sickly i gaze at a bloody sickle blade
wielded by the ghastly entity death...lurk'n and smirk'n in the shade
thru the dingy alley ways i wade over slime the color of jade
thinking...are debts in this universe always paid?
the sweltering heat and the horrible stench cause me to dade
but when the sun sets and the shadows expand...the light fades
and blood wets the streets like water in an everglade
at this...skeletor's barren eyesockets reflects the green slime haze
is he come'n for me...cause i see he...or could it be...i have to protect the free
the men and women unknowingly inflicted by the
death blow by this cat that looks like destro from g.i. joe
i don't know...veiwing multiple images of blood red snow
i get confused and lose my direction on which way to go
when out of nowhere...a woman with eyes emerald grabs my soul
with a tight grip and hold...her lips grab my d!ck until it's swole
in a barren corner temptation surfaces...while the night remained dark like coal
the hooded being howls like a wolf at what it was seeing
a mutt walks by...snifs for a second then lifts up his leg at a garbage can
and starts peeing...
all of my senses prompt for me to start fleeing...
but before this thought was completely complete
the womans legs turned to vines and trapped my frozen feet
heat
was the sensation that i felt
heat
was the deathblow that was dealt
the blood that i saw earlier on the sickle was my blood...
and the cut around my neck was so clean...the skin didn't even welt...
as it fell into the bottomless crimson mud....

Pitiful ??!! Man you must be crazy.
I have a lot of wack titles too. :) But I liked your pitiful piece though.
Sometimes I have cool titles (I find) and pitiful pieces and sometimes tight pieces and pitiful titles.
Can think of one at the moment, maybe later. Reply to death blow later to. Would like to hear where you're coming from.

Btw gonna post a wack one of mine too......:)

moham

ok moham...it beez like this...

i know some of my joints are mad mad mad abstract...i've never been the type to just tell somebody my thoughts directly unless it was warranted...i like for other people to get their own ideas on ish because perception is truly reality....ok

well...in this poem i am talking about the all mighty dollar...it may not seem like it but i am...trust me ;)
green is usually a color that is linked to nature, growth and being alive... well in this poem, i used green to symbolize perversions...here are some examples

thru the dingy alley ways i wade over slime the color of jade

and blood wets the streets like water in an everglade

at this...skeletor's barren eyesockets reflects the green slime haze

when out of nowhere...a woman with eyes emerald grabs my soul

also...the multiple images of blood coincide with the money theme in this poem...my view is that anyone that would sell thier soul for money would be spending blood money in this world...having a lot of money can gas your head up...i used the emerald eyed womans services as a metaphor of this...basically...money is the root of all evil...therefore individuals that lust for money are destined to damnation...

heat
was the sensation that i felt
heat
was the deathblow that was deal


now with that said...can i get some help on this joint ya'll...all critiques...even the negative ones...are welcome :)

one love
khasm

Hey Khasm

I aint too good at this but...gone try

Well I don’t know where to really started I see your meaning but I drew more out of it then that. I get regrets, bad choices, greedy of money temptation of sex, just a lost soul.


sickly i gaze at a bloody sickle blade
wielded by the ghastly entity death...lurk'n and smirk'n in the shade
thru the dingy alley ways i wade over slime the color of jade
thinking...are debts in this universe always paid?

A man reflecting of his wrongs and greed for money or passions
Of some kind that took over his soul.

the sweltering heat and the horrible stench cause me to dade
but when the sun sets and the shadows expand...the light fades
and blood wets the streets like water in an everglade

I get something boiling but don’t understand this completely (Dade)
Throws me off of what you are really thinking.

at this...skeletor's barren eyesockets reflects the green slime haze
is he come'n for me...cause i see he...or could it be...i have to protect the free
the men and women unknowingly inflicted by the
death blow by this cat that looks like destro from g.i. joei don't know...veiwing multiple images of blood red snow
i get confused and lose my direction on which way to go
when out of nowhere...

Who is this I think your talking about the devil (monster)
when you describe the unfruitful eye sockets reflecting green slime
but get lost again...Are you bringing in a super hero when you talk on protecting? who is the (I) again


a woman with eyes emerald grabs my soul
with a tight grip and hold...her lips grab my d!ck until it's swole
in a barren corner temptation surfaces...while the night remained dark like coal
the hooded being howls like a wolf at what it was seeing
a mutt walks by...snifs for a second then lifts up his leg at a garbage can
and starts peeing...
all of my senses prompt for me to start fleeing...
but before this thought was completely complete
the womans legs turned to vines and trapped my frozen feet
heat
was the sensation that i felt
heat
was the deathblow that was dealt
the blood that i saw earlier on the sickle was my blood...
and the cut around my neck was so clean...the skin didn't even welt...
as it fell into the bottomless crimson mud....

sound like somebody din got the cooties...lol

But the vision it places is scary and the plot is good I just get lost about 2 times lol..it leaves you to think i tell ya that it draws you end and its a most read once you start. I like how your abstract "i think thas the word" or metaphor thing very creative i loves your imagnation fo sho...

Angel

ok mba...i'll break it down further for you...

sickly i gaze at a bloody sickle blade
wielded by the ghastly entity death...lurk'n and smirk'n in the shade
thru the dingy alley ways i wade over slime the color of jade
thinking...are debts in this universe always paid?

let me start of by saying that none of the places this person goes or things that he sees are real...these are all internal manifestations that are prompted by his life choices...he feels guilty about how he has lead his life thus far... being money hungry and stuff... so he starts to see death. but he's not sure death is come'n for him...he's confused...thas why he asks the question are debts in this universe always paid.

the sweltering heat and the horrible stench cause me to dade
but when the sun sets and the shadows expand...the light fades
and blood wets the streets like water in an everglade

dade means to walk unsteadily...as i said before...dude is confused but he is starting to see some of the ramifications of his actions at this point in the poem...da large amounts of blood.


at this...skeletor's barren eyesockets reflects the green slime haze
is he come'n for me...cause i see he...or could it be...i have to protect the free
the men and women unknowingly inflicted by the
death blow by this cat that looks like destro from g.i. joe i don't know...veiwing multiple images of blood red snow
i get confused and lose my direction on which way to go
when out of nowhere...

at this point the main character sees death...but he doesn't know if death is come'n for him...people that chase money are arogant in nature so he thinks for a second that he is seeing these things for another reason other then his time being cut short...this adds to his confusion and he gets totally lost in thought behind this....


a woman with eyes emerald grabs my soul
with a tight grip and hold...her lips grab my d!ck until it's swole
in a barren corner temptation surfaces...while the night remained dark like coal
the hooded being howls like a wolf at what it was seeing
a mutt walks by...snifs for a second then lifts up his leg at a garbage can
and starts peeing...
all of my senses prompt for me to start fleeing...
but before this thought was completely complete
the womans legs turned to vines and trapped my frozen feet
heat
was the sensation that i felt
heat
was the deathblow that was dealt
the blood that i saw earlier on the sickle was my blood...
and the cut around my neck was so clean...the skin didn't even welt...
as it fell into the bottomless crimson mud....

ok...dude had a choice...from the things he was seeing, he could have deceided to take another path, but he doesn't...thas when the mental/physical image of money blows his head up even more(temptation) and he's totally captured by the evils of materialism...once he realizes what he's doing with his life, it's to late...he is in too deep and thas when death(the devil)...comes for him...in the end he realizes that he saw all of this happening in the begining of the poem...but he chose to take the wrong path...hindsight is 20/20...he did not pay attention to the signs...the bj thing was just an interesting metaphor...lol...it added a lil spice to me...

i'm glad u liked it...i think by taking a deeper look at out poetry we can help others see what we see...and that to me is truly a beautiful thing...thanks

one love
khasm

Hey Khas I think I made my comments about it another forum but I Will post this:

I really enjoyed the poem, but I thought it lacked power because it seems to be a spoken word poem, that is written. I Think the visual imagery and metaphors are not properly translated in written form.

If I am wrong let me know :-)

tiss tru my man...tiss tru...this is a spoken piece that i'm try'n to memorize right now...thanks for da critique bruh...

one love
khasm

Hey Khas

it's really funny...I have(had) a totally totally different view than you.
For some kinda reason, the message or interpretation I got out of your piece was:
"that what death keeps in his pocket and sprinkles around like sleeping sand...AIDS".
But before I gave my interpretation , I would like to say (again and again and...) that you wrote an awesome piece. And now that you've explained where you're coming from....man your mind is really creative and imaginative. I really liked the imagery. K, here I go.

sickly i gaze at a bloody sickle blade
wielded by the ghastly entity death...lurk'n and smirk'n in the shade
thru the dingy alley ways i wade over slime the color of jade
thinking...are debts in this universe always paid?

this piece makes me think about a person that sees death (because of aids) all around him or her(the narrator). I see 'death' laughing about how easy it is for him to go and get his victims. I see the narrator following a slimy green path where 'death' just passed by and thinking it's impossible to escape death.

but when the sun sets and the shadows expand...the light fades
and blood wets the streets like water in an everglade

this made me think about the destructive effects caused by aids that can not be seen, to an individual, a family, a community.

is he come'n for me...cause i see he...or could it be...i have to protect the free
the men and women unknowingly inflicted by the
death blow by this cat that looks like destro from g.i. joe
i don't know...veiwing multiple images of blood red snow
i get confused and lose my direction on which way to go

Here I get a feeling of despair, maybe fear and of powerlessness. Despair and fear because the narrator feels like death is on his tail, but he's not sure.
Powerlessness, because the narrator is not able to do much for those 'unknowingly inflicted' nor for those who are not inflicted (the free). And because of these two things he gets confused and desperate. He can't do anything about death.

when out of nowhere...a woman with eyes emerald grabs my soul
with a tight grip and hold...her lips grab my d!ck until it's swole
in a barren corner temptation surfaces...while the night remained dark like coal
the hooded being howls like a wolf at what it was seeing
a mutt walks by...snifs for a second then lifts up his leg at a garbage can
and starts peeing...

for some strange reason (don't laugh) this part made me think about 'unsafe sex'. Temptation, an 'unsafe' place (a dark corner), the woman with green eyes (an accomplice of death). I dunno know....but really, this was my interpretation. :)

all of my senses prompt for me to start fleeing...
but before this thought was completely complete
the womans legs turned to vines and trapped my frozen feet
heat
was the sensation that i felt
heat
was the deathblow that was dealt
the blood that i saw earlier on the sickle was my blood...
and the cut around my neck was so clean...the skin didn't even welt...
as it fell into the bottomless crimson mud....

Reading this part, I got the feeling of a person who got contaminated with hiv, who tried to deny it, but eventually got confronted with his situation.

so the whole piece, for me, was about a person following deaths trail, seeing the places and faces that death visited, not being able to change anything about the inflicted their situation. All of this while he was death (contaminated) all along.

Well, I tried to explain my view as good as I could. Hope it made any sense!!... :grinn:

gr
moham :)

khasm
i don't have a lot of time today (working on a piece) but let me begin..
for me...all or your pieces are spoken word...(i can almost hear them as I read them) the music and rhythms...
what held me to this piece..was how clearly i was able to lift out the poem, which i read inside of the flow...and I knew it was money almost immediately from.."lurken and smirken.........debts always paid"...it was clear to me money was the game...
so , for me the line "wielded by the ghastly....death" ..wasn't a necessity to the essence of the poem.
I don't know flow enough to speak on it in any kind of literal manner...i know i could lift a poem out...and i did...but i don't know if that is what you are looking for regarding this piece...so you will have to let me know..and then i will be glad to show you the poem i read inside the flow that i absolutely loved...giving you my reasons for why ...of course

moham....thas an interesting take on this poem...looking at yor explanitation, i can see where you see that...thas what i love about poetry...different people see different things...and it's never wrong, you see what you see...simply...wow..ima come back and comment further on your response later...

deepy...yeah sista...show me the poem inside the flow....please

thanks for the comments fam...let's get our growth on...

one love
khasm

i like the concept and how it lay together
with the message that gives an insight
to what seem not real this really is a good
piece each line hit each other perfectly