I have a son(18) and a daughter(15) My daughter has taken life head on. I find myself not having to do much encouraging for her to make choices to secure her future. She sets goals and accomplishes them. Overall she is more responsible.

My son, on the other hand, I find needs more encouragement. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry to do anything, except girl watching.(though he is responsible sexually, thank God!) and hang out with the boys. He's a good kid, never been in any trouble and has always made the honor roll, since day one. He has talked about college often in his preteens, but now it seems as if he has no direction. Which to my best recall, started oh..... when he was about 16.

I have several friends and relatives who's sons and daughters seem to go through a similiar transitional drama.

My opinion,

Girls transition into adulthood seems to be smoother than Boys .


My questions,

Do you feel Girls have a smoother transition into adulthood?

Why do Girls have a smoother transition into adulthood then Boys?

Why do Boys have such difficulty with transition into adulthood?

Thanks

Madd Sistahly Love:heart:
CCBSKYN

i'll do some research and get back
i'll do my best to answer this quest !:kiss:

You are a wonderful thoughtful man. Thank you. :love:

Madd Sistahly Love:heart:
CCBSKYN

me too...

I haven't forgotten about ya...just getting my facts straight first...lol

I'll get back to ya...

K

I have heard some study that there is a message being conveyed to AFRICAN AMERICAN males around that age of 13-15.

Its like a turning point. In various degrees the 13-15yr old will either remain somewhat in that state or continue to grow to the full extent of that which is to become an adult.

One thing that I personally have fault with is, and this may not be the case, that for many young AFRICAN AMERICAN boys and girls there is no ceremony of that CHANGE into adulthood.

A full explanation that goes further than harmones, graduating highschool and turning an age to vote or drive.

Also, I feel that young people need to see mentors and examples of that which they wish to become.

I never viewed it from that perspective. You have a point. Other races have ritual/ceremonies to support the transition into adulthood.

After reading your reply I visited websites which provided tribal rituals/ceremonies. Many African Tribes have traditional rituals/ceremonies which helps their youth's transition into adulthood successful(lack of a better word). The entire (elder) community is involved. These rituals/ceremonies emphasized mostly on social values and personal developement.

And the Jewish ceremony Bar mitzvah initiating their male youth into adulthood. I'm sure there are many other cultural rituals/ceremonies.

I also talked with an African female friend of mine who stated, she participated in a transition ritual. She explained it was an isolated retreat with lasted a month where the community elder women constantly taught her what is expected of an adult woman, from character, being a wife, mother etc.

I agree with the mentor and role model issue. However, the friends and relatives children I spoke of, all have fathers living in the home, who I would consider good role models. This is what leads me to believe it's a little deeper than that. What do you think?

And

Do you feel girls transition into adulthood is smoother?
And if so. Why?

My opinion is a lot of our youth put too much emphasis on being adults for so many wrong reasons. Example; Legal age drinking, clubbing age, able to come and go as they wish, and as I have said when I was young, " I can't wait until I'm grown, so I can do whatever I want." Yes, I admit it. :o

You reply is very interesting and I'm going to start looking more in it. I thank you very much. :)

Madd Sistahly Love:heart:
CCBSKYN

I know you wouldn't leave me here all alone:)

Madd Sistahly Love:heart:
CCBSKYN

I am thinking that once upon a time, girls had a smoother transition into adulthood, because it was the man who went out and earned a living and supported his home and family, and it was the womans job to take care of the home, the family and her man...

So a young male grew up knowing he would most probably follow in his fathers footsteps or do something similar, and the young woman grew up learning to cook and clean and nurture, life was much simpler..

Today however, it is a whole different story...men and women now have the opportunity to further their education so that they can have careers, which in some cases means the family is put on hold, marraige is no longer a neccessity, and both women and men are free to choose what they want to do in life and how they want to do it...

I don't think the transition, in todays society, is any easier for the male or the female...females do mature at an earlier age than males but that doesn't make the transition easier, it just means males may be doing it at a later stage than females....

Both males and females no longer grow up knowing that at a certain age they should be responsible for their lives, of supporting themselves or of having families...they are free to choose to do this whenever they like...society has made it that way...age says they are an adult, but they do not act like it in a lot of cases...and what is adulthood....is it the reaching of a certain age, the taking on of certain responsibilities, acting in a certain manner....I'm guessing each would have their own interpretation of it...

As Nexis said, in a lot of societies, it was accepted that at a certain age or at a certain time in a young persons life, they would go through some sort of ritual or initiation ceremony that would make them men and women...this was a known fact to these young males and females and they had a knowing of what was expected of them....

Today, with the westernisation of so many countries, these rituals/ceremonies are being lost, or termed barbaric or against the rite of the child, with outside influence...

and this is not a racist comment in any way...but the only civilisation who never performed these rituals and ceremonies, were the white people, who are trying to outlaw them in many societies, and therefore change a whole culture and whole way of life....

So I think the transition into adulthood, in todays society has no age limit, no gender preference, but instead is an individual happening for each young male and female when they feel prepared to deal with the real world and accept the responsibilities that go with that acceptance...

K

answer to all questions:
(1) the "codes" of "gender" societies of any culture (western or eastern) is a huge determining factor throughout the childhood/adulthood stages..
(2) (and most impt.) the individual him/herself has more power and control over their maturity, responsibility and direction more than society or any other established and typical culture/gov't..


this is my general opinion:
any goal or perspective we have (or even experience) in our mature stages of development are the "built blocks"
designed on the foundation of infant/toddler/adolescenthood
which are the first three stages where viewing, observing, receiving, and responding to environments, circumstance, situations are first learned and INFLUENCE plays the biggest role throughout the whole transitioning process by which societies, cultures, but mainly the home are held most accountable in the conditioning and outcome of that child/adult.

now i know from experience that us fellas have a harder time maturing..

details later :wink:

Hi Coco ... great topic and I do agree
Our $$RICH$$NESS is a wonderfully thoughtful man :love:

I have a 23 yr old son, a 16 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old daughter, Destiny, who told me she needs a journal so she can write her private thoughts! :eeek:

Coco, my children's behavior, has been as you've described. My daughter more goal oriented and focused than my son. I have thought of this much and can't help but go back to the fact that he was raised without a father/male present. A female raising a man-child. Not any man-child, but a black man-child. I know yall can feel me. No easy task and I applaud all of my sisters who have taken it on ... especially if you're doing it alone.

I believe there is some truth that one can't (properly) teach what one does not know. I do not know how to be a black man. Don't get me wrong, I think I did a wonderful job, but I can't help considering the experience he never had. It must leave one a little "less-armed."

He got off to a slow start but soon learned adulthood meant "paying your own way." Matter of fact, what prompted him to move out was the fact that he could pay rent cheaper, somewhere else, than he could at home :lol: For a few less dollars a month, he could come and go as he pleased ... he's been gone a few years now! You gotta make 'em wanna leave :wink:

He's a very responsible young man, taking care of me, much more than I take care of him. As a matter of fact, I don't know what any of us girls would do without him! :eeek:

Like your son, he has never been in trouble, is respectful and overall a fine young man. That is a blessing. So many of our young men don't make it to adulthood without being fingerprinted, arrested, drugged-up, fathered-down, etc. Take the bless'n and run! :)

My daughter is as you've described, 16 and knows what college she wants to attend, has taken the SAT and ACT several times already, is being bombarded by colleges all over the US. I certainly can't take a whole bunch of credit for this, as she is the one that is making it happen. Determined to excel, oftentimes, too hard on herself I think.

Too many black boys are being raised without black men in their lives. As much as black women (should) want to see this changed, only the black men can make it happen. Even if your son has a father/male present in his life, many of his friends do not and the behavior of the group is determined by all ... our entire community feels the effect of black boys being raised without black men in their lives. We gotta get this part fixed, before moving on to the ceremonies, in my opinion.

Just my 2 cent.

No 2 people are alike, no 2 pregnacies, nor the circumstances
surrounding them ... so not much else will probably be the same.

Again Coco ... thanks for a great topic Gurlie :wave:

Destee

I really applaud what was said about this transition being based on the individual and environment. I feel these are the greatest factors of all considering what that individual is exposed to and whats an influence in that individuals environment.

Meanwhile.... have you check the lyrics on the latest R&B/RAP stations and music videos? SLAVERY aint got nothing on the genocidal garbage being promoted CONSISTANTLY at the minds of AFRICAN AMERICAN youth.

Mind you, this is without ceremonies to acknowledge the "rites of passage" into adulthood.

Originally posted by Destee
Even if your son has a father/male present in his life, many of his friends do not and the behavior of the group is determined by all ... our entire community feels the effect of black boys being raised without black men in their lives. We gotta get this part fixed, before moving on to the ceremonies, in my opinion.

Destee, If I could create a law, I would. I feel the idea of extended family must be put into play.

for the reality check. I have 3 children, my son (7) being the youngest. After reading the posts, I realized that if I don't do things differently he too could be the victim of someone else's circumstance.

I have consciously laid the ground work for each level of development for my daughters based on my own struggles. In retrospect, I have nestled my son in an attempt to protect "my baby" which is what he will be eternally if I don't employ the same developmental process with him also.

Again, thanks to the village for the assistance....

Waiting to hear from Sir Richness...

Typical Kemetstry response ... Mothers dont take their son's to things that emphasize maleness. Many dont think it's necessary. Many still, don't think about it at all.In defense of all women raising men alone, I commend you. Doing a task with your whole heart, to the best of your ability that was meant to be done by two, is not easy. With all of the responsibilities you have to shoulder, feeding, clothing, sheltering, teaching, loving, consoling, preparing, protecting, having to make all of the decisions, hoping that the choice(s) you make is the right one, never sure that it is, worrying, praying, hoping ... add to these, you must also teach him how to be a man. So please, if you fail to take your son to some "maleness exercise," be encouraged that you stayed with him and showed him what real love is, what commitment to him and his life means, by your being there ... a steadfast and very present help.

Kemetstry, you did not once mention a male's responsibility to his man-child. You did ask, Will women ban together to change the circumstances of their son's?I think it is evident that most women are doing all they can to help their sons, the one overwhelming piece of evidence being that she's present in her son's life, daily and forever. Why not ask will men ban together to change the circumstances of their sons?Will alliances be formed with males to assist?What more alliance needs to be formed after his sperm fertilizes her egg? The alliance is made right there. If he has any sense of responsibility, integrity and honor, he will be there for his son/child. If he does not, please don't put another weight on the mother's shoulders, to assist him in having some (integrity and honor). Remember, her hands are full, trying to teach her man-child how to be a man. Consider how much more difficult it must be to teach (assist) an already grown man these things.

It seems we do agree that black men being present in black boys' lives is what's missing. Again I say, only black men can make this happen. You will find it difficult to convince me that a man determined to be a present help in his child's life, can be kept from that, by any woman, court, public opinion, rain, sleet or snow.

Destee

Thank you. That was well put!..........I totally agree. I know there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! that could keep me from being involved in my childs life.......But death! My opinion is most nurturing mothers feel the same.

I salute the men and women accepting their responsibility no matter how the child arrived. :toast: Instead of making excuses not to.

You know the sad thing about all this....there is so much joy fathers miss out on not being involved in their childs life.....Wonderful is the unconditional love of a child and the warm feeling it gives.

Madd Respect
CCBSKYN

Coco, Destee:

You ladies said it well. The debate on who is at fault is a perpetual one. One in which I don't have the time or the luxury to participate in.

The heritage that I was blessed with gets all the time I can afford them.

I have no regrets....


:heart:

I also totally agree with what you have just said...

why does it all have to be up to the women to fix everything....

not only should the man be a man and be responsible for his child, but his love for that child should guarantee he is already there from the word go....

even if this is one of those times when the woman, god forbid, went ahead and had a child the male did not want, why does the male feel void of emotion and connection to that child, knowing he is the father...

the only person who can be male, black and a role model for the child ..is a male black person who wants to be there as a role model for his child...

if I were male and a woman gave birth to my child, hell or high water would not stop me from being in that childs life...it is my right and my duty to be there....and I would want to know that I was one of the main influences in my childs life....

this is not about male or female parenting...this is about loving your child enough to want them to have the best in life and to be the best they can be in life...

K

okay here we go again...another forum that has turned into a "If a man is a man he'd be there for his child." Well let's get something straight here. Women do not corner the market of child-rearing but the legal system (child support) and every tother perception of society makes it difficult for the man to be more than just the seed planter in their child's life IF THEY ARE NOT MARRIED BEFOREHAND.

According to Getting Men Involved: The Newsletter of the Bay Area Male Involvement Network, Spring 1997:



63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census”
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God’s Children.)
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)


(Because only a portion of each age group grew up in a fatherless home,) these statistics translate to mean that children from fatherless homes are:


5 times more likely to commit suicide
32 times more likely to run away
20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
14 times more likely to commit rape
9 times more likely to drop out of high school
10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution
20 times more likely to end up in prison.

Courtesy Mark Hall, Fathers Manifesto

Fatherless Boys Grow Up Into Dangerous Men
Here is yet another new study which confirms the importance of fathers in children's lives. In the December 1, 1998 issue of The Wall Street Journal, Maggie Gallagher's article Fatherless Boys Grow Up Into Dangerous Men reports on a study by the University of California's Cynthia Harper and Princeton's Sara McLanahan.
Using the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth database, the records of more than 6,400 boys were studied over a period of approximately 20 years of their development. According to the Wall Street Journal story, the study


...controlled for family background variables such as mother's educational level, race, family income and number of siblings, as well as neighborhood variables like the proportion of female-headed families in the neighborhood, unemployment rates, median income and even cognitive ability.... Boys raised outside of intact marriages are, on average, more than twice as likely as other boys to end up jailed, even after controlling for other demographic factors. Each year spent without a dad in the home increases the odds of future incarceration by about five percent.
The study also confirmed the findings of other researchers: Boys living with just their single fathers do not exhibit this increased rate of criminal behavior.

This latest study comes on the heels of several others with similar findings, and perhaps some family courts are already beginning to get the message when awarding custody. Single father homes have increased by 25 percent in just three years, according to the US Census Bureau.

Father's Rights Advocates to Protest Gender Profiling in Courts (http://fatherhoodcoalition.org/cpf/newswire/2001/PR_SJC_011002.htm)

The reality is this:

YES - there are too many single parent homes headed by women.

YES - There are not as many men in the lives of their children.

But the truth is that there would be more men in the home if the midset of women change. You all seem to think that it the man's fault he's not there. Where do you accept blame for telling them:

!. I don't need no man to raise MY child.

2. If you don't pay then you don't get ot see MY child.

3. I want a child but i don't want the father.

But then when it gets rough, the first thing you say is that the father is no good and he's not around. Well as a single father let me make one thing clear to all you misguided women's rights advocates. It's not as clear cut as you want it to be. The bottom line is yes there was a time when men found it convenient to up and leave but that is not every situation. Today more men suffer because they desperately want to be in the childs life but the mother is so angry at them that they make it impossible. You want the real story? How about the men who did everything they could for their family. Worked multiple jobs to pay bills and the child's mother decided the grass was greener on the other side. Now how is the man at fault there?

While i respect your views, there needs to be some light shed on this "pseudo-Amen" corner because your perceptions, assumptions and mindsets about this issue is wrong. There are a lot more men taking care of their business then you care to see because it is easier to pass the blame onto someone who doesn't speak up for themselves...

Saying that "If I were a man i would do this or that" is like a man saying "If i were pregnant i would do this or that." If you really put yourselves in our shoes you would not say the things you have. There no excueses here just plain facts. You don't know nor understand what men face once a child comes into this world.

Child support. Men are forced to support their child monetarily and yet cannot see the child if the mother feels he's not paying enough. If that the man's fault? No. The legal system has divided the process in two. One court for monetary support and another court for visitation rights. The sad thing is this. If the mother doesn't abide by the visitati9on rights, she doesn't suffer but if the man misses a childsupport payemtn then he loses his license, have his check garnished, his taxes taken and possible wind up in jail. You got more men in jail now trying to support their families then you do who had no future. How is a man supposed to pay when his license is revoked and he's a truck driver? Where's the common sense in that?

Why are boys slower to grow? Simple. becasue the male role model is gone. This concept of "have a baby, find a father later" has got to stop. Woman cannot and could not teach a young man how to be a man especially if they have some deep sedded anger towards the child's father. There are certain things a young man must learn from a male figure that no woman could ever teach simply because SHE IS NOT A HE. Same thing goes for a single father trying to teach his daughter things about a woman that he doesn't know anything about. To raise a child requires botht the mother and the father no matter how the relationship ended and whatever else occurs.

I do agree with Kemet on one thing. There is still choice to be made from the first kiss to penetration. It's not always on the man to make that choice. Here's a clue: MEN HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY OVER A WOMAN'S BODY. Therefore if the man is just there to fulfill a need for that moment then realize that and protect yourself. It takes two so if you messed up then why make him suffer the rest of his life. You slept with him now deal with the consequences of it and work together for the sake od the child.

One reader was right earlier. In the old days the family structure was more important than anyhting else. Divorce was not a commercialized, glorified concept as it is today. People stayed together inspite of each other. Sacrifices were made to raise the child right and the parents feelings towards each other were not evident in form of the child. Agruments occurred when the child was at school or sleep. Like my father always said, "NEVER IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN."

This society today has such a laxed attitude towards it all that they deem it easier to give excuses and place blame on someone else instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. No research in the world can define how to raise a child. All the books cannot change the mindset of the people today because we have grown so far away from traditional values. It's now a "I can make my own decisions world" which is more selfish than anything.

How about woman who have babaies just because they want something to love. And then after the child gets out of the infant stages they no longet want them? You want to have an amen corner? My suggestion is to pray for the children and not come into agreement over a tea about how men need to do this and men need to do that. Stop putting salt in an already open wound because it doesn't help the healing process.

Discuss something that can create solutions not male/female bashing.

Forgive me but i am sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. Men need to do this and that. Who gave you authority to dictate what a man/father/male is supposed to do? You carried the baby but who impregnated you? Heres a sad reality. Once the man plants that seed then his dutied is gone. It's no longer about him. He is left to sit around and be ridiucled only to be left out in the cold and have to deal with a society who is waiting for that child to be born so they can bend the man over and take everything he's worked hard for only to have the people around him say that men have babies and leave. This stereotyping is old, outdated and needs to change.

I spoke my peace and i am out...I need to go pay my child support...

Here's an excerpt from a recent column about the trend changing from single mother's homes to single father's...
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We're not just talking episodes of Cosby here. As my own experience and interviews with single fathers show, the hearts of men -- and the face of parenting -- are changing before our eyes. This is about fathers crying, cooking, being afraid, braiding hair, waiting with children at the doctor's office, the principal's office, after school at the soccer field. The bottom line is, more and more men are choosing to be hands-on, hearts-on fathers than ever before. It's hard work, for sure. The lack of time, sleep, adult stimulation and companionship all speak strongly against it. But the inner rewards of a day-in, day-out relationship with your children have no parallel. Fatherhood is something I would fight for, as previous generations of men fought for God, country or the right to be rich. If I can't love, nurture, and care for my own child, what does that say about me? And if society, or the legal system, won't help me, what does that say about them?

Everyone Benefits

More and more men, myself included, are appreciating a world beyond work and public success which they have traditionally used to define their life's purpose -- the world of toothless smiles and gravity-defying first steps, clingy hugs, a new color mixed, a shoelace tied, a pretty dress or pair of pants put on right, an egg cracked cleanly in two. A recent Gallup Poll found that a majority of American men -- 59 percent -- derive a greater sense of satisfaction from caring for their family than from a job well done at work. For many men this satisfaction is what helps them transcend the loss of a mate, or makes the oftentimes searing custody battles worth fighting.

This phenomenon cuts across socioeconomic and racial boundaries. Interviews with poor, unmarried fathers in Philadelphia produced the unexpected finding that not only are fathers important for their children, but children are enormously important in the lives of their fathers. "We asked them what their lives would be like without their children," said Kathryn Edin, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania. "We expected them to say their lives would be so much easier, but they said, `I'd be dead or in jail,' even if they're not involved with those children. Children have tremendous importance for fathers."

The law is beginning to catch up as well. Divorce laws of more and more states are taking into account the importance of children maintaining relationships with dads as well as moms after divorce. The more than 40 states which now presumptively call for joint custody of children is an enormous change. Just twenty years ago the default to motherhood was such a foregone conclusion that few men bothered to challenge the standard "every other weekend and two weeks in summer" visitation schedule customarily imposed on fathers.

It's change long overdue. Of the sixty families studied for the seminal 1980 book, "Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce," only three were joint custody. The rest were settled with primary physical custody to the mother. Authors Judith Wallerstein and Joann Kelly made some surprising discoveries about the consequences of these policies by studying them from the point of view of the children, not the divorcees.

"In our study, two-thirds of the youngsters were seeing their fathers at least twice a month. Their visits were thus at a level deemed `reasonable' [by prevailing custom and the courts], yet during our initial interviews, children expressed the wish for increased contact with their fathers with a startling and moving intensity. The poignancy of their reactions is astounding, especially among the six-, seven-, and eight-year-olds," Wallerstein/Kelly concluded. "They cry for their daddies -- be they good, bad, or indifferent daddies. I have been deeply struck by the distress children of every age suffer at losing their fathers."

I thought about giving up my own custody battle -- for about two minutes. I'm certain my Ex expected I would, and I suspect that a majority of Americans expect most men to do just that. After all, the predominant image in the media today of fathers-without-mates is still the absentee dad, the deadbeat dad, the career-at-all-costs dad. A title search at the San Francisco Public Library on "Fathers," "Single Fathers" and "Single Dads" yielded a litany of woeful titles such as No Fathers, Fatherless America, God, Where's My Daddy? Daughters Without Dads, The Fatherless Generation, Do I Have a Daddy?, When Is Daddy Coming Home?, Mothers Alone. When the star of early television's "Father Knows Best" show, Robert Young, died, the San Francisco Chronicle ran a cartoon of two children sitting side-by-side before a television screen with Young's image. "What's Father Knows Best?" one child asks. "What's a Father?" the other responds.



A father is the stay-at-home dad divorced by a high-powered corporate attorney who fights for -- and wins -- full custody of his two girls in a Florida appeals court.


A father is the California contractor who drove 12 hours every two weekends to be with his son, then won sole custody after 14 years.


A father is the retail executive who quit his job after his wife abandoned him and his two children, and took the same job he had as a teenager in a produce market in order to have the flexibility to care for his kids.


These men were among the dozens I interviewed for my book, "No Such Thing as an Ex-Father: The Joys and Challenges of Fatherhood After Divorce." Dads who stayed. Dads who work, clean, sing, cry, help with homework, who skip meetings to go on field trips or overnights. Dads who love. As the Elian Gonzalez case shows, these kinds of Dads are all around us, but still largely ignored and unacknowledged. Just as it took generations of distant fathers to create the stereotype of the deadbeat dad, it will take at least one generation of loving ones, if not more, to destroy it. Ultimately, the stereotypes of parenting will be changed only by creating new ones.

"I was the one who went to the meetings with the teachers, I was the one who took them to the doctors. I was the biggest factors in their lives during our marriage," recalled Ezra Hunter, a 38-year-old San Francisco tour boat captain and high school basketball coach with custody of three daughters 11, 8 and 7. "I know I was going up against the whole stereotype of the black man who leaves his family. You know -- `He can father kids, but not raise them.' But I'm so competitive, I took it as a kind of challenge. It made me live up to the task [of fatherhood after divorce] even more. I know that in my case I am a better man, a better father, alone. I learn more about myself and about my daughters every day. As long as we can stay open with each other, we've learned that we can fight through anything together."


Ezra Hunter and millions of other men are creating a new model of fatherhood that is transforming individuals, the shape of the American family, and, ultimately, our society itself. We can only guess what the impact will be on children to have a generation of fathers who were there for the first step, the first solid food, the first soccer goal, the first date. In their devotion, their groundedness and their joy, we already are seeing the effects on the fathers themselves. From across the divide of sexual politics -- or in Elian Gonzalez's case, across the gulf of Cold War politics -- fathers are sending the message loud and clear: "WE MATTER!"

It's a shame it's taking the American media so long to catch up.




Jeff Gillenkirk is a San Francisco-based writer and author of the forthcoming book, "No Such Thing as an Ex-Father: The Joys and Challenges of Fatherhood After Divorce." He last wrote for "America" about divisions in the Catholic Church in Nicaragua.



This piece first appeared in the Nov. 4, 2000 issue of America Magazine, and is copyright © 2000 by Jeff Gillenkirk.

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The treend has been changing but the question is when will the mindset catch up. Men DO want to be in their childrens lives. Men DO want to be valued fathers. How about giving MEN a break...

This is one of your statements, "The problem is no male role models." Your replies in the few threads and your opinion of women, in my opinion isn't the kind of male role model our young black males need. It causes them to not face up to their responsibilities. You are telling them, that FACTS says YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF A CHILD YOU HELP PRODUCE. You speak on FACTS! Is it not a FACT! The man is the child's FATHER! Or are you not interested in that FACT?
Another of your statements, "This is the time for acknowledgement, change and organized action." Correct! Acknowledgement of the ( FACT), the man is the father of the child and the FACT that his involvement in the childs life can make a HUGE difference in his survival. Change" Yes! Time to CHANGE you negative attitude towards the black women.
Yet another of your statements, "To bring up the problem and pose no solutions is a wasted exercise." To continue to bring up the solution of SOLELY blaming the black woman for the all the problems our young black males face is RIDICULOUS! When she is doing her part of being the mother and raising that child to the best of her ability as a single parent. It is a FACT!(using your word again)..... That she can not and will not EVER be able to be a father to a male and teach him how to be a man.
You've mentioned the word FACT repeatedly. The FACT is...put yourself in the position of a fatherless child......NO MATTER what programs, role models, mentors a mother interduce her son to WILL NEVER wipe away the FACT that his BIOLOGICAL FATHER was too selfish to love and accept the responsibility of a son he helped create.
Lastly you stated, "An effort must be made by the mother to provide that for the child. If that is not done early on, then the mother has failed her male child."
What effort must the father make and provide for a child who is FACT! his?
And FACT...... if that isn't done early on, then the is FACT he has FAILED.....NOT the mother, because she is fullfilling her role.

In my opinion, Your views are that which continues to DRIVE a WEDGE between black men and women.....and any fatherless children who reads your words I pray will not resent the job their single mother did at raising them alone. You perpetuate the disrespect the black men has for the black women. I also pray you do not teach these views to your son and the son's of other

A man who admits his mistakes isn't less of a man, but more of a man. The same goes for women.

Dnommo, If you read the topic and the replies to the topic, this wasn't a male/female bashing discusion. At least it wasn't until Kem and you posted your replies. No disrespect intended. This was concerning transition difficulties into adulthood. My opinion, the replies prior to Kem and yours were constructive remarks and had no bashing of men or women.

An opinion is better received when you don't come out on the attack. or with an aggressive attitude. It turns people off and they nolonger hear or don't care to hear what you have to say.

Now Kem and you can go and pick bits and pieces of what I stated and use them to your advantage, but the FACT is morally for the sake of our children and our people we need to STOP! this kind of behavior MEN AND WOMEN! And start loving & respecting EACH other. FACT........that is the BEGINNING TO THE SOLUTION!!!

Madd Sistahly Love:heart:
CCBSKYN

this all started from Kemet's comment about mother's not taking their sons to male related events. From that point on it went down hill. My response is simple and to the point. I feel that a discussion that had nothing to do with Male bashing should not revert to that. Kemet's comment was not to instigate but to educate. It is very ture that there are some disadvantages to a SINGLE PARENT home but the gender is not always the reason.

My frustration comes from the topic heading in that direction, which usually happens when such topics are discussed. I was not the instigator of it but i was one who expressed that the topic should not have gone that way. Reread my comments. I provided support for the breakdown of a single parent home for those who feel to participate in an AMEN corner of Men ain't no good.

My opinion is will express as i see fit. This is an open discussion and if you want to place blame i suggest you place it further up the thread instead of associating it with me and Kemet. What Kemt does is his business. I felt that this discussion should not have taken the road it went down, not from the beginning but from the middle.

i read all of the comments but the responses did not come from me. i responded to the other post. i did read the intial comments and questions and i was waiting for the facts from $$$RICH$$$ but once again a simply harmless topic reverted back to the old lineage of MEN need to do this and that. While i agree with your question in the beginning, it was not i nor Kemet that started the thing about men needing to do something about it. I expressed the simple dusgust that whenever there comes a problem between male and female teens someone wants to use this as an avenue to express man aren't doing what they should. It's not that clear cut. I did not come in to instigate but defend which i saw reason to when the satements were made. I am well aware of how Kemet does and i don't follow suit in his words. I was replying to the other comments not his.

While i thank you for your lesson on how to state an opinion i would suggest you review the other responses and see how their repsonse were attacks on the male gender. Opinons are taken no matter how they are expressed and they are heard in no matter what form they are expressed. A debate can go from many levels but if you feel the only way to be heard is in a passive manner, then that is your choice but i prefer to call a spade a spade and when people start ringning in about men that and men that, sitting back and being passive about it doesn't resolve it. My tactics are just that MY TACTICS. The methods is use are effective depending upon the issues at hand. I expressed my disgust in a manner that deemed fitting. If you disaprove? Well that doesn't matter. You expressed the question. You may not see it that way and that is your choice but the mindset is clear.

Kemet answered your question not incited a riot but his words were picked apart which in turn started this trend again of taking responsibility. No offense taken but let's be real here.

The sad thing about it is this. You agree with me on the fact that petty bickering needs to stop and yet you don't even see that. I beleive i made that clear. Did you read my whole comment or just picked it apart as you assume i would do yours? I answered your question but i also stated that the discussion should deal with the issue at hand not a forum to vent the absence of the male role figure. As i said earlier. There are certain things a mother could not teach a male as well as certain things a father cannot teach a female. That was stated in my comments as well as other things and yet as that was percieved was the tone in which it was stated? That is sad...

But then again that is my opinion...

Coco ... I couldn't agree with you more.

If I may add ...

My mother told me that a bad father is better than no father at all. She said, "at least a child knows what it doesn't want to be or have." I'm saying this to say, even black men who have not learned to accept the full consequence of their decisions, are still needed in the big scheme of things. There are women too that have yet to learn this, so those guys are not alone. :wink:

Fortunately, there are Black men who accept the consequences of their decisions, totally and completely. Black men who cringe at the thought of another man or another woman or another person, or another anything, being "over" their child. I'm talk'n 'bout grown Black men. Black men who don't let her mouth, get in his way. Black men paying their child support and never letting their child feel and/or hear themselves being equated to some dollar amount (what's in the heart, will manifest itself). Black men who recognize the value of their seed and masculine-ly sacrifice their own lives, their own desires, their own wants ... for that seed. Black men who refuse to let their child grow up without a father, like they did. Black men fighting for and winning custody of their children. Black men raising their babies alone. Black men who not only accept their own responsibility, but oftentimes take on another Black man's responsibility ... I'm talk'n 'bout grown Black Men.

The topic is not about bashing. It's about what do we do. Let me say here, it's not just the boys that are suffering the absence of a black man, our little girls are too. While it manifests itself in many ways, she is not as bad off as her male counterpart, because she does have benefit of a role model, if you will, a black woman. As good as our girls are doing, imagine how much better they'd be doing if they too had the added benefit of a father's love. Powerful.

Unfortunately, it is our young black males that are taking the brunt of this. Again I say, only black men can fix this problem. Only Black men have the tools, the answers, the secrets, the insight, the wisdom, the knowledge, the depth, of being a Black man.

Destee

I'm sure, we can go with statisitcs and the like.. forever. But I'm also sure that most black folks, don't have to go as far as their neighborhood, or family members to see the detriment of
children being raised without fathers. In every rule there is exceptions. I'm sure there are women who don't let their
ex's see their children, I'm sure there are women who puts a man through difficulties by using the child as a weapon and if that is the case, it still doesn't justify leaving a child to fend for
themselves and grow up trying to figure out the tools they need
to be a young woman or man.
Sometimes a person's experience clouds the issues of whats really important and its not how much child support you have to pay, its not about what your ex is putting you through, its not about who slept with who and whose responsible. What it is about, is that the actions of two people, whether it was planned or not brought an innocent life in this world. Now excuses can be made why a man or woman is not there to raise that child, but the fact still remains, that the emotional nurturing and growth that the child needs is not being provided and whomever is responsible for bringing that child in this life is responsible for what that child needs emotionally and financially. So it can be thrown back and forth whose fault it is, but if you are a man or a woman who has a child and is not providing that child with the essential tools they need to become stable productive adults, then you are at partly to blame for the state of our community and the emotional health of the child. A child needs both parents, and for some to do meager bickering over the importance of that fact( and it is a fact). Then they are either in a similar situation, where anger is the root of their opinions, instead of sound judgement or they are just doggone blind as a bat. It is
the child who suffers in all this, I have worked with children, where they have cried, because their father(mostly) is not a part of their lives or children who want extra attention because of the attention they are not getting at home. Young boys acting aggressively towards other children because they weren't taught social skills to share, care or love someone else. I only have to
go as far as my father to show the importance of a father in the house. So yes, there is exceptions to the rules why some men aren't taking care of their children, but from my experience and I'm sure everyone elses, no matter how sad the case, no matter how some don't want to believe it, the vast majority of Black men (for what ever lame reason) are leaving their children to be raised by women..and that is the every day walk out my door, see at the park, see in the schools, see in my own extended family.... statistics.

I am in no way male-bashing......but hey... lets call a spade a spade

( Note: I must say for the sake of the men who are taking care of their children they are the exception to the rule)


Epiphany :heart:

i understand u all and very good point of veiw
a woman has always been the back bone of man
yet a good father is not just a man of seed carrier
but a father of love for this child may boyz take longer
to become into man hood less then girls as a single father of two
boyz i mold them like my father did me see from way back a broken home fatherless homes made some boyz become men before they was ready yet the girls had less to worry bout i do agree wit destee & coco yet i also agree with kem & dnommo
lovin a child if its mother or father can help their growth
I for one know that i was a mother's boy under her wings but yet dad mold me to a man the moment my first child was born i became a man a father before that i was a young man with other things on my mind as of girl she set her goals in early years
so they do become stronger mind wise before boys that's what makes them more the back bone of man greatness yet we do have men that have been fatherless and vow to be the man there father never was so some boys do become men faster then others ..........I beleive that a well raised child is from the love
we as parents provides if its a single mother or father or both
i play a role in my boys life thats very very well scribe
i offer them manhood of respect and honor my 21 yr old son
now a father himself knows this role and what it takes to make
things happen for this own .....he never gave me a moment of trouble my young one i'm working with now is learning faster
then my older child did ..... it's how they think within we lose some and we win some its life ........our children come out so
advance now dayz and girls seem to grow faster then boys

destee and epiphany,

the sad truth is there is agreement all around but from two differnet viewpoints. My main concern over the issue is simply this: It takes two to make a chaild and it should take two to raise it but it is not the male who is the one avoiding the issue of raising his child. While the perception in our neighborhoods, media or whatever the circumstances, there are more who are prevented from being active in their childs life than there are who just plain avoid it. I repeat again that it should be an equal balance between both parents to raise that child and yes the male child suffers greater than the female child simply because he does not have a "gender sensitve" role model. Once again, while the daughters will suffer they have mom to gird, guide, nurture and teach them the ways of womanhood but how does that help in the growth and transition of a young man into adulthood. The statistics i posted showed such problem but the real bottomline here is what Kemet said earlier. Woman should rally around the solution. My premise is this. If you see a male friend struggling to stay in his child's life because of the petty emotions of the child's mother, do you rally around him or do you place him in the same category as the rest. The basis here is simple: While the optimal concept would be for men to do everything they can to be in the child's life, there are not a lot of avenues they can take. The tables are lopsided and the laws are biased.

Truth is this: Try to see it from the eyes of a father and understand what they're up against before you add pressure on them to do all they can for that child. There are plenty doing all they can and are stone-walled by a double-stantard society. Yes, there are some who are just plain uncaring about their child and just refuse to acknowledge them or be in their lives but you know what? There are fewer of them then there are of those trying to be there for their child. And whether you want to see it as such it is still man-bashing.

Y'all gonna like this one: Black men have enough pressure on them as it is. The last thing they need is to come home and see their sister's tell them how good a job they doing while thinking they are a no good baby maker always running from responsibility.

there's two sides to the story. Ooops,i hope i wasn't too emotional on this one...

it's gonna take prayer to heal their wounds

they may not be the only men that feel this way,
which makes the task larger than i ever imagined.

:heart:

Destee

Dnommo.....I am with you, when you say there are two sides of the story
and I believe there may be cases where the man just can't see
his way through to his child, but for the most part, I don't
think that is the case with most. I am in a position to speak from both sides. I and my husband have raised 3 sons......21, 17 and 15. My oldest son's biological father, has not acknowledge
this child once and he is his only son. Now I could have made his life a living nightmare, but what would that accomplish, it would have made me bitter, it would have made my son miserable and it served no useful purpose to me. So I decided
to let nature take its course. I feel like this, everyone, even the sorry, has it in them to know what is right and what is wrong. Sure we can say we are products of our own homelife, but just as Destee said, even with a bad father or mother, you have a choice of being like them or not. I was fortunate , not to long after that, to find a man who was willing to accept that responsibility because my son was a part of me and he loved me. My son was one and a half, I don't know how my son would have turned out without him, but I have a father and four brothers that would and is a part of his life. So because I know the importance of a man in his life, I would have made that essential in his upbringing. I chose to stay home and raise my sons until they became school age and for me that was an important development for them, because it established a bond, and it established security. Now some single mothers aren't able to do that, because they are raising the kids by themselves. They may have to work and support themselves and the kids. So they do the best they can with the skills they have. Some women are forced to be both, mother and father, you say it is because of her choice not to take the proper precautions, and perhaps thats true....but if the man doesn't want kids. then it is his duty also(I repeat ALSO, if there is two sides to the story) to take the precaution and use a condom or refrain from his weakened passions. If not, then the results of that careless indiscretion
can bring about the conception of a child and she is no less responsible then the man. I have watch my sons grow and I have had wisdom to know when to step back and watch my husband do what he needed to teach all my sons to be young men. Sometimes as a mother, I had to balance it out when my husband was to hard or maybe it could have been handle differently. He had to step in when, I wanted to be too motherly with my sons, or too protective. So that balance is needed, for sons as well as daughters.....I can only speak from my background as a young girl, since I don't have a daughter. My father was a very important part of my development, he was my first introduction to a man, and how men act, what role he was as a father. He taught me to respect myself, he scared off all the no good boys who was only after one thing. He told me about the no good boys that was only after one thing. So through him
and the actions of my brothers, I learned about boys and I learned about men. (Now having my son was no mistake, but the man I chose was and through that experienced, I learned that all men are not created equal and mistakes is something we all make in life) I don't think there is any doubt on the importance of a mother, but we tend to lose sight of the importance of a father. Sometimes if a person was not raise with a father, then they don't have anything to compare it with, and they don't see the importance, therefore they teach their children the same. I believe in my heart, that the combination of both
myself and my husband, and with our separate family backgrounds we have raised sons that are law abiding, polite,
respectful and loving. But most importantly, we were willing to sacrifice our lives and our good times, to put the time into
them that was needed. Raising children is hard work, it wasn't easy, a lot of yelling, patience and time went into it. But I would never, ever trade it in, or go back and change anything.....they brought us laughter, joy and sometimes pain when
we had to tear their butts up. So Dnommo, you're right, there
are two sides to every story, but whose right.....I do know
noone is given a pamphlet on raising children, I do know that children need both parents, I do know
that my kids are a lot more stable because of it (and I don't put
a bad light on this to say single parents can't raise stable kids,
because as I said in my previous posts there are exceptions to the rule.) But for the most part, we do the best we can do, and hope for the best..but isn't it worth the peace of mind to know
that our children are happy and content and know they are loved
and taken care of by both parents. When they know that, then what content, caring and loving adults they will make. Most of all before all things, let God lead the way.......I did a lot of praying, took my kids to church, read the bible with them and had each one of them Christened.


Epiphany



:heart:

you are the one who is saying one thing and meaning another...

you keep saying you have no issues with women, yet you continually bring personal issues into this...therefore making it personal..to YOU..

and don't patronise me by saying that.."they don't fall out of the sky", and implying that I do not have any idea what I am talking about....

I am not a woman who has raised her children alone, I have two sons, and they were raised by two parents, and they are well adjusted, responsible adults because of this....but I am not so **** pious as to say that a single woman couldn't do just as good a job raising her children, or for that matter a single man...

you continually turn this around on the woman, implying that all single parent families are headed by a woman who spreads her legs and gets prenant repeatedly, and then denies the father any contact with the child whatsoever...you have proof on this page of women who did not do that...they had a child alone and they were responsible for that child and have managed to steer them on the right path...

if you were the one who would take the time and read back over earlier responses, you would see that, we all in one way or another stated that...the most important thing in a childs life is to know they are loved, and to be given that love, care and values, and obviously if you can, provide all of that from both a male and female parent...

and you say, some of us are so jaded that we have lost sight of the goal here, THE CHILD, ... now who isn't taking notice of what he reads....

stop blaming women for every single thing that is wrong in todays society Kem....it takes two people to fornicate, copulate, have sex, make love, whatever you wanna call it...so where in the heck, in what book, is there a law written that states that the female and only the female, is responsible for safe sex practice...
if the male is so hard done by, in your point of view, and they are just out having a good time and then some "woman", gets pregnant by them and won't let them see the child but makes them pay for it and makes their life miserable, well if the men hate this happening so much, there is abstinence, condoms, oral sex, or vasectomies available....they have as many choices as the woman whose legs they continually want to crawl between....

I have read the statistics and figures you quote, and I would say they are all most probably true...but like with everything, the whole species cannot be blamed for the actions of some...
like I stated in my reply earlier...this is not about whose who or whats what, it's about raising a child, to the best of your ability, whether you be male or female, gender does not guarantee you will be a good parent, love, nurturing and commitment does..

oh and another thing....we are not all over in the amen corner Kem...no whining and pats on the back are happening here...just a group of strong, independent women offering their opinion...

what is this, the destee winfrey cyber talkshow??

it seems the topic took a detour or did somebody lose the map
:cool:

as i read replies it seems to me that you all share a common view.
i tried to locate the where the segue to "blamegame city" took place.
oh
& there seems to be more inclusion of statistics, studies, etc...
(which i don't pun) and less spirit-breathed conversing..

there is a quote in psalms written which says
"when my mother and father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."
there is a guy i know whose father and mother were always "present" but never "there", but this guy has a strength and faith and God and he knows his God is "there" to teach him not only the ways of a father, but of a man period.
&
don't be surprised that a single mother could love her child in the right direction to manhood/womanhood, and the same with single fathers. it has been done.

no i'm not jehiah jakes,
but trust that b/c of their faith in God, many men who are fatherless have become great fathers and great men, escaping the statistical expectancies of their kind, like wise with women.

This brings me to single parenting.
not every boy/girl falls into statistical categories where there is single parenting within a household. Many if not more "problem children" may come from a household where both parents are there. paradoxical?? it rears the subject of influence
but i won't touch dat yet.

now rather or not the mom (or dad) put themselves in the single parenting position is not reeaally the issue.
the issue is rather or not they will parent that child with the nurturing of not only food, clothes, and shelter, but food, clothing and shelter of his life and his soon to issues of life. sometimes,
sometimes the mother is not "mom", mom could be aunt.
sometimes the father is not "dad", dad could be friend or coach, that parent.
what am i saying?? there are divine influences as such who "parent" many, unlike their actual parents.

u see, the main component we can not let slip pass all of this dialogue is INFLUENCE
i'll touch on it maybe later..............

does a woman need a man to help raise her child???
i would say a woman needs God. if God wants to send her man so be it.
but a woman's main concern should not be a man to "help",
but God to help. likewise the man.

p.s
don't make me grab my texts coz right now i'm chillin' :cool:

boys can come up faster without a male role model round
i've seen mothers do very well yet some need a father
a male round to grow into manhood ......it works all kinds
of ways in life it all up to the child in some case

Kemet,

(in the voioce of a caveman) ME STRONG!!!! ME NO WEAK MAN!!!!

:rolling: i'm still wit you bro' no doubt...i better go drink some more testosterone...

Hey j'hiah,

you brought up a good point that a woman needs GOD to raise a child but let's take it a step further. If both parties were rooted in Godly principles then this discussion would not be. Simply because there would be the waiting process of marriage first, then child bearing, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER FORUM...

Pull tha books bro and teach 'em something...

Kemet, imma heading to da gym bro' i can't be slippin in here...

It's amazing how clearer and more focussed the responses are when someone comes in to express an emotional response...

Epiphany, you are right on some points but please know that i did say that it is up to both parties. The main emphasis in my response was that to not put it all on the man when it took two to tango. Men know that they cannot have kids without a woman to procreate with and if the woman says no then they are left to seek another. Honesty is on both sides. The man needs the let them know he don't want kids and take the steps to protect himself and the woman needs to be aware of such and takes precautions to protect herself. It a two way street. My concern was that the mindset of the "Deadbeat Dad" syndrome was not totally on the man. It came from somewhere. Excluding you Epiphany, but i find it ironic that those who are raising children in a two parent home are the oneas throwing stones...

There's that jab Kemet so don't throw in the towel...

AND WHAT DID DESTEE SAY ABOUT ME? :D

I am not going to get into another he said/she said debate with Kem and Dnommo...you two can think what you like about my replies, thats the whole idea about this being a forum...but I do think that not everything is so easy it can be solved with the same solution....

I will restate my opinion on the subject offered, just to make things clearer for those who speak in metaphors....

I do not think the transition into adulthood, in todays society, is any easier for either gender...I think that if children are raised with sound moral values, are loved, nurtured, taught life lessons, and raised with a set of strong values, then that is all we can do to help steer them down the right path...we can stand behind our children to let them know they have a place of support that will always be in their lives..I am not saying that this is acheived ONLY by two parent families..as J'hiah said, a "parent" or role model can be anyone, they are the person who gives the child all or some of the above...and yes I do know children who have been raised in a one parent family who are decent, law abiding and well adjusted young men and women....we can only do the best we can and hope that we have done enough..

k

Girls definitely has a smoother transition into adulthood than boys. This accounts for girls being considered adults at 18 and boys at 21. They mature faster. As to why girls have a smoother
transition into adulthood than boys, who knows. I beleive the
answer lies somewhere between genetics, environment, and
Gods purpose for men and women on this earth. I'd like to add
that we treat girls and boys differently as they're growing up, which may account for some of the differences. We're more
loving and affectionate towards girls. Whereas boys we give
the old slap on the back. Boys shy away from all the cuddle
stuff (and don't want it). Girls are more responsive and
appreciative of our feeling thereby we give more of ourselves to them.

I have one boy (18) and three girls(16), (20), (21). and my
experience mirrow yours. The girls transition into maturity is much smoother then the boy(Shantoine). Boys eventually get there, it just takes a litle more time. Having been a boy myself
I can tell you from personal experience that we boys generally
equate growing up with more responsibility (wife, children, pets,
etc,). And as boys we ain"t ready for that, don"t really want to
think about it. subsconsciously we know adulthood will come
in time but for now, well-----boys will be boys.

Your post is very informative. The two different perspective you gave, sheds light on this thread. I think you may have an angle on this strange and awkward time in our lives. I'm sure someone including myself will benefit from the information you have provided to this thread. Thank you for your positive input. If I haven't welcomed you into the family, I take this opportunity to do so. Welcome and if you have more insight, please reveal it to our eyes.

My purpose for creating this thread was to gain some form of understanding which may aide others along with myself.... during our sons and daughters transitional stages. Jade's post informing, the replies posted to this thread provided information which may aide in her son's transition into adulthood. That is what makes these threads rewarding.

Madd Sistahly Love:heart:
CCBSKYN

I've heard it said that too many Black mothers oft-times "Raise their daughters but love their sons."

That translates to: Black mothers are often more stern with their daughters in teaching them how to be self-sufficient but that they coddle and pamper and ENABLE their sons.

Now, NO, this does not apply to ALL Black mothers, single or married; but, sometimes, there is some truth in this.

However, in my opinion, there are several different factors that can apply to the differences between the maturation of Black boys and girls....

Yes, having a father IN the home makes a difference in a Black boy's life.

Yes, having a father outside the home but INVOLVED in a Black boy's life makes a difference.

Yes, having no biological father involved but having some other MALE MENTORSHIP (uncles, grandfathers, community Elders, etc..) in a Black boy's life makes a difference.

Now, I was reared w/o my father; but my mother did the best she could in teaching her 2 sons about being a man...about being responsible and honest (your word is your bond); instilling a strong work ethic, as well as how to cook and clean for themselves.

Now, ONE of my brothers ALWAYS seemed to be like a ROCK.....I swear, seems like he CAME OUT....a GROWN MAN. :lol:
He was always level-headed and goal-oriented...very INTRINSICALLY MOTIVATED. He was a GO-GETTER from day one!---NOTHING and NO ONE was gonna BEAT HIM!

But, my OTHER brother!....Well, let's just say that it took a little more time for him to "FIND HIMSELF." (lol) He was the "Ladies Man."---He was about "HAVING FUN!"----He was a "FREE SPIRIT." ----And Mama always had to PUSH him. He needed more outside motivation than her other son.

So, here were 2 Black boys, raised in the SAME HOUSE with no father and they were so totally different in their personalities and their personal outlooks on Life and how they dealt with challenges.



And, BY THE WAY.....the "DON'T WORRY/BE HAPPY" brother was the OLDEST.

And the "Grown-man- trapped-in-a-little-boy's-body" brother was the YOUNGEST.