You just found out your husband fathered a child by another woman during your marriage. The child is three months old. What is your course of action?

**** !!!! foolin round like home wasn't enough

simple ..............kick his *** out!

if he did it this time he will do it again !!
don't be next to kin a second 2 another
let the brutha go....

gotta go!!

...but what about 'for better or worse', y'all? What about if children between the two of you are involved?

What about that? Curb's callin'.

Hi Nia ... interesting question. Actually, I find the way you posed it more interesting than the question itself. It seems the focus is the consequence (pregnancy) of the indiscretion, rather than the indiscretion itself.

There was a time when I would have responded like most before me (men & women's thread) and say that I'd immediately kick him to the curb, put him out, divorce him and never speak to him again. Ahhh, but I'm older now, seeing people as they are, human, prone to an occasional bad decision and error in judgment. Certainly there are some bad decisions more damaging than others, and having sex with another woman while married, would certainly rank right near the top of the list. But I think all things must be considered.

What is the relationship like, not counting this indiscretion? Is he sincerely sorry for going outside the relationship? Has he tried to make amends? Is he a good man that simply made a bad decision? Does he love me? Do I love him? Does he deserve (based on the relationship prior to this act) another chance? Does he realize the danger he put us in, by having (obviously) unprotected sex with another person? These are just a few of the things that would contribute to my course of action.

The fact that a child was born as a result of his act, would probably be the least of my concerns. The child is innocent and really has nothing to do with what happened.

Many women, for ages, have stayed with their husbands in spite of their occasional lapses in fidelity. I personally have never been through this but am willing to assume, based on the fact that so many women remain in the marriage ... that there is more to it than meets the eye.

I don't know what I'd do if in this situation.

Great Question!

:heart:

Destee

when one cheat their no more better !!
tyme to go gotta blow ! out she or he go
for da worse like a curse of daRKNESS
ya heard from da RICHNESS !!!$$$$$$$$$

Originally posted by Destee
Hi Nia ... interesting question. Actually, I find the way you posed it more interesting than the question itself. It seems the focus is the consequence (pregnancy) of the indiscretion, rather than the indiscretion itself.

DESTEE, THAT IS A VERY APT POINT, AND I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM, AND APPRECIATE THE WAY YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS. HOWEVER, THE FACT IS, WHEN HE CHEATS ABSENT OF PRECAUTION (CONDOMS, ETC.), THAT ONLY EXACERBATES THE DILEMMA, BRINGING A LOT MORE DRAMA INTO THE PICTURE. THE CHILD HIM/HERSELF IS NOT THE DRAMA, BUT HAVING TO CARE FOR A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR IS GOING TO POSE MULTIPLE PROBLEMS FOR THE FAMILY (INCLUDING ECONOMIC), THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PRESENT HAD THERE BEEN PRECAUTIONS TAKEN.


There was a time when I would have responded like most before me (men & women's thread) and say that I'd immediately kick him to the curb, put him out, divorce him and never speak to him again. Ahhh, but I'm older now, seeing people as they are, human, prone to an occasional bad decision and error in judgment.

NOW IF THAT IS NOT A SERIOUS UNDERSTATEMENT (BAD DECISION AND ERROR IN JUDGMENT). OFTENTIMES, I HEAR PEOPLE REFER TO SEXUAL INDISCRETION AS "HUMAN". RESPECTFULLY, HERE IS WHAT I HAVE IN RESPONSE TO THAT SENTIMENT: LOVEMAKING IS HUMAN. THE INHERENT DESIRE TO REPRODUCE ONESELF IS HUMAN. BEING A HARLOT OR PANDERER IS NOT "HUMAN", AS BEING HUMAN MEANS HAVING AN ABILITY TO EXERCISE A GREAT DEAL MORE SELF CONTROL AND MORALS THAN NON-HUMANS OR BEASTS. IT IS NOT A "HUMAN" CHARACTERISTIC TO BE UNABLE AND/OR UNWILLING TO EXERCISE CONTROL OVER ONE'S MOST BASE INCLINATIONS.

Certainly there are some bad decisions more damaging than others, and having sex with another woman while married, would certainly rank right near the top of the list. But I think all things must be considered.

INCLUDING, "WHY ARE WE TOGETHER IF HE IS NOT DEVOTED TO ME?" ?

What is the relationship like, not counting this indiscretion? Is he sincerely sorry for going outside the relationship?

DOUBTFUL. PROBABLY SORRY HE GOT CAUGHT OR THAT IT BACKFIRED.

Has he tried to make amends?

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Is he a good man that simply made a bad decision? Does he love me? Do I love him? Does he deserve (based on the relationship prior to this act) another chance?

AFTER HE WENT AROUND DECEIVING NOT ONLY YOU, BUT THE OTHER WOMAN INTO BELIEVING THAT YOU OR SHE WAS MORE IMPORTANT? HE PROBABLY TOLD HER HE WANTED TO (OR PLANNED TO) LEAVE YOU. PROBABLY TOLD HER DISPARAGING THINGS ABOUT YOU, WHETHER TRUE OR FALSE.

Does he realize the danger he put us in, by having (obviously) unprotected sex with another person?

REALIZE??? APPARENTLY THE RASCAL DIDN'T GIVE A SNAP.

These are just a few of the things that would contribute to my course of action.

The fact that a child was born as a result of his act, would probably be the least of my concerns. The child is innocent and really has nothing to do with what happened.

NEVERTHELESS, HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO THAT CHILD WILL MOST DEFINITELY SUBTRACT FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. OF COURSE IT IS NOT THE BABY'S FAULT. BUT *YOU* WILL BE PAYING FOR THE ADULTERERS' POOR JUDGMENT FOR THE NEXT 18+ YEARS.

Many women, for ages, have stayed with their husbands in spite of their occasional lapses in fidelity.

POOR THINGS. THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE BACK THEN.

I personally have never been through this but am willing to assume, based on the fact that so many women remain in the marriage ... that there is more to it than meets the eye.

YEP. MORE DEPRESSION, MORE MISERY AND MORE CANCER. UNNECESSARY SYMPTOMS OF THE CHRONIC NEED TO SELF-PRESERVE RATHER THAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE USED AND ABUSED AND UNAPPRECIATED.

I don't know what I'd do if in this situation.

Great Question!

I THANK YOU KINDLY. AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE.

:heart:

Destee

Knowing your man is/was unfaithful is very painful and unforgettable. Add a child to that mix.....makes it 10 times more painful...you have so many CONSTANT VISIBLE reminders. (if you remained with him)

Nia named a few, paying for his lack of self control for 18 + years...which will probably feel more like a lifetime.

If we have children...at some point they will have questions about the child... then I'll find myself reliving that painful period explaining... why they have a half brother/sister.

I would not want to deprive the child of a father, after all he/she is also a victim in all this. And that would mean my husband having CONSTANT contact with the woman he (so easily)betrayed me with.... I would probably CONSTANTLY wonder if they are still sexually involved (if I remained with him) That would be too much headache and heartache.

What it all boils down to....I can not accept an unfaithful man with or without a child involved...My opinion..if a man can not be faithful to his woman, he does not love her. unfaithfulness is a choice. My choice? Faithfully ask him to leave.


Nia, It's nice to read you again :) I like how you separated this question between the sistahs and brothas....I think we'll receive a clearer perspective of the replies. Thanks


CCBSKYN :heart:

Originally posted by Nia Maishani
POOR THINGS. THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE BACK THEN.In response to the above Nia, I'd like to point to Mrs. Jesse Jackson. Such things have happened many times, for ages, including today. She is by far, not the only woman dealing with a like situation. We could assume that these women are weak, have low self esteem and a number of additional undesirable characteristics, for choosing to remain. But I think too, that we could tilt our view a bit and also see some extraordinary strength and resolve in them.

Women have more often forgiven such indiscretions than men, opting to remain married. I don't know what motivates them or how they reach their decision.

It's relatively easy to say what one would do in a hypothetical situation ... or while on the outside looking in.

Destee

Kemetstry, the only thing the dirty, double-crossing canine would be begging of me is not to light the cigarette after I gasoline all his %#@&, like Sista Bassett did.

Cocobuttaskyn, great to read YOU again as well, my Sista. Every word you wrote, I fully concur. The child is a victim, yes. But I won't subject myself and even my children to the incessant feelings of disappointment, betrayal and suspicion. There are some crimes--and it is certainly a crime against both the wife, children and new child--that simply cannot be chalked up to "just another poor decision". Why would I want a husband and father to my children in our lives who cares so little about both me and his children that he would step out on US like that? I have OBSERVED that men who truly love their children want to do whatever possible--everything in their power-- to keep things right with the mother of the child(ren), and unless it simply absolutely WILL NOT work between them, he does right by her. It is men (and women) who don't care much about their children, who mess around on the other parent.

Destee, while I agree that it takes tremendous strength, resolve and tolerance to stay after betrayal (or even DURING betrayal), I also have to say this: I KNOW what I will and will not tolerate. NO man is worth being miserable for. Although I don't know for certain, I do suspect that women like Mrs. Jesse Jackson, Mrs. R Kelly, Hillary Clinton, etc. have weighed the advantages against the disadvantages of leaving. You are talking about wealthy and/or high profile/prominent/powerful men these women have to leave. I do strongly suspect that if they were an ordinary Tom, **** or Harry whose income/prominence would not make or break the family's survival, the wives would be outty.

indeed i agree if a man cheat or not faithful then he do not
love his mate even if it's a one night stand and no reason why
she whom he cheat with get caught up to bare child then he
and she is not careful .....ware protection !!!!! drop dem pills!!
but truely this so call love thing is only a myth of thoughts to
what they had she should drop his *** like a bad habit.

MOMMA use to say take ya tyme young man
knoweth whom u r
be sure to what u want
love as u want to be loved

when u do acts of such u can't love when u don't love one self.
PUT HIM OUT OR MOVE ON TO A TRUE LOVE..

Just wanted to thank you for that plug for "Junior" that took me back to the '70's, $$RICH$$ man. Wisdom, indeed. And let us not forget, "take it in your stride, Mama used to say, 'Live Your Life' ".

I said, "Live Your Life". A life of misery is no life to be living. Get out there and find the true love you deserve! Do not continue to give your love to those who can not appreciate nor reciprocate! Do not settle for whateva!

:kiss::kiss::kiss:

Nia

And I don't believe the thought of her becoming "normal" is even a factor in her decision. The wives of celebrities are not generally highly profiled anyway. They don't really have any major status as the wife of the celebrity, same as the husbands of celebrity women do not generally have any real status or renown. The exception is when the spouse too is already a celebrity.

I belive the more important factors are the knowledge that the lifestyle will plummet (may now have to struggle financially), children's quality of education and other necessities may take a cut. The new wife (who is probably already lying in wait) may live better than his own children, children will become victims of the media/paparazzi, etc. etc. etc.

Oh Kemetstry, please. The only way I can buy that possibility is if the wife was dazzled by his stardom when she met him. I don't belive that is the majority of cases.

I guess...this would depend on how Our relationship was going....i wouldn't immediately dismiss him...what have we built? is it worth preserving? it depends....mistakes happen....of course....i would need LOTS of time b4 I could think rationally though....

"mistake"?????

allllllll rightey, then.

Trust me, it was no mistake, until it was discovered by the betrayed.

:mad: as hell!!! i really would have to question the marriage.....can't fault the child!

:mad: as hell!!! i really would have to question the marriage.....can't fault the child!

Thank you for your reply, Startinover. And welcome to the boards.

Nia

We can all give advise on what we would or would not do in this situation. The bottom line will always be what will your heart tell you to do. Love covers a multitude of sins.:love:

indeed love can cover up so much and love can be blind
but a foolish love i think not .....ya heart may say yes
and that inner feelings may say yes but reality say no !
the thing to do is pack up and go ..and welcome within sweetness
glad u came aboard upon family & friendz of Destee's place.

story.... truely mistakes do take place but in this case
no mistake just foolish and lusting what one build
is not of pure real love a myth love pack up and go
or kick his *** out which ever best

don't let ya heart mislead u into a destructional mask of what
could be ....

$$RICH$$ness has spoken!

:toast:

i would be a real ***** i would ask so many question on why he has done this and did not tell me about it of course he wouldn't have told me that how men is but why that would be my action well after i beat his *** for doing this.

holla at me
soulsistah16

.......................................GO......... ..............................!

I am a litte mixed by this question....I know people that have cheated and had moved on with life and it made them stronger....but then again some people just let it happen and it turnd around to bite them in the a**. So it really depends on the couple, some are stronger than others.