Black People : 8 Reasons For Marital Failure Amongst African Americans

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by oldsoul, Nov 7, 2011.

  1. OldSoul

    OldSoul Permanent Black Man PREMIUM MEMBER

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    "money buys pleasure, it can never buy happiness"
    8 Reasons For Marital Failure Amongst African Americans
    By Dr. Umar Abdullah-Johnson, Psy.D., NCSP, M.Ed.
    [​IMG]
    Discussions about the epidemic are everywhere, from the latest best-selling novels to academic discussions on college campuses, to passionate discussions between Frat brothers & Sister circles. The question everyone wants answered is "WHY?" Unfortunately, many of the traditional reasons you have been given for the premature romantic meltdowns amongst Blacks are inaccurate and insufficient. These very same factors were present when successful Black marriages, created 30 or 40 years ago, were forged but yet many a couple managed to stay together.
    As a child therapist, who spends much of my time navigating the parental relationship in order to create an atmosphere of normalcy in which our children can function, and as a doctor of clinical psychology, who studies the emotional and psychological conditions that give rise to relationship difficulties that are unique to African-Americans, I have discovered that there are several themes running through failed families that if brought to your consciousness may help you escape a dead end relationship, or be able to help resuscitate a dying one back into new life
    With nearly most Black children being reared in single parent households it shouldn't come as a surprise that the ADHD diagnosis has been on the rise, which in most cases has nothing to do with any neurologically-based brain dysfunction, but rather a family-based emotional dysfunction that I refer to sarcastically but truthfully as "Absence of Daddy from Home Disorder," which is the real ADHD. If we want to save the Black community, we have to save the Black family, for if the most essential of institutions is destroyed then almost no other can function effectively.

    1) SEARCHING FOR SECURITY: UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS FROM CHILDHOOD -Because so many of us either come from families that were dysfunctional, or had relationships with parents that were dysfunctional, it's not difficult to understand how one's unconscious conflicts may lead you on a search to find what you never had (i.e., SECURE ATTACHMENT TO A CAREGIVER, ATTENTION, ACCEPTANCE, LOVE/INTIMACY, APPROVAL, TRUST, RECIPROCITY). Because one's relationship behavior, under such circumstances, is largely under the control of unconscious impulses it should come as no surprise to you that selfishness ranks at the top of the list of reasons for relationship dissatisfaction. When your dating or mating behavior is largely driven by an unmet childhood need, your partner simply becomes a means to an end, but NOT the end itself. Thusly, you end up using and exploiting them, for what they can give to you, without offering anything in return. You must become conscious of how your poor relationships with parents, or siblings, is continuing to play out in your romantic behavior, transforming you into an exploiter or victim of emotional exploitation. Before settling down, you'd being doing yourself a huge favor by having an in-depth discussion with your bride or groom to be, to ensure their reasons for marriage are not based upon attempting to overcome childhood insecurities that have plagued them for most of their lives.

    2) SELF-HATRED: LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU - Many people are their own worse enemy but are totally unconscious of this fact. When something goes wrong in your life do you chalk it up to a learning experience, or human error, or are you one of many Blacks who begins to replay old abusive audiotapes from memory, with your parents' voices (or older siblings) disguised as your own. Do you beat yourself up without mercy, or are you able to comfort yourself when you make mistakes. If your inner voice is that of an abusive and overly punitive parent, chances are you suffer from self-hatred, and it is this self-hatred that is driving you to find a mate who can put out your self-inflicted emotional arson with their cool waters of love and compassion. You can spend a significant portion of your life trying to find love until you come to the realization that you will not be able to reciprocate the love you find if you do not ALREADY love yourself. No matter how much another person loves you, until you love yourself, you will never be able to love them in return appropriately or effectively. In fact, they may choose to walk away from the arrangement after having their emotional forces sucked dry without reciprocity. You don't need a lover, you need a therapist.

    6) TYRANNY OF YOUR INNER CHILD: THE PAIN BODY EXPERIENCE - Everyone, regardless of Race, has a pain body. An inner child who has never really grown up, and has been wounded in some way during our earlier years. This inner child usually sleeps and never bothers us until something happens, usually something that causes an intense insecurity, embarrassment or fear, sufficient enough to awake the sleeping inner kid and causes him/her to have a temper tantrum. When we date we are usually selling our conscious better selves to our partner, like a good salesperson we tend to hide, consciously or unconsciously, the negative aspects of our character, which tend to reveal themselves until an experience occurs that lessens our ego's desire to hide its TRUE SELF. So you've been dating for 3 years and now she's pregnant, or the two of you decide to co-habitate, or get engaged, or get married. Now, finally, the real you will begin to reveal itself. That's right, not just the positive side of your personality that has been on display the past 3 years, but the negative side of your personality is about to show itself for the very first time, and in full effect. Once your partner's pain body has been awaken, that tyrannical inner child, you are face-to-face with a person that you never really knew. You have never seen him/her under real stress until now, and you realize you have been sold a false personality picture, and you thusly decide it's time to end a situation that has been 3 years in the making but only 3 months in duration. This is why most Black divorcees do so within 2 years of jumping the broom - they never saw their partner's pain body until it's too late. That is why, as a therapist, I am in full support, despite opposition of religious circles, that pre-marital co-habitation is a must. Only when you actually share 24 hrs a day with your mate-to-be will you truly be able to assess who they really are. It is so very easy to hide one's negative traits behind a false facade of being the "perfect catch." Until you have seen his/her pain body, regardless of how many years into the relationship, you are still dating a stranger.

     
  2. blackeyes

    blackeyes Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    "7) WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON: THE CLASH OF VALUES - One of the biggest misconceptions regarding Black marriage is the need to have things in common. This is so not true, you don't need to have anything in common (i.e, careers, hobbies, interests, etc) EXCEPT VALUES"

    I don't know about that one Brother Umar but I agree w/ the others.
     
  3. Ankhur

    Ankhur Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Culture was/is the fence that protects any group of people from those pathologies,
    and it was one of the reasons why African culture was surgically removed from us.

    The lack of these pathologies can be seen in second generation, Africa-focused-Black communities,
    like Ausar Auset, and the Nation of Islam, who have created new cultures for protection and prosperity.
    Broken homes, marital turmoil, divorce, seperation, abuse of all kinds, intimacy trauma,
    are all very profitable to the Corporate Oligarchy,

    and one of the reasons why COINTELPRO, worked so hard to try to destroy the Afrocentric Movement
     
  4. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    so true. we try to hide our TRUE SELF...trying to get in.

    in my book on relationships, chapter one talks about "GET TO KNOW ME." in getting to know someone, it is incumbent upon you to "get to know" the person you're with. however, that presupposes that the person you're with want you to know him/her. that's not always true. in actively getting to know someone, you have to judge everything about them...including their body language. listen to everything they have to say...and store it away for future reference. not to throw it up in their face, but to verify the accuracy of what they're saying. A LIE WILL EVENTUALLY SHOW ITSELF. stop discarding those contradictions. call them on it. clear the air. that's your job...in getting to know someone. if there is a hidden agenda, it's better to expose it before marriage.

    KNOW THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH.
     
  5. Each1teach1

    Each1teach1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think if every black person in the world took this point home wed have a better place...sadly because people do not plan their lives and were never taught to do so, parents are so busy trying to keep a roof over the heads and food on the table their is no time for a sincere sit down about these kinds of things
     
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