Black Relationships : A Baby Daddy and His Drama

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by sunny01, Mar 4, 2005.

  1. sunny01

    sunny01 Active Member MEMBER

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    I'm a 27 year old woman who's very accomplished. I have my own business and hold two bachelors degrees. My dilemma is that I met a man a year ago who I became friends with that I knew had an interest in me. We decided to take things slowly, and I have to admit that he was completely honest with me about his life. He was very respectful because he knew me before I knew him and thought that I was a very together woman who was independent and strong, and knows what she wants. It was very nice to be with him because he was very sweet and genuine My only problem is that he has a young child with another woman!!!! This is a hard situation for me because he and I are now engaged, but I don't know if I can deal with his past. There were things that transpired between us in the beginning of the relationship when we weren't serious that made me uneasy and develop mistrust such as: He stayed in the same house with his baby mamma when his mother came to visit for Mother's Day because his mother was there. Also, before I came in the pic he allowed his baby mamma to occupy one of his properties for a short time, but she stayed there for a time while we began to become more
    serious and he was paying half of the mortgage along with the other investor.
    He did this because he invests in property and had to have someone reside there. Yeah right!!!! I'm beginning to hate him for this and his decisions, and am starting to overwork my mind and despise him immensely. I feel I'm very accomplished and don't want to be critical, but I lived my life on a certain standard which he didn't. I know that he loves me, but sometimes I just want to stay with him to use him and then leave when I find a "childless" man who is established. I have grown to hate the situation, and don't know if I'll ever accept the child, and me dealing with the baby mamma is out of the question. Although they're over I hate I have to deal with them for another 15 yrs. However apart of me feels that he is very honest and and can't help that this woman was insecure and desperate to be with him at all cost instead of waiting for a proposal like me. Also, he was young and was immature and stupid too.
    Any advice will help. I'm tortured by my thoughts!!!!
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Sunny01.... surely he has been very honest with you and he have shown
    you in every way his confessed love , before your time a child was born
    as father and a man his rights and loyality is to care for his little one at all
    cost as well , Right now you are being very selfish and how can u not accept
    his child which is a part of him this brutha have went as far to put this woman
    out to please you with his honesty and respect to you how can you dis trust him
    you are working your wealth as a tool and selfishness against a good man

    You have flicked this self hate in your heart and allowing self to go through changes
    how can u be engage when it's a ready problem you hold and then u say use him
    take him yet you cry out u feel for him sista you are working under false flicked love
    allow him to fine a woman who will accept him & his child and u should move on
    get a single man with no children or be alone because you have issues, he have been
    what seem to be a very good man .......there are millions of thugs with no kids
    the next man might feel the same about you and take your money !
    what you are doing to him is dis loyality and wrong to hate him for having a child
    and not accepting his offspring , you making drama where their is none what you like
    salvge is a man with no children he need to let go and move forward and u the same.
    Good luck and learn to love & honor it will carry you much higher then hate and deceit.
     
  3. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ditto


    I more than anyone perhaps know more and can help you with your situation because your situation sounds like mine. I was in your fiancees' situation when I dated my present wife. Honestly there will as ways be an emotional attachment between men and women that share a child. In the begin me and my wifes relationship in my attemp to bring closure to my childs mother and myself I wrote a letter to my childs mother and got bared my heart and my soul. At that time I still had much love her but we couldn't get along with eachother. I have learned where there's intense distain or dislike for someone there was once intense love. My wife who was my girlfriend at the time found the letter and needless to say she was highly upset. I was honest with her and told her I still had feels for my childs mom but we couldn't be together because we were toxic and there was to much water under the bridge. I also told her I loved her and she was my future. She still was apprehensive about my involvement with my childs mom. It wasn't until we got married that her insecurities were put to rest. She kept that letter though. About 6 months into the marriage I found it and with her present tore up and threw it away. Our love grows stronger everyday. In the meantime I saw my child falling by the wayside because his mom was not stable in her life. I decided I would get custody of my son before he became a statistic. During that time I didn't have the money to go to court so sometime my childs mom really made me bend over backward to get what I wanted. I was paying electric bills to keep lights on at her house, brought groceries and paid all my sons medical bills in addition to paying child support and his daycare. My son was dressed in the cheapest inappropriate clothes any mother could ever buy. So yes I also clothed my child as well. My wife was furious but patient. Eventually got myself in a position where I centered my life around my son. He was accomdated with his own space, I work nights so we can go over homework and I drop by his school from time to time. Things eventually worked themselves out and fell into place. I never spent the night in the same house with her nor did I hide any contact I had with my sons mom from my wife. So the point to all this is is your fiancees' relationship with his childs mom about the child or them? Is he trying to gain custody of his child? Will there be a space for his child at you all's home when you two marry? Does he jump everytime she calls and wants something? Is he actively trying to solve that problem? How well does his childs mom know you and you know her? These are some important questions you need answers to. See where he's coming from first before you make any conclusions. Be patient when necessary and stay focused on the big picture. Most importantly trust your instincts, keep him honest and give him support when he needs it. The love you have is strong enough things will get better, I promise you they will. God bless.


    Peace

    Radical Faith
     
  4. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sister Sunny01:

    These are not the thoughts that a person should be having towards one they are about to marry. I am not criticizing you for how you feel, it is your right to decide not to deal with a man's children or baby's mother (I really hate that term). However if this is how you feel, then you already know the answer to your question. You don't marry someone because they love you! You marry someone because they love you, and you love them as much in return! You've made it pretty clear that this in not the case for you & your fiance. If you think there is someone better out there for you, then there is. Don't proceed with a marriage that is doomed from the start!
     
  5. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have a few questions. Is the problem only that he has a child? Or is the problem that he has involvement with his ex, and you feel he still has feelings for her? Do you feel he has been dishonest about the entire situation? If he is unsure of his feelings or has been dishonest, then you have reason to be leary. If the only problem is the child, and you feel you cannot get over this, or accept the child, then you need to move on. Think of it this way, if you had a child from a past relationship, and met someone new, wouldn't you want him to accept your child? Just something to think about.
     
  6. LibertyLady

    LibertyLady Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Dear sunny ....:heart:

    ask yourself if you love him....
    So that you can conntinued this relationship on a goor ground...
    If you realy love him....
    ├Żou will love the child to cause he is a part of him...
    remember that the child is just a child and he didnt choose it that things are that way..
    and just know that this child can love you to...
    and if any child in this world loves you than that is a blessing...



    If this was all happening before you met.....
    the drama....dont let the drama become youre...
    he will have to deal with that himself ...
    you can only support him in a good way...
    by standing beside him...
    and his child....


    If you know that he besides everything loves you...
    he is honest .knows himself...
    that he doesnt lie to you....
    that he Choosed to be with you ...
    that it is treu love......


    than i advise you to take that love in...


    experiance it...
    there are alot of people looking for it...
    Dont think that you are less special....

    and Put god first in youre life above everything...
    you will see that those thoughts will dissapear...
    cause you will have his love in you ...
    and you will send it out...
    You are a beautifull woman...
    dont let this destroy you...and youre beautifull heart...



    I may come back to give you..
    some more advise ..
    unless everything has already been said that must been said...
    and i see up here the others have done a good job to..



    Much love and Aplha and Omega Guidance:heart:
     
  7. sunny01

    sunny01 Active Member MEMBER

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    THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HONESTY!

    I read all of the replies and God Bless you all for your help. I know I said some harsh things, but it had nothing to do with the child. It turns out the baby's mother already knew about me from his family. He tried to arrange a meeting among us and she became overly hostile. She had a ghetto fit, and a pity party about how we were trying to make her miserable. What is absurd is that he obviously didn't want her in the past because he cheated on her constantly, and the writing was on the wall that even then he was being a young player that had no intentions on committing to a serious relationship because he took no interest and unfortunately cheated for a long time,yet she was insecure and stayed. However, even after all the abuse she's a glutton for punishment. She just doesn't get it even though she knows we're to be married. She is desperate and even more pathetic. People will respect you only when you respect yourself. There are just some things you don't do for anyone, and holding onto a man who has long moved on is one of them! If she was over the situation and done with him it would register that he never respected her and it was something just in the meantime for him, and now it's time to move on with her life. It's OVER FOR HIM!!! She's jealous and foolish because of all the things that he does for me and he never cared enough to do for her. It's sad, but it is what it is. Timing is so important in relationships, and people just don' get it!!! He tried to put us together for the sake of the child, but her bitterness has gotten in the way of her sanity, and self control. After all this time she's holding on to a dream that will never happen for her with him, and she's angry at herself and us. She won't even try for the sake of her child and she's supposed to be older and wiser, but she's petty and frustrated. I think it's sickening that she cursed him out and said we're making her more miserable and that she had been through enough, and that she felt we didn't deserve to be together and happy!!!!! What she has yet to process is that she was miserable years ago because HE DIDN'T WANT HER, AND PROVED IT EVERYDAY!!!! She chose to be a doormat. At anytime even if it hurts we know when to say when, and then you suffer through it. We all experience break ups, but you get over it. It's better to go through pain one time than ever day with a man who isn't ready or want you in a serious relationship. Time allows everyone to find someone, but her feable mind cannot and will not process this. So sad. She should hate herself for having no self love, or ability to accept rejection and move on from it!!! People show you who they are everyday. We as people refuse to listen.
    For now, I feel I have more clarity, we tried to no avail, but it's time to move on. I want to continue to grow with my fiance, and love him trully and deeply, just as he does me. Thank you all so much for your insight it really helped me to reach into my heart!!!! One day we will have children of our own and hopefully she'll care enough about her daughter to be nicer about the arrangement especially since my man has stepped up to be a responsible father unlike many men, and take care of his child, if not I suppose her child may suffer the most!!!
     
  8. Joyce

    Joyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hmmm...since you're asking for some opinions, here's mine.

    Seeing that you are a strong and independent black woman and all...look at your situation from the outside...in for about 3 months. That way you will get a sharper focus on what's going on and then you will be able to come to a conclusive point on what you should really do. Are you strong and independent enough for this because it's gonna hurt (ouch) to do this but it will definitely give your mind AND your heart a clear picture on what you should do. I hope you know that this means no communication with him at all, whatsoever...just meditation and thought and lots of prayer. At the end of 90 days you should know whether you want to share your life with him. My sister did exactly this and married a fine man. She was in the exact situation as you, plus she was almost 10 years older than he. She waited though...longer than 90 days, but when she made up her mind to marry him, it was clear to her, myself and others that she made the right choice. And after 9 years we all know that her decision was a good one.

    Now your situation may be different, but I adjure you to step away from it for 90 days and clear your mind and heart and pray on it.

    I wish the best for you.

    -joyce
     
  9. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Sister Sunny ... since you did ask for opinions ... i have one ... or two ... :)

    Yes, you did share some very harsh things about your soon to be step-daughter's Mother. You continued to do so in your 2nd post as well. To me, this says more about you than it does about her. You talked of your great successes, and her failed attempts at even trying to expect the happiness you've worked so hard to attain.

    I think you're coming down very hard on her, because you've fallen in love with a man that brings such a situation to the table, for you to have to deal with ... as though it's all her fault ... that your planned wedding and life of bliss has this glitch in it.

    You chose him. You chose this life. Either you fully accept what you've chosen, or you don't. It is not her fault.

    You said ... I know I said some harsh things, but it had nothing to do with the child.

    Sister ... it is IMPOSSIBLE to say or feel harsh things about a child's parent, and it have nothing to do with the child. That is impossible, because they are connected. Please, don't go another step further, without recognizing this. No matter how much you "pretend" to like the child's Mother ... the truth will manifest itself ... and the results can be very ugly.

    If you love this man like you say you do ... you should challenge yourself to respect the Mother of his child. She is as much a Sister as you are, rightly deserving kind considerations, regardless of her life choices. If you can't do this, then you should probably not enter a life-long relationship with her ... because that is what you're planning to do.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  10. sunny01

    sunny01 Active Member MEMBER

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    Thank you again

    I appreciate your honesty. I will pity her because she can't let go, but as far as respect is concerned, she needs to get some for herself before I or anyone else can respect her. She's ghetto and hoodish,and that's scary The girl literally cursed him out and me for no reason.I don't even know this person, and she has animosity towards me. She should be mad at her pathetic self for having no self love. When do women let go of something that was never theirs??!!!! She's a tortured soul, and I refuse to let her get the satisfaction of making us miserable. But I will invite her to my wedding!!!! LOL!!!!! I can't feel anything postitive for her because she despises me because she's still trapped in yesteryear, and he's long moved on. It's her ridiculous ghetto attitude that will make it hard for us to get along. I tried to deal with the situation, but she blatantly stated, "that we don't deserve to live happily ever after while she's miserable!!!" UH, how dumb can she be?? She was miserable when he was leading her on years ago, and the writing was on the wall that he wasn't trying be serious or settle down, but she was older and obviously more desperate but not wiser. I thought women matured faster than men?!! My how the world has changed. Once again,"people show you who they are!!!" For now, I'm willing to accept the situation, but can she!!??? If not I suppose that it will inevitably more dramatic for her than for me, my fiance, and our future children. Beauty vs. the Beast!! Round one ding ding!!!! LOL. Oh yeah, pretty girls don't fight!!
     
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