Wandering Eyes


I know, you get tired of my eyes
Peeping out, at one girl to the next
I know you sometimes wonder
Why my eyes wander

I want you to know
These eyes, wander about, in reverence of you
and every time they wander
They wonder, what would this little moment in life
Be, without you

My eyes wonder
My eyes wander
…and see other women
Yet at the same time
My eyes realize, that these women
Would have kept me, in a stagnated prison

When my eyes wander, they see beings, which cannot compare
When my eyes wander, they realize, that you, my goddess, are too powerful
You change the emotions of me with your beautiful stare

So always remember
That my wandering eyes
Are in a full gaze
A fix, focused
On you

Manasia you know I think that you are, without question, an incredible writer but this poem doesn’t really showcase the talent, I know you to possess. Although, I like the concept it lacked the punch and creativity that I usually find in your work.

Wandering Eyes
I know you get tired of my eyes
Peeping out this girl or the next
I know you sometimes wonder
Why my eyes do not peep your body chest

I think this stanza needs a little work. There were a few road blocks.
You use a more relaxed speech, urban like and the “body chest” part is a little rough. I also think that you may need a little punctuation for effect.
This needed some parallelism “one girl instead of this girl”
Also, you started writing in first person but then you began speaking in third person in the end, this should stay consistent from beginning to end.

I think it would flow a little smoother if it read something like this:

I know, you get tired of my eyes
Peeping out, at one girl to the next
I know you sometimes wonder
Why my eyes wander

( I also noticed that you typed “wonder instead of wander” a few times…)

This next stanza has the same problems as the first, particularly the choice, placement and use of words.

I just wanted to let you know
That these wonder about in reverence for you
For everytime they wonder
They wonder what would this little moment in life
Would be with out you

I think this one would flow better something like this….

I wanted to let you know
These eyes, wander about, in reverence of you
and everytime they wander
They wonder, what would this little moment in life
be without you

Again…

MY eyes wonder and see other women
Yet at the same time
My eyes realize that these women
Would have kept me in a stagnitated prison

I think this one would flow better something like this….

My eyes wander
My eyes wonder
…and see other women
Yet at the same time
My eyes realize, that these women
Would have kept me, in a stagnated prison


When my eyes wander, they see beings, which (instead of who) cannot compare
When my eyes wander, they realize, that my goddess is too powerful
You (instead of she) change the emotions of me (instead of humans) with your beautiful stare

So always remember
That my wandering eyes
Are in a fix, (instead of fixed) focused
A full gaze
On you

Because you are my (instead of, the) #1 prize

All of my suggestions in one flow…

I know, you get tired of my eyes
Peeping out, at one girl to the next
I know you sometimes wonder
Why my eyes wander

I want you to know
These eyes, wander about, in reverence of you
and every time they wander
They wonder, what would this little moment in life
Be, without you

My eyes wonder
My eyes wander
…and see other women
Yet at the same time
My eyes realize, that these women
Would have kept me, in a stagnated prison

When my eyes wander, they see beings, which cannot compare
When my eyes wander, they realize, that you, my goddess, are too powerful
You change the emotions of me with your beautiful stare

So always remember
That my wandering eyes
Are in a full gaze
A fix, focused
On you

Because you are my #1 prize[/QUOTE]


Overall, I think it's a great poem, full of emotion, introspection and heartfelt.
It just needed a little work, structurally. Other than that, I really liked it.

great critique sage...let's see what man has to say...

one love
khasm

I hate to be the bearer of bad news :-).

Thanx for the critique but the poem was meant to be short and straight to the point. I must concede that it was written to someone who understood it perfectly, so I really should not have posted it because it lacked a universal theme.

However, I do appreicate the love tho. I will make the edits sage mentioned and see what happens :-)

I know this is no critique, but just wanted to say: nice piece!
Also: very useful suggestions made by Sage!

:heart: moham

i really took this piece in and understood
the structure of it and it's goals the concept
was nice through the wondering eyes
brutha i think if you didn't express the wondering eyes
as much the true depth of it would come out
i really enjoyed your creativity here .