When a child (teen) drops out of school, gets pregnant or impregnates someone, does drugs (using, selling, etc.), ends up in jail, refuses to work ... or any of the other things we consider "bad decisions" .... what percentage of the fault should the parent accept?

I realize that by the time teens can make the kind of choices above, a great part of the responsibility falls on their own shoulders ... but as that child's parent(s) ... don't we have to assume some percentage of responsibility ... since it was our job to teach the child ... and we obviously failed?

Or do you think all fault should be placed squarely on the shoulders of the child?

of a seed gone bad. My parents did everything that concerned, dedicated loving parents do. There is one caveat, I was assaulted (raped) in my early teens and never told anyone. As a result, I acted out my hostility, pain etc.

In retrospect, I did things specifically to my father because I felt like he should have been there to protect me. I venture to say that I agree with Kemestry, there are extenuating circumstances and some children will go astray regardless of the efforts of the parent(s).

I would like to add that the opposite also happens. My girlfriend as a third generation project baby. No father in the home, mother died from AIDS and her 23 year old brother died from heart disease. She determined that she "wanted" a different life. She went to job corp, learned a trade, got a job with the city, and is married with children. She was the motivation for her siblings to change the quality of their life. I know this does not directly address the question but I just wanted to point out that the opposite is also a possibility. Something positive can come from a negative environment.

knows a good thing. I have perpetuated the same values, ethics and morals in my own family. I know it was because of strong parenting and consistent modeling of their convictions that kept me from going ape****.

But in response to your observation Kemestry, I have heard that and seen the results of it also. I chose to learn vicariously.

WHEN THE PARENT IS A KID

PARENTS DO HAVE SOME RESPONSIBILTY

BUT EACH PERSON HAS AN INNATE PRE DESTINY "IF YOU MAY"
THAT THEY WILL FOLLOW THROUGH LIFE

I THINK THEY CALL IT

SOUL

PLAYS A ROLE IN THE CHILDS LIKE OF GROWING UP
YET AFTER TEACHING AND PREACHING THE VALUES
AND MORALS OF LIFE IF THAT CHILD GO ASTRAY
ITS NOT THERE FALUT BUT IN SOME CASES CHILDREN
CAN LOSE SELF IN THE STREET LIFE COZ OF MANY
BROKEN HOMES I AGREE WIT KEM AND JADE AS WELL
THERE ARE MANY WAYS A CHILD CAN GO BAD
MOST OFTEN I'VE SEEN THIS

As a parent of three young adults, I am not sure what is the correct formula for successful child-rearing. Children are individuals and have individual needs. I am sure, however, that if a parent approaches their child as a gift from God, deserving of love, understanding and guidance, one may be on the right approach. Parents need to teach by example. Children rebel at hypocrisy. I confess that all I learned came from my own upbringing and my parent's continual insistence and direction and consistency. Perhaps the only advantage of a segregated society, which was the case in my youth, was the close-knit neighborhood. There was agreement all up and down the street on what behavior was acceptable and what was honorable. We went to Sunday School because that is what all kids did. There was no question about that. If we got out of order, punishment was meted out on the spot by the nearest adult....and later at home by my parents.
I am reluctant to place blame (fault). So many factors are present in today's society that influence the outcome that are beyond the control of either parent or child. Unfortunately too many young people become parents before they have fully matured and able to make a conscious choice to become a parent. To simply command that a child go to school, stay out of trouble, avoid drugs is not enough. Parents must know what children should do - i.e. what activities are constructive, educational, character building...and participate with them. Perhaps too many parents have never fully developed their own potential and are somewhat limited in the ability to provide vision.
The society we live in today bears some of the responsibility. Media, entertainment, crime, "the good life" are all emphasized in excess. What the child sees, hears, thinks...are all directed by media outlets, peers, etc. A responsible parent must intercede and interpret for the child.
I have also been guided by a statement by Rev. Howard Thurman: "If we love a child and the child senses that we love him, he will get a concept of love that all subsequent hatred in the world will never be able to destroy."

I think many times it is the fault of the parent...but usually indirectly.

Many of my friends start letting their young girls and boys talk on the phone at age 10 or 11. I have yet to understand what kids that young have to talk about. They let their middle school aged kids go to dances at the school or community centers...but they don't stay to see what's going on. Many of my female friends dress their girls like little "ladies", not like little girls. People let their kids go to the park at young ages alone...some even let kids as young as 8 take public transportation alone...which is scary.

Some times I think some kids have too much freedom. My daughter was given a timeline at age 8. The time line was for both of us and served as a reminder/guideline for things she could look forward to. These things were stuff like: getting her ears pierced, shaving legs, dating, dances, proms, driving, giving out our home number, spending the night, having sleep overs, etc. Each age she was able to do something new, some ages she was allowed to do two or three things

Some of those things probably seem simple,but when you associate things to an age you think is appropriate for your child when they are still young and you stick to it, it really will floor you when you see how others let their children do just about the same things grown ups do.

So I'm not saying that parents can stop their kids from choosing to make a wrong decision, but I think we have a chance to prevent them from being exposed to a lot of negative things, and we have a chance to instill positive things if we are really taking a part of our child's life.

Well, that is just my experience. Try to lead by example.

I'm not saying that parents can stop their kids from choosing to make a wrong decision, but I think we have a chance to prevent them from being exposed to a lot of negative things, and we have a chance to instill positive things if we are really taking a part of our child's life.

I agree completely CarrieMonet!

my older brother always got good gradses.. str8 A's .. all that.. never was in trouble.. then in high schoool he got in trouble for stupid stuff... but my moms didint think much of it .. cuz it wasnt a reg... but 2 yrs later.. my moms finds him sellin drugs out her hose... while he has a job.. and goes ot college... was it her fault.. i dont think so.. he knew better... allot of times we are quick to blame parents for mistakes that their children made jus b/c its their kid...but when should responsibility be put on the person doign the wrong

and when a child does wrong.. is it the parents responsibility to help em out... cuz i kno my dad was liek he got himself in jail so im not helpin him.... should a parent always ahve to "rescue" their child

i have to agree as well carrieMonet that's the truth and reality
we can make a different in the role our children play in life growing up

Depends on the ages of the children. Up to a certain point, it is mostly the parents fault, but from the early teens on, the child picks up a higher % of responsibility. By adulthood, parents can still be responsible partly, but it is mostly on the child (person doing wrong).

One thing that I cannot stand though is parents who switch from side to side. The ones who want to take credit for all the positives and blame the children, the media, peers, and rap music for all the negatives...that is absolute garbage IMO.

Well spoken sister. If I may add children learn by two methods. Children learn by play/mimickery or by practice/repetition. Children play or mimic or imitate things that they've seen or hear. For instance a child learns how to curse by hearing someone curse, preferrably from someone they look up to. When a children wants to master a skill he/she practices it repeating it over an over again, much like when children play video games for hours. They will repeat playing the game until they win. So some questions for parents are; What are some things we as parents do that our children are imitiating or playing like or what kind of skills are our children practicing or repeating over and over again to achieve mastery? Also some other question we can asked ourselves; If not by parents who are our children learning from and looking up to? In some cases a child can just be a "bad seed" or have a medical condition. But for the most part if you are honest with yourself when you answer these question and your child is acting up you'll know where the problem lays.

Peace

Radical Faith

then in high schoool he got in trouble for stupid stuff... but my moms didint think much of it .. cuz it wasnt a reg... but 2 yrs later.. my moms finds him sellin drugs out her hose

Daroc,
No offense, but that is just what I'm talking about. Indirectly your mother played apart in your brothers choices. He started acting up and she didn't react to it. Sometimes even the best kids act up to get attention from their parents. I'm by no means blaming your mother because your brother was old enough to make a choice. But she could have intervened when he started acting up.

I notice almost every thing my daughter does. When her habits change slightly- it's noticeable, even if she is 15 minutes later coming home than she normally is. She will not be in trouble, but I will ask if she missed a bus, stopped somewhere, etc...since she didn't call to say she'd be late. It reminds her that I am aware of her schedule. It lets her know that I care about her well being.

carriemonet- no ofense taken... i feel wat u saying but at the smae time.. my bro wasnt really changing.. not in front of us.. he was the same person.. the stuff that happend in school.. he was punished fo... but i gues u can still say i think my moms kinda looked pass the stuff cuz it was not norm... "inocent mistakes" ..... but i feel wat u saying

I just believe that every parent should watch every child's move all the way up until they prove being responsible. Just because a child has reached a certain age does not always mean that that child is ready to be responsible. It is hardly ever that parents who guide their children all the way through High school have to witness their children falling behind. When you say that a child is old enough and responsible enough, then you send them out on their own, that is where they mess up. I am only speaking as someone who:
1. Was not guided by anyone
2. Has an older brother who was released on his own, then started to mess up.

I could remember when my brother was doing all the right things. Then when my mother allowed him to hang out as long as he wanted, go wherever he wanted, just treating him like an adult, the first thing that he does is drop out of school. Now he went to job corps and got his GED, but then ON HIS OWN, he did not want a job. He started hanging out with girls, and the wrong crowd. In doing so, he got arrested very often for episodes between him and those girls, and then he went to prison for selling drugs.

My point is, my mother was guiding him, he was doing good. My mother was not guiding him, he screwed up. What I am is what he could have been.

I suggest guiding children all the way up until they graduate from High School. That way, you know they are not going to be on the streets, drop out of school, and at least they will be able to find a descent job.

Getting back to the question. I think it is a 50/50 split. 50 represents how the parent raises the child so the child knows if they are doing something bad or not; the other 50 represents how the child reacts to the way they were raised. Is the child going to go against the parenting or not? Does the child know better under certain circumstances? That depends on how well their parents raised them.

In the end, if all goes well, it is NOT anyone's fault.

Cedric Denson

As a parent God grades you on how you raised your children. Did you teach them about the saving power of Jesus? Do/Did you take them to church? Do/Did you lead by example? A child learns almost everything from their parents rather they be good things or bad things the parents have influence. Educating a child is a never ending process. IM still learning from my parents as an adult. God designed children and parents to be a blessing to each other. A endless learning process for the parents as well as the children.

When its all said and done if you done your best according to the word in raising a child in the understanding of the bible and they still fail it is the childs failed. You as a parent should always be willing to help educate your child so that they can learn to overcome their mistakes.