I mentioned this topic in Sister Chat a couple weeks ago, thinking we could get a chat session out of it as I think it plays a large role in the disconnect in our relationships. Emotional affairs cover so many things, but basically means you're sharing intimate/personal thoughts/feelings with someone other than your partner - often to the exclusion of your partner and about your partner. Whether that be with your same sex friends, your family, or someone of the opposite sex.

For me, an emotional affair outranks physical infidelity 10 to 1.

Thoughts?

:qqb013:what is the basis that we cannot share or relate with anyone except our partner? i mean who came up with that stuff?

I dont understand your point or question. Clarify please
:SuN045: :thinking:

Emotional affairs cover so many things, but basically means you're sharing intimate/personal thoughts/feelings with someone other than your partner - often to the exclusion of your partner and about your partner.
I believe it plays a large part in the disconnect as well, especially when you're talking about your partner and they do not have a clue. We all have a need to vent of course, but as difficult as it is to discuss some things with our partner, that's exactly what we need to do.

I dont understand your point or question. Clarify please
as we all get bent out of shape over issues of monogamy, i wonder were the practice came from.
is it brought to us by the same people who brought us monotheism? does anybody ever think about some of the stuff that we follow so determined?
who says that we should all be monogamous? is it some ancient african practice? or did we learn it from the white man?

why is it a standard?

before i start following a practice i like to know the derivation of it. what is it's foundation in the law?
did maat say i can only share emotions with my partner?

I'm with you Brother James!

Although we are one, we still are individuals who have different thoughts, needs, and desires. What i discuss with my s/o and what i discuss with my friend doesn't necessarily have to affect my relationship with my partner.

Sometimes there will be issues i may not know how to present to my partner. A friend can help me to re-evaluate my concerns. Find solutions to my dilemma, let me know if i'm being to sensitive, or, whether i'm overreacting. A friend is like an extra support system (a go between if you will). Someone who can ease tension in a difficult time. Someone, who in return, you are there for also.

My partner doesn't have to know every single detail about whats going on in my mind, and the truth is, no one person will ever know ever single detail pertaining to they're mate and/or friend. That isn't what destroys relationships. What destroys relationships is our inability to communicate when the time calls for it. If we can not do this, then a problem will occur.

In a case like that, a friend can provide guidance, assurance, and support. Everyone should have a friend like this, because there will come a time when ya gonna need one.

I got a few of 'em!

:heart:

Very interesting....let me roll this around in my head....I'll be back through



:qqb013:

I wonder if I'm being misunderstood, so let me expand a little: I was referring to emotional affairs - usually with one other person who is not your signficant other (SO) . not just sharing regular thoughts/feelings with someone other than your spouse, but intimate emotions. A few scenario's:

1. speaking about your day more often with this other person than your SO
2. discussing negative/intimate details about your SO, while your SO is unaware

To me, these are the signs of emotional disconnect, when one spends more time discussing their day to day lives with another, or turns to another with problems/issues in the relationship - while the SO remains unaware.

When one would rather not spend time with this person in the presence of their SO because they feel uncomfortable/stinted in how they communicate, whether that be in speech or behaviour - or if their mannerisms change towards their SO when this other person is around. If one would rather keep this relationship completely apart and seperate from their main relationship because they feel they need an outlet completely seperate, so much that one would not feel comfortable talking about the same issues with their SO.

These things constitute an emotional affair and cannot possibly be healthy for your main relationship. If you (or your SO) are spending the emotional energy bonding and building a relationship to the exclusion of each other - surely this is cause for disconnect.

I understand that various people in our lives play different roles in our devlopment and understanding. Of course one can appreciate an external eye on a particular situation - but the problem is when one does gain a new perspective and no longer shares the journey of getting there with the SO. This is how people grow apart.

:heart:

I wonder if I'm being misunderstood, so let me expand a little: I was referring to emotional affairs - usually with one other person who is not your signficant other (SO) . not just sharing regular thoughts/feelings with someone other than your spouse, but intimate emotions. A few scenario's:

1. speaking about your day more often with this other person than your SO
2. discussing negative/intimate details about your SO, while your SO is unaware

To me, these are the signs of emotional disconnect, when one spends more time discussing their day to day lives with another, or turns to another with problems/issues in the relationship - while the SO remains unaware.

When one would rather not spend time with this person in the presence of their SO because they feel uncomfortable/stinted in how they communicate, whether that be in speech or behaviour - or if their mannerisms change towards their SO when this other person is around. If one would rather keep this relationship completely apart and seperate from their main relationship because they feel they need an outlet completely seperate, so much that one would not feel comfortable talking about the same issues with their SO.

These things constitute an emotional affair and cannot possibly be healthy for your main relationship. If you (or your SO) are spending the emotional energy bonding and building a relationship to the exclusion of each other - surely this is cause for disconnect.

I understand that various people in our lives play different roles in our devlopment and understanding. Of course one can appreciate an external eye on a particular situation - but the problem is when one does gain a new perspective and no longer shares the journey of getting there with the SO. This is how people grow apart.

:heart:




Zulile,

Although, more explanation or clarity was needed in addition to the initial information you posted, I thought watzinanzme was on point, and showed a good grasp of the thread's intentions.

Purple also grabbed onto what you were seeking with the original thoughts posted. Notwithstanding, the additional examples that you have laid out, makes the point ever clearer, but makes me wonder why you felt more examples were needed. What say you Zulile?

In my view, of course watzinaname pinpoints the problem for me, why hold onto the main partner, if you have begun to have emotional affairs? When this occurs, its no wonder your view, and I agree, of such an affair outranks physical infidelity. At the point that an emotional affair enters the main relationship, the main relationship is over. Afterall, it is the very same manner in which the main relationship no doubt started, as an emotional affair.

That is why I agree with watzinaname, unless the main relationship is over, why would one begin an emotional affair, or, before the main relationship deteriorates, why not exercise emotions inside of the main relationship by talking and communicating. Otherwise, the person guilty of having an emotional affair has done so without the consent of his or her partner, and becomes responsible for the disconnect.

Hello Clyde :heart:

Yes, I felt Sister Watz was on point.

I felt the need to clarify further as both James and Sister Purple seemed to have misunderstood me based on their responses. Not that they have to agree ;) I would like clarification from them based on my more precise definition.

Brother James tied the idea to monogomy and it's 'evil' inventors, to which I cannot adequately respond as I dont see the connection in context. Perhaps if I explained myself further, he'd return with the likness between monogomy and emotional fidelity and how neither should effect your primary relationship. He speaks of Ma'at, I'd like to know how emotional infidelity ranks there in his relationship successes.


Sister Purple stated: "What i discuss with my s/o and what i discuss with my friend doesn't necessarily have to affect my relationship with my partner." I must disagree with that as it depends entirely on the nature of the discussion, thus my need for clarification.


I liked this statement of yours "At the point that an emotional affair enters the main relationship, the main relationship is over. Afterall, it is the very same manner in which the main relationship no doubt started, as an emotional affair." Well said.

:heart:

Hello Clyde :heart:

Yes, I felt Sister Watz was on point.

I felt the need to clarify further as both James and Sister Purple seemed to have misunderstood me based on their responses. Not that they have to agree ;) I would like clarification from them based on my more precise definition.

Brother James tied the idea to monogomy and it's 'evil' inventors, to which I cannot adequately respond as I dont see the connection in context. Perhaps if I explained myself further, he'd return with the likness between monogomy and emotional fidelity and how neither should effect your primary relationship. He speaks of Ma'at, I'd like to know how emotional infidelity ranks there in his relationship successes.


Sister Purple stated: "What i discuss with my s/o and what i discuss with my friend doesn't necessarily have to affect my relationship with my partner." I must disagree with that as it depends entirely on the nature of the discussion, thus my need for clarification.


I liked this statement of yours "At the point that an emotional affair enters the main relationship, the main relationship is over. Afterall, it is the very same manner in which the main relationship no doubt started, as an emotional affair." Well said.

:heart:




Zulile,

Thank you, you are a doll. I see! And you explained yourself nicely. jamesfrmphilly doesn't count:) JK, he was definitely pushing his agenda in contradiction of the thread, a fairly familiar pattern for james:).

Again, thanks for the compliment given to my wording, that's what real experience teaches, thank God I can recover from a fall!

I wonder if I'm being misunderstood, so let me expand a little: I was referring to emotional affairs - usually with one other person who is not your signficant other (SO) . not just sharing regular thoughts/feelings with someone other than your spouse, but intimate emotions. A few scenario's:

1. speaking about your day more often with this other person than your SO
2. discussing negative/intimate details about your SO, while your SO is unaware

To me, these are the signs of emotional disconnect, when one spends more time discussing their day to day lives with another, or turns to another with problems/issues in the relationship - while the SO remains unaware.

When one would rather not spend time with this person in the presence of their SO because they feel uncomfortable/stinted in how they communicate, whether that be in speech or behaviour - or if their mannerisms change towards their SO when this other person is around. If one would rather keep this relationship completely apart and seperate from their main relationship because they feel they need an outlet completely seperate, so much that one would not feel comfortable talking about the same issues with their SO.

These things constitute an emotional affair and cannot possibly be healthy for your main relationship. If you (or your SO) are spending the emotional energy bonding and building a relationship to the exclusion of each other - surely this is cause for disconnect.

I understand that various people in our lives play different roles in our devlopment and understanding. Of course one can appreciate an external eye on a particular situation - but the problem is when one does gain a new perspective and no longer shares the journey of getting there with the SO. This is how people grow apart.

:heart:

My auntie use to tell us, "Gurrls, you need to have three mens in your life. A rich one, a young one, and a fool!" :lol: While i never practiced this philosophy for myself, i knew where she was coming from.

When i think about this, what comes to mind is the relationship with the partner has somehow drifted apart. If i was in a situation like this, i think the reason for it would be, i'm unsure about my partner at this point. Somewhere we lost a very vital part of why we loved each other, but yet i still love him.

This friend/confidant, may possess that vital part we're missing and i'm still confused about where i want to stand at this point in my relationship to my s/o. Theres no sex involved, but lots of emotional support.

So yes, it's not a great place to be, but its still not worse than physical infidelity. I say this because it's easier to work out an emotional affair with your partner than it is to work out one of infidelity. Besides, who's to say the partner doesn't know? Who's to say if the partner even cares? Care as in, its not even a problem for him/her. For someone to have and emotional affairs tells me, problems existed long before the friend came into the picture. If a partner doesn't notice their s/o is not happy, then shame on him/her too. If they love each other, than they truly got work to do. If the relationship is dead, then someone or both needs to move on. Stop hurting each other in that way.

While the problem didn't start with the supportive friend, it can cause the couple to drift further apart. So where i'm going with this is basically, the disconnect was already brewing long before the new found friendship. It didn't happen when the friend came into the picture. But unfortunately, the relationship with the couple may end there, or it may even begin again.

:heart:

This brings a song to mind. Now pay attention people, it's a very valuable message lurking inside.

_wXBS9ABnQ8&hl

:heart:

Right, Sister Purple :heart: I hear you.

I think it is important for one to be able to recognize when friendship begins to borderline an emotional affair.. it's a gradual thing and a slippery slope indeed as when mentally soothed, most sense goes out the window ;) and one prefers to justify the relationship, rather than question the path it's taking or the effects on your main relationship.

The reason I feel emotional infidelity hits harder that physical infidelity is that sex, in itself, doesnt always mean very much. Sex does not need to involve emotional attachment to happen. My SO may solicit a hooker, have a one night stand, bonk the girl next door type thing - and yes, it would hurt terribly - but not as much as my SO sharing his time, his intimate mind and emotions with another, without the sex. If my SO prefered to share his daily issues, thoughts and emotions with another, including thoughts about me, thoughts about us and our intimate life, if he developed an emotional closeness with another person - to my exclusion. man oh man - I'd likely never recover. That is a betrayal of the nth degree, to me, and very difficult/painful to correct - for all parties concerned.

:heart:

Right, Sister Purple :heart: I hear you.

I think it is important for one to be able to recognize when friendship begins to borderline an emotional affair.. it's a gradual thing and a slippery slope indeed as when mentally soothed, most sense goes out the window ;) and one prefers to justify the relationship, rather than question the path it's taking or the effects on your main relationship.

The reason I feel emotional infidelity hits harder that physical infidelity is that sex, in itself, doesnt always mean very much. Sex does not need to involve emotional attachment to happen. My SO may solicit a hooker, have a one night stand, bonk the girl next door type thing - and yes, it would hurt terribly - but not as much as my SO sharing his time, his intimate mind and emotions with another, without the sex. If my SO prefered to share his daily issues, thoughts and emotions with another, including thoughts about me, thoughts about us and our intimate life, if he developed an emotional closeness with another person - to my exclusion. man oh man - I'd likely never recover. That is a betrayal of the nth degree, to me, and very difficult/painful to correct - for all parties concerned.

:heart:

Very interesting perspective Sister Zulile! And i understand where you're coming from too, and agree to some point. I'll tell you why. Sex is like the
ultimate consummation to most people. When a partner steps outside of that agreement, its like the tell tell that the relationship is over. It really doesn't matter if no emotional bond has been attained. An emotional bond has definitely been broken. And that bond is to never give yourself to another in such a way. Most people don't want a partner after someone else has enter their loves one body. The very thought of it is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually damaging. More so, than just talking a good talk.

When a partner finds out the other has been confiding in another, the next most potent question is always, "Did you sleep with him/her?" If the answer is yes, you can almost see a persons soul collapse to the floor. That is the final blow.

This is not to say that i don't agree with your reasoning, because i do, but somehow i feel me and my partner could work though and emotional attachment. That is of course, if a strong bond was ever built in the first place.

:heart:

I mentioned this topic in Sister Chat a couple weeks ago, thinking we could get a chat session out of it as I think it plays a large role in the disconnect in our relationships. Emotional affairs cover so many things, but basically means you're sharing intimate/personal thoughts/feelings with someone other than your partner - often to the exclusion of your partner and about your partner. Whether that be with your same sex friends, your family, or someone of the opposite sex.

For me, an emotional affair outranks physical infidelity 10 to 1.

Thoughts?




There are some things you can only discuss with someone that is familiar with the topic. There are some things I cant talk about with you because, you have difficulty talking about it. I think you may be going a bit far

This subject is way off base from the door. The first reason it is off base is because I happen to know that "emotion and thoughts" are not separate entities. I know that behind every emotion is a thought and that emotions are nothing more than thoughts that resonate or vibrate through the body. Since most people do not understand this reality they view thoughts as one thing and emotions as another thing, when they are not, whether they are conscious or subconscious.

Based on this understanding, it is impossible to share your thoughts or emotions with just "One Person". Queen does not necessarily understand every thought I have or seek to express with her on the level that I may need those thoughts understood so that I get the feedback that I already know that I need. If she does not understand every thought then she can not understand every vibration of those thoughts that we call emotion. I likewise can not understand every thought or vibration of hers either.

In terms of which is the greater betrayal, it would be my having an affair physically. The reason for this is because my sexual union with anyone is more than just a physical act. Sex for me is the culmination of my thoughts, vibration of those thoughts, spirituality and life sameness that we share in terms of those values. If I should sleep with another woman it in essence means that it is "over with the one I have" and that our values have either died or out-grown the relationship we were sharing. Me and my ex-wife are good friends as of today. We recognized that it wasn't about us ever stopping our love for and in each other, we simply grew in separate directions and ways and respected that those differences would be too much conflict between us for us to stay together.


P.S. Now when I was a less developed person I looked at women like cars. If I saw a nice model car I just had to test drive it just to see how it felt. As I became more wholistic and matured within myself, I began to understand that my physical acts were an expression of my inner world, such as my thoughts, the vibrations of my thoughts that we call emotions and my spirituality. So in essence I can have an emotional affair and share intimate details with them. The reality is that, that might be all we have in common. Our values may not be the same. Our spiritual realities may not be the same. I may not even find them physically appealing...but they obviously must be my friend and someone that I know I can share myself with on that level and receive the same back. We like the idea of coming to the table with 100% of who we are but sometimes that 100% isn't fully blending with the 100% you're bringing but you can work with it....it just doesn't work all the time...and when it doesn't it's good to know that there's someone else that can possibly help you to re-balance things within yourself or as it regards your S/O.

Very appropriate clip, Sister Purple!

Nice song, too :)

Keita :heart:

I can see the strong overlap of thought and emotion but question if they are the same entity. I think there are parts of thought that have no emotions involved, and emotions that have no thought involved. Concious or logical thought, that is. People experience emotions with no thought behind it, whether it be a certain colour, a particular smell - when folks become 'overemotional' thinking often leaves the picture (Rage, extreme sorrow etc). While it is true that when things pass and one gives the emotion some thought, one can look back and connect the dots. eg that smell that makes one feel so good was from a favourite babyfood as a child. But until one makes the concious connection, it's nothing but emotion. Many times it is emotion that causes one to conciously think of the cause, and sometimes one simply doesnt bother and goes with good vibe ;) But this a whole nother topic.

I appreciate your input. Although we may disagree on the definitions of emotions/feelings/thought - perhaps we can agree that they (as one or combined), when directed at someone other than your SO, is a cause for disconnect within the relationship. Again, I'm not saying partners need to be (or CAN be, or WANT to be for that matter) 100% transparent - impossible. But surely there are degrees of mental intimacy that should be shared and conciously maintained between each other first and foremost.

It's all good to say "my mind and body are one", but quite another to live it. Thoughts/emotions precede action - I'm not saying emotional affairs lead to physical affairs - but they lead to leaving by either party unless checked ;) Sharing thoughts/emotional energy (of an intimate nature) - to another person at the exclusion of your SO - leads to a serious disconnect within a primary relationship.

If my partner and I had silent dinners, conversation near nothing - some might call that a comfortable silence - and it might very well be! but if he can gab on the phone/email another woman every day and not just talk about daily stuff, but about personal "us" stuff - stuff he never voiced to me - That he would act and/or make decisions that affect us both, based on those conversations which did not include me - THAT would hurt. The level of disconnect. But recovery, if wanted and identified, would be possible. If my SO had a physical affair, it's a done deal. I'd walk and would expend as little time/energy as possible on it. It would hurt like heck, yes, but his actions would have summed it all up for me.

I think people, in general, underestimate the power of thought/emotions, and an emotional affair is a slippery slope unless identified.

:heart:

I received an email from a destee lurker who told me I was barking up the wrong tree and that I'm missing what really counts - money. :lol:

The email basically said couples, once together, put currency at the top of their list for staying together - after that comes "FACE" - so emotional intimacy be darned. The person said that emotional disconnect is expected, and ok - as long as it doesnt upset the status quo, meaning, as long as one isn't shamed by physical infidelity, or publically embarrassed - talk all you want to who you want as long as you come home at night. :lol:

I'm laughing, as surely that can't be true!

:heart:

There are some things you can only discuss with someone that is familiar with the topic. There are some things I cant talk about with you because, you have difficulty talking about it. I think you may be going a bit far

http://i35.tinypic.com/2zidehk.gif
a bit far? Kem - please stay back. I do not wish to enter your world ;)

http://i35.tinypic.com/2zidehk.gif
a bit far? Kem - please stay back. I do not wish to enter your world ;)



LMAO The question is, are you even on this planet?

I know that behind every emotion is a thought and that emotions are nothing more than thoughts that resonate or vibrate through the body. Since most people do not understand this reality they view thoughts as one thing and emotions as another thing, when they are not, whether they are conscious or subconscious.
i really think you missed what he was saying, with emphasis on "conscious or subconscious". Every emotion does have a thought behind it. It is up to the person depending on how developed they are to go within themselves to find it as a means of understanding if their thoughts are correct or incorrect. If their thoughts are not correct then neither are their feelings. We are women and you know how we are. We want to be privy to everything and want to possess even when we don't admit it. So I understand you saying you would feel betrayed, even if you wasn't.

my emotions went out and had an affair. my person stayed home.

i really think you missed what he was saying, with emphasis on "conscious or subconscious". Every emotion does have a thought behind it. It is up to the person depending on how developed they are to go within themselves to find it as a means of understanding if their thoughts are correct or incorrect. If their thoughts are not correct then neither are their feelings.

That's clear, queen - thanks.

We are women and you know how we are. We want to be privy to everything and want to possess even when we don't admit it. So I understand you saying you would feel betrayed, even if you wasn't.

Contrary to the popular sterotype, I dont want to be privy to everything, in fact, am often annoyed when people feel the need to tell me things I dont need to know! :lol: As HRM at my last employment, I had to counsel and hear a whole lotta things, one person in particular - and now that I am gone from there things have escalated to such an extent it prompted this thread.

Just for clarification, I wouldnt feel betrayed by not knowing whats on my partners mind, or having incorrect emotions based on faulty thoughts ;) I would not need to search so deep find the reasons behind feeling betrayed if Ms XYZ on the corner knew about how my SO felt about my household and what's going on there before I did. It is that simple.

:heart:

my emotions went out and had an affair. my person stayed home.

You dont think that is possible? You do not think it is possible to betray your partner even when you're sitting right next to them saying nothing?

You dont think that is possible? You do not think it is possible to betray your partner even when you're sitting right next to them saying nothing?wow,zulile you are deep.

If you speak more to someone else besides your s/o apparently you never became friends with your s/o.
You must establish a friendship first before you agree to a initmate relationship.
Communication in any form is the key.

I mentioned this topic in Sister Chat a couple weeks ago, thinking we could get a chat session out of it as I think it plays a large role in the disconnect in our relationships. Emotional affairs cover so many things, but basically means you're sharing intimate/personal thoughts/feelings with someone other than your partner - often to the exclusion of your partner and about your partner. Whether that be with your same sex friends, your family, or someone of the opposite sex.

For me, an emotional affair outranks physical infidelity 10 to 1.

Thoughts?

I think you might be right Zulile. Whenever I am dating a man that I feel has my ultimate respect, as soon as he hits the mark of dissapointing me 3 times, which is my limit, I resrot to talking about him to my sister or close friends. By then, I know my respect for him is gone and there is no turning back. I feel so terrible being that way but I know that once I start talking about my problems with him to anyone, no matter who it is, my relationships with him is over, because the respect is gone.


So, I think emtotional affairs, at least for me depends on the respect I have for the man.



Sister


Astrologer4U

Contrary to the popular sterotype, I dont want to be privy to everything, in fact, am often annoyed when people feel the need to tell me things I dont need to know!



Oh God, me too.


Astrologer4U

This may sound...crazy to some...but I think I would be more hurt by an emotional affair than a physical one. Although either one is horrible.


For my man to exchange his heart with someone else, while he is with me....that is a wound that would take longer for me to heal, than a physical one.

Emotions....that is who we are.

I can honestly say that I've never cheated on a woman, but I can't deny that I have had feelings for other people while being in a relationship. I don't find that there's anything wrong with as long as you end it with the person who just isn't doing it for you and move on.......

For my man to exchange his heart with someone else, while he is with me....that is a wound that would take longer for me to heal, than a physical one.

I don't think I've ever pursued anyone that I had feeling for while I'm in a relationship....what do you actually consider "exchaning his heart" to be????

suppose i don't get emotional?

I can honestly say that I've never cheated on a woman, but I can't deny that I have had feelings for other people while being in a relationship. I don't find that there's anything wrong with as long as you end it with the person who just isn't doing it for you and move on.......

therein lies it all, Jahari - But you're young.. ;) How would you handle it if you were married?

suppose i don't get emotional?

then clearly you run no risk of being in an emotional relationship :lol:

How would you handle it if you were married?

this is why I want to make sure to marry the woman of my dreams, because the world is full of a lot of goodness (lol).....

then clearly you run no risk of being in an emotional relationship :lol:

HA HA HA!! Good One!

I don't think I've ever pursued anyone that I had feeling for while I'm in a relationship....what do you actually consider "exchaning his heart" to be????

Meaning...like, you care for this woman deeply beyond the realms of a friendship. Like, if you are finding yourself jealous when she goes out with other men....and your mad you can´t date her cas YOUR in a relationship... That is an emotional affair. When your mental occupancy starts to be of daydreams of her...uh, insteada ya woman. When you want to know what she´s doing....and not your gurl....Like Usher use to say....when ya Got It BAD.

this is why I want to make sure to marry the woman of my dreams, because the world is full of a lot of goodness (lol).....

JK, indulge us in the details of this fabulous dream gurl of yours....what´s she like?

**** emotionally dominated relationships...I gave up on that bullshyt along time ago and things have been going the way they are suppose to go...lol!

:yo: