So post jokes here.

Shopping Center Time Killers

> Fourteen Things to do at a department store while your
> spouse is taking his or her sweet time:
>
> 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put
> them in people's carts when they
> aren't looking.
>
> 2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares
> to go off at 5 minute intervals.
>
> 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor
> to the rest rooms.
>
> 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her
> in an official tone,' Code 3
> in house wares',...and see what happens.
>
> 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a
> bag of M&M's on lay away.
>
> 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
> carpeted area.
>
> 7. Set up a tent in the camping department
> and tell other shoppers you'll
> only invite them in if they bring pillows
> from the bedding department.
>
> 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you,
> begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
> you people just leave me alone?
>
> 9. While handling guns in the hunting
> department ask the clerk if he knows
> where the anti-depressants are.
>
> 10. Dart around the store suspiciously while
> loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
>
> 11. In the auto department practice your
> Madonna look using different size funnels.
>
> 12. Hide in the clothing rack and when
> people browse through say 'PICK ME!
> PICK ME!!!!!!'
>
> 13. When an announcement comes over the loud
> speaker assume the fetal position and scream
> "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
>
> and last but not least,
>
> 14. Go into a fitting room and yell real
> loudly, 'Hey! We're out of toilet
> paper in here!'

LMAO @ Nia .....:lol: :lol: :lol:
gurl u got me crying ova here
i'll post som'em late coz my side hurts:D

Glad you got a laugh, $$RICH$$. Some of 'em were side-splitters for me too. There is a much longer list, and I hope I find it to post.

coz i love what u do wit dem words play
da clocks woooweee!
condoms in all .....snap!
wet floor sign on carpet too much
here i go again LMAO .......my side hurts
stop!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Now, YOU are cracking ME up!

and just yesterday i slip on da wet carpet
and fell into a box of open condoms i thought
they was ballons i was wondering what dat was
ringing loud in my ears saying bam bam !!
dis bad for my health........ i need a doctor..........
laughing so hard going into a stroke!:lol: :lol: :lol: :eek:

with the ringing in your ears. Yup.....you DO need a dockta.

Laughter: the best preventive medicine for sure. I'm in a field that lends itself to emotional stress ~ if you allow it ~ basically because of the types of clients I serve. My coworkers and I have found a way to keep it light, even under the most intense circumstances. In my personal life, I've been known to keep a laugh going, or start something a little bit silly...to outrageous, because I LOVE to laugh. It's such a great stress reliever. There is plenty of time to be serious, and even moments when we will be uptight for good cause. But to be able to switch it up and turn a frown upside down, is a blessing.

I find that my leaning toward the lighter side, and staying upbeat and even being able to laugh at myself, has helped in my attitude, and I believe has slowed the "aging" process. People are generally taken aback when they discover my age. Somehow, a serious, sad and even sour countenance is more acceptable (to some) of persons who have reached 40+. I enjoy busting up that stale mindset. :)

a

indeed Alyce see some of us can't handle it

:D :D :D :laugh::laugh::laugh::D :D :D

Yes indeedy! Laughter for health, youth and beauty!

Got some more jokes, but have to wait until I get home to cut and paste from stored file. Later.

hey Nia hurry up coz i'm in a funny mood these here just
killed me wit laughter......thank u

More Shopping Center Time Fillers

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head, and walk around the store casually.

Run up to a male employee while squeezing your legs together, and practically scream at him, "Where are your tampons?"

Go to an empty checkout lane and try to ring up customer orders.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Make up nonsense products and ask a newly hired employee if they have any in stock. Ex.: "Do you have any Shnerples on sale?"

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on the dancer's butt cheek . Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the £50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I whipped out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ***, grabbed the £80, and went home.

LMAO :lol: Good one sistah friend!! Had me goin' for a second....

:D

N2

lmao@Nia...

try these...

1. putting bar codes on an old lady's purse..
when she walks out the exit alarm activates and Big Bruce tackles her to the ground

2. go in the toy department and tell an associate you'd like to try those 15 bikes hanging from the ceiling and then say "that's okay i like this one down here"

3. grab a cart a ride on the back of it "weeeeee"

4. run circles around the dairy and scream " i got madd cow disease i got madd cow disease"

5. go on one of the crowded isles and scream and point "snaaake" and take off


i couldn't resist

Thanks, J. But you KNOW you'd be wrong to do #1 or 2!
I'll be on the lookout for more, since I see there is some interest here. :)

ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead / A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates/Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile/ Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

ALFA - Always Looking For Another

AMC - All Makes Combined/ A Major Cost/ A Mutated Car/ A Moron's Car/ Another Major Catastrophe /Almost Makes Corners/Ain't My Car

AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence / Always Unsafe Designs Implemented /Always Upside-down, Double Interest /Another Understated Dealer Incentive /Another Ugly Deutsche Invention/ Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence/ Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. /All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BATA (shoemaker brand) - Buy and Throw Away

BMW - Big Mouth Wife / Brings More Women / Bought My Wife/Big Money Waste

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer/Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King /Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean

CADILLAC - Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions /Certified As Detroit's Inadequate, Lumbering Luxury Auto Car

Camaro - Can A Mechanic Actually Repair One?? /Can't America Make A Real One?

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips/Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time /Cheap Heap; Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time/Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time/Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques/Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

CHRYSLER - Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair/Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery/Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions/Can't Have Refund, You're Stuck Leasing Edsel's Replacement

DAEWOO - Depreciation Always Eclipses Worst Of Others /Does Any Engtineer Wanna Own One? /Dangerous And Energy-Wasting Oriental Object

DATSUN - Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere / Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater /Darned Old Dudes Going Everywhere/**** Overhauls Do Get Expensive/Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone/Dead Old Dog Going East/Dead On Day Guarantee Expires /Dead On Delivery, Go Easy /Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired /Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter /Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment /Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks

EFI - Extra F*****G Insurance

FERRARI - Fast, Exciting, Racy, Red, And Really Impractical

FIAT - Failure In Automotive Technology /Found In A Trashcan/ Fix It All the Time /Fix it again, Tony! /Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation/F**king Idiot Assembled This!/F**king Italians Ain't Trustworthy

FORD - Found On Road Dead / Fix Or Repair Daily/Found On Rubbish Dump/Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation /Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's /F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge /Fabricated Of Refried Dung / For Old Retired Drunks /FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot /Driver Relies On Family/First On Recall Day /Fireball On Rear Damage/First On Rust and Deterioration /Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven /Fault Of R&D/F***ed On Raw Deal /Fast Only Rolling Downhill /Flip Over, Read Directions /Fork Over Remaining Dough/F**king Owners Really Dumb/Foot On Road Decelerates/Forced On Reluctant Drivers /Forward Only; Reverse Defective /Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin /Fouled Out Re-done Dodge /Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed/ Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable/ Funny Old Rattling Dump/ Forget Out Running Dale

GEO - Get Everything Overpriced/Got Everything Overhauled/Good Engineering Overlooked

GM - General Maintenance /Genital Motors /Give More/GiMme/Getting Malignant / Great Mistake/Garbage Motors/Generally Miserable/Grossly Misconceived/Gluteus Maximus

GMC - Generally Mediocre Cars/Garage Man's Companion /Got A Mechanic Coming?/Get My Checkbook! /Grief & Misery Combined

GTO - Gas, Tires, Oil/ Get Tools Out/ Get To Onramp /Get The Others/ Generally Trashed Out

HONDA - Had One, Never Did Again /Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything/Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else /Honda Options: No Deal Available! /Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!/Honda Options Never Deal Affordably /Hang On, No Dealer Acquisistions! /Hang On, Not Done Accelerating/ Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles /How Odd, No Darn Acceleration?

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable AND Inexpensive/Here's Y U Never Drive An Import/Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside

INFINITI - It Never Found Its Niche, It's Truly Inconsequential

IROC - Italian Retard Out Cruising/I Race Other Cars/It's Really Only a Camaro/I'm Really Out of Cash

ISUZU - Is So Underpowered, Zooming Unlikely

JAGUAR - Just A Gorgeous, Underperforming Anglican Rip-Off

JEEP - Just Eats Every Part /Just Empty Every Pocket/Just Eats Every Penny/Junk Everyone Eventually Piles/Just Expect Extra Payments /Junk Engineering Executed Poorly/ Jumps Extremely Excitedly over Potholes/ Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts /Jumps Everything Ever Parked

KIA - Keep It Away!/Korean Imitation Accord/Korea's Imported Accident/Killer's Imported Asset/Kiss It Away/Killed In Action/Keep Inside Asia/Korea Invades America/Killer Implosion Awaits/Kick It Again

LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually Every Road

LINCOLN - Lousy Implementations, Not Cars Of Luxurious Nature

LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along/Most Are Zealously Duped Always/Making A
Zillion Dollars Annually/ Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly /My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin

MBA - Married But Available / Mentality Below Average

MERCEDES - My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero/Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve/Most Eccentric Rich Capitalists Enjoy Driving Expensive Sedans /Money Envy Reliably Causes Every Derogatory Expletive to Surface.

MG - Money Guzzler/Mostly Garaged

MGB - Might Go Backward

MGF - Might Go Forward

MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents/ May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside /Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation

MOPAR - Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly /Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously/Most Often Passed At Races/Mostly Old Parts And Rust /Move Over People Are Racing /Move Over, Plymouth Approaching Rapidly/My Old Pig Ain't Running /My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage /Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good/ Massivly Under Sized Tires And No Go

NAPA - Never Any Parts Available.

NISSAN - Need I Say Something About Nothing

OBUPOS - Obupos Old Beat Up Piece Of Shi+

OLDSMOBILE - Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything/Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday/Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO - Put In Nickel To Operate /Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook/ Put In New Transmission Often

PLYMOUTH - Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood/Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC - Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac/Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac/Piece Of Nasty, Tacky, Icky A## Crap/Pretty Overpriced, Not That I Am Concerned

PORSCHE - Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense /Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough /Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have 'Em

PROTON - Possibly the Riskiest Option To drive On road Nowdays

PROBE - Plainly Runs Only By Exception

PRELUDE - Pistons Rattle, Engine Locks Up, Differential Explodes

RENAULT - Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

ROLLS ROYCE - Regarded Only as Luxury Life Style. Runs Over Your Current Expenses/ Royal Ostentation Lets Lethargic ****s Rumble Over Yogurt-Consuming Esthetes

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back/Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards /Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown /Sorry-A$$ed American Buyers/Start Adding Additional Brake fluid /Sad Attempt At Beauty /Sorry Auto, Always Broken /Shape Appears ***-Backwards/Still Ain't A BMW/Slow As A Buick/Such an arrogant bastard

SATURN - Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now/Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent/Sad Attempt To Unload Recycled Nissans

STEALTH: Speed Trap Equipment Aims Low, Targets Hood

STP - Stop Those Pistons!

SUBARU - U-R-A-BUS (spelled backwards)/Screwed Up Beyond All Repair, Usually/Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium/Sport Utility Buffs Are Relatively Unimpressed/Sorta Useful, But Are Really Underpowered

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto/Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towwed Away/Torturous On Your Old Tired ***/ The One You Ought To Avoid /Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All

Triumph - The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

VOLKSWAGEN - Very Obese Losers Knowingly Suffer With All German Engineered Nonsense/Volkswagen Vehicle Owner's List: Kite String, Wire, Aluminum, Gum, Engine (NOT!)

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object /Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

VW - Virtually Worthless / Volks Who?

YUGO - Yearly undergoes garage operations/ You'll utter "greatly overpriced"

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a **** about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend-5.0 to Husband-1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend-5.0. In addition, Husband-1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance-9.9 and then installed other,
undesirable programs such as NFL-5.0 and NBA-3.0. Conversation-8.0 no
longer runs and Housecleaning-2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging-5.3 to fix these problems, but to no availble.

What do I do?

Desperate
---------

Dear Desperate:

Keep in mind, Boyfriend-5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband-1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command

C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

and install Tears-6.2. Husband-1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Guilty-3.0 and Flowers-7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy/Silence-2.5, Happyhour-7.0 or Beer-6.1.
Beer-6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law-1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband-1.0.

In summary, Husband-1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood-3.0 and Lingerie-5.3. Also remember, running Nagging-5.3 too often
can sometimes cause Husband-1.0 to secretly install Mistress-1.0, which
would then require you to run Private Investigator-7.5 utility and
possibly even Attorney-9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and
the need to reboot Husband 1.0!

Tech Support

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.


Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.


Room Service: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?


Hotel Guest: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.


Room Service: Ow July den?


Hotel Guest: What?


Room Service: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?


Hotel Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.


Room Service: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?


Hotel Guest: Crisp will be fine.


Room Service: Hokay. An Santos?


Hotel Guest: What?


Room Service: Santos. July Santos?


Hotel Guest: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.


Room Service: No. Judo one toes?


Hotel Guest: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.


Room Service: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?


Hotel Guest: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.


Room Service: We bother?


Hotel Guest: No. Just put the bother on the side.


Room Service: Wad?


Hotel Guest: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.


Room Service: Copy?


Hotel Guest: I feel terrible about this but...


Room Service: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...


Hotel Guest: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.


Room Service: One Minnie. *** rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?


Hotel Guest: Whatever you say.


Room Service: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.


Hotel Guest: You're welcome.

IMAO!!! u is so crazy!!!LOL
:heart:
-story

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I read the 14 Shopping Center Time Killers aloud to my daughter. We were both in tears rollin with laughter. Thanks a million for the laughs, wow, that was SO funny!

From one Nia to another, that "Language Barrier" was FUNNY! I loves a good laugh...and jokes. Got anymore?! 10 thumbs up!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

:sick:

lol..............it's a real side buster

So glad you liked that one, Your Royal $$Richne$$. Good to see you. How've you been?