I have a friend, a very good friend, who's boyfriend of over a year is actively cheating with random girls. This is not something I just heard. It is something that I know. As her friend, do I have an obligation to tell her, or should I let her find out for herself? She is very serious about him, and has told me that she is at a point in her life where she wants to settle down. She has spent a lot of time and effort on this relationship, and I hate to see her waste her time on a lost cause. What should I do?

I do concur with Kem (this is happening too often!!!) anyway, Danilyn, as he said, some people (especially women), don't/won't accept your warning. I also know from experience when my cousin's man, who was in college with me in the South, was playing openly, while she was in the West. And once she moved down where we were, she wasn't "allowed" on campus unless he escorted her there. She was blind and had all kinds of excuses for this strange behavior. When I told her straight out that he was cheating, she went off on me and accused me of all kinds of things. Including jealousy. This was hurtful because we were raised as sisters and had never fallen out about anything.

Of course she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself when one of his women approached her with an engagement ring.....

So it depends upon your situation. Are you willing to suffer the ridicule and accusations she might hurl at you? Or is she a reasonable kind of lady. (even the "reasonable" ones can turn when it comes to LUV). Weigh it out. But like Kem says... "seeing is believing". No doubt about that.

Handle with care, sis. If she was ever a real friend, she will always be.

a

ps oh, and that woman married the scoundrel but they soon got a divorce...my cousin didn't lose out at all

I would becareful here coz in most cases i've seen friendship
end on dis note......maybe u should take her out to da place where those two meet forth she will see them her self coz
telling her and knowing how she love him may hurt her more then
she finding out herself.......i would let her know in a low key way
but out right saying it can coz a problem even friendship
and some times they get back together ........watch out here!

I haven't done anything yet. I appreciate everyone's point of view. I agree with the majority in that my friend could end up hating me. I like the idea of setting it up somehow where she can see for herself. I might try to get that together.

i say tell. she's your friend right? in the end she will know the truth anyway and you would have more respect.

i mean why let her prolong the pretense situation.
if she gets mad, so what it won't last.

if she rails on you, then let her continue to get played..
maan i've seen this type drama so many times
it's like soap operas :puke:

Hi Danilyn, Great question Sis.

I think most folk know when their intimate lover, partner, friend, etc., is cheating on them. How can you know of random occurrences and she isn't aware of one? Somewhere deep inside of herself, she knows, choosing rather to push it to the back of her conscious ... for whatever reason (good reasons in her own mind). Perhaps.

You may even put more pressure on her, because she doesn't want you to know that she knows. Does not want you to think she'd tolerate such a situation. So now you've added to your friend's pressure, more stress ... "for her own good" ... and now she feels forced to act (toward you or him) when she was trying to handle things mentally, spiritually, physically ... in her own way. Perhaps.

Another issue, unless you've actually seen with your own eyes this man having sex with someone else, etc., (and have hard evidence of it, i.e., pictures ... and even that isn't enough proof for some women)... then it could all be twisted as being your perception of him and his activities ... (and if you do have hard evidence, pics, etc., what's up with that?) ...

If she doesn't have a clue right now and is doing as you mentioned above, making life plans for her and this man ... do you really think telling her is going to make her immediately begin doubting what he has so carefully put in place? Remember, she loves him and sees no wrong in him ... you'd be suggesting that she leave the man of her life, simply based on what you say ... are you bringing sunshine or rain into your dear friend's life? If what you say is true, the rain is coming anyway ...

... might wanna keep an extra umbrella in da trunk of yo' car :)

Most folk have exactly what they want in their lives ... otherwise it wouldn't be there.

Naaahhh ... I'd stay out of it ... but that's just me.

Destee

yeah! Destee she gotta know at some point and just ova looking
da fact of he's cheating surely if one open up to tell her she might
get mad i know friendship is not made of secrets but sometyme
we have to stay out of thing and let them work dem self out
ova all but sometime ya heart wont let u be on a hush hush!!
it's hard thats true
but u know ya friend so the point is can she take u telling her
or will she blow up !!! dats da thing.......hummmmm! can't wait
to see what u do next

Danilyn ~

Out of curiousity, I'm wondering if you are also close friends with your homegirl's boyfriend...?? I mean close enough to the both of them that you could easily speak with either of the two about serious issues and such??

If you do have a good relationship with the both of them, and are in a good enough position to be able to speak with the boyfriend(in confidence and out of concern for the two of them) about some of the things that you have either seen or heard, and how what you have heard or seen is putting you in an awkward and uncomfortable position because you care about the both of them... etc., etc.,

Perhaps, depending upon your relationship with the two of them, this would offer another "avenue" to think about ....

*notice that I've said ... it may offer another "avenue" to think about as an option, if your friendship is close with the two of them....??


If not, I might just be inclined to go ahead & tell her, just as j'hiah has said, not because you intend to be hurtful, but because you may possess some information that she doesn't and as a friend, I think I would feel obligated to say something, however, I would have to understand that she may have many mixed up feelings towards me, our friendship, she may even be more guarded about her relationship with 'him' etc. So you should know what things to 'possibly' expect from whatever you choose to do.
N2:)

yes indeed N2 sometime we must do whats right
knowin he's cheating in all but if she is a friend of the both
then go to him let him know what u know and if he don't stop then tell it all coz he just don't care.........if da friendship is like
a sistahly bond then i would tell fo sho coz we r like dat!
but if not then watch how u go to her to open da door to reality
of her man cheating........words from above)))

go there Kem...I've seen it too... might be best to leave it alone and suffer being accused of "knowing", after-the-fact....one can always say, "girl, you believed the sun rose and set in that n's ***...you wouldn't have believed me"....or "we tried to tell you, but".....

it all depend on the friendship and all dat i've seen it too but..
sometime it's best to take that chance surely she will wonder
if he told her dat u was hittin on him but true friends know better

i've seen where a friend went to the wrongdoer" and things worked out well and i seen it turn into a self destructional mess
see it all depend on the friendship how close u r and what's da
deal wit da mate ......well i await da answer or what was done
in this madness fashion disrespectful cheating situatation.........

I'd tell her...

I would try to let her know i wasn't doing it to hurt her but i would feel compelled to tell her about my "suspicions". afterall, i think alot of times, the woman has to see it for herself, to be willing to believe it. as mentioned by Destee, women usually know when things aren't right.

however, out of love, concern and friendship, i would tell a friend. In fact, I've been inthis situation. My friend didn't get mad but she was going fight for her, in this case, husband. she kept blaming the other women for interferring but it took her a about a year to finally realize that she was better off without this man.

perhaps one way to approach the situation is when she's talking about how she's ready, you could ask her what she feels her boyfriend feels about her.

in the end, if she does get upset, as Nu2 and jh'hiad mentioned, I'd have to do it out of friendship. Later perhaps she could see the love and concern you had.

also be there to give support, lift her spirits, hang out with her. This way she will she that perhaps she is waiting time with this man. If he out there as you say, he's not spending much time taking her out. She needs to know that she is desirable and wanted. She take get that if she spending her time waiting for her boyfriend to come around.

N2...
I do know the guy. I know him well enough to say something to him. But he can be shady and I think he'd do what Kem said, turn it around in his favor. She's got a good head on her shoulders, and I believe to some degree, she does know, she just needs that extra proof (and no Destee, I don't have pics or anything like that :lol:) I think I've decided to leave it alone. But if she ever comes right out and asks me anything, I'll have to tell her what I know. The funny thing is, its really not a big secret what he's doing. A lot of people know (which is why I believe she has some idea, she just doesn't want to admit it). And girls that are this naive about their situation would get mad at a friend like me who is trying to look out for her best interests.

You got a good point there Kem!!!!

Danilyn ... her asking you about it is a whole 'nutha thang Chile!!! ... i'd be itch'n for her ta ask me! :wink: You probably won't get the satisfaction of answering that question though (but if you do, come back and tell us how much relief you felt in doing so ... hehehe).

Thanks for bringing such a great topic.

:heart:

Destee

undefinedI have a friend, a very good friend, who's boyfriend of over a year is actively cheating with random girls. This is not something I just heard. It is something that I know. As her friend, do I have an obligation to tell her, or should I let her find out for herself? She is very serious about him, and has told me that she is at a point in her life where she wants to settle down. She has spent a lot of time and effort on this relationship, and I hate to see her waste her time on a lost cause. What should I do?

]it depends on the kind of strength of your friendship...be careful, she may be mad at you for telling her, not to mention being embarassed._____justice[/COLOR]

There was another thread, not too long ago, that dealt with this same scenerio...Maybe Sister Destee, can find it and provide the link...

Here is the thread in question:

http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29888

I think you should tell your friend. LQQk at it like this. If they have a sexual relationship,his cheating is putting her life in danger. With HIV and a host of other STD's she has a right to know. I mean wouldn't you want someone to tell you if you had a loaded gun pointed right at your head so that you can get out of the way??? Tell her, she may be mad, but when she finally sees for herself, she will b glad you did and see you for the true friend you are.

I think you should tell your friend. LQQk at it like this. If they have a sexual relationship,his cheating is putting her life in danger. With HIV and a host of other STD's she has a right to know. I mean wouldn't you want someone to tell you if you had a loaded gun pointed right at your head so that you can get out of the way??? Tell her, she may be mad, but when she finally sees for herself, she will b glad you did and see you for the true friend you are.

This was pretty much the prevailing thought in the other thread on this topic!

Hi danillyn....


how are you ....
i know this is not an easy sitiuation....
i ,ve been trough it myself...

here is my advise on this Horrible thing......


Yes the truth needs to brought out...
and will come out eventualy...
Its just sad how people are slow these days in bringing out the truth..
it just brings mistery and more missery in our lives ....if we love the lie..

Truth sets people free...


this maybe sounds hard and to dirrect but ...
the reason i think we have to tell eachother if these things are happening to youre close friend or relaltives....

is pure the fact that we are dealing with diseases in these times..

For example ..

i knew that if i was going to tell my friend about the cheating of her
boyfriend (and i even knew him to cause i made beautifull pictures of her and her boyfriend together ..i mean like art pictures ..those ones you see in cards and stuff )that there could become a moment that she would doubt me to...
asspecialy if he would denial it .....

and he did... (can you believe it)

i went trough a rough time...

but after the truth came more out ..
she would apriciate it...
and said she appriciated it that i had the curriage to telll cause after it manny people knew but didnt told her and they were even more close than me (can you believe this)

and she was thankfull (this doesnt touches my ego no way and i hope i never have to go trouhg this again just as much as her and ....well him to yes))
she was thankfull simply for tha fact that she than new that that wasnt ment to be...and that she could continuing with keeping her tempel CLEAN.


and even the man her exboyfriend doesnt look mad at me ...
when he passes by...
cause he knew that lord whould whoop his ....... anyway



But even if she would get mad at you...
and continues the relationship...with him..(and with you)
than you know you have did what you could do.....

you leave the rest up to god...

and you will have youre peace....



Cause i could never rest......

if i knew that my friend comes up to me..
and told me ...
I have this ilness and i dont know where its comming from...

and me looking at her ....
knowing i knew sumthing... (and i,m talking about facts .....and even if you dont have proove or facts ...but just a dream or intuition or things you have seen ....i would share it anyway share ...share carrefully but not to start a roumor but just talk about it.... )


and didnt say anything...



But hey everyone is different ...
everyone has his or hers own ways...


all i know ....

is a lie that causes people to get hurt...
that makes people life their life misterius...
and unstable and unhappy...
need to be removed..


and they say...

""were there is a lie ......you give the devil a FOOT in the doorway""






Good luck much strength and GODs power Truth...







Lovelibertylady:heart: