvv:
     
  7. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you 1Poet happy you likes and thanks for the nice words they humble me....Angel
     
  8. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this poem stayed on point and was deeply felt
    i love how u took it right into a heart and it was
    well written sista ...no changes needed
     
  9. dymondtanae

    dymondtanae Member MEMBER

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    This peace pulled me in, because I can relate. You have a way with words
    there is beauty in poetry ma keep doing your thing
     
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