You -I called you an hour ago
Maybe more
And you’re still not here
I wait up-
For nothing. Just hope...
Hope that you’ll come on in
I don’t want to awaken
To banging noises and broken chain
From the secured front door
It’s true- I want to leave you
And yes-maybe I won’t find happiness
and maybe happiness’ cousin sorrow will move in
But the sun will still rise
and I won’t pretend I don’t cry because you’re gone
You-I called you two hours ago
Maybe more
And you’re still not here
I sit
Listening to the **** battery powered air-freshener you bought
Every 10 minutes - buzz buzz
Mixing in airy cigarette smoked and
coughed from your lungs
inhaled into the walls once white-now yellow
I still sit here
No panty- bare chested
T-shirt and nylon pant
TV flickers of useless must-haves
and not in store
brainwashing ads
Come on in
So I don’t have to watch these anymore
I called a while ago
I sit-
waiting for you
I need one last look,
from your love-me blue eyes
that glisten at happiness and are
gray as a stormy night when sad,
Just one last look
before I leave

WOW! What a grand entrance you've made. I love the way in which you communicate every nuance to the reader, expressing all that you're feeling.
Looking for to more of this heaven from you. :great:

honestly you capture the reader
the details speaks out loud
a very nice write and welcome to the house

How well I can relate to those lines...
Welcome aboard the ship, and feel free to "drop it like it's hot" ...cause that's how you dropped this one. Wonderful piece poet, thanks for sharing

Welcome to Destee Starz.

This is a hot piece

:spinstar: :hot: :spinstar:

check this joint out
becoming a classic

this was truly something enjoyed this flow, flow on poet.

Check this out. This is "poetry critique & workshop". I usually don't come over here to do any work. However, being that I read your work and enjoyed it, please allow me to say something pertaining to it.

The great thing about your poem is its expression or your ability to bring forth your thoughts and emotions pertaining to what you want to express. That is good.

The bad part is in your "capitalization and punctuation". You have left the poem up to each individual to read as they want to instead of as you intended it to be read. Where does one "pause" or begin a new sentence? Do you intend to express emotion as in

" You?!- I called you an hour ago,
maybe more,
and you're still not here!!"

You see, what I've done is, I've expressed "emotion". I've expressed "pause." I have expressed in that one sentence the "emotion" and the "pace" that I desire my work to be read. As such, I would take this poem back to the drawing board and re-write it "as I want it to be instead of as "others may interpret it to be. Got my drift?

Peace Out!

:great: I have to say....this poem was on point....I really felt it, and i can relate to the depth of it....

Personally i think the poem is fine just the way it is....

the flow of the poem was constant, the repitition of " i called u ____ ago" gave it a certain mood of being anxious and impatient. the scenario in the poem, made it seem kind of dreary, i liked the feel of it...as if the emotions were captured right out immediately...the boredom, the aggravation, the sadness...etc etc....

if you were tryna spread this out in ur poem,,,well u did it perfectly

Keep the flow goin

MzSoulll