Black Relationships : A Friend With Benefits

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by MsInterpret, Jun 17, 2011.

  1. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    8,999
    Likes Received:
    5,440
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Washington
    Ratings:
    +5,448
    I am a woman who feels comfortable about her sexuality. However, I am also a woman who is not seeking a committed relationship as of right now. I, like most women, have "needs". And I still want certain physical things from a man, not just sex, but to be held at night, great conversation, and some eye candy. But no commitment what so ever.

    In the day we will not speak, unless necessary. But at night, I am his and he is mine.

    No drama. We are still free to see other people. No jealousy. PERIOD.

    Do I want my cake and eat it too? Hell yes.

    But like everything, comes a price, or a risk. Emotional attachment.

    Last night I was out, and I saw an old friend of my from high-school. And who also was out last night was the guy who is my "friend w/ benefits".

    To give you a little background on my "friend", he and I have had a sexual relationship going on for 3 years. We don't go out on dates we just have sex.

    The other night I was at his house and he told me that he sometimes feels a little bad about our situation. And it confused me what he said next. He said "I don't want to be the reason that you and another man don't work out."
    And I told him that if I were to ever be in a relationship with another man, him and I would no longer sleep together. So, I am not sure as to why he brought that up. I almost get the feeling that that is not what he means and he means to really say that he doesn't want to get hurt.

    So, last night. I could sense he did not like me hanging out with my friend from HS. He sat in his chair and kept his back to me the whole night and then left early. When I got him I received a text from him that said "Hey," and that was it. I didn't respond back because I was too tired.

    There have been occasions where I have seen him out with other women, and he has seen me on dates with other guys.

    Last year when I was in a relationship with someone, he was always questioning me about if I was still with "North Carolina" (that's the nickname he gave my bf).

    He has said before that he does not want to be in a relationship right now.

    I have expressed to him that I think he is a great man and that I hope he will one day find the right woman.

    I never want to hurt him, because he is more than a "friend with benefits", I actually really do care for him and have love for him, and if he has ever needed something before or even the future I will always be there for him.

    I just don't know what to do.
     
  2. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2009
    Messages:
    984
    Likes Received:
    246
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Ratings:
    +246
    to clear one thing ur "needs" arent actual needs....there wants =P

    second perhaps he likes you? but wont say it?
     
  3. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    8,999
    Likes Received:
    5,440
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Washington
    Ratings:
    +5,448
    "needs" means sex
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    Dear.....I just don't know what to do.

    True you want your cake and eat it too
    which can be selfish to an degree which can be displayed or come off wrong
    now if you two have this agreement as friends to be with benefits and it don't
    hurt the friendship there's nothinh wrong with that .
    Even at the time y'all agreed on it over the course of time 3 years i may add
    being partners sharing bed sometime come with a price which is called the heart
    when the heart get into the mix there will be feelings / emotions and acts of
    painful stuff the party won't like , seem like he have reached that place .

    what could happen is a nother sit down so each can express themselves openly
    maybe it's time to move into another faze or drop it all together before someone
    get hurt in the mist of a selfish twist to have it all your way !

    Be friends who will be there for each other and let the bedroom die or you will end up
    hurting this very one you care about and value as a benefit friend , sure he didn't like it
    because now he wants more then you willing to give , this what is known as a cat and mouse game
    from what i read i see you really care for him as he to you but no-one is willing
    to say it or drop there guns on the bedroom acts and look deeper into what may be there
    playing house come with hurt and pain remember that !

    beware of act II sis and good luck
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    one more thing to remember

    The easiest way to lose someone or something is to want it too much
    bake the cake but don't always eat it , allow self to love be loved in sharing
    it's the true beauty in fulfilling needs as such and health too.
     
  6. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

    Country:
    Japan
    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2009
    Messages:
    8,757
    Likes Received:
    5,870
    Occupation:
    independent thoughtist thinker, context linker
    Location:
    theory to application to discussion to percussion
    Ratings:
    +6,043
    You and this guy are actually in a dysfunctional long term relationship. Because you dont talk during the day doesnt mean anything.. and it doesnt mean anything because you engage in activities far more intimate than talking. What makes it dysfunctional is that you guys insist on giving your activities a title,
    Friends With Benefits , that attempts to re-define your relationship in emotionally-safe terms. As if simply changing the title actually changes what it really is. It doesn't. And it doesnt mute the feelings that inevitably come along with intimacy. Saying he is just a friend with benefits is a protection mechanism designed to protect you from the emotional pain of rejection.. or betrayal.. etc.. But its really just a rationalization.

    I know our sex obsessed society through cinema and porn and tv often floats the idea that its possible to have sex with no emotion being involved.. but that is bull****.. if there is sex happening, there is emotion involved.. and if there is sex happening for 3 years.. there is a lot of emotion involved.. whether you admit it or not.. The two of you are holding each other in limbo.. afraid to commit to taking a chance on something that may not work out.. All that stands between you is information.. ideas about how things are supposed to be.. about how you want things to happen.. your ideals are in your way.. and if I may be so bold and sweeping and general.. Ill go out on a limb and say, that your situation is a microcosm for young black america.. held back from each other by dreams.. rejecting reality for an ideal.. You are the condition of the black family.. A woman, A child and A man.. separated by nothing more than ideas.. . a family divided against itself in the name of selfish pursuits.. its the american way.. I, me, mine.. combined with an obsessive compulsive desire for seeing things happen in exactly the way they are dreamed.. wake up.

    my 2 cents.. I hope it works out for you.
     
  7. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2009
    Messages:
    984
    Likes Received:
    246
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Ratings:
    +246
    i actually like this way of putting it
     
  8. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2009
    Messages:
    984
    Likes Received:
    246
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Ratings:
    +246
    again not truly a need but this thread isnt about that however
     
  9. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    8,999
    Likes Received:
    5,440
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Washington
    Ratings:
    +5,448
    Okay Dr Phill(s)
    Um we are not in a relationship of the kind you speak of...Friends with benefits is a type of a relationship, as is a friendship
    It is nothing more and nothing less....You can have sex with someone and NOT be boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife.
    And I'm sure most of you are aware of this....if you are an adult to say the least
     
  10. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    8,999
    Likes Received:
    5,440
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Washington
    Ratings:
    +5,448
    And it's not dysfunctional....I have been in committed relationships that were dysfunctional....I have far less issues with him other than this minor flaws.
    I've never argued with him unless we were talking politics or religion...At the end of the day he is not my man
     
Loading...