Hello Family,

While we can put much responsibility for the loss of our culture on slavery in America, and all the destruction to us that followed, some of it we must shoulder ourselves.

I believe that one of our many great cultural losses is happening right now, before our eyes, and that is the fact that we do not properly honor the elders of our families and communities.

In times past, and fortunately in some families still today, we hold our elders in high esteem. We honor them. There are rights and privileges bestowed upon an elder, simply because they are elders. No argument, no fussing, no fighting, but simply respecting the fact that they have lived longer and are due a certain amount of respect, consideration, and submission from those under them. No matter how right you may be, when debating with an elder Member of your Family, there is a part of you that simply accepts that there is not enough hours in the day to convince them that they are wrong (not to mention the disrespect you show by trying). So you respectfully listen, if you'd like the conversation to end soon, and go about your day.

I remember a disagreement that my Mother and i had, which was rare, but i believed with my whole heart that i was right and was not satisfied to simply accept what she said (though i did have to shut up talking about it to her). Fortunately for me, my Grandmother was still living at that time, and i knew she was the only person that could give me the "okay" that i was right and my Mother was wrong. So i went to her, and received the guidance that i sought. Please notice that only an elder, of that elder, could overrule her. I would have been bound to what my Mother said, had my Grandmother, her elder, not overruled her ... for no one under my Mother was qualified to do such a thing (in my mind).

As a child, i looked forward to becoming an elder. To be able to have the last say, to be the one to have life experiences and passed down stories on how to proceed in certain situations. To have the esteem that comes from living longer (and hopefully wiser) than those under you.

Not only did my elders receive this type of high regard, but everyone took care of them in their old age. It was often a Team (Family) effort regarding who would care for the elder(s) each day. Depending on the elder's ability, someone was assigned to see that they ate, bathed, and did all the things they wanted and needed done. Even the youngest children in the Family helped with these responsibilities toward the elder(s).

This is not to suggest that dealing with elders is easy! I've done my share of caring for them and they make you wanna choke 'em! But i believe this is a part of their right, having lived so long, to be able to have things exactly as they want them, one of the many privileges of growing old. So just suck it up and know that you are doing what is required of you.

This is very different than the mainstream way of thinking. In mainstream America, everyone is doing everything to keep from becoming an elder. Even the gray hair on our heads, is changed to some other color. Aging is so very resisted. It's almost a curse, in this current culture, to do what's natural and become old.

Folk also tend to neglect their elders, opting to put them away rather than care for them. Children are no longer being shown how to care for the eldest in the Family. This concerns me. It's as though the elders that should be teaching this, aren't aware that they too will be the eldest, in need of this same care and consideration.

Please don't misunderstand, it's not about my becoming the eldest, and my children not knowing or being willing to care for me ... but it is about my children becoming the eldest, and their children not knowing they should honor and care for them. If we don't teach our children, how can they teach their children? The circle should remain unbroken, but we are allowing all kinds of breaks to be in it.

This is one of the great pieces of our culture that was not stolen from us, for i have lived and witnessed it. Those before me, showed me how to do this, by their doing it. I believe far too many of us have replaced our own culture with what mainstream america thinks of the old ... and it is ugly.

At the rate we are going, our children and their children will know nothing of caring for the old, and we are directly responsible for this. We should be ashamed of ourselves for not honoring and taking better care of those in our Families and communities that are old and no longer able to care for themselves.

Of course i am not speaking to everyone, for there are many who still honor this long held tradition of ours, but that number is dwindling every day.

If you have elders in your Family or community that you can stop by and check on, see if they need a loaf of bread or some milk, or maybe their floor needs sweeping or dishes washed, please do that. If you don't have any elders in your community or Family, perhaps take an hour out of your week or month and visit a nursing home. Sit and talk with the elders that are confined there, even if you don't know them. Be sure to take your children with you, for the greatest benefit in doing these things is not for you or the elder, but for your children and their children, and all those that come behind you.

:heart:

Destee

um, how old do i have to get before i am treated good? :lol:

Brother JamesFrmPhilly ... there is no magic age for this to begin happening. In my family, it mattered not the age of the elder, but simply that they were elder to me. Children must be taught (shown) as early as possible, to honor and respect their elders. The eldest child(ren) must also be taught the great responsibility of being the eldest. If the elder is wise, fair and loving, as we'd hope all of them to be, they might begin receiving these considerations in their teens, from the youth beneath them.

I know you asked the question in jest, but a Sister is seerus up in here! :wink:

:heart:

Destee

I feel you, Destee. The Honor and Care of My Elders was part of what I call my 'Home-Training', or 'socialization'. I had to overcome the objections of my ex-spouse and her family to instill this in my son, because it (Recognizing and Honoring Elders) was not part of that family's culture. We got to continue to pass it on, pass it on, pass it on...

so true i agree coz back then it didn't matter who it was we was taught to
respect any elder person and agree even if we felt we was right my mother
show us the way and my grandmom when she speak we all was like E.F.Hutton
we listen right to this day the elder member in the family is the knowledge one
where wisdom is to help us continue on but we have lost many many years
to keep this going on and giving respect to our elders our children in today's
world have none and because so many having children as children and don't
know the history of family morals and our elders are our guide to help steer
the future gang bangers , street thugs , drug dealers , is the key to many of our
struggle and disrespect upon elder people :nono:

so how come whenever i post knowledge that is clean, clear and correct, i get nothing but members falling all over their selves to argue with me and show me wrong? (see my thread on Serena)

if i'm the oldest here, why can't i get so much as a listen from the young bloods?
they post emotional arguments with no reference to reason or logic.
(or spelling or grammar)

the attribute of being old is that my hormones are spent and so my views are more informed by reason.
this insight is of value but this community doesn't want to hear it.

as an elder, i say that this family talks the talk but does not walk the walk, on this issue.

Sista Destee, I understand this subject to be quite important to you, and though it is to myself, OldSoul, Rich, and JamesFromPhilly, as well, I would like to know why???(smile!) I aint tryin' to start no stuff, Destee, I'm just nosy -ah, curious...(smile!)

Yeah, I'ma be waiting on all of those monsta threads you gots fuh us up in this mug, because I like what you have to say, though you don't always say very much..(smile!)

Brother James, I think the young folks DO listen to what you've got to say, but I don't know that they quite know how to take your honesty and candor... Implicit, sometimes, in that honesty and candor is a challenge to one to face unpleasant facts about the world and themselves... Some of us respond positively to challenges, some do not... I know that I've gotten a lot of great insights from yourself even though we've gotten into our little "tangos" at this board... I guess that's all part of working out the kinks...(smile!) Hang on in there, brotha, sometimes you so far ahead of the race, you got to slow down to let folks ketcha... Be Patient, God is not through with them yet...

Peace!
Isaiah

my girlfriend frequently kicks me in the shins (and other sensitive areas)
she may come back a few months later and say "you know, i now agree with what you told me".
i'm like "that's nice baby, but i'm still healing from the last beating you gave me".
i'm tough but i get tired of getting beat about the head and shoulders.
will it ever end? :eek:

Sometimes we may post info that maybe no one post's to but a whole lotta people read. That's good too. I used to work in 'Talk Radio' and I relabled it 'Call-In' radio because that's how the owners/management dealt with it. It didn't matter WHAT you said, as long as you provoked people to call. When information is being shared that people are trying to absorb, they dont have time to call nor may they have anything to say. My proof was that I had the highest listener numbers but the least number of callers. Same thing here. You may post something that may cause/and/or inspire a reader to go in search of more info on that or a related subject, so they may not post a word. I believe we just have to put it out there, because it's a responsibility we've taken on. 'True sages are those who give what they have, without meanness and without secret!'

I was raised to respect my elders and I demand the respect of my charges below me but I was also raised by an elder...my Daddy was born in 1914 and raised me to respect the older folk that I was raised around but if I disagreed with something they said or they disrespected me to let them know ...in the right way of course...he raised me to never hold my tongue and to always let folk know where you stand..but in the right way....and if folk feelings get hurt and they want to cut you off then so be it......I will always present my point to the younger cats I know and if they disagree then I let them tell me what they disagree with and why as long as they do it in the right way.....I dont' have to agree with you to respect you...James and the older brothers on here man yall are where I'm trying to get..I'm only 34 trying to do things but if I disagree with yall I will let you know..no respect lost at all......

Mississippi Red :grin:

so how come whenever i post knowledge that is clean, clear and correct, i get nothing but members falling all over their selves to argue with me and show me wrong? (see my thread on Serena)

if i'm the oldest here, why can't i get so much as a listen from the young bloods?
they post emotional arguments with no reference to reason or logic.
(or spelling or grammar)

the attribute of being old is that my hormones are spent and so my views are more informed by reason.
this insight is of value but this community doesn't want to hear it.

as an elder, i say that this family talks the talk but does not walk the walk, on this issue.


Brother JamesFrmPhilly ... with all due respect, the topic of this thread isn't so much about the elders we happen to meet on a web site on the Internet ... though respect is due all, even in this environment.

What i'm speaking of specifically, is the honor, respect and care we give those who have played significant roles in our own personal lives. I know far too many people that find it easy to discount their elder parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, etc., that had a hand in their becoming adults.

I suppose now would be good a time as any, for me to mention the great responsibility that comes with being an elder. While this thread speaks specifically to giving all that's due an elder ... it does not come without a price.

Elders should display the type of character, integrity, reasoning, insight, wisdom, and forethought that garners this great level of honor and respect that is bestowed upon them. It's not often that we find an elder simply receiving this, just because (though when a child is being taught, that may be the only reason they see for doing it). When an elder leads by example, as described in this paragraph, nothing can keep them from receiving their due ... even if it must come from strangers.

I have read the Serena thread, and again, with all due respect Brother JamesFrmPhilly ... how do you expect the youth to respond to you, when you call one of their peers, who is wearing the type of clothing that is the norm of the day, and she has the body to pull it off ... she's not naked, not showing anything "private," she is a grown woman able to decide for herself what she puts on her body ... she's worked hard to excel at her craft, being the leader of the world in it several times over ... and all you can find to say about her is she's a ho. How do you expect the youth to respond to this? Do you expect them to be open to your wisdom? Do you expect them to embrace what you're saying? Do you really want them to listen to your wisdom? Did calling her a ho help or hurt the real message you're trying to send to the youth? Was it absolutely necessary to include that part, for the message to be received?

As elders, we must twist and turn the words we share, to be sure we do it in the best of manners ... because we must set examples for the youth under us on how to deliver a message to the youth under them. We must present the wisdom in a way that makes it easy for them to embrace it. This is the responsibility of the elder, or whomever is wanting their message embraced. We can't attack them just because we grew up in a time when women wore potato sacks. It is a different time now, just as it was a different time when you were a youth and the elders you grew up under had to adjust the message a little, for the time they were living in.

It's not easy. I remember my Mother saying that she had to come down to our level. Become a child again, in order to understand where the child's mind was and present the information in a way that the child would be receptive to it.

I'm not suggesting that you aren't doing this, but if you aren't getting the type of results / responses that you'd hope ... as an elder, it's your responsibility to go back and figure out a way so that the message doesn't get lost ... that is, if the message is important enough or you care enough to do that.

I believe there comes a time in an elder's life, when they've grown beyond effectively "going to a child's level in order to help the child capture the message." By this time they have lived a full life, giving, adjusting, leading, and guiding throughout their years. They are tired now and it is someone else's job to fluctuate for the youth. It is at this point, in my opinion, when elders can become quite difficult to deal with, stubborn, willful, and determined to have it all their way ... and i believe they are entitled to this time in their life, as God has blessed them with it. Therefore, before we get there, to that point when only those who love us most will be willing to hear us ... we must do what is required in guiding the youth, and it's no small task.

Being the elder or giving respect to the elder, both are great responsibilities.

:heart:

Destee

Sista Destee, I understand this subject to be quite important to you, and though it is to myself, OldSoul, Rich, and JamesFromPhilly, as well, I would like to know why???(smile!) I aint tryin' to start no stuff, Destee, I'm just nosy -ah, curious...(smile!)

Brother Isaiah ... you want to know why this subject is important to me?

1. Because it breaks my heart and pains my soul to see our elders mistreated, and i do see that.

2. Because i love my Momma, Grandmomma, and all those before me.

3. Because we talk of honoring our Ancestors, but won't honor the elders still with us ... which makes us (those who do this) ... complete liars and frauds.

4. Because our babies won't know how to teach their babies.

5. Because i believe, whether it is our elders or our youth, if we aren't taking care of those who can't take care of themselves ... within our Families ... we are doomed and may as well curl up in a great big ol' ball and die.

6. Because i come from a long line of strong women who took care of those before them, and taught me how, and i'm grateful to them.

7. Because i've taken care of more than just my own folk, but other folk's elders ... 'cause they were too busy living the American dream.

8. Because i believe, if there is any God in us, we cannot neglect this duty.

If you'd like more reasons ... just let me know ... i'm sure i can muster up a few more!

:heart:

Destee

Being the elder or giving respect to the elder, both are great responsibilities:heart:
Destee
i am not a diplomat (i guess that's obvious)
i am not a teacher.
i am not a poet or a writer and i do not posses the language skills to word things just so.
during my working life i have never worked with people and i have never developed "people" skills.
i have spent my life issuing commands and having work performed.
if i see you stepping in front of an on coming car, i may shout at you or i may even grab you and pull you out of the way.
this is not meant to be rude but to save you from harm.

i am trying to help with my posts.
i think you are asking me to reverse my basic nature in order to help people.
can i do that? well i'll think about it.

i do see certain things with crystal clarity.
i do not claim to see everything, just some things.
of these things i am usually correct.
when i am correct, it would benefit the youth to consider my view even if it is not sweet to the taste.
i have taken plenty of bitter medicine in my time.
if i would only accept the sweet, i would not still be here.

in the case of Serena, i know that i am correct.
i also see, clearly, that no one else agrees with me.
this is one case where i feel that the group would be better off to move toward my position.
i'm also aware that will not happen, so i'll just let go of the issue and move forward.

i am not a diplomat (i guess that's obvious)
i am not a teacher.
i am not a poet or a writer and i do not posses the language skills to word things just so.
during my working life i have never worked with people and i have never developed "people" skills.
i have spent my life issuing commands and having work performed.
if i see you stepping in front of an on coming car, i may shout at you or i may even grab you and pull you out of the way.
this is not meant to be rude but to save you from harm.

i am trying to help with my posts.
i think you are asking me to reverse my basic nature in order to help people.
can i do that? well i'll think about it.

i do see certain things with crystal clarity.
i do not claim to see everything, just some things.
of these things i am usually correct.
when i am correct, it would benefit the youth to consider my view even if it is not sweet to the taste.
i have taken plenty of bitter medicine in my time.
if i would only accept the sweet, i would not still be here.

in the case of Serena, i know that i am correct.
i also see, clearly, that no one else agrees with me.
this is one case where i feel that the group would be better off to move toward my position.
i'm also aware that will not happen, so i'll just let go of the issue and move forward.


Brother JamesFrmPhilly ... i was not trying to suggest that you should do things any different than you do. You mentioned you weren't getting the results mentioned in this thread, and i said if you wanted different results, you might have to do things differently ... but you are not required to do things differently.

As a matter of fact, what i've been sharing is just my own opinion. The things that have worked for me, and been passed down to me from those before me. One thing i've learned on this Internet is my way aint hardly the only or best way. It's just mine.

There will be some folk who respond positively with the way i do things, and there will be those that totally ignore it. There will be those that respond positively to the way you do things, and there will be those that totally ignore it. There will be those that respond positively to the way Brother Isaiah does things, or the way Sister Queenie does things, or the way Brother PanAfrica does things, or the way Sister Purple does things, or the way any one of our other many Members does a thing ... while totally rejecting the way another Member approaches them.

This is all good because it means we have a greater chance at reaching more Sisters and Brothers because we have a multitude of ways to approach them. If one doesn't work, another might. So please, don't change the way you do because it isn't like i do ... for there is someone out here that will only be moved by the way you do.

You are helping with your posts and presence Brother JamesFrmPhilly, please don't think otherwise. I read the Serena thread and if memory serves me properly, there was at least one or two that did agree with you regarding her dress, though they did not go as far as to call her out of her name ... and the thread is 5 pages long already, so you've obviously presented a topic worthy of discussion!

This thread is about honoring our elders and i don't want to see it get too far off track, but this is one of our many great challenges. We've been denied the opportunity to even come together, talk, hang out, feel each other's passion and learn each other's ways for far too long ... and now that we're trying to do it ... it's easy to get off track.

But that's okay ... we'll get off track and get right back on, together! :love:

Keep sharing Brother JamesFrmPhilly, and keep being you, for we want you no other way!

:heart:

Destee

it's very sad to sit back and watch how these elder people are treated
today by their children , folks around them like they are no body respect
is one of the best and oldest thing to do I was raised to respect anyone
older then me even if it's by one year they hold and have a year knowledge
more and can teach , tell me something also the reason i feel so high on this
because i've worked in the field with elder people for years and still do
i hold a title as a male nurse and worked in a few nursing homes and how
these people are treated by family the workers and others is a shame
why do we beat and disrespect these older folks who could be our mother's
or father's if you don't respect and do the right thing by these same people
know your days will be cut shorter on the real this why i am very heart felt
and express the need to help and spend time , share moments and common
bond upon the elder so they can feel the warmth and love and respected
for all the years and tears even blood & sweat along the way up when they
need someone to count on .......it's a shame how our youth , children talk
back to the elder folks in the hook even me at my age i've had kids tell me
what they going to do and cuss me out some 15 even 12 years of age talking
like this i live to respect all my elders and through these years this far i demand
respect as well.

RESPECT THY ELDERS no matter who or what and for whatever reason
respect go a very very long way disrespect to elders is like talking to
thy mother & father grandparents is the wise wisdom ones who knows
and surely should be well respected HONOR THY ELDERS !!!!
to live right we all sin but in what way surely mines not from disrespecting
of any type .

Yeah, Rich, the part about respecting the elder who is one year older is true in my experience as well... Our parents came from the south(most likely), and the respect of elders was their tradition passed onto us... Somewhere up north we lost it, we gave into the pressures of the urban environment, white man's world... To compound that terrible error in judgement, a lot of us are going back south with our nasty-mouthed children, and "polluting" the environment there...

I know that seems harsh, but it's true! In the future, I wanna explore just how powerful this system of discipline was for me growing up in NYC... I remember when I began to see the contrast, like in my late teens... The children were a little harder, less accostomed to ceding their way with authority... Naturally, this extends to our elders...

I remember that the elders, particularly the women, would sit and look out of their windows, and keep an eye out on me and my little gang of ruffians... We kept our eye on them too, because if they happened to hear us cussin', or being disrespectful to women, or other elders, that was going to get back to our parents - and there was little chance of reprisals on these elders... That too would get back to whomever was concerned(the community)and you'd be in a lot trouble - couldn't live there no more...

So the lack of respect for our elders is symptomatic of the greater disease of a lack of respect in our communities... The lack of respect for women, for adults, for anything, stems from our throwing away the village mentality - like so much of our culture that we voluntarily discard... We aren't taught the true value of things, thus we can find no value in it... That is our problem right now as an African Community across this country...

Peace!
Isaiah...

My Grandmama nem are gone on home but my Mama is still here and I will take care of her until Mississippi takes one of us back....Isaiah you are right on man I was born and raised in Mississippi and we were taught from an early age that it is expected of you to take care of the older folk in your family and respect those around you even if they are only a bit older....like I said earlier in this thread you had to watch not only what you said to older folk but how you said it ..now I see these disrespectful younguns saying all kind of foul things to their Mamas, Daddys, and even Grandparents and such and the adults just sit there and look at em....sometimes I have my kids with me when something like this happens and I have to remind em that if they talk to anyone in my Family, including their Mama like that Im gon hand em their hat....If I would have looked at some of my Daddy's potnas the wrong way coming up them Men would have put me in my place that's what some of these younger generation need, they've gotten away from a lot of the Southern values and replaced it with a lot of old foolishness....like I said though mine will be taken care of until either she's gone or I go before her no other thought has ever been or ever will be an option......

Mississippi Red :smokin:

so how come whenever i post knowledge that is clean, clear and correct, i get nothing but members falling all over their selves to argue with me and show me wrong? (see my thread on Serena)

if i'm the oldest here, why can't i get so much as a listen from the young bloods?
they post emotional arguments with no reference to reason or logic.
(or spelling or grammar)

the attribute of being old is that my hormones are spent and so my views are more informed by reason.
this insight is of value but this community doesn't want to hear it.

as an elder, i say that this family talks the talk but does not walk the walk, on this issue.
Simply being older does not mean being more knowledgable on every subject and disagreeing is not disrespect. Respect does not equal blind faith.

In the past, the elders knew the most because little changed in their lifetimes...these days, while some dwell on the "good ole days" they forget to stay up on today and their knowledge does not always make sense to the present day situation. That is just a fact of life and to get all upset because someone younger than you finds their own way without you makes not sense. You are stressing yourself out for nothing.

JMO take it or leave it.

you know Isaiah indeed my parents from the dirty south and held high
respect for elder folkz indeed we came up North and lost way in many
wayz and then our children having children who pose no true wisdom or
knowledge to teach these kids Respect for elders , teachers , pastors
and thy parents no days many don't know of respect .

Jamesfrmphilly......man surely ya respect do you is there just in some places
where open discussion the voices do have rights young & old but to a respectful
way i value what you say coz you are older but i also hold a voice to what i
may feel is right so never should you feel disrespected but just facts of others
view points this just part of our struggle to get our children back on track to
Respect and work together in harmony so it take folkz like you & me to make a
start somewhere and surely all the respect in the world will come.

I've learned that respecting a person also must respect and show good
standards like a role model or a mentor and also be open hearted to listen
to reasons , facts and lies and know how to talk to our youth or other folkz
i was born up North but summers from childhood was in the dirty deep south
and how these older folkz live watch my grandmother be a mother of 16
her kids & grandkids even some great grand children and she tought us all
the value to honor thy mother & father parents and thy Neighbors respect
elders of any age above thy self i did it my parents did it and i teach my children
to do it , Respect is common yet seem hard just what been instill in our minds
to say do what one feel coz they grown ....Naw still one hold da same age
as did when one was born respect carry us far this just a batle we face as
people of the people now we need to be for the people.

Growing up I was taught to respect my elders, and I teach my kids the same manner…
I have worked in a nursing home/private duty many are placed b/c their family doesn’t want to be bothered and don’t even come visit…and most just want to talk...me I like their stories they tell…and the teens today our out of hand not all but most…and all starts at home I am a firm believer….What you do will come back to haunt you later in life.

But then you got elders who think or demand respect from young folks when it have to be earned in away to gain the respect thas do….they mean well but at times they do more harm then good….and as a young person
I over looked them let them say they say and move on….but most just want to talk and share their experience in life…and if people take up the time to listen and understand them. Life me maybe a lot more better for those who don’t listen and disrespect folks young old or whatever age...but it starts at home…and as long as we got kids raising kids…I don’t see it getting no better anytime soon…they half raised themselves.

Then maybe its me I take pride when someone tell me how respectful my kids are lets me know I am doing something right ya know...but like I said thas just how I am….Smiling

Hello Family,

While we can put much responsibility for the loss of our culture on slavery in America, and all the destruction to us that followed, some of it we must shoulder ourselves.

I believe that one of our many great cultural losses is happening right now, before our eyes, and that is the fact that we do not properly honor the elders of our families and communities.

In times past, and fortunately in some families still today, we hold our elders in high esteem. We honor them. There are rights and privileges bestowed upon an elder, simply because they are elders. No argument, no fussing, no fighting, but simply respecting the fact that they have lived longer and are due a certain amount of respect, consideration, and submission from those under them. No matter how right you may be, when debating with an elder Member of your Family, there is a part of you that simply accepts that there is not enough hours in the day to convince them that they are wrong (not to mention the disrespect you show by trying). So you respectfully listen, if you'd like the conversation to end soon, and go about your day.

I remember a disagreement that my Mother and i had, which was rare, but i believed with my whole heart that i was right and was not satisfied to simply accept what she said (though i did have to shut up talking about it to her). Fortunately for me, my Grandmother was still living at that time, and i knew she was the only person that could give me the "okay" that i was right and my Mother was wrong. So i went to her, and received the guidance that i sought. Please notice that only an elder, of that elder, could overrule her. I would have been bound to what my Mother said, had my Grandmother, her elder, not overruled her ... for no one under my Mother was qualified to do such a thing (in my mind).

As a child, i looked forward to becoming an elder. To be able to have the last say, to be the one to have life experiences and passed down stories on how to proceed in certain situations. To have the esteem that comes from living longer (and hopefully wiser) than those under you.

Not only did my elders receive this type of high regard, but everyone took care of them in their old age. It was often a Team (Family) effort regarding who would care for the elder(s) each day. Depending on the elder's ability, someone was assigned to see that they ate, bathed, and did all the things they wanted and needed done. Even the youngest children in the Family helped with these responsibilities toward the elder(s).

This is not to suggest that dealing with elders is easy! I've done my share of caring for them and they make you wanna choke 'em! But i believe this is a part of their right, having lived so long, to be able to have things exactly as they want them, one of the many privileges of growing old. So just suck it up and know that you are doing what is required of you.

This is very different than the mainstream way of thinking. In mainstream America, everyone is doing everything to keep from becoming an elder. Even the gray hair on our heads, is changed to some other color. Aging is so very resisted. It's almost a curse, in this current culture, to do what's natural and become old.

Folk also tend to neglect their elders, opting to put them away rather than care for them. Children are no longer being shown how to care for the eldest in the Family. This concerns me. It's as though the elders that should be teaching this, aren't aware that they too will be the eldest, in need of this same care and consideration.

Please don't misunderstand, it's not about my becoming the eldest, and my children not knowing or being willing to care for me ... but it is about my children becoming the eldest, and their children not knowing they should honor and care for them. If we don't teach our children, how can they teach their children? The circle should remain unbroken, but we are allowing all kinds of breaks to be in it.

This is one of the great pieces of our culture that was not stolen from us, for i have lived and witnessed it. Those before me, showed me how to do this, by their doing it. I believe far too many of us have replaced our own culture with what mainstream america thinks of the old ... and it is ugly.

At the rate we are going, our children and their children will know nothing of caring for the old, and we are directly responsible for this. We should be ashamed of ourselves for not honoring and taking better care of those in our Families and communities that are old and no longer able to care for themselves.

Of course i am not speaking to everyone, for there are many who still honor this long held tradition of ours, but that number is dwindling every day.

If you have elders in your Family or community that you can stop by and check on, see if they need a loaf of bread or some milk, or maybe their floor needs sweeping or dishes washed, please do that. If you don't have any elders in your community or Family, perhaps take an hour out of your week or month and visit a nursing home. Sit and talk with the elders that are confined there, even if you don't know them. Be sure to take your children with you, for the greatest benefit in doing these things is not for you or the elder, but for your children and their children, and all those that come behind you.

:heart:

Destee
Back to the top!

Hello Family,

While we can put much responsibility for the loss of our culture on slavery in America, and all the destruction to us that followed, some of it we must shoulder ourselves.

I believe that one of our many great cultural losses is happening right now, before our eyes, and that is the fact that we do not properly honor the elders of our families and communities.

In times past, and fortunately in some families still today, we hold our elders in high esteem. We honor them. There are rights and privileges bestowed upon an elder, simply because they are elders. No argument, no fussing, no fighting, but simply respecting the fact that they have lived longer and are due a certain amount of respect, consideration, and submission from those under them. No matter how right you may be, when debating with an elder Member of your Family, there is a part of you that simply accepts that there is not enough hours in the day to convince them that they are wrong (not to mention the disrespect you show by trying). So you respectfully listen, if you'd like the conversation to end soon, and go about your day.

I remember a disagreement that my Mother and i had, which was rare, but i believed with my whole heart that i was right and was not satisfied to simply accept what she said (though i did have to shut up talking about it to her). Fortunately for me, my Grandmother was still living at that time, and i knew she was the only person that could give me the "okay" that i was right and my Mother was wrong. So i went to her, and received the guidance that i sought. Please notice that only an elder, of that elder, could overrule her. I would have been bound to what my Mother said, had my Grandmother, her elder, not overruled her ... for no one under my Mother was qualified to do such a thing (in my mind).

As a child, i looked forward to becoming an elder. To be able to have the last say, to be the one to have life experiences and passed down stories on how to proceed in certain situations. To have the esteem that comes from living longer (and hopefully wiser) than those under you.

Not only did my elders receive this type of high regard, but everyone took care of them in their old age. It was often a Team (Family) effort regarding who would care for the elder(s) each day. Depending on the elder's ability, someone was assigned to see that they ate, bathed, and did all the things they wanted and needed done. Even the youngest children in the Family helped with these responsibilities toward the elder(s).

This is not to suggest that dealing with elders is easy! I've done my share of caring for them and they make you wanna choke 'em! But i believe this is a part of their right, having lived so long, to be able to have things exactly as they want them, one of the many privileges of growing old. So just suck it up and know that you are doing what is required of you.

This is very different than the mainstream way of thinking. In mainstream America, everyone is doing everything to keep from becoming an elder. Even the gray hair on our heads, is changed to some other color. Aging is so very resisted. It's almost a curse, in this current culture, to do what's natural and become old.

Folk also tend to neglect their elders, opting to put them away rather than care for them. Children are no longer being shown how to care for the eldest in the Family. This concerns me. It's as though the elders that should be teaching this, aren't aware that they too will be the eldest, in need of this same care and consideration.

Please don't misunderstand, it's not about my becoming the eldest, and my children not knowing or being willing to care for me ... but it is about my children becoming the eldest, and their children not knowing they should honor and care for them. If we don't teach our children, how can they teach their children? The circle should remain unbroken, but we are allowing all kinds of breaks to be in it.

This is one of the great pieces of our culture that was not stolen from us, for i have lived and witnessed it. Those before me, showed me how to do this, by their doing it. I believe far too many of us have replaced our own culture with what mainstream america thinks of the old ... and it is ugly.

At the rate we are going, our children and their children will know nothing of caring for the old, and we are directly responsible for this. We should be ashamed of ourselves for not honoring and taking better care of those in our Families and communities that are old and no longer able to care for themselves.

Of course i am not speaking to everyone, for there are many who still honor this long held tradition of ours, but that number is dwindling every day.

If you have elders in your Family or community that you can stop by and check on, see if they need a loaf of bread or some milk, or maybe their floor needs sweeping or dishes washed, please do that. If you don't have any elders in your community or Family, perhaps take an hour out of your week or month and visit a nursing home. Sit and talk with the elders that are confined there, even if you don't know them. Be sure to take your children with you, for the greatest benefit in doing these things is not for you or the elder, but for your children and their children, and all those that come behind you.

:heart:

Destee


Back to the top.

i come from a very poor country so this is something we do naturally no questions asked
it is part of our culture

i come from a very poor country so this is something we do naturally no questions asked
it is part of our culture

Brother DanDan ... what country do you come from?

Yes, i think it was a part of our culture too ... till ours was replaced with theirs.

:heart:

Destee

HI Sister Destee, Hi Family
This is indeed so important. That was the reason why I had to leave the forum. It is really odd. But I had to tell the members of my family about how they need to care for each other, Our parents, Aunts, Uncles and friends of our family who we all have learned so much from, and to past the knowledge forward.

It was hard when my Mom past away, but I was happy for the time spent at her hospital bed night after night. This made my body and mind weak and weary but I heal. I’m graceful to have been able to talk to her about whatever came into my mind, even those all she could do was smile.
After my Mom passing I made it a mission to visit all the elders and in my family from New York to South Carolina, and talked to their children (who are my age and younger) about looking in on our elders.

It was natural for me. I was raised by my grandparents and I seen how they care for my great grandparents. And children do need to be apart of the caring, and it comes in many forms like, reading a book to them or with them, learning how to knit from them then you will be knitting with them, watching the ballgames with them , taken walks with them, etc.. It is indeed the company that our elders love from US more, the same attention that was given to US. This helps in teaching the valve of family.

My grandfather past away last year, but before he die. I was happy to have spent some wonderful moments with him, and he retold to me the stories I have heard hundreds of times about when he was a child. I still cry for him. I cry, but they aren't sad tears, but I miss you tears. So much have been lost in our culture like respect, and manner. It needs to be enforced once again because to have respect for our elders will strengthen the respect we will have for ourselves. All this is home cooking, the best kind of cooking.