Black Relationships : How Important is Black Love

cursed heart said:
Yeah I know ibrahim.
They say love happens when you least expect it!
Have you ever met someone thinking yeah maybe this is the one.
Things are going good and then bammmmm it's over.
I married at 19 and divorced at 22. I had my fun during that time.At 25 I wanted a meaningful relationship .It never happened quite the way I wanted it to.From 25- 30 which I will be on Valentines Day it's been heartbreaking and dissapointing.I'm actually jealous of my friends and family who've found love. What is the secret? I've done just about everything to make my relationships work.What went wrong? Should I mistreat them?,stop cooking?,stop sex, ignore them?

I was engaged at 19 to a beautiful young lady (black of course) who I believed to be the love of my life. Just short of my 20th birthday, she broke up with me. I was heartbroken at time, but hindsight revealed that to be a blessing in disguise. We were not compatible, we came from different home environments, with different values, and different interest. It was a relationship that was doomed from the start, but my inexperience with women, and the world in general, made me unable to see obvious signs of incompatibility. This is not uncommon which young marriages and engagements, and it is why so many of them end in failure.

More often than not, the 1st "good thing" that crosses our path is not the one we are meant to be with. What attracts a person (meets their physical, emotional & spiritual needs) at 18 is usually different from what attracts them at 25, and can change again by one's 30s. This is why it is important for people to learn about themselves before they commit to a relationship. This is why it is also important to experience being with different types of men/women (black men and women of course) before committing to a serious relationship. For this reason, I'm a big advocate of dating. Dating is a wonderful selection process. It allows people to see what they want and don't want in a mate. If done wisely (not sleeping with every person you date) and selectively, dating can also be a relatively painless...if not outright enjoyable experience.

One of the most important things a single person needs to realize is that there is nothing wrong with being single. Indeed if you haven't met the right man/woman, single is exactly what you want to be. This is a lesson I had to learn as a single man (I was single for quite a few years). As a single man I used to be bombarded with questions, expectations, and assumptions about my status: "Do you have kids?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Are you sleeping with someone" "Are you going to get married some day?" I was asked these questions by friends, associates, family members, church folk, and strangers. For some reason the 1st question, "Do you have kids?" was always asked before any of the others (which is another topic). When I would answer no to these questions, the immediate follow up would always be, "Why Not?".

Society places needless pressure on people to have a relationship & children by a certain time or age. While certain personal goals like having children may not have an indefinate time period to be achieved...undue outside pressure often results in desperation, which in turn leads to improper choices. It is a often a tragic mistake. Wasting time with someone who you are incompatible with (because you felt pressured to not be single or childless), often means you aren't available when someone who you are compatible with crosses your path.

This again goes back to my personal belief that everyone meets the person they are meant to be with, but unfortunately most don't take advantage because they either: 1. Are unable to recognize them for who they are, usually because they don't always match your fantasy image (5'10" light brown skin with glasses, instead of 6'3" dark chocolate with muscles for example). Even more important than the first one is. 2. Many aren't available to receive Mr/Ms Right when they cross their path, because they are wasting time in a relationship with the "wrong person" (a person who they often subconsciously know is not compatible with them).
 

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