i need help...

cause with all the people in my life...i find it's hard to trust
back when my metal hand was extended...the elements turned it to rust
my heart and tru feelings were lifted....then blown away by a strong stale gust
and my living liquid soul was tainted...tarnished, then solidified by a hard man made outer crust...


i need help...

cause i dislike working for someone else...making them loot
having to go to bs meetings....dressed in expensive suits
when i would rather spend my money on something else...like some timberland boots
and spend my time somewhere else...like at the crib, making funky music loops...


i need help...

cause i'm starting to believe...that tru love is for the birds
had it uttered to me many times...wrapped up in meaninless words
actions spoke a lot louder...while i spun out around slick curves
now i'm forced to drive a lot slower...and move from the city to the suburbs...


i need help...
and i'm wondering if it will ever arrive...

I like this one. I think it has a strong theme of despair, yet at the same time, it shows a person caught in the middle. It is as if the person is afraid to let go of the things that are hindering him. Maybe if that person let go, they would be free or would they be back to square with no resources?

First, I'd like to commend Bro. Khasm on the critique concept. It should change the neighborhood for the better (in short order). One suggestion though, in the interest of fair and unbiased feedback, make no reference to anyone else's critique.

Now, concerning: " I NEED HELP " :drums:

The Title:

Straightforward. Appeals to the vulnerability of the central character.

The Poem:

I find it ironic that at the very outset, the reader has the complete trust of the speaker, while the topic/ish. is all about mistrust . I LIKE THAT

Next, the reference to metal as it relates to elements of both human fraility and trust, is in my opinion, "PURE GENIUS"

2nd Stanza:

This is my favorite stanza because it expresses something that I so readily identify with i.e. INDIVIDUALITY


At this point the poet/author and central character have all captured my attention.

The Finale:

In conclusion I find that the poem is ((BRILLIANT)), as is much of the author's work. The poem could have benefited from a less passive close in my opinion. All in all though, "THE KID" can write, and has unlimited potential. ~

Peace

This peice really spoke of life changes to me. It spoke of a search and insecurity in life concerning those around you. It also speaks of dreams and yet at the same time,, a vulnerability that cries out. I loved the work.

In the reading style of it, I do have a question. When you write and intend a pause which is designated by a comma, does your use of the three.... dots...designate that you intend the pause to be longer than normal? I ask this as a means of trying to grasp the tempo, pace or rhythem that you want the reader to feel or sense.

manasiac...thank you for your opinions on this piece...your advice is always welcome here...

1poetsought...wow...you were thinking the same thing i was on this piece...that it could have ended on a higher note...word...ima re-write the e nding to see how it looks...thanks a mil son...

qt....thanks sista for the deep look...when i use a comma, which is very seldom in my poetry...it's a brief pause...but when i use the three periods...it's a longer pause...like taking a breath...i hope that clears it up...

let's get our growth on fam...don't be skurred...:lol:
one love
khasm

lol @ dont be skurred smh aint no one skurred of yo big head smh lol

otay :read:

The simplicity of the title gives me the sense that the answer to your "help" is also simple. Then for me it read as if in each stanza was addressing a different aspect of your life.

In the first one... I could see you addressing the personal relationships you have had and do have in your life...and weighing the past pain so as to avoid and future failures that may be to come.
and my living liquid soul was tainted...tarnished, then solidified by a hard man made outer crust I found it interesting that you alluded your resulting soul to "crust" as oppose to something so deadened it can simply crumble to pieces.

In the second...you address your current day to day deal. It reeks of "trapped" but not neccsarrily because you want it to be or that you dont have any choice...
when i would rather spend my money on something else...like some timberland boots
and spend my time somewhere else...like at the crib, making funky music loops...its like you know you want to do and be "somewhere" you just havent found that place yet

last stanza...read like a personal reflection of your own search for happiness. now i'm forced to drive a lot slower

I gather that you are well aware of the changes needed and necessary in your life and in your last line I feel like you already know smh
IMHO brotha khasm...you touch on these aspects a lot..but its not often that you put your own prospective solutions out there. I wonder... what purpose you had in writing this. Was it simply to get your frustrations out? or...do you really want that "help" because after I read this...I cant help but think...somewhere inside that head of yours...you already know.

Hey Khasm

You are one of my favorite poets, I don’t know if my little stuff gone count.
But here goes something.

This poem to me talks about life in your eyes dealing with people day to day
Working, striving, and lost hope of love, thoughts rambling, and just wondering emotions. Just trying to live day to day.

I like how it ends, its like lost thoughts that cant be answered but thought on whats to come...but thas me I enjoyed this scribe alot. You are one of the poets that can take me on a poetic ride and have me in thought after I am done reading you. Love your style.

:climb:

Peace
Angel

hi khasm,

I read your reply. You know that I'm a member of this site for more then a year now and I never paid attention to this forum, not on purpose though.
" I just missed it" (shame shame shame) and it's so stupid, cause I needed/need a lot of help writing my poems and I have nobody really to give me constructive criticism.

So thanks for showing me to this critique forum.

Btw I was wondering what you tried to express with your poem "death blow"?

gr
moham :)

Hi :)

I was thinking let me start with responding to this piece.
I read the whole piece and these are my remarks.

The feeling I got from reading the first part (' cause with...outer crust') was vulnerability and the need to protect oneself, maybe (probably) because of deceit and hurt.

Reading the second part ('cause I...music loops') I got the feeling of a person who is dissatisfied with his/hers current situation and feels restrained from following his dream. But then I wonder why does he need help when he is the only one who can change the situation ?

Third part: a disillusioned person. Someone who doesn't believe in love anymore.

If I'm truly honest I must say that I like all of the parts. I think a lot of people could relate to and feel you. But there's one thing. The title just didn't catch me and the last part either ('I need...ever arrive').

K, that's all. I liked death blow alot, I hope you post that one.

gr moham :)

sister triniti...you know me so well...wow...yeah, my purpose for writing this was strickly venting purposes. i've found that if i keep emotions bottled inside of me, it ferments and sows a seed of discontent. so from time to time i let off some steam...poetry is good to me this way...that is a simple simon title...smh...thanks for point that out to me...and as always, thank you for your wisdom...btw, when are you gonna drop a piece up in here with yo sasquatch head self? hmmmm? :wink: :lol:

thanks mba...yeah i was rambling on this piece...i do that a lot unfortunately...sometimes it's hard for me to focus on one point and exploit it to it's fullest...thanks for the kinds words...:)

moham...this forum is new...it was created last week so you didn't miss anything sis ;)...i'm going to move deathblow over here because i do want a chance to explain where i was come'n from and get so tips on how to better it...now to your critique...i know that title was wack...i couldn't think of a better one at the time...ah well, you can't win them all...also, at the end...i know i sounded desperate...i tried to link it to the title....but since the title was wack, so was the ending...thanks for taking the time to read this pitiful piece sista....smh

one love
khasm

It's a bit frighten to read such words!Can you see how lucky you are?You are breathing,you can make love whenever you want!Life is for us!If it seems no one is worthy to be trust,it doesn't matter.We don't give a f u c k of it (sorry for the expression)!I don't like such things because once i've tried to kill myself(i was depressed this way).Thank God because i'm alive!When i've heard that my mom was crying and crying and crying,i first hate myself!Now i'm in peace with me and i'm "eating" life,going through step by step.Just see the good way of life,please...will u?

brotha lloyd...good to see you over here man...feel free to come over to these parts any time son...you are welcome fam...

yeah...i think that you might have taken my words to heart...i do write with a lot of emotion at times...my moms read some of my stuff the other day and looked at me like...is that really your writtings? *looks at me with disbelief* :lol:
i write these sometimes depresing...sometimes angry...sometimes strange and sometimes beautiful pieces to get the emotion out of me...i use poetry as a release...it doesn't mean that i'm going to do everything i say i am in my poetry...or that i feel everything i say i feel in my poetry...but in this case, i do/did feel those things...i'm bout to be 33 in a few and i thank the Lord everyday that i'm still alive with my health and mental intact...but on the other hand, my life is still a work in progress...someday when i get a lil closer to my life goals, i want to be able to look back on poems like this and be like...i remember when i was feeling like that...wow...cause life is all about growth...you gotta know where you start from so that you can know how far you have travelled...i'm glad that you have come a long way yourself my brother...i hate to hear that you went thru that...but God sends us all messages and trials...the choice is always ours...ok, i know that i have been rambling lloyd, bear with me...basically what i have been try'n to say is that destee is one of my journals that i keep...i hope to see your work in here sometime soon...take care holmes

one love
khasm

i need help...

Cause with all the people in my life...I find it's hard to trust!
Back when my steel hand was out...the elements turned to rust.
My heart and love were lifted....then blown way by stale strong gust.
My tainted, my tarnished, my liquid soul... became this harden man's crust


Pray for me

Don't know how i missed this one when i can relate so well to this
i do like how you verse this and the beginning is what took me
it was a nice write bruh ! because one can taste the flava of this poem.

khasm...to be honest...i cant find anything wrong here....it's a credible work with a certain despair, which you colorfully illustrated.

im sorry i missed this..i dont look in the critique page much, but khasm, this is a very good reflective piece...