The past three months, I have been stuck in an unhealthy, obsessive and verbally abusive relationship. You see we started out with a homey lover friend deal. Sex only. People say Word? An 18 year old? Too young, but true. I wanted to diminsh the feelings I had for a previous guy who I had a one night stand with. You see the previous guy had a girlfriend I didn't know about, so I was hurt. This guy I found out later had a girlfriend, but I didn't care. I didn't care until he started having feelings for me, and then I started having the same. Well maybe the same. He broke up with his girlfriend and we started dating. Later, the friend that hooked us up was the one he cheated on me with. Drama, right? The day we broke up he went back to his girlfriend. I wanted to be friends with him and he wanted to be friends with me (after a grieving period) but I still have feelings for him (even though he treats me badly by calling me names, seeing my whereabouts, and stalking me at work) and he still has a girlfriend. Now I just want to get over him. I don't know how, so I need a little help in this department. I want to be with him in a way because I feel like I love him even though he can be such a ***** sometimes, but I can't when he has a girlfriend and now she wants to fight me. Could y'all help me out?

YEAH I SAID IT. GIRL YOU PITIFUL! YOU KNOW THIS GUY IS ALL WRONG YET YOU CONTINUE TO HAVE CONTACT WITH THIS NUT TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE CLOWN. IF HE WERE A FRIEND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIS GIRL WANTING TO WHIP YOUR ***! BUT I GUESS IT'S ALL HIS FAULT HUH? YOU ONLY WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND RIGHT? GIVE ME A BREAK! GIRL KEEP YOUR PANTIES UP AND CHILL WITH THE QUICK RELATIONSHIPS.
BUT YOU'LL PROBABLY MOVE ONTO ANOTHER GUY THAT IS JUST LIKE HIM THOUGH.

sounds like a little celibacy is in order.

you sound confused as hell and i suggest getting some counseling from a professional who can give you an objective point of view.

why would anyone be attracted to a person who does not treat them nice?

is that what you think of your self?

get help! :eek:

The past three months, I have been stuck in an unhealthy, obsessive and verbally abusive relationship. You see we started out with a homey lover friend deal. Sex only. People say Word? An 18 year old? Too young, but true. I wanted to diminsh the feelings I had for a previous guy who I had a one night stand with. You see the previous guy had a girlfriend I didn't know about, so I was hurt. This guy I found out later had a girlfriend, but I didn't care. I didn't care until he started having feelings for me, and then I started having the same. Well maybe the same. He broke up with his girlfriend and we started dating. Later, the friend that hooked us up was the one he cheated on me with. Drama, right? The day we broke up he went back to his girlfriend. I wanted to be friends with him and he wanted to be friends with me (after a grieving period) but I still have feelings for him (even though he treats me badly by calling me names, seeing my whereabouts, and stalking me at work) and he still has a girlfriend. Now I just want to get over him. I don't know how, so I need a little help in this department. I want to be with him in a way because I feel like I love him even though he can be such a ***** sometimes, but I can't when he has a girlfriend and now she wants to fight me. Could y'all help me out?

I am interested to know what you look for in a man??

I bet it is all the qualities of guys you pass over, but if you are lucky, you kept some of these guys as "friends" while dating jerks you love to complain about so step to one of them for a relationship if you need one that bad.

Go to the thread about why black women are so bad at choosing men while you are at it.

Good luck.

surely one can't see what ya heart see or feel but it seem that
he's not what u need , u can make the change and seek a love
far greater then what u bottled up in ....remember sexuality is
the reason one was their and a one night stand was what u got
know your body is much more then this and some nice chat
i wish you luck and blessing to get out this maze of destruction

My momma use to say; make sure you in love with the man not the sex.
Sex do interfere in emotions more then ppl think.
Do some self-searching. Look within your self; see if this is the life you really want. He already cheated on you, calls you names that is lack of respect if he don’t respect you don’t need him as a friend or a boyfriend. And I am pretty sure you deserve better. And want more out a relationship then he is showing you, or gave you.

Peace and good luck
Angel

Koolaid Smile, I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to come here and share your story with us. The situation that you described you're in is an unfortunate one but not hopeless. Since you have asked for advice to help you, here's the best that I can suggest for you to consider doing: seek professional help and do your best to stay away from him.

Advice is easy to give, living it is much, much tougher. As you can see, some people might think the solution is a simple one and lack compassion in dishing out their advice to you. Don't take it too hard nor should you feel badly about yourself because you lack the strength and courage right now to get yourself out of a bad situation. If you really want help to get over this man, then you must be prepared to do what is necessary to get him out of your head, heart and life.

We all make mistakes in relationships from time to time and the way we react to these mistakes can differ greatly. The best thing for you to do is to separate your emotions for this man and begin loving and respecting yourself more. Start believing that you deserve better than what this man is or can ever give you. Abusive behavior should be like a beacon letting you know that things won't get better with him, only worse. Don't remain confused as to what "love" or loving someone should be about. Most of us want healthy relationships but sometimes there are those who use relationships as a means to deal with some larger issues in their lives. Could you be one of them?

Ask yourself why it is you think you want this man so much. What has he done for you ever that has brought happiness and joy in your life and does he have the ability to sustain those feelings? If you answer honestly, probably not. Sex should not be the ruler by which you measure him by. Don't make excuses for settling for so little.

I wish you luck and hopefully you will have the courage to start your new life soon.

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

Thank you all for your imput (especially NNQueen...thank you ma'am). I told him this morning of how felt and how I didn't like the way he treats me. The conversation wasn't so nice, but he will be leaving out of town for a month or so and I could have a chance to get over him without him being down the street from me. He said he would change (which is highly unlikely) and he said I shouldn't worry about his girlfriend. I never was worried about her, but the fact that she added to the drama was my concern. I caught off ties with that so-called friend, and I just want to pick up my life. Sadly, I don't know what I want in men, and surely, I should take a break from them until I find out. Friends always said I am the type that would be in an abusive relationship. I couldn't see it until now. Thanks again. I don't think I really need professional help...just change my attitude and how I perceive the opposite sex.

I don't think I really need professional help....
YES, YOU DO :nono:

For what? Because of my bad choice in men?

For what? Because of my bad choice in men?
yes, and all that you have revealed about yourself.
you do a one night stand, you accept abuse.
you are sexually aroused by one who abuses you.
you are airing issues on the internet that should be dealt with in private.
you show confusion.

if i go any further, I'll have have to charge you.
if you don't want to take what i say, don't.
it's your funeral.

James has a point. Unfortunately you are heading down the path to an abusive long term relationship. It may not be with this guy, but it will be someone else and no matter how much the violence escalates, you will be one of those women making excuses.....till the day the hospital ER staff cant revive you. (RIP)

Turn things around while you still can.....dont go down a path that wont allow you to turn back.

Oh my goodness, dear sister,

I feel for you because you are so young. I agree with the wise advice given to you by sister Queen. Let me add my own two cents. Baby, there is nothing wrong with professional help if you need it. I agree with the ascertion that you need some. Not as a put down to yourself, but it is apparent in your post, whether you agree or not, that you do not think highly of yourself. If you do not love and cherish yourself, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be in a healthy relationship. YOU need to get yourself together. Be mentally strong and that will assist you in your other ordeals. Stalking, in any form is not good, sweetie. Of course he said he would change, because he sees your weakness, and the fact that you are keeping communication open is dangerous for you. I am not trying to scare you, but relationships which involve any kind of obsessive behavior such as this, and not to mention other players (the girlfriend and your former friend), can only lead to more chaos.

Bottom line, dear sister, SAVE YOURSELF. Let that brother fix himself and his issues. They are not your concern. Stop speaking to him, and to piggyback off something you mentioned in your post, since you do not know what kind of man you want, DO NOT PICK UP ANY MORE! It will only add to your confusion and the possibility of more sexual partners. Love yourself and please get your head right. The mere fact that your "friends" have stated that they could see you in an abusive relationship says to me that the wolves smell you coming. Look out for yourself dearheart and surround yourself with positive friends and reinforcements.

Peace and blessings

My marraige wasn't the best situation for me to be in; that's why I'm getting divorced. The verbal abuse got to be too much, and we have a young son who was listening. Sister, I beg you, stay far away from this man and allothers like him. If at all possible, stay away from any sexual relationship for a small amount of time. Get to know yourself. In this situation, you are learning things about yourself that you probably do not like. Seek guideance, be it with God or someone who counsels for a living. No good end comes from situations like these.

You may not help who you love, but in the end, it's best to cut your lines and tie up your lose ends. He's an accident in your life. Move on.

Kool_Aid Smile at least recognizes that she makes bad choices in men (and that she doesn't know what she wants from them). This is a important self-evaluation that many women twice her age do not make. The 1st step in resolving a problem is realizing that you have one, which Kool Aid has already done. Of course the more difficult step is doing something about it. NN Queen, Jazzymoonchild, and Toylin all gave great advice from the female perspective (probably the easiest for you to relate). From the male perspective...I have noticed through observation that abusive men are somewhat like predators.

I truly hate to compare people with animals; however, if you watch animal documentaries. You learn that predators don't target their victims at random...they specifically go after the sick, old, and weak. If these same predators (Lion, Tiger, Wolf, etc) target healthy animals, they might get fought back, and hurt themselves. As a result, they avoid these confrontations at all cost. Abusive men are the same, they target weak woman (not necessarily in body, but in mind). Women with low self-esteem or family issues (particularly with the father)...they seek a woman who will love him (the abuser) more than she loves herself! Indeed this is the only type of woman who will take his abuse. Any other woman will either fight him back, or just leave him outright without a second thought. For this reason you have to be aware of the vibes you put out for men, and how you carry yourself when you are around them.

The first thing to do when trying to build any type of structure is to have a strong foundation, without that it won't matter what type of curtains you use over the windows because the thing won't stand anyway. Find strength elsewhere.

James, professional help is not for everyone and it certainly isn't for me. I aired out these personal problems maybe because I could look for other solutions. You deal with your stuff in private obviously. If I just deal with it in privately, I will erupt. I need guidance, true, but not through a shrink. Why pay for advice when I can get it for free?

I am changing my number and even cutting off ties with his mother. Thank you all for your input and understanding. He's even messing things up between my parents and me in our home. I have alienated some friends because of him. I just don't understand why I didn't see the problems like everyone else. I've made too many mistakes with him, and I hope to God I will not run into any other man like him again.