OK Fam....This topic came from a short discussion in chat.....

What are your thoughts on arranged marriages?

According to the way that most of us have been either raised, or how others say things

should be, the idea of someone else having a say so in whom you should marry

seems like a sick joke.

But is it really?

We see images on T.V., hear tales of the perfect romances,

we even fall victims to our own ideas and thoughts of what we think want in a relationship and who could provide that idea. All those have lead to a 55% divorce rate (among other things). :yesno:

One could debate on whether the masses really know what marriage is for based on statistics alone.


For those who have children and have previously been married, knowing what you know now, would you like to have a say so in who will be the one to take your son's/daughter's hand in marriage, or will you let them walk into something that you see as a mistake? :happens:

After all, parents/ family have invested and sacrificed a lot into shaping their child into a responsible adult right? Right? :10500:


If we are all individuals, then how can someone know what will be best for me since they will never walk in my shoes, and if we raise our children right, then they will choose right, right? :10500:


What will have to be in place for one to heed the advice of another in a life long decision as critical as this one? For those of us who either study or live in a traditional way of life, are we willing to trust the community enough to choose a mate for us? What will their decision be based upon? From this aspect I'm leaving out a lot of detail, and maybe I'll fill it in later, but for now I want to get thoughts.



Do you believe that letting your elders, priests, and priestesses choose a mate for you will cause problems, or will a choice based on experience / spirituality bypass unnecessary drama and mistakes in a relationship/ marriage, and help it manifest into what it really supposed to be about?



Peace and Power
~Qwamii~

I saw a show on arranged marriages maybe mtv's true life. I think they were east indian, it was very interesting. Those guys were hot, smart and appeared to have ethnic pride.
But I would not trust my family to select "the one". our value system is sort of...not the same. I'd probably trust my friends though.

I truly wish i could arrange my daughter's marriage. She's a pretty woman, and a smart woman, but she is making some horrible choices when it comes to love. To make it so bad.....there have been some really great young brothers with a crush on her...have come and told me so! But she won't give 'em the time of day! Absolutely frustrating!

I would arrange all of my girls marriages. Im not 2 happy with the choices that they have before them. I think I would be a better judge of a man than they would.
My second oldest asked why Im so hard on her choices of boyfriends and I tell her" I was one of the worst men around and Daddy knows ish when he see's it".

I truly wish i could arrange my daughter's marriage. She's a pretty woman, and a smart woman, but she is making some horrible choices when it comes to love. To make it so bad.....there have been some really great young brothers with a crush on her...have come and told me so! But she won't give 'em the time of day! Absolutely frustrating!

Excellent point!

We all know what it was like to be young, and we know what usually guided our decisions in choosing to pursue someone.

We seem to take some serious thought into it when our children are concerned, but what about ourselves? Can we trust others to make that decision for or at least with us?



From the comments in chat I thought I'd get more people that are opposed to the idea than those that agree with it?

Destee might have to start arranging marriages here.

Peace and Power
~Qwamii~

Even though i know and i may even feel what's best , i did my job in the upbringing
to trust in there decisions and choices for i'm not the one that will endure there love she/he will
all i can offer is my advice but i don't want to hinder there choice to choose
i didn't want nobody to pre-arranged my life and surely i wouldn't do it to them
if you give your all and upbring them right teaching them all the facts you know
about life and what you experience should lead them to make a pretty fair choice.

I had to go away and think about this for a little while. Much as I hate to admit this, there might be something to arranged marriages. For one thing, people in love are very seldom objective. When you are looking at your lover through hormone glazed eyes, you won't see anything but the good in them.

True story: Before I married my second husband, we were in the habit of playing cards with a good girlfriend of mine and her husband. Mind you, we had been friends (he and I), not courting, for over five years. My friend-girl (who noticed a more deeper attraction growing) said to me, "Are you quite sure you want to take things to a deeper level with him? He's got anger problems, he's a sore loser, and when you guys lose he has a real bad reaction." I figured she was dipping, and plus, i was grown......but two years later, her prediction was my nightmare. All from a game of cards.

One other observation i will make about choosing our own spouse as opposed to an arranged marriage:

As you mentioned above, when we choose our own spouse, we ask ourselves: How will marriage enrich me? What will i get out of it (marriage)?
But in an arranged marriage,the focus is more on what each person brings to the marriage. How will this marriage benefit both people? Outside people can gauge that question a lot more truthfully than most of us (within a relationship) probably would.......

Another point to consider: In arranged marriages, of olden days, no one entered a marriage bringing just their body.......

Mizjoice
As you mentioned above, when we choose our own spouse, we ask ourselves: How will marriage enrich me? What will i get out of it (marriage)?
But in an arranged marriage,the focus is more on what each person brings to the marriage. How will this marriage benefit both people? Outside people can gauge that question a lot more truthfully than most of us (within a relationship) probably would.......

Another point to consider: In arranged marriages, of olden days, no one entered a marriage bringing just their body.......[/quote]


I couldn't agree more sometime others can see what you can't through love's eyes
and i also think if you carefully go into a marriage these are thing you should
seek and know before jumping head first base on this love of inner emotions or feelings
In any relationship that is some of the first things i look at what is good for me and what do i really offer this help me out big time from making the same mistake.

I couldn't agree more sometime others can see what you can't through love's eyes
and i also think if you carefully go into a marriage these are thing you should
seek and know before jumping head first base on this love of inner emotions or feelings
In any relationship that is some of the first things i look at what is good for me and what do i really offer this help me out big time from making the same mistake.


Bro $$RICH$$

It sounds like you have a good understanding when it comes to entering a relationship/marriage.

Did it come from experience?

Could a bad decision in the past from ourselves prevent another from taking a "wrong turn", possibly one where children may be effected?

Another side to this arranged marriage concept is, how would you like to be the parent of the child that the community deems unfit to take another's hand in marriage?

In the "olden" days the community didn't bite their tongue. If you are going to be the downfall of another you would know it.

Is the concept so different from asking the father of your possible future bride for her hand in marriage?



Playin advocate

Peace and Power
~Qwamii~

I work in the medical field and have had multiple interactions with people that had arranged marriages. I think the reason arranged marriages seem successful is because people have no illusions when they enter these and love doesn't cloud either party's judgement.

If the man is looking for a pretty woman and the woman is looking for a man with some ends, they don't lie and pretend to be looking for something else. There is a good chance that they don't know the people they are marrying so the chance that one or more of these people are being blinded by love or the divine-I-cee-king or it's counterpart is low as well. These folks are coming together for a common cause.

Now is this for me? Emphatically No! But I'm not knocking the hustle.

All marriages are arranged- regardless if we wish to see it that way or not. It's genetic, psychological and even sexual and social arranged marriages. And some might even suggest the stars/zodiac have a say in who we marry also. The point is, what is the most successful system? Culturally in certain African traditions a Family could pick a mate for their Son even before that mate was born. A Female could own the womb of another woman. That female could say to another "if you have a daughter I want your daughter to marry my Son."

Usually those females were close friends, or spiritual Sisters within the same system. Culturally people don't arrange marriages for love. We hear East Indians saying the same thing. You "learn" how to love. Better yet, love is the result of learning how to understand someone. Today some marriages are arranged sometimes based and survival and possession.

You can be certain the female that has been told she is beautiful from the time she a baby will want a Man to tell her she is beautiful, make her feel beautiful and buy her things that make her beautiful. Oh, and that's not an arranged relationship? Of course it is. It's a "setup"- same thing.

You can be certain that a boy that was raised around Men that gave positive attention to a certain type of Woman will want to marry that certain type of Woman. And even when your mind is strong enough to resist all of that "outside" programming, when you get right down to it, the mates we get along with "successfully" are sometimes extensions of familiar traits within our bloodline. Even in the case of interracial relationships.

The traditional arranged marriages we see working well are based on cultural sciences. It's not about Moms and Dads or families playing match maker. It's about People that understand the needs of people. You don't need to be married if you need something to make you happy, because happiness is a self-responsibility. Could we imagine what our relationships would look like if Spiritual African Elders were the ones that scientifically matched us up??